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Touch and go. Day 165

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

LEARN TO BE CALM AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY!

I guess I was calm today when I rearended the car in front of me. I had just gone to Mcdonald's and got an apple yogurt walnut salad instead of a sausage biscuit. So while I was driving and dipping, next thing I knew there was this car in front of me stopped at the red light and I was right on top of her. Just a small bump and not too much damage, scratches and scrapes. I always drive far enough away from the other car but darn those apples and dip. They say if you want to lose weight, don't eat in your car. Or text or use your cell phone. Could be dangerous. My dear hubby came and helped me, called the insurance agent and the police to come and I didn't get a ticket luckily.
And I came home and had a sensible lunch. THe lady was very nice which always helps. I think I need a break, put on some shorts and take it easy. Later.

Oh, and early this morning, the toilet started bubbling up while I was showering which is a sign of bad things to come. Hubby got the plunger and plunged for a few minutes and then decided to try flushing it. Guess what, the water flooded over the side and all over the floor so the plumber had to come. I stayed calm through that as well.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 6/12/2010 10:02AM

    LOL... UH.. emoticon I think you are getting some interesting advice (see below!) BREATHE!

Glad you did not get hurt while driving. that is good.

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JENNY888 6/9/2010 7:32PM

    Not the best of days. I'm glad there wasn't too much damage to the cars. Things have to go up from here.

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LJCANNON 6/9/2010 6:15PM

    emoticonGet some rest and maybe go for a walk. I am glad you are OK.

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KASEYCOFF 6/9/2010 5:19PM

    Wotta day! Forget the apple-yogurt-salad-dip - I would head straight for the brandy bottle. And I would be very calm, after if not before, lol...

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ANOTHER START! DAY 164

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

LEARN TO BE CALM AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY!

I decided to change my mantra, above, until it becomes ingrained in my memory. Yesterday, after my festival weekend, I went back to tracking and eating right and I peed and peed all day, losing about 2 to 3 lbs. Amazing how that works. I got to the end of dinner and did well with calories. Then about an hour later, my stomach was rolling. I tried drinking water and it didn't help. Finally I gave in and had whole wheat toast with 1 T peanut butter and a klondike bar. Those darn klondike bars. If my husband buys another box, I will beat him with it. I still ended the day with a respectable 1800 calories and considering I was going to try calorie cycling, that wasn't so bad. I must get something besides peanut butter to spread on my toast. Like Laughing cow cheese that has fewer calories but still a protein. I feel a lot less bloated today.

Got a lot to do today so Later!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 6/12/2010 9:59AM

    LOL.. The image of your husband on the ground with a crushed klondike bar box did make my chuckle! I thought the same thing when my DH wanted to bring in the Haggen Daas!

Love the mantra :)

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KASEYCOFF 6/9/2010 3:50AM

    Sort of like a pendulum - it never stays in one place, but by moving from one side to the other, it still achieves balance. And so will you! emoticon

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MARSHASTAR 6/8/2010 11:53AM

    I'm glad I live alone. I eat Quaker Rice cakes (White Cheddar) when I think I simply must eat something. They aren't terrific, but they help with urges.

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PJGABRIEL 6/8/2010 11:37AM

    Sounds like the weekend went well and yesterday was a good day. Have a great day today.
emoticon emoticon

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RITAROSE 6/8/2010 9:31AM

  Have a great day working your plan!! You can do this! emoticon

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QUADCMOM 6/8/2010 8:47AM

    Way to go on a successful day. Darn those snacks that seem to be calling from the kitchen. LOL.

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SPARKPEOPLE QUOTES! DAY 163

Monday, June 07, 2010

YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!

I didn't know that Sparkpeople had a quote library! Or a save to favorites section! There is so much on this site, I'm sure I'm clueless about most of it. I was reading an article sent to my box this morning about surrounding yourself with the positive. In it was highlighted the quote library. I clicked on that and found access to hundreds of quotes! Did not know that.

I found this quote under happiness, "Learn to be calm and you will always be happy!" That spoke to me for sure, especially after writing my dissertation 2 days ago about myself and how I said that "happiness to me is not being sad." I am most happiness when I am calm and not anxious or angry. When I am calm, I also eat more sensibly.

I woke this morning of course with a weight gain. Back to 185 again. I got disgusted with myself and then I thought, no, I am not going to do that. Getting anxious and upset is pointless. I chose to have a good time this weekend and that included eating and drinking too much. I'm going to go one day at a time. Just for today, I vow to track my nutrition down to the last peanut, drink my water and choose fruits and veggies. There are no more special events or festivals on my horizon this summer. Only one day events or special dinners. I'm not going to beat myself up over this or feel bad because the pockets on my shorts are gaping. I'm pressing on with the big picture.

Our friend Nick left this morning so I dont' have to worry about feeding him. There is lots of fruit and veggies in the fridge for me to eat up. Life is good and we are fortunate. Not too many tar balls in the sea as yet. I have coming appmts and clients to see. My granddaughter is staying with me Thursday and Friday this week. What a joy.

Learn to be calm and you will always be happy! I'll have to remember that! Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARRYB1 6/8/2010 10:03AM

    That darn scale! It throughs in a zinger every once in a while to make you doubt yourself. That's why I have made it a rule not to weigh every day. The excess fluid from the varied foods we eat day to day cause the scale to go up and down.
I know by my actions and the fit of my clothes that I am progressing. emoticon

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KASEYCOFF 6/7/2010 9:28AM

    Hope you had a good visit with your houseguest. Sufry is right: one day at a time is the only way to go. Just for today, track your nutrition and fitness, and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. :-)

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LUSHON 6/7/2010 9:17AM

    Good luck with the rest of your summer. May it be calm. :)

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SUFRY3 6/7/2010 9:06AM

    One day at a time is the best way to live. Being in the present and letting the past go is the only way I have found to keep on track. I am constantly saying to myself "loose the guilt, it doesn't help".

It's always a good idea to remind ourselves to be happy, so thank for the reminder today.

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Permitters vs. Restricters/ala Roth. DAY 162

Sunday, June 06, 2010

YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!

I've been reading GeneenRoth's new book, WOMEN, FOOD AND GOD and I have determined that I am a Permitter. A Restricter is one who follows the rules to a T and a Permitter is one who enjoys breaking the rules. Restricter's are in control and Permitters are convinced that if they could just stick to a food plan, they would lose weight.
I am definitely a Permitter. I permit myself to eat ice cream out of the box when it is there. This festival weekend, I permitted myself to eat greasy french fries that weren't even that good just because I was at a festival and I could. I think I' ve given up all reason when dealing with food. I am still a slave to food, Geneen says that Permitters use food to leave their bodies. Huh? I had to read that part several times to get it. When we eat food because it is there and we are afraid we won't get to eat again anytime soon, we leave our bodies and lose contact with the way we are feeling. She says that Permitters need to start recognizing the signals that our bodies are sending us, fullness and hunger.
This sounds like a full time job to me. Always being aware of what our bodies are trying to tell us. I wish I still had her first book when she talks about how she lost weight because she ate when she was hungry and stopped when she became full. I want to learn that, although I think I am doing that now. Last night, we still have our house guest and so I cooked whole wheat spaghetti with meatballs and sauce and a salad. I ate the salad and half of the spaghetti on my plate. In the past I would have finished the plate and also had garlic bread with it. I took Nick to lunch at a Thai restaurant. I had Pad Thai and left half on the plate. So I know when to stop eating now. And it is okay to waste it.

I still have a compulsion about eating I guess. I've known Nick for 35 years, when I used to be skinny. I frankly asked him how he thought I looked. I wanted his opinion. He said that I was too heavy and that my health would be better if I lost weight. It didn't hurt my feelings because that is what I expected him to say. In order to lose weight I have to become a Restrictor in a sense. I have to restrict myself to an eating plan or certain kinds of foods or something. This is driving me crazy, analyzing this.

Oh, nuts, I am going to throw all of this theory out the window and go back to eating 3 to 5 veggies a day and tracking my food. When I believe I have over eaten, I don't track. I deserve a smack for not tracking. Everything I eat should go down in that tracker. I am starting over again tomorrow as it seems I do every Monday morning. And walk the dog. Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHERYNP 6/6/2010 4:07PM

    I agree with the last post. Becoming mindful and aware of everything is the key to everything. It is so easy to let emotions get in the way and eat everything in site. When I stop, breathe, and learn to recognize what I am doing, it makes a difference. Making it a habit is the challenge.

emoticon

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JUST_TRI_IT 6/6/2010 11:37AM

    Kasey's words are wise :) Sounds to me like you have already begun to embrace them :)

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KASEYCOFF 6/6/2010 10:08AM

    Two words to put at the top of your vocabulary: 'mindfulness' and 'awareness.' If you can become more mindful of everything you do as you do it (not just eating, but LIVING) and more aware of exactly what you do, you will achieve any goals you set for yourself. Guaranteed! :-)

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PUSHING THROUGH THE OBSTACLES! DAY 161

Saturday, June 05, 2010

YOU CAN 'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!

When I was a little girl I was very shy! But I had a big sister who was 16 months older than me. We went everywhere together and she protected me. Then in seventh grade we moved to a new school. She was pretty, thin and instantly popular. I was fat, big and had pimples and no one liked me. I was shy and tonguetied and big sister pretty much went off on her own to hang out with her new friends. She didn't need me hanging around. Thus at 12 yrs old and 152 lbs, the heaviest girl in the class, I became more shy and tonguetied and super sensitive. I wasn't fat at all, in fact if I could weigh 152 now I would be really really thin. But when you are 12 and already had your TOM and the other girls hadn't even reached puberty yet and you were new in school, oh, heaven. I was so unhappy. When I was going into the 11th grade, my parents moved again to a bigger and better school. By then my sister had graduated and gone onto college. I weighed 130 lbs and I was pretty and became popular with new friends. I even won the title of Miss Seaford! Amazing! I enjoyed those 2 years in high school but when I went off to college, the doubts and the fears and the shyness came back.
The next few years in college I managed to be up most of the time and I succeeded and graduated and eventually joined the Air Force. Boy, I was really popular in Officer Training School. Nice and thin and healthy marching all over the place. And one of the more attractive girls. I put a lot into that idea of being attractive. I guess maybe I felt it was the only attribute I had. I was smart too.
After I was commissioned my first base was Tyndall AFB, in Panama City. I was still very shy and had learned the technique of forcing myself to do things I was uncomfortable with. New to the base, I wanted to meet people and fit in so I forced myself to go alone to the Officer's Club on Friday night happy hour and sit at the bar, by myself. I wasn't by myself too long, the attractive second lieutenant soon met her husband at that bar and the rest is history.

Well, I managed to stay thin and be popular and have friends etc. etc. for many years even though I had bouts of shyness and insecurity that plagued me. I would push through with the help of my husband or friend, etc. At the age of 36 I bought my decorating business. It never occurred to me that I would fail, even though my father told me I couldn't sell anything. I worked through that and became one of the top selling franchise owners and award winning decorators in the company. I was tough on myself. I always needed that rush of adrenalin that came with a good sale or a satisfied client. At the beginning of each month, I became adjutated knowing that I had to perform once again, to be the best in sales at the end of the month. Then it would start over again. Up and down for many years. I would read self-help books all the time. Trying to connect with a fault I might have and finding a solution to fix that fault or better myself.

I became very good at it, covering for myself. Then in 1995, it all came crashing down when I spiraled down into the depths of depression. But that's another story as to how that all came about. I started the rounds of doctors and psychiatrists, this med and that med, always fighting the idea that I couldn't fix it myself. I remember being in a fog but knowing that I had to see a client and make a sale as I was the main breadwinner in the family, I would force myself to see that client and go through the motions of design and get the check and move on. In spite of this, in 1993 , 1994, 1995, my little company in my little town was the top Franchise in Retail Sales in our whole company.

But my personal life was in the pot. I would lie on the couch all weekend. I retreated and I would cry a lot. My family didn't know how to relate or help me. I knew that I only had enough energy to devote to the business and to my clients. I had no choice but to keep going in that arena so everything else was a mess. I slowly climbed out of that phase through the help of a wonderful psychiatrist who found the right cocktail of medications for me and I was able to get on with my life and be happy enough. I realized in later years that the initial depression was probably a result of being called to active duty in support of Operation Desert Storm. Although I was proud to serve, that was a very traumatic time for me as I was assigned to Mortuary Affairs and I had to handle the funeral arrangements for deceased airman, helping the familes through their grief. Again, as always, I put that job and effort first, pushing away any and all sad feelings I might have had myself. And That is also another story.

Where am I going with all of this? I was inspired to write this blog after reading one from a friend who had been struggling and failing this last month. I still struggle. Most days I am great, feeling good, relatively happy, able to function, enjoy seeing my clients, being in charge of the appointment, etc. etc. The definition of happiness for me is not being sad. In itself, that statement is sad. I'm only happy when I'm not sad meaning I can identify being sad quite a lot and I'm thrilled when my meds kick in to keep me happy.

What has helped me? Talking about it for one. I'm not afraid to share my inner most feelings with people when the occasion arises. I've shared my depression with my clients. It didn't make them not like me, in fact most of them have similar stories. I only discuss it when the time is appropriate or something happens that kind of needs an explanation. I'm not my usual in charge self.

My faith in God is the one thing I hang onto when I need help. I've had 2 occasions in mylife when I suddenly knew there was a God and I understood. I also know that when I am in the throws of depression and anxiety, the best thing I can do is get out the bible and read some of it. My favorite verse is Philippians 4:v6. "Do not worry about anything, but in prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God." I will usually agonize and worry briefly over something and then I will give the problem to God and ask him to handle it for me. I'll go to sleep and the next morning I'll be refreshed and not worried. The problem might still be there, but I know I don't have to handle it anymore.
I am not saying this to convert people to salvation. I'm sharing it because this has helped me with my situation. if you can find some sort of system where you can relieve yourself of the burden, it will be very helpful.

I don't read many self-help books anymore. I think I have most of the answers I need on how to handle things. But even so, the beast of depression falls on me occasionally and I have to deal with it and fight back. During those times of stress, any sort of diet goes to pot. I seem to be contented in the body I have. I would like it to be thinner and healthier but I'm doing as much as I can with the energy I have to expend. For whatever situation you are in, there is help. You just have to have an open mind and be willing to accept the help when offered. We are not as strong as we think we are. No man or woman is an island.

Have a nice day!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARRYB1 6/8/2010 9:51AM

    Thanks so much for the great read.
You have quite a story to tell and do it very well.

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4DOGNIGHT 6/5/2010 3:23PM

    I didn't know what i was going to write about today. But when I sat down, it just came rolling out. Guess i needed to share it.

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SHAPNUP 6/5/2010 3:06PM

    Thanks for being so open and sharing so much of yourself with us. I know I get to feeling all alone and special when things aren't good in my life. That's when I isolate - don't want anyone to see me or catch what I have. We do need to step up and do the best we can.

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JENNY888 6/5/2010 12:56PM

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. I feel I know you much better than I did before I read it. You are very strong and others will benefit from your story.

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KASEYCOFF 6/5/2010 11:46AM

    Really brave, hon, to write this and share it with the rest of us. I have every confidence that your experiences will speak to people, and quite a few will be helped by your inspiring story. Thanx, Carol, and I'm so proud to know you. emoticon

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MARSHASTAR 6/5/2010 11:19AM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm very moved by your revelations.
You are brave and strong. We never see ourselves the way others do, but I think you ARE strong. Perhaps I could use some anti-depressant meds, but am not brave enough to go there, yet.

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