Thursday, August 22, 2013
I've finally figured out that I can be happy with a weight-loss goal of 1/2 (that's one half, or 0.5; not one or two) pound per week. It's been really hard for me to accept that number, so I've been fighting it, or getting frustrated and giving up. It seems unfair because I am working SO hard for this (when I'm not throwing in the towel and binge-eating) that I felt I should be able to see those high numbers that others do, at least some times. But I can't compare my progress with that of others, because I'm just me. I need to accept the fact that, for me, 1/2 pound per week is success, and it's realistic. I had to fight to get over the idea that I could lose a pound a week if I just worked harder, because I can't do that right now. I CAN lose 1/2 pound *most weeks, and that's a darn sight better than gaining anything at all.
The grandchildren came and went, but they're coming back for x-mas. I'm trying to talk my younger daughter, the one with the baby, into coming with the two older grand kids, but I don't think she will. Can't say that I blame her, she'd be stuck with three kids and all the luggage to take care of. Anyway, I've set a goal to lose 10 pounds by the time they come back. That's four months, so just 2# per month, or 1/2 pound per week - perfect! And since it's doable, I should actually finally be able to reach a goal. The weekly goals will be harder to track, since it's hard to be certain of half a pound on the scale. I mean, sure you can read it, but it's likely to change several times over the course of the day. Maybe I can weigh bi-weekly and count every pound lost as a mini goal. Or monthly and aim for 2 pounds.
I think that the attitude regarding weight loss has changed significantly through the years; at least for someone as old as I am. I remember the days when we were cautioned not to lose weight too fast, or we'd end up with loose, sagging skin hanging off our bones. (That's when girls, or women, were also warned about "bulking up" with exercise, so we just starved ourselves, lol.) These days, what with "reality" shows such as "The Biggest Loser" or "Extreme Weight Loss", we have become programmed to believe that we should be able to lose 10 or more pounds per week, with the right program. Between that and the fact that the rate of weight-loss (stomach staples, lap bands, etc) and/or cosmetic surgery is increasing exponentially makes it easy to lose sight of the reality of our own personal situations. I do watch those shows for the motivation they provide. I was always well aware of the truth that my situation is far different from what I was watching...but somehow I allowed myself to become negatively affected anyway. And I thought I was a grown-up! Sheesh.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Well, two of the four grandchildren are coming, anyway. They are so grown up, they are flying here together, with no adults! Julien (JuJu) has been flying alone since he was 4 or 5, but I think this is Jerina's (Rina) first trip without an adult. They are growing up so fast!
Of course, I'm ALWAYS hurt when JuJu comes for a visit, but at least I can get around pretty well, and even without much pain most of the time, so I'm looking forward to having a great time with them!
Speaking of pain, it looks like I may have been rushing the healing of my ankle a bit, because it's more painful now than it was when I began the switch from seated chair workouts to regular workouts. I've really been pushing myself, too, and I suppose that didn't really help a torn ligament mend :( I'm just so anxious to do EVERYTHING, but I am going to slow down again, sit my big behind on a chair, and work that butt right off while I sit on it...what a feat that will be! I know I can get a good workout, even cardio workout, while sitting. I'm just not sure how much my chair can take, but I'm going to just go back to taking things slower and really try to give my ankle a chance to heal more before I put it through any more set-backs.
Final note before those kids get here (their grandpa is picking them up, so I likely won't see them until tomorrow...we're 29 years divorced). All that "pushing myself" I was doing wasn't really amounting to much weight loss, although I really was starting to see and feel the difference. Aside from not seeing the pounds falling off, I was also feeling really tired, to the point of exhaustion much of the time. So I finally decided to get brave and reset my SP settings, changing them from sedentary to somewhat active (I think that's what it was...the middle setting). Now I have to be even more careful when I use that fitness tracker, to make sure I don't get credit for burning more calories than I should, because those calories burned are reflected in my nutrition goals. I have to say that I appreciate feeling as though I'm getting enough to eat, AND I lost 2 more pounds! I took today as a rest day and was pleased to see my caloric goal dropped to reflect the lack of exercise. This was something I missed from the time I switched from eDiets to SparkPeople, the ability to count my calories burned in my nutrition plan. Now I have everything!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
When I posted last, I was all depressed and full of self-loathing; worried about my aged parents, and had basically stopped caring for myself. That translates into emotional eating and vegging on the couch (or wherever I could veg). After spending a week with my dad and his wife, as well as ALL my siblings (5), I am feeling much better. All the problems I had still exist, but that little break from feeling like I was dealing with everything alone did wonders for me. Nothing has changed but my attitude - but that's what needed changing the most!
My dad is still in end stage renal failure, but he's looking good, and feeling good, for the most part. Yes, it is likely that he won't be around very much longer, but he's making sure that he ends his life on a good note, with no unfinished business. He told us (siblings) how much joy he felt at seeing all 6 of his children together, getting along, laughing and enjoying each other's company...that alone made the trip worth it for me!
My mom is still blind, delusional, and kinda crazy, but I've got a lot of siblings who live close to her to help her as much as possible. In short, I can't do anything about that, so I have to just stop stressing out about it. And I can, really...it helps a little that she hallucinates as well, and there are reports that she sees her (deceased) husband and parents often, as well as...babies? But she appears to be enjoying her delusions, so I like to believe she's found some peace, somehow.
Now for business. I attended a wedding, a wedding reception, a rehearsal dinner, and ate out a LOT, and managed to stay on course through most of it. As much as I love wedding cake (inexplicable, but I really do), I didn't even go near it. When we went out for brunch, I had oatmeal! The only exercise I got was when we walked from place to place...and a little bit of sight-seeing we did. In the end, between the previous week, when I was stressing out and allowing emotions to determine my diet, and last week, when I was exposed to all manner of sweets and treats, I managed to lose another pound. How cool is that?! I know it's only a pound, but it's a pound LESS, when I was fearing multiple pounds more. Instant motivation!
Now I have to get working, because it's mid-afternoon already, and I've none ZERO workouts! Here I go.........
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I'm trying to stay on track, but failing rather miserably. I hate making excuses, but my life is truly unmanageable right now. I mean, just...wow...no words can describe all these thoughts flying around inside my head.
OK, so I'll start with my dad. I just had a very nice Father's Day dinner with him, and he looked rather pale and maybe a little jaundiced, but he's in kidney failure, so it's to be expected. However, he was unusually sentimental, and announced repeatedly how lucky he is to be able to celebrate with his loved ones. Last week my stepmother told me that his doctor informed him that he (my dad) might have two weeks, or he might have two months, but he'd better make sure his affairs are in order. My dad is 89, and we've known his kidneys are failing for some time now. We also knew that he had made the decision not to undergo dialysis, but to just allow them to fail - we respected that decision. But now that he has reached end stage renal disease, I'm finding out that I was not as prepared to accept him being gone as I had thought I was. I've been grieving for the past month...before he's even gone.
I am so very thankful that he was able to live such a long, interesting life; and that when the end became near he still has all his faculties, so can decide how he wants things handled. He's got an Advance Directive, recently revised, so no worries there. But...I'm not ready. My niece (another niece, I was just at the wedding of my California niece, but this is the Colorado niece, lol) is getting married on Saturday, and my dad is planning on flying out to CO for the wedding. All six of his children (my siblings and I) are planning on being there for the wedding, just to be sure that my dad gets a chance to be with all his kids at the same time at least once more before...
I had already declined the invitation to go, because that last wedding trip left me so depressed and anxious, but now, with all this, I just have to go. I still don't fit into any of my nice clothes, I feel fatter than ever (even though I know that can't really be possible), ugly, embarrassed, self-conscious, and depressed...and am on my way to Colorado to be with a whole clan of people that I would usually try to avoid; in groups at least. So I'm totally stressed about that.
My mother, who just happens to be the same age as my dad, is legally blind due to macular degeneration, in a wheelchair due to a hip thing, has rheumatoid arthritis that would be crippling if she weren't already in a wheelchair, keeps getting a urinary tract infection. She's been hospitalized several times over the past several months, and her social worker has recommended that she move into a long-term care facility. Likely that care won't be all that long-term, given her recent health issues.
The fact is, my parents are old. They have been divorced for 50 years, but it's amazing that they are both the same age (nearly 90) and both just starting to languish. I'm finding that, no matter how old they get, or how much time you have to accept the fact that they can't go on living forever, it's still hard. All that's left to hope for is that their journeys are peaceful and easy when the time comes.
In the meantime, I just can't get a grip! So, of course, I have been fluctuating between eating healthy, exercising, being on plan...and eating garbage, lying around and feeling sorry for myself, and allowing myself to wallow in the mire of depression...which just makes me hate myself. I thought I was doing so well just a few months ago, too.
This, too, shall pass ;)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Now that Day 5 of the Summer Challenge for the Spark Solution is nearing an end, I'll do a little evening update. First, I did what I said I was not going to do, and I did exercise that stressed my ankle. But, to be fair, I thought it might not hurt me. I thought wrong. Again. Although I am fairly sure I didn't do any additional damage, I maybe should have stuck with my original resolve to go easy on the ankle and stick with chair workouts until it had healed. BUT, if you had seen this video you would have felt the urge to tackle it as well! OK, maybe not, but who can resist someone with high hair wearing leg warmers (or bobby socks, I'm not sure) AND pantyhose for her workout? You think I'm kidding?
Now for the myth debunkery commensation (spell checker, don't even try). Although I have heard (or seen) one or two of the Spark Coaches speak of this wondrous item of remarkability, my nutrition tracker still insists on 8 glasses of water each day. Seriously, I don't even need to set a desktop alarm or appointment to remember to get up and move every hour, I have to get up to pee anyway! Sadly, that's day and night, which might have more than a little to do with my lack of sleep. OK, maybe not every hour, but I am generally up 2 or 3 times during the night to use the bathroom, and it seems that the water I drink doesn't even have a chance to be absorbed before I have to let it back out again. And my urine is not pale yellow, it's invisible it's so clear. That's either too much water or too little absorption, I think. I know that many would suggest that it will get better with time, once my body adjusts to being flooded with so much water, in addition to all the juicy fruits and vegetables, but I've been at this for a long time, and it has never gotten much better. So I brought along an article to back up my opinion that it might be a little silly to engrave the 8 glasses policy on a tablet of stone. Maybe some people don't need as much water as others. Maybe some get more water in their food than others. Or maybe some people are just sick of walking upstairs every hour (or more) to use the restroom. In any case, here's my back-up. www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/27/de
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