Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I spent a lot of my life being a wallflower. In other words, when I went to a party or walked into a big room with a lot of people, I wanted to shrink away, to not be seen. I would go in and hope I saw someone I knew to sit with. Or that someone would talk to me and I wouldn't feel like a fifth wheel. Wasted a lot of time I did. I was shy and insecure, always wanted to be popular but never was. I didn't win homecoming queen or even get nominated. My sister did. I was always second fiddle to her although I was proud of her.
I joined the Air Force 2 years out of college. I always would force myself to do things I didn't want to do or was afraid to do. I wasn't afraid to join the Air Force. I was very patriotic and it was during the VIetnam War. I wasn't able to find a decent job after college and kind of flitted around. Thus the Air Force solved a lot of problems for me. A job, answer to my patriotic dreams and a husband. I met him while at the bar in the officer's club early on in my first assignment. I had forced myself to go there, walk in the door and act like I was supposed to be there and happy for it. It was either that or stay at the BOQ by myself.
Where am I going with this? I spent a lot of years forcing myself to do things, attend a meeting, buy a business, join the chamber of commerce. THese were things I wanted to do but if I listened to my afraid and insecure self, I would have never gone anywhere in life. I was reminded of all of this Sunday evening when we went to the Egg Nog Party at the Yacht Club where we are recent new members. My sister had wanted us to join for many years but we were so busy with other things and obligations, we did not until this year. For some reason I finally decided I had the money and a little time and why not. We've made friends through her. They have a sailboat and are friends with all the sailors and boat owners. We on the other hand, don't have a boat and have no intention of getting one. But, we have lots of friends and acquaintances in the club already through the Chamber of Commerce where my hubby works and through my decorating business. Many are clients already. So during the egg nog party we at first sat with sis and our new boating friends. Then we started to mill around and talk to other people we knew. Hubby went off and talked to friends, making jokes, etc like he always does. And I found myself sitting with 2 old ladies, one I knew and her neighbor. The local high school chorus was singing and I wanted to hear them and so I sat in a vacant seat next to this woman that I knew.
Later on, hubby commented on that and apologized for leaving me while he galavanted around the room. I realized, for the first ime in my life, that I was completely comfortable with my situation, having made my choice to sit with these two "elderly" ladies. I didn't have to have anyone sit with me, or hold my hand, or get me into a place where I felt comfortable. I was already comfortable. Where did all this come from? I don't know but I'm glad it did.
While I was writing this, I asked hubby what her name was? He couldn't remember but he did make a not so nice comment about her. Yes, she was kind of crazy and weird but I'm sure that for her, that was normal.
I had an appointment with an elderly lady(80+ maybe) yesterday who wanted suggestions on slipcovering her chairs. THat didn't work out but while I was there, I noticed she had a beautiful quilt hanging over her staircase bannister. I commented on it and she said her mother had made it. Then I told her of my recent quilting experience and how I was enjoying it. Then she told me she had a box filled with her mothers notes and patterns on the quilts she had made and I told her I would love to see it. She was so happy, she brought it out and I looked at the yellowed papers and the tiny patterns, pieces of fabric. She didn't keep me as I think she felt she should pay for my time, which of course wasn't necessary. One day I will go back and she will pull out all of her mother's quilts and I will so enjoy looking at them. She did comment that she didn't think her children would want them. Now I visualize taking photographs of all the quilts and copying the notes and writing a book about them. Aren't I silly?
Got WW today. So don't expect to lose anything. Probably gain but I'm okay with whatever happens. Later.