Wednesday, January 27, 2010
You may have noticed that my last blog entry was on July 4, 2009. That was a nasty decade though...glad I get a fresh start! And it's about time, now that January is nearly over with, I'm really feeling an urgency to make things HAPPEN, and this is the best place to begin. I need a job...but I need to renew my self confidence and self esteem more, maybe even first (although I REALLY need a job).
I've been dealing with depression through escapism, and many of you (those of you who are my facebook friends as well as my spark friends) know exactly how I've been "escaping". It's unhealthy, unhelpful (it's a word if I wanna use it!), and worse than non-productive - it's downright counter-productive! But it's what I've been doing for the better part of the past year. Sitting around the house, playing games (at least I stopped paying for the games...I used to have game "memberships" where I paid money each month in order to buy a new game), watching movies, and eating. And when the reality would force its way into my consciousness enough for me to remember what I'm doing to myself, I get all stressed out, which only depresses me more. So I take a Xanax, which does nothing to improve the situation, but it does take some of the edge off of the stress...leaving only the depression.
All the while I KNOW what I should be doing, and I realize that exercise is shown to be the best stress reducer known to man (or to somebody, anyway). I know that I always feel better, physically AND emotionally, when I eat right. And I know that using food to satisfy my "needs" is hogwash...it doesn't satisfy anything at all. I KNOW THAT! Yet I continue along the same path of...nothing. Just nothing. Going to waste, in every possible way.
Today I told myself that I really need a fitness buddy, or a diet buddy, or ANYONE who can relate to my situation. Yes, I know you are all right here, my SP friends, and for that I am extremely thankful; but I need someone to be my buddy IN PERSON, too. Sadly, I've been struggling with depression and mood swings and low self-esteem for so long that I have pretty much alienated all my friends. Besides that, none of them had weight problems or felt any need to or interest in exercise, diet, or fitness. I've managed to isolate myself here with Chazz (and he's just about the worst "fitness buddy" I could have! he eats all kinds of crap, never does a speck of exercise, and still keeps his weight under control).
I need help. And I need a job. But I need help first.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Keeping this short and sweet. I have been allowed "stuff" to keep me preoccupied, and haven't been doing my usual "daily SP stuff". I'm having a flare-up of an old medical problem (digestive system), I can't hike because I broke my toe, and the weather's too crappy for the beach - or for my mental health, for that matter. So I've just been hanging around the house, eating as well as I can manage right now, and...well, not much more than that. The attitude just went to hell.
So I was sitting here (as usual) wondering what has happened to my motivation. I mean, really, allowing a broken TOE to interfere with my fitness program?!! A femur, maybe, but a TOE??? Sure it hurts like hell, but I can still walk. And even if/when it hurts too much to *really* walk, I could still ride the stationary bike to get some cardio in. And I'm pretty sure that I can do pilates, or ANY mat exercise without encountering too much pain - and even if there were moves that hurt my toe, I'm pretty much an expert at modifying exercises. I just can't believe how LAZY I've gotten!
So....back to sitting here, wondering what the hell is going on with me, when it finally came to me - I haven't been logging into SP every day, and so have been lacking that motivation I was getting here. When I had it, I would NEVER have allowed myself to use all these lame excuses for not exercising. So now I'm just wondering why, or HOW, I ever managed to ignore the ONE thing I knew for certain I needed to help me stay motivated and excited about fitness.
Well, I'm here now, and heading back in the right direction, and thankful that you are all still here as well...waiting for me to come to my senses and JUST DO IT!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
By now we all know all about my obsessive personality. Not OCD, because, although I do obsess, and my thoughts may become consumed by the obsession du jeur, I am not quite obsessed enough to become compulsive about ACTING on it, I just spend WAY too much time thinking about it (whatever "it" may be...in this case, obviously, diet/exercise/weight loss). The SCALE was the main instigator of my weight loss obsession, so I removed it from the equation. I have not yet decided how long it is to remain banned from my bathroom, but I do know it will not make its presence known today!
We all know, also, that there are many other ways of measuring our progress - other than SCALE, I mean. We can use our measuring tape, and use the numbers on there to determine our progress. Or we can use our clothes (my personal favorite), and just go by how they fit, rejoicing once we are able to wear a smaller size (another number). We can track our BMI (which requires SCALE, btw) or our body fat percentage (more numbers).
OK, so there are a lot of ways to "measure" our progress. But what if the SCALE doesn't move, or the numbers don't appear to be changing much on the tape measure, or you're STILL wearing the same size clothes (albeit they might fit a little better)? See...THAT has been my problem. All of those things are true in my case, so I just went into a frenzy trying to figure out how to "fix" it. Searching for that ultimate formula, filled with despair and frustration. So maybe the SCALE doesn't move in the right direction very much, or maybe I AM still wearing the same size.
Maybe I can't tell I'm doing anything good for myself when I look at the numbers on the SCALE, or the tape measure, or the waistband of my pants. Maybe it doesn't show at all right now, but I can FEEL it. When I place my hands on my waist to scold the cats (hehe), I can feel something firm there, and not buried any too deeply either! When I shave my legs, I can see the muscle definition, even though it may still be buried under a lot of flab, I know it's there. When I'm pulling up that pair of pants in the same size as before I began exercising so religiously, I note that the butt looks a little higher and firmer.
PLUS, my knees are about 80% better than they were before, EVEN THOUGH MY WEIGHT IS THE SAME. I no longer fear encountering a workout that includes squats or lunges. And my balance is better (still bad, but getting better every day). I can touch my toes. I can hold many yoga positions that I used to run away from, scared, lol. I still cannot do a pilates roll-up, but I'm getting closer - and I can do everything else without having to modify anything. AND I haven't given up this time, I will eventually get to the point at which I CAN do the roll-up. I can run (slowly) and jump rope (a little).
Progress need not be measured in numbers. The numbers don't tell it all...
I AM MAKING PROGRESS!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Maybe I haven't given up completely, but I've become obsessed with losing weight, and it just isn't happening. At ALL. This means that each and every day I feel like a failure, and I just really need to take a break from that. At this point, seeing "I've lost another pound!" (or more)....or "I've hit another milestone!" would be just the thing I need to make me go ballistic and start killing people. So, for the sake of humanity, I'm taking a break.
I am removing the bathroom scale from the bathroom, and putting it back under the bed. It only works for Chazz anyway...which is just one more reminder that everyone can do this but me. Oh, I know that's not likely true, but I swear I've been going through this for YEARS now, with no success. No milestones for me, unless you want to consider setting the record for the most weigh ins with no change a milestone. But it doesn't make me feel like celebrating.
I plan to continue to workout daily, but without that darn S.C.A.L.E. (Sinister Contraption that Allows Lost Ego) in my face all the time, taunting me all the time. That sinister contraption is removing my desire to do anything to even become healthier. Forget about the fact that I have become more flexible, have more stamina, can be more active without tiring - if that SCALE tells me I'm not getting anywhere, it's the SCALE I believe. Without SCALE in my life, perhaps I'll be able to stop obsessing and get back to concentrating on improving my health.
The main reason I'm publishing this blog is as an explanation. No doubt, some of you have missed my wit and charm on the teams lately (heh-heh). And there are a couple of challenges I have joined that I will not be participating in after all. I will do my best to contact team leaders individually, but, just in case, it's in my blog.
I'm sorry for letting me down. My daughter has always said that I become obsessed with everything I do, and lately Chazz has been saying that as well. I know they are right, but I can't seem to change that. I always go into these things swearing I'm going to keep my head straight THIS TIME, and focus on what really matters. But I see the tiniest indication that I just *might* be capable of losing some weight after all, and the wheels are in motion again. BRAIN says to me, if I can lose a quarter of a pound doing what I'm doing, imagine how much I'll be able to lose if I do three times as much! And I'm off an rolling. EVERY TIME. I need to get this under control, because I'm seriously sliding into a depression, and how stupid is THAT?!! The fact is, I'm making and keeping myself miserable, and need a break.
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