Saturday, June 05, 2010
YOU CAN 'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!
When I was a little girl I was very shy! But I had a big sister who was 16 months older than me. We went everywhere together and she protected me. Then in seventh grade we moved to a new school. She was pretty, thin and instantly popular. I was fat, big and had pimples and no one liked me. I was shy and tonguetied and big sister pretty much went off on her own to hang out with her new friends. She didn't need me hanging around. Thus at 12 yrs old and 152 lbs, the heaviest girl in the class, I became more shy and tonguetied and super sensitive. I wasn't fat at all, in fact if I could weigh 152 now I would be really really thin. But when you are 12 and already had your TOM and the other girls hadn't even reached puberty yet and you were new in school, oh, heaven. I was so unhappy. When I was going into the 11th grade, my parents moved again to a bigger and better school. By then my sister had graduated and gone onto college. I weighed 130 lbs and I was pretty and became popular with new friends. I even won the title of Miss Seaford! Amazing! I enjoyed those 2 years in high school but when I went off to college, the doubts and the fears and the shyness came back.
The next few years in college I managed to be up most of the time and I succeeded and graduated and eventually joined the Air Force. Boy, I was really popular in Officer Training School. Nice and thin and healthy marching all over the place. And one of the more attractive girls. I put a lot into that idea of being attractive. I guess maybe I felt it was the only attribute I had. I was smart too.
After I was commissioned my first base was Tyndall AFB, in Panama City. I was still very shy and had learned the technique of forcing myself to do things I was uncomfortable with. New to the base, I wanted to meet people and fit in so I forced myself to go alone to the Officer's Club on Friday night happy hour and sit at the bar, by myself. I wasn't by myself too long, the attractive second lieutenant soon met her husband at that bar and the rest is history.
Well, I managed to stay thin and be popular and have friends etc. etc. for many years even though I had bouts of shyness and insecurity that plagued me. I would push through with the help of my husband or friend, etc. At the age of 36 I bought my decorating business. It never occurred to me that I would fail, even though my father told me I couldn't sell anything. I worked through that and became one of the top selling franchise owners and award winning decorators in the company. I was tough on myself. I always needed that rush of adrenalin that came with a good sale or a satisfied client. At the beginning of each month, I became adjutated knowing that I had to perform once again, to be the best in sales at the end of the month. Then it would start over again. Up and down for many years. I would read self-help books all the time. Trying to connect with a fault I might have and finding a solution to fix that fault or better myself.
I became very good at it, covering for myself. Then in 1995, it all came crashing down when I spiraled down into the depths of depression. But that's another story as to how that all came about. I started the rounds of doctors and psychiatrists, this med and that med, always fighting the idea that I couldn't fix it myself. I remember being in a fog but knowing that I had to see a client and make a sale as I was the main breadwinner in the family, I would force myself to see that client and go through the motions of design and get the check and move on. In spite of this, in 1993 , 1994, 1995, my little company in my little town was the top Franchise in Retail Sales in our whole company.
But my personal life was in the pot. I would lie on the couch all weekend. I retreated and I would cry a lot. My family didn't know how to relate or help me. I knew that I only had enough energy to devote to the business and to my clients. I had no choice but to keep going in that arena so everything else was a mess. I slowly climbed out of that phase through the help of a wonderful psychiatrist who found the right cocktail of medications for me and I was able to get on with my life and be happy enough. I realized in later years that the initial depression was probably a result of being called to active duty in support of Operation Desert Storm. Although I was proud to serve, that was a very traumatic time for me as I was assigned to Mortuary Affairs and I had to handle the funeral arrangements for deceased airman, helping the familes through their grief. Again, as always, I put that job and effort first, pushing away any and all sad feelings I might have had myself. And That is also another story.
Where am I going with all of this? I was inspired to write this blog after reading one from a friend who had been struggling and failing this last month. I still struggle. Most days I am great, feeling good, relatively happy, able to function, enjoy seeing my clients, being in charge of the appointment, etc. etc. The definition of happiness for me is not being sad. In itself, that statement is sad. I'm only happy when I'm not sad meaning I can identify being sad quite a lot and I'm thrilled when my meds kick in to keep me happy.
What has helped me? Talking about it for one. I'm not afraid to share my inner most feelings with people when the occasion arises. I've shared my depression with my clients. It didn't make them not like me, in fact most of them have similar stories. I only discuss it when the time is appropriate or something happens that kind of needs an explanation. I'm not my usual in charge self.
My faith in God is the one thing I hang onto when I need help. I've had 2 occasions in mylife when I suddenly knew there was a God and I understood. I also know that when I am in the throws of depression and anxiety, the best thing I can do is get out the bible and read some of it. My favorite verse is Philippians 4:v6. "Do not worry about anything, but in prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God." I will usually agonize and worry briefly over something and then I will give the problem to God and ask him to handle it for me. I'll go to sleep and the next morning I'll be refreshed and not worried. The problem might still be there, but I know I don't have to handle it anymore.
I am not saying this to convert people to salvation. I'm sharing it because this has helped me with my situation. if you can find some sort of system where you can relieve yourself of the burden, it will be very helpful.
I don't read many self-help books anymore. I think I have most of the answers I need on how to handle things. But even so, the beast of depression falls on me occasionally and I have to deal with it and fight back. During those times of stress, any sort of diet goes to pot. I seem to be contented in the body I have. I would like it to be thinner and healthier but I'm doing as much as I can with the energy I have to expend. For whatever situation you are in, there is help. You just have to have an open mind and be willing to accept the help when offered. We are not as strong as we think we are. No man or woman is an island.
Have a nice day!
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!
My friend Pat arranged a walking date for us this morning at 6:00. I got up at 5:45, got dressed and the phone rang. No date. Her 87 year old mother is having health issues and she can't go. Just as well because it started raining and thundering a few minutes later and we would have been caught in it. It didn't last long so I trotted out with Panda who did her thing and instantly turned back. She hates stormy weather so not much this morning. Will plan to walk later I hope. Yesterday we took my mother-in-law to the doctor and she was not doing well. She has conjestive heart failure and was retaining fluid in her lungs, couldn't breathe, couldn't walk far. She'll be 91 on Sunday. She's been doing well this year so I hate to see her like this.
I finally give in and answer the stolen blog questions!
Where would I go in the world? England
Dream Job? I have a dream job as a decorator however I would like it to be without stress and picky clients.
What you want people to say about you when you're gone?
She was such a nice person and will be greatly missed.
Do you like yourself? Yes, most of the time except when I'm in a depressed state.
Do you sing when you're by yourself? Of course, don't you?
Topic for a speech? How I succeeded in the business world in spite of myself. Or Secrets of Desert Storm.
Do you think people like you? Yes and No. Those who know me, yes. Those who assume I am stuck up because I am so quiet, no.
What sport do you wish you could participat in? Swimming
Do you look back or ahead? I am a forward thinker but I use past experiences to better myself.
Someday, I'd like to... travel, travel, travel.
What is your favorite thing to dream about? Love.
Do you spend more time being happy or sad? I work hard to stay positive and I take meds to keep it that way. I fully rely on God to help me.
Are you an introvert or extrovert. I can curly up with a good book at home or watch old movies by myself. But I will go out and party but I usually stay to myself so I am an introvert.
What is your pet peeve? Negative people or people who say, You Can't do that!
What makes you smile? Grandchildren.
IF you could be any animal, which one? A dog, they are so loyal.
3 things to do before I die. Spend as much time with my grandchildren so they will remember me as someone special. Go back to Thailand where we were married in Bangkok. But only if it is safe. Go for it, whatever it is.
What movie star would you love to look like? I'm happy with my own looks.
Biggest weakness? ice cream
Favorite color? It depends, at the moment is it aqua but I've always liked red too.
What obstacle would you like to overcome? Procreastination.
Do you drive fast or slow? I try to keep the speed limit at all times.
Rule keeper or breaker? Rule Breaker of course. I'm always looking for a better way.
What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Pretty face. I look younger than my years. Wish I didn't have acne scars.
When is the last time you cried? December when my mother-in-law was so sick and we thought she wouldn't make it for long. She's still kicking at 91 on Sunday.
When is the last time you laughed? It's sad but I don't laugh much although I'm happy.
Are you weak or strong? I'm a very strong person to keep going the way I do and battling depression all the time.
Are you serious or carefree? Serious but I'd love to be more carefree. When I grow up I guess.
What is the one thing you can't live without? Family.
What move do you never get tired of seeing? Wizard of Oz, Sound of music and love stories.
What book have you read more than 3 times? The bible.
What kind of car would you have? An SUV. Hubby as a T-bird, white with red leather seats and we ride with the top down. It's heaven.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF WITHOUT CHANGING YOURSELF!
Dear June, I feel great and I'm looking forward to the summer! Yesterday, after that 3 mile walk in the heat with 90 degree humidity I was really washed out. I ached all over and had no energy to do much of anything. I laid around all day and slept, didn't track calories and didn't worry about it as I felt my body needed to recover. We have to know our bodies and I said to my husband that I probably could have finished that 4.5 mile walk yesterday but after 3 miles, my body was saying NO NO! You're going to feel bad anyway, why make it worse!! I did well at my age!
I joined a new team, the one day challenge. Everyday our leader puts a new challenge for the day which I enjoy reading. Yesterday was setting a fitness minute goal. Others were going for 1000 min, 2500 min. Whew that's a lot. I set a goal for 600 min for the month which is twice what I set at the beginning of the year. If you just get me to move off the couch, that is something. 600 min a month is 150 min a week divided by a 30 min walk equates to taking the dog for a walk for 30 min 5 times a week. I can do that but I will have to get up really early or wait until dark as she gets hot and so do I. Panda is the same age as me in dog years.
This is a festival week for us here in Fort Walton Beach! IT's Billie Bowlegs Pirate festival! Billie Bowlegs was a legendary pirate who plundered our coast years ago and now every year, he comes with his krewe of thugs and wenches to take over our city! Friday night he arrives by ship and threatens the mayor and there is lots of food and drink and fireworks!!! It's a lot of fun. I usually volunteer in the beer booth and boy do they sell beer! Our friend Nick arrives tonight for a five day visit and I'm looking forward to the fun!
Adding this! New goals for June!
600 fitness minutes a month or more!
Eat 3 to 5 fruits and veg a day and track!
Cook at home 5 out of 7 nights a week!
We eat out a lot, and I mean a lot! So, I am going to make an effort to eat most of my fruits and veggies at breakfast and lunch to get them in. When I eat out, I try to choose meals with more veggies and less starches like rice or potatoes. I love ice cream and since I don't want to give it up, I vow to limit my serving to 1/2 cup and serve with fresh sliced strawberries. Yum!
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