Saturday, January 11, 2014
I had a dream last night...
I was standing in front of a full length mirror admiring myself. I had beautiful flawless skin, white perfect teeth and shiny long hair. But what really caught my eye was my body. I was small again. I was no longer "fat". I turned sideways and placed my hand where my potbelly had previously been. I immediately was filled with emotions. I had done it! I had lost all my weight. No more being invisible. No more hiding and pretending I don't exist. Oh...I could finally get that a family photo taken now that I have been avoiding for eight years! It was just the most fantastical moment and then...
I woke up.
Grief completely consumed me. My negative inner self knows this dream will never happen and chastises me for torturing myself with it. My positive, and often less influential, inner self tries to tell me that not only can it happen but that it will. What I do realize, and must give credit too, is that being fat has changed me for the better. When I was skinny, I had no comprehension of what a selfish lazy person I was. It is a sad testament to our society but the honest truth is that if you are pretty you can get away with a lot. I realized as the weight came on that I had to change because my "cute factor" was gone.
When you are overweight people tend to not see "you" but your actions. As a Guest Services Representative at a hotel, I stood all day. We had three registers, three individuals and only one chair. The other two ladies were 15 years younger and size 2. I refused to sit in that chair because I felt that if I did, people would think "yea, she probably needs to stand more." I have worked so hard to prove that I am worthy of being in this world. This is a personal mission that never would have happened if I hadn't gained weight. As a skinny girl, I never gave much thought at all about my contribution to society. Now, I feel that in everything I have to prove my worth to it.
So my dream may never come true, but I have to admit that my personal growth is has become more important to me. I have, and continue, to achieve things that I would not have considered had I stayed skinny.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
You know what child rearing and weight loss have in common? This isn't a joke by the way. They both have way to many, conflicting information. I remember when I had my first born, my grandmother told me to listen to myself because babies don't come with an instruction manual. I completely agree and disagree. I agree you should listen to yourself, however I feel that there are way too many instructions. It doesn't matter what you chose to do with respect to feeding, clothing or even disciplining your child, there is a study or statistics to prove you right and wrong. How is anyone suppose to figure out what to do in a world that diverse? The exact thing could be said of weight loss. How many times have you read, don't eat carbs, you must eat carbs, don't stop eating foods you love, you must give up refined sugar and the list goes on and on.
Something occurred to me the other day when I got up and did my daily ritual; I stepped on Medusa (the scale). Yes, I have named my scale. I name lots of things in my life from my car, my computer and even my gun. I picked Medusa for the scale because (1) it is just an ugly name (2) it is totally NOT my friend and (3) just as Medusa turned people to stone, freezing them right in their spot...I feel the scale does the same for me. Anyway, I stepped on Medusa and again for three weeks now not one pound lost. I was so angry. Here I am working my tushy off and nothing...nada...not even a half pound!!
So here I am completely angry with Medusa and face it she is just a small box with batteries. I have given all my power and faith to a small box with batteries (that has an ugly name). I quit listening to myself, where my body is concerned, a long time ago. Because when I sat and really thought about this whole situation here is what I figured out
THE SCALE TELLS LIES OF OMISSION
What does that mean? Simply put, there is so much that Medusa just isn't capable of telling me. So much faith I had put into her, to tell me I am closer to my goal, that I will one day be pretty again! When the truth is, SHE IS A BOX WITH BATTERIES!! This is what I heard when I listened to myself, these are the changes that have occurred that tell me I am closer to my goal:
(1) I can run for 25 min without stopping
(2) I get cranky when I DON'T work out (which means my body craves it, YES!)
(3) I can fit into pants that I couldn't before
(4) the muscles in my legs are looking fantastic
(5) things that would normally send me crying or looking for food, don't really seem that bad anymore. (cause I'm less stressed since working out)
(6) Yesterday I kicked butt at cleaning and it felt awesome because I felt strong
Medusa has her place, but honestly she is completely limited. Sometimes you have to stop and listen to yourself. What does your body/mind tell you about your progress and your goals? Maybe it is time to quit reading and looking at studies about what you should and shouldn't do and just listen. "I'm jus say'n!!"
Thursday, February 03, 2011
I have been doing so well. I mean really well. Then, of course, Murphy has to show up with his law that things must go wrong at the most horrific time. So I admit, I was a little stressed out. There has been some drama in the nieghborhood and as a result I lost two friends.
So I went to the store this morning and got chocolate cake and ate it. Half a cake by myself. Still feeling horrible and like a complete failure, I visited Carl's Junior, where I enhaled a burger and fries. I have very good reasons for all of this. I have a whole list of people and situations to blame for this lapse in judgement.
I would have never over eaten if it wasn't for:
1. Two of my nieghbors being total jerks and making me feel bad
2. The landlord making me move while my husband is deployed (renovating the house)
3. My kids weren't driving me crazy with constant projects and sports and running around
4. The dog always getting out and running around the neighborhood
5. Carl's Jr. for having a great tasting burger
6. My truck's driver side window for picking today to actually work and roll down so I could order my burger.
7. Safeway for having this chocolate cake on sale (ok, would have bought it anyway but still)
8. My husband for being deployed and making me feel like I LIVE THIS LIFE ALONE!
Okay, now having stated all that I know that it is ridiculous to blame anyone but ME. I know this because I am not a victim. If I am in victim status, then I have given away all my power. Thus, I have no power in which to make changes. I need to make changes so therefore I can not be a victim. I AM TO BLAME FOR OVEREATING! I am responsibile for Am not being able to handle rejection or confrontation without fixing it with food. I, AM, need to find a way to handle stress without turning to the one thing that will actually make it worse in the end.
Food is not my friend, it is for me to survive on.
Food will not comfort me, it will make me sick
Food will not make it better, abusing it will only make it worse
So I could sit here and say, "Bad Am, bad bad girl" but it won't make me feel any better. I did my run tonight and did a great job. All I can do is start over again tomorrow. Meditate, pray, warm green tea in the morning and start all over. Good nite!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
I created a mantra for myself to make it through my running program. I am in the 5th week of my couch to 5k program and tonight I had to run 20 min straight. Guess what! I DID IT!! And it wasn't as hard as I thought. For the first time in YEARS I feel like I can be strong again. Anyway, I created this mantra to keep me going when I wanted to stop. Nothing spectacular but when I was in the military, cadences not only kept rythym (sp?) but they kept you going. So I decided I needed something like that. I also feel that if you find something works for you, you should share it so that maybe it works for someone else.
I am a force, not a weight
all obstacles get out of my way
I am not a victim of my weight
I am a force and this is my day!
While the pounds have not gone down as I would like, I can happily state that I have lost 1 inch on my waist and .75 inch on my hips. My husband was like, "really .75? You count that?" HELL YES I do. I worked hard for that. I'm counting everything...including the 1 inch off my neck. I was surprised by that. I think the weight is coming off my face and neck faster than anywhere else.
I can't wait to run my first 5k. I am so happy right now. I never thought I would get this far. All I can say is that each day I workout, I end it thinking "WOW, what can I do next?"
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