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Slowly crawling back onto the wagon...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

You may have noticed that my last blog entry was on July 4, 2009. That was a nasty decade though...glad I get a fresh start! And it's about time, now that January is nearly over with, I'm really feeling an urgency to make things HAPPEN, and this is the best place to begin. I need a job...but I need to renew my self confidence and self esteem more, maybe even first (although I REALLY need a job).

I've been dealing with depression through escapism, and many of you (those of you who are my facebook friends as well as my spark friends) know exactly how I've been "escaping". It's unhealthy, unhelpful (it's a word if I wanna use it!), and worse than non-productive - it's downright counter-productive! But it's what I've been doing for the better part of the past year. Sitting around the house, playing games (at least I stopped paying for the games...I used to have game "memberships" where I paid money each month in order to buy a new game), watching movies, and eating. And when the reality would force its way into my consciousness enough for me to remember what I'm doing to myself, I get all stressed out, which only depresses me more. So I take a Xanax, which does nothing to improve the situation, but it does take some of the edge off of the stress...leaving only the depression.

All the while I KNOW what I should be doing, and I realize that exercise is shown to be the best stress reducer known to man (or to somebody, anyway). I know that I always feel better, physically AND emotionally, when I eat right. And I know that using food to satisfy my "needs" is hogwash...it doesn't satisfy anything at all. I KNOW THAT! Yet I continue along the same path of...nothing. Just nothing. Going to waste, in every possible way.

Today I told myself that I really need a fitness buddy, or a diet buddy, or ANYONE who can relate to my situation. Yes, I know you are all right here, my SP friends, and for that I am extremely thankful; but I need someone to be my buddy IN PERSON, too. Sadly, I've been struggling with depression and mood swings and low self-esteem for so long that I have pretty much alienated all my friends. Besides that, none of them had weight problems or felt any need to or interest in exercise, diet, or fitness. I've managed to isolate myself here with Chazz (and he's just about the worst "fitness buddy" I could have! he eats all kinds of crap, never does a speck of exercise, and still keeps his weight under control).

I need help. And I need a job. But I need help first.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAXFOCUS 1/28/2010 10:06PM

    Welcome back. I hear what you are saying about not having any friends that have a weight issue or who are interested in exercising with me. Luckily my husband and daughter will do on the occassional walk with me. I hope that you find a fitness buddy in person. Enjoy getting active again and eating healthy and I am hoping you get a job real soon.

Max

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BIGT_56 1/28/2010 11:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

I am so glad to see you back!!!! I got to admit, I have been a little worried about you. You seem to have a little bit of an OCD personality (just a little). I know how hard that is to deal with because my son has it. Now it is time to put that to work for you though. Use it to monitor your eating and exercise (just try and not overdo it).
It would be nice to have a real live person to exercise with. I really miss having that too. You might try putting an ad up at a local gym, library, or even in the supermarket. You just never know. There is probably lots of ladies out there wishing they had a buddy too and don't know how to find one.
Sure wish you were close by and we could walk and hike. I might even get you into biking Just remember we love ya girl! We are here for you anytime day or night. I will probably need someone to swap rants with. My daughter and her family are moving back in next week!!!

As Dr. Phil says, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge". You've done the acknowledging, now you are ready to start fixing.

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Terrie

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Motivation is SO important to stay motivated! (who knew?)

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Keeping this short and sweet. I have been allowed "stuff" to keep me preoccupied, and haven't been doing my usual "daily SP stuff". I'm having a flare-up of an old medical problem (digestive system), I can't hike because I broke my toe, and the weather's too crappy for the beach - or for my mental health, for that matter. So I've just been hanging around the house, eating as well as I can manage right now, and...well, not much more than that. The attitude just went to hell.

So I was sitting here (as usual) wondering what has happened to my motivation. I mean, really, allowing a broken TOE to interfere with my fitness program?!! A femur, maybe, but a TOE??? Sure it hurts like hell, but I can still walk. And even if/when it hurts too much to *really* walk, I could still ride the stationary bike to get some cardio in. And I'm pretty sure that I can do pilates, or ANY mat exercise without encountering too much pain - and even if there were moves that hurt my toe, I'm pretty much an expert at modifying exercises. I just can't believe how LAZY I've gotten!

So....back to sitting here, wondering what the hell is going on with me, when it finally came to me - I haven't been logging into SP every day, and so have been lacking that motivation I was getting here. When I had it, I would NEVER have allowed myself to use all these lame excuses for not exercising. So now I'm just wondering why, or HOW, I ever managed to ignore the ONE thing I knew for certain I needed to help me stay motivated and excited about fitness.

DOH!

Well, I'm here now, and heading back in the right direction, and thankful that you are all still here as well...waiting for me to come to my senses and JUST DO IT!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGT_56 7/6/2009 1:29AM

    Just today II was thinking, "Where the h@ll is Deb these days?". I was going to go on FB and see what had become of you (and your toe).
Hate to hear that the toe is still hurting. I know a toe is a little thing, but pain is pain and a pain in the foot makes you hurt all over every time you put it on the floor!
I thought about you a couple of days ago too when my granddaughter and I went hiking. I was thinking of how much you liked to hike. I was also thinking how tough you must be from doing it all the time. I hadn't done it in a lot of years and it was rough on this old body.


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GLAMNGLOWDIVA 7/5/2009 1:24AM

    You can do this! You were doing great before and will get back on track!

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ALMMOM 7/4/2009 3:22PM

    Keep involved with SP for inspiration - lets get started!!!!!

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MSWEEZER 7/4/2009 1:23PM

    Wonderful revelation and hope to see you posting daily. Remember, we're all sisters in sweat. LOL

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RENNAH 7/4/2009 10:18AM

    You Can Do It!! You Go Girl!
Keep logging in and making it happen, because you are worth it!

I am sorry you hurting, but you can do something... So, keep up the great Attitude and make it happen! emoticon emoticon

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Banished SCALE: continued

Sunday, June 21, 2009

By now we all know all about my obsessive personality. Not OCD, because, although I do obsess, and my thoughts may become consumed by the obsession du jeur, I am not quite obsessed enough to become compulsive about ACTING on it, I just spend WAY too much time thinking about it (whatever "it" may be...in this case, obviously, diet/exercise/weight loss). The SCALE was the main instigator of my weight loss obsession, so I removed it from the equation. I have not yet decided how long it is to remain banned from my bathroom, but I do know it will not make its presence known today!

We all know, also, that there are many other ways of measuring our progress - other than SCALE, I mean. We can use our measuring tape, and use the numbers on there to determine our progress. Or we can use our clothes (my personal favorite), and just go by how they fit, rejoicing once we are able to wear a smaller size (another number). We can track our BMI (which requires SCALE, btw) or our body fat percentage (more numbers).

OK, so there are a lot of ways to "measure" our progress. But what if the SCALE doesn't move, or the numbers don't appear to be changing much on the tape measure, or you're STILL wearing the same size clothes (albeit they might fit a little better)? See...THAT has been my problem. All of those things are true in my case, so I just went into a frenzy trying to figure out how to "fix" it. Searching for that ultimate formula, filled with despair and frustration. So maybe the SCALE doesn't move in the right direction very much, or maybe I AM still wearing the same size.

Maybe I can't tell I'm doing anything good for myself when I look at the numbers on the SCALE, or the tape measure, or the waistband of my pants. Maybe it doesn't show at all right now, but I can FEEL it. When I place my hands on my waist to scold the cats (hehe), I can feel something firm there, and not buried any too deeply either! When I shave my legs, I can see the muscle definition, even though it may still be buried under a lot of flab, I know it's there. When I'm pulling up that pair of pants in the same size as before I began exercising so religiously, I note that the butt looks a little higher and firmer.

PLUS, my knees are about 80% better than they were before, EVEN THOUGH MY WEIGHT IS THE SAME. I no longer fear encountering a workout that includes squats or lunges. And my balance is better (still bad, but getting better every day). I can touch my toes. I can hold many yoga positions that I used to run away from, scared, lol. I still cannot do a pilates roll-up, but I'm getting closer - and I can do everything else without having to modify anything. AND I haven't given up this time, I will eventually get to the point at which I CAN do the roll-up. I can run (slowly) and jump rope (a little).

Progress need not be measured in numbers. The numbers don't tell it all...
I AM MAKING PROGRESS!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLAMNGLOWDIVA 6/22/2009 1:40AM

    You're doing good! Keep it up! I'm, glad that you are noticing other ways that you can tell you're losing the weight.

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BIGT_56 6/21/2009 1:23PM

    I am so glad to hear you saying these things. emoticon
I was worried the scale might win this round, but I should have known better. You are way tougher than any scale could ever be...and with all that exercise, you are getting leaner and meaner every day. emoticon
You may even scare those cats before long. emoticon

I for one am totally impressed with all the exercise you are doing. I don't think I will ever get that roll-up thing myself and jumping for any reason is totally out of the question. It is way too hard on my back and knees!

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SparkPeople - what's right with the world today!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The outpouring of support I've gotten here is just amazing! I have a lot of people to thank, and plan to do just that, but it will probably take me awhile to get to everyone. For now, I just wanted to let everyone know I "heard" you, and appreciate all the comments. You SparkPeople are all simply wonderful!

I have more to say, as always, but need to get going on my morning exercises and walk before it gets any later. I love you all, and I'll be back later today to share my thoughts.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRANCA1P 6/16/2009 7:22AM

    our girl is back in the light!
this makes me , happy, too!
we can all make our dreams come true!
peace and continued light, fran

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I'm sorry - I just can't do this any more

Friday, June 12, 2009

Maybe I haven't given up completely, but I've become obsessed with losing weight, and it just isn't happening. At ALL. This means that each and every day I feel like a failure, and I just really need to take a break from that. At this point, seeing "I've lost another pound!" (or more)....or "I've hit another milestone!" would be just the thing I need to make me go ballistic and start killing people. So, for the sake of humanity, I'm taking a break.

I am removing the bathroom scale from the bathroom, and putting it back under the bed. It only works for Chazz anyway...which is just one more reminder that everyone can do this but me. Oh, I know that's not likely true, but I swear I've been going through this for YEARS now, with no success. No milestones for me, unless you want to consider setting the record for the most weigh ins with no change a milestone. But it doesn't make me feel like celebrating.

I plan to continue to workout daily, but without that darn S.C.A.L.E. (Sinister Contraption that Allows Lost Ego) in my face all the time, taunting me all the time. That sinister contraption is removing my desire to do anything to even become healthier. Forget about the fact that I have become more flexible, have more stamina, can be more active without tiring - if that SCALE tells me I'm not getting anywhere, it's the SCALE I believe. Without SCALE in my life, perhaps I'll be able to stop obsessing and get back to concentrating on improving my health.

The main reason I'm publishing this blog is as an explanation. No doubt, some of you have missed my wit and charm on the teams lately (heh-heh). And there are a couple of challenges I have joined that I will not be participating in after all. I will do my best to contact team leaders individually, but, just in case, it's in my blog.

I'm sorry for letting me down. My daughter has always said that I become obsessed with everything I do, and lately Chazz has been saying that as well. I know they are right, but I can't seem to change that. I always go into these things swearing I'm going to keep my head straight THIS TIME, and focus on what really matters. But I see the tiniest indication that I just *might* be capable of losing some weight after all, and the wheels are in motion again. BRAIN says to me, if I can lose a quarter of a pound doing what I'm doing, imagine how much I'll be able to lose if I do three times as much! And I'm off an rolling. EVERY TIME. I need to get this under control, because I'm seriously sliding into a depression, and how stupid is THAT?!! The fact is, I'm making and keeping myself miserable, and need a break.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RENNAH 6/14/2009 6:28PM

    I agree with everyone and you.. Do put the scale away.. DO focus on how you feel rather than weight!! I had to change that in myself as well.. You are NOT alone!
Take joy in every good thing! BIG emoticon

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DENNIS48 6/13/2009 5:02PM

    I noticed your blog title on my friend feed - we have BEAUTIFULWOMEN in common. Several of us are on a "lose the scale in June" challenge, and from you wrote, I think you're on the right track. I went from weighing myself four times a day to going 13 days and counting without stepping on the scale. I've substituted other metrics - such as how well my clothes fit - and might just make a habit of this even after June.

I support you in finding moderation.

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BIGDAD1211 6/13/2009 4:38PM

    Hello
I just happened to see your blog and I hope you don't mind, but I don't think you should give up. I do agree about putting the scale away. That thing makes us forget that we are getting stronger, gaining more stamia and just getter better overall! You are doing good and you will continue to do better!
Keep it up!
Greg

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MSWEEZER 6/13/2009 4:18PM

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you notice changes the scale doesn't reflect. Don't put so much into the scale and putting it away is a good thing. Focus on the rest of it. How you feel, what you are capable of and how your clothes fit. It is just a number and when you least expect it, that too will change but you don't need it in your face daily if it is just a downer. Keep exercising and eating well and be happy. Remember, happiness comes from within and it sounds like you have many things in your life worthwhile to be happy about. Hang in there.

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WENDYSPARKS 6/13/2009 4:08PM

    Do not give up, Debbie...take small steps in a positive direction. Continue to drink your water. emoticon

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BIGDRUNNER 6/13/2009 3:41PM

    Hang in there Debbie keep your chin up.You have my support if you need anything let me know emoticon

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KIMMER827 6/13/2009 1:22PM

    Look at all the support and love you have from your SparkPeople buddies! You did the right thing... just don't get depressed!

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THENEWJOSIE2 6/13/2009 9:27AM

    Deb I think you're doing the right thing! Keep eating right and stay active and you will be healthier AND happier!! PLEASE don't leave the team .. we need you!!

Together we can do it!!

Josie emoticon

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LUCYVLH1 6/13/2009 9:15AM

    Oh Debbie, looks like you hit a nerve with all of us. So that should be some consolation..you are not alone.

I do think those that called the scale the devil...are pretty close. I had a spell with it this morning. Without changing eating habits, being good as gold..showed a two pound weight gain. Now, two hours later, obsessed, go back and it is gone.

Debbie...here is my story and maybe it will help you some. I was obese (gosh hate that word)..and since I was close to 100 lbs overweight, morbidly obese. I got up one day and started walking..nothing else. No fancy exercises, no gym, just walking. Each week I increased till I walked an hour daily. I didn't have sparks then..no computer. I just started eating out of small children's plates, small utensils...and I had NO scale. I weighed at the doctor's office once a month to every six weeks. Each month if I had lost five pounds in the month..I would reward myself...and you know what, every month, I did lose at least five pounds. I had no plateaus...cause by the time I would weigh, I probably had one and never knew it.
In the end, I reached my goals...and for all I know, might have hit a month before I even realized it.
Stop worrying. If you are eating healthy, keeping track of your carbs or calories..whatever plan you have chosen...doing your hour or so of walking etc a day..then relax. don't pull the scales out. Fran on 50+ never weighs but once a month or so..but she takes measurements. There are so many ways to gauge your success and the scale is not the number one way.
You are not a quitter...I know that and so do you. this is a set back, a disappointment a let down...but not a reason to give up. When you give up is the only time you have really lost out. I am here...check my mail daily and I will be your buddy if you need.
OH..do NOT ever compare weight losses with a man. What a lost cause and a real bummer.

Comment edited on: 6/13/2009 9:16:55 AM

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MAXFOCUS 6/12/2009 8:55PM

    Glad you are putting the SCALE away. No sense letting it cause a depression. You don't need that. Just be an active person and have fun. You're so worth it!

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MILDREDDRYSDALE 6/12/2009 7:35PM

    Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.We have only today. Let us begin.
- Mother Teresa

I think you should just be yourself and do what you want for yourself today. emoticon

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GLAMNGLOWDIVA 6/12/2009 1:46PM

    Hey girl! Sometimes you just has to put it away. I use to weigh myself everyday, but stopped and have cut down to now Monday & Friday. I would wake up the other days and drink a glass of water first thing and for some reason my brain would register that I can't step on the scale because I've put something in my stomach. I think you need a big emoticon right now. You've done so good so far, don't let the numbers become what you're whole journey is about.

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BIGT_56 6/12/2009 12:44PM

    You have an obsessive nature...noooo way! emoticon
I think you need to take a break and give yourself a break. Put those darn scales away and say "Good Riddance". Just eat healthy and keep on with those lovely nature hikes and enjoy feeling good about yourself for doing it. You know what they say "a watched pot won't boil", so just do what you know is right and see the difference in your body and to hell with what those scales say!
I personally like your wit and charm, so even though you are taking a break, know that I am here to talk to anytime you need to vent or rejoice, or have "wisdoms" to share.

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Terrie

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MERMAIDTOES 6/12/2009 10:40AM

    I understand completely all that you are going through, I have been there so many times myself. I had to even say it out loud that I have been struggling with my weight for over 30 years! I've been dieting or bingeing most of those years in horrible cycles that never seemed to end until I declared I would never diet again. I took a break from it all for a few years and learned more during that time about my body, my wrong thinking and how life changes and I have to do things differently as time goes by.

Yes, the scale can be obnoxious and it certainly cannot tell you anything about your health at all. It can only measure weight. I once read a piece written by Geneen Roth that talked about not weighing yourself if you feel fat that day. She said there is nothing that the scale can tell you that you don;t already know. I use that philosophy. I know I am obese and the scale will confirm it.

I pay more attention now to how I feel than I do about what the scale says. I want to feel good, both inside and outside. Certain foods and certain amounts of food make me feel good. I work on achieving that feeling as much as I can. When I focus on feeling good, eventually the scale has to reveal the changes.

Wishing you the best in your break from it all. Perhaps this time will bring new thoughts about what works and what doesn't for you.
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CONSTANCELG 6/12/2009 10:38AM

    LOL I threw my scale out years ago. Now I only weigh myself when my clothes start to get baggy and I am at curves where they have a reliable scale. It has given me a real sense of freedom and self confidence!

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DEVANDAISY 6/12/2009 10:28AM

    I agree with Jen...if you need a break, you need a break. I think moving the scale is a great idea. I had to do that one time b/c I did become obsessed, weighing twice a day and getting so frustrated over it if it didn't move.

I do think it's great that you are going to keep on excercising..that's the important thing. Because exercising on a regular basis improves your health and that is what we all want....better health!

Just keep living your life daily, enjoying it and keep on keeping on with the exercise. You might just be surprised when your clothes become looser:-)
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GRAMMAOFFIVE 6/12/2009 10:24AM

    It does sound like you need a break. That scale can be a devil, telling us so many untruths about ourself. It is good that it is back under the bed and that you are focusing just on being healthy. Keep being active and keep that stamina up. Sometimes fit does not mean skinny. I am sure you are doing a lot more now then a lot of skinny people and that is good for your health and well being.
One day you may make it back. And we will still be here, ready to listen.
Take care of yourself.
Diane

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TERESEPAMELA 6/12/2009 10:23AM

    Hi,
Wow - you say you have more flexibility and stamina? - that's GREAT!!

I'm one of those awful people that weigh themselves everyday - because it works for me. I think that's one of the major keys to this thing - finding out what works for YOU! - I know there are many people who feel the same way you do about the scale - so throw the thing out already - if you're feeling healthier and stronger who cares what the number says. I'm just starting out again myself so I'm not exactly an expert, but if you keep exercising and staying within your calorie limit you're bound to lose eventually, I read another blog this morning with tips on seeing if you're losing weight without using the scale.. are your rings loser on your finger, pants loser in the thigh, sleeves looser....
Please don't give up.. believe it or not your comments on flexibility and stamina were a major inspiration for me.

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FEFERNATOR 6/12/2009 10:19AM

    You know yourself better than anyone and if you need a break you then you need a break. I am glad you will be removing the scale but still exercising. The scale has been my enemy too so I know what you mean. I used to obsessively weigh myself daily. We are our own worst critics and can beat ourselves up, but we don't deserve it. As long as you know that you are giving your 100% that is what matters. Who cares what the scale says, it's how you feel that is important. Ditch the scale and focus on the changes you can see/feel like the flexibility and stamina. Perhaps write a blog on the positive changes you have seen and really put your attention and energy into the positive. Losing weight is a work in progress, it may take longer than originally anticipated but it is the journey that we should focus on and enjoy. Hang in there.
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