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Permitters vs. Restricters/ala Roth. DAY 162

Sunday, June 06, 2010


I've been reading GeneenRoth's new book, WOMEN, FOOD AND GOD and I have determined that I am a Permitter. A Restricter is one who follows the rules to a T and a Permitter is one who enjoys breaking the rules. Restricter's are in control and Permitters are convinced that if they could just stick to a food plan, they would lose weight.
I am definitely a Permitter. I permit myself to eat ice cream out of the box when it is there. This festival weekend, I permitted myself to eat greasy french fries that weren't even that good just because I was at a festival and I could. I think I' ve given up all reason when dealing with food. I am still a slave to food, Geneen says that Permitters use food to leave their bodies. Huh? I had to read that part several times to get it. When we eat food because it is there and we are afraid we won't get to eat again anytime soon, we leave our bodies and lose contact with the way we are feeling. She says that Permitters need to start recognizing the signals that our bodies are sending us, fullness and hunger.
This sounds like a full time job to me. Always being aware of what our bodies are trying to tell us. I wish I still had her first book when she talks about how she lost weight because she ate when she was hungry and stopped when she became full. I want to learn that, although I think I am doing that now. Last night, we still have our house guest and so I cooked whole wheat spaghetti with meatballs and sauce and a salad. I ate the salad and half of the spaghetti on my plate. In the past I would have finished the plate and also had garlic bread with it. I took Nick to lunch at a Thai restaurant. I had Pad Thai and left half on the plate. So I know when to stop eating now. And it is okay to waste it.

I still have a compulsion about eating I guess. I've known Nick for 35 years, when I used to be skinny. I frankly asked him how he thought I looked. I wanted his opinion. He said that I was too heavy and that my health would be better if I lost weight. It didn't hurt my feelings because that is what I expected him to say. In order to lose weight I have to become a Restrictor in a sense. I have to restrict myself to an eating plan or certain kinds of foods or something. This is driving me crazy, analyzing this.

Oh, nuts, I am going to throw all of this theory out the window and go back to eating 3 to 5 veggies a day and tracking my food. When I believe I have over eaten, I don't track. I deserve a smack for not tracking. Everything I eat should go down in that tracker. I am starting over again tomorrow as it seems I do every Monday morning. And walk the dog. Later.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHERYNP 6/6/2010 4:07PM

    I agree with the last post. Becoming mindful and aware of everything is the key to everything. It is so easy to let emotions get in the way and eat everything in site. When I stop, breathe, and learn to recognize what I am doing, it makes a difference. Making it a habit is the challenge.


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JUST_TRI_IT 6/6/2010 11:37AM

    Kasey's words are wise :) Sounds to me like you have already begun to embrace them :)

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KASEYCOFF 6/6/2010 10:08AM

    Two words to put at the top of your vocabulary: 'mindfulness' and 'awareness.' If you can become more mindful of everything you do as you do it (not just eating, but LIVING) and more aware of exactly what you do, you will achieve any goals you set for yourself. Guaranteed! :-)

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Saturday, June 05, 2010


When I was a little girl I was very shy! But I had a big sister who was 16 months older than me. We went everywhere together and she protected me. Then in seventh grade we moved to a new school. She was pretty, thin and instantly popular. I was fat, big and had pimples and no one liked me. I was shy and tonguetied and big sister pretty much went off on her own to hang out with her new friends. She didn't need me hanging around. Thus at 12 yrs old and 152 lbs, the heaviest girl in the class, I became more shy and tonguetied and super sensitive. I wasn't fat at all, in fact if I could weigh 152 now I would be really really thin. But when you are 12 and already had your TOM and the other girls hadn't even reached puberty yet and you were new in school, oh, heaven. I was so unhappy. When I was going into the 11th grade, my parents moved again to a bigger and better school. By then my sister had graduated and gone onto college. I weighed 130 lbs and I was pretty and became popular with new friends. I even won the title of Miss Seaford! Amazing! I enjoyed those 2 years in high school but when I went off to college, the doubts and the fears and the shyness came back.
The next few years in college I managed to be up most of the time and I succeeded and graduated and eventually joined the Air Force. Boy, I was really popular in Officer Training School. Nice and thin and healthy marching all over the place. And one of the more attractive girls. I put a lot into that idea of being attractive. I guess maybe I felt it was the only attribute I had. I was smart too.
After I was commissioned my first base was Tyndall AFB, in Panama City. I was still very shy and had learned the technique of forcing myself to do things I was uncomfortable with. New to the base, I wanted to meet people and fit in so I forced myself to go alone to the Officer's Club on Friday night happy hour and sit at the bar, by myself. I wasn't by myself too long, the attractive second lieutenant soon met her husband at that bar and the rest is history.

Well, I managed to stay thin and be popular and have friends etc. etc. for many years even though I had bouts of shyness and insecurity that plagued me. I would push through with the help of my husband or friend, etc. At the age of 36 I bought my decorating business. It never occurred to me that I would fail, even though my father told me I couldn't sell anything. I worked through that and became one of the top selling franchise owners and award winning decorators in the company. I was tough on myself. I always needed that rush of adrenalin that came with a good sale or a satisfied client. At the beginning of each month, I became adjutated knowing that I had to perform once again, to be the best in sales at the end of the month. Then it would start over again. Up and down for many years. I would read self-help books all the time. Trying to connect with a fault I might have and finding a solution to fix that fault or better myself.

I became very good at it, covering for myself. Then in 1995, it all came crashing down when I spiraled down into the depths of depression. But that's another story as to how that all came about. I started the rounds of doctors and psychiatrists, this med and that med, always fighting the idea that I couldn't fix it myself. I remember being in a fog but knowing that I had to see a client and make a sale as I was the main breadwinner in the family, I would force myself to see that client and go through the motions of design and get the check and move on. In spite of this, in 1993 , 1994, 1995, my little company in my little town was the top Franchise in Retail Sales in our whole company.

But my personal life was in the pot. I would lie on the couch all weekend. I retreated and I would cry a lot. My family didn't know how to relate or help me. I knew that I only had enough energy to devote to the business and to my clients. I had no choice but to keep going in that arena so everything else was a mess. I slowly climbed out of that phase through the help of a wonderful psychiatrist who found the right cocktail of medications for me and I was able to get on with my life and be happy enough. I realized in later years that the initial depression was probably a result of being called to active duty in support of Operation Desert Storm. Although I was proud to serve, that was a very traumatic time for me as I was assigned to Mortuary Affairs and I had to handle the funeral arrangements for deceased airman, helping the familes through their grief. Again, as always, I put that job and effort first, pushing away any and all sad feelings I might have had myself. And That is also another story.

Where am I going with all of this? I was inspired to write this blog after reading one from a friend who had been struggling and failing this last month. I still struggle. Most days I am great, feeling good, relatively happy, able to function, enjoy seeing my clients, being in charge of the appointment, etc. etc. The definition of happiness for me is not being sad. In itself, that statement is sad. I'm only happy when I'm not sad meaning I can identify being sad quite a lot and I'm thrilled when my meds kick in to keep me happy.

What has helped me? Talking about it for one. I'm not afraid to share my inner most feelings with people when the occasion arises. I've shared my depression with my clients. It didn't make them not like me, in fact most of them have similar stories. I only discuss it when the time is appropriate or something happens that kind of needs an explanation. I'm not my usual in charge self.

My faith in God is the one thing I hang onto when I need help. I've had 2 occasions in mylife when I suddenly knew there was a God and I understood. I also know that when I am in the throws of depression and anxiety, the best thing I can do is get out the bible and read some of it. My favorite verse is Philippians 4:v6. "Do not worry about anything, but in prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God." I will usually agonize and worry briefly over something and then I will give the problem to God and ask him to handle it for me. I'll go to sleep and the next morning I'll be refreshed and not worried. The problem might still be there, but I know I don't have to handle it anymore.
I am not saying this to convert people to salvation. I'm sharing it because this has helped me with my situation. if you can find some sort of system where you can relieve yourself of the burden, it will be very helpful.

I don't read many self-help books anymore. I think I have most of the answers I need on how to handle things. But even so, the beast of depression falls on me occasionally and I have to deal with it and fight back. During those times of stress, any sort of diet goes to pot. I seem to be contented in the body I have. I would like it to be thinner and healthier but I'm doing as much as I can with the energy I have to expend. For whatever situation you are in, there is help. You just have to have an open mind and be willing to accept the help when offered. We are not as strong as we think we are. No man or woman is an island.

Have a nice day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARRYB1 6/8/2010 9:51AM

    Thanks so much for the great read.
You have quite a story to tell and do it very well.

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4DOGNIGHT 6/5/2010 3:23PM

    I didn't know what i was going to write about today. But when I sat down, it just came rolling out. Guess i needed to share it.

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SHAPNUP 6/5/2010 3:06PM

    Thanks for being so open and sharing so much of yourself with us. I know I get to feeling all alone and special when things aren't good in my life. That's when I isolate - don't want anyone to see me or catch what I have. We do need to step up and do the best we can.

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JENNY888 6/5/2010 12:56PM

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. I feel I know you much better than I did before I read it. You are very strong and others will benefit from your story.

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KASEYCOFF 6/5/2010 11:46AM

    Really brave, hon, to write this and share it with the rest of us. I have every confidence that your experiences will speak to people, and quite a few will be helped by your inspiring story. Thanx, Carol, and I'm so proud to know you. emoticon

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MARSHASTAR 6/5/2010 11:19AM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm very moved by your revelations.
You are brave and strong. We never see ourselves the way others do, but I think you ARE strong. Perhaps I could use some anti-depressant meds, but am not brave enough to go there, yet.

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Friday, June 04, 2010


I'm having a confident day! I'm confident I look and feel great in shorts and I wear them on my job. Since I live here in Florida and it is hot, everyone is casual so why show up to someone's home in a fancy skirt. I do sometimes but I have some nice Bermuda Shorts and I wear them with nice tops and jewelry to go to client's homes. And why not, they are wearing the same! I'm confident that even though the scale does not agree with me, that I've lost fat and I'm healthy and strong. I have to be strong to carry around a 25 lb bag of woven wood samples. What was Hunter Douglas thinking? I need to put wheels on it.

Yesterday, I got a phone call form a prior client with a desperate plea in her voice. I was at another client's home and had to call her back but I couldn't imagine what on earth had happened! When I did call, I found out that her painter was arriving tomorrow and she was so distraught over picking paint colors for home that she needed me! I went over and she had globs of paint all over the place looking at them. I spent an hour with her and she gave me a hug when I left, she was so happy. That is what makes my job worthwhile. If only I could remember those moments when I'm having a bad day.

I just feel good today. I'll start out with the Chamber Coffee and see 200 friends and colleagues. Billie Bowlegs, the pirate will come in with his wenches and Krewe and throw beads around. I'll try to take some pics. The festival starts tonight and I'll be selling beer nonstop. I'll try to take some pics. Cameras and me dont' get along sometimes. Trying to post them on the internet seems such a chore but I'm confident I'll give it a go.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHERYNP 6/5/2010 2:29PM

    Thanks for alerting me to your great blog today and thank you for reading mine. I love the lesson I learned from reading yours, and that is, that it is a real "high" when we are of service to others. You were able to use your wonderful talent to help a client in distress choose the right paint color. In fact you were needed in two places at once. Don't you find that it is much easier to follow your healthy eating plan when you are happy inside? Thanks for this great blog!! Well written.

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MZLADY77 6/4/2010 9:10AM

    Great blog! Very encouraging! keep it up! emoticon

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RITAROSE 6/4/2010 8:42AM

  There's nothing like the encouragement you described from a client! I like Kasey's idea of a collage for those times you need a shot in the arm. I continue to admire your special gifts in decorating and am looking forward to seeing more pics of the rooms you've decorated! Have a super day!

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KASEYCOFF 6/4/2010 7:39AM

    Here's an idea: what if you make a 'confidence collage' or 'confidence journal' for yourself? Not to take on some kind of major project or turn it into a chore, but every time you get a heartfelt 'Thank you' from someone, or a hug because you've helped them, or whatever - you can find a picture or make a word-headline (collage) or record it in a special notebook (journal). Then, if you're going thru a rough patch or are feeling down, all you have to do is look at the collage or journal to remember those people and circumstances where you did well, where someone appreciated what you did, and when you had a very positive experience. :-)

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STUFF and the Stolen Blog! Day 158

Wednesday, June 02, 2010


My friend Pat arranged a walking date for us this morning at 6:00. I got up at 5:45, got dressed and the phone rang. No date. Her 87 year old mother is having health issues and she can't go. Just as well because it started raining and thundering a few minutes later and we would have been caught in it. It didn't last long so I trotted out with Panda who did her thing and instantly turned back. She hates stormy weather so not much this morning. Will plan to walk later I hope. Yesterday we took my mother-in-law to the doctor and she was not doing well. She has conjestive heart failure and was retaining fluid in her lungs, couldn't breathe, couldn't walk far. She'll be 91 on Sunday. She's been doing well this year so I hate to see her like this.

I finally give in and answer the stolen blog questions!

Where would I go in the world? England

Dream Job? I have a dream job as a decorator however I would like it to be without stress and picky clients.

What you want people to say about you when you're gone?
She was such a nice person and will be greatly missed.

Do you like yourself? Yes, most of the time except when I'm in a depressed state.

Do you sing when you're by yourself? Of course, don't you?

Topic for a speech? How I succeeded in the business world in spite of myself. Or Secrets of Desert Storm.

Do you think people like you? Yes and No. Those who know me, yes. Those who assume I am stuck up because I am so quiet, no.

What sport do you wish you could participat in? Swimming

Do you look back or ahead? I am a forward thinker but I use past experiences to better myself.

Someday, I'd like to... travel, travel, travel.

What is your favorite thing to dream about? Love.

Do you spend more time being happy or sad? I work hard to stay positive and I take meds to keep it that way. I fully rely on God to help me.

Are you an introvert or extrovert. I can curly up with a good book at home or watch old movies by myself. But I will go out and party but I usually stay to myself so I am an introvert.

What is your pet peeve? Negative people or people who say, You Can't do that!

What makes you smile? Grandchildren.

IF you could be any animal, which one? A dog, they are so loyal.

3 things to do before I die. Spend as much time with my grandchildren so they will remember me as someone special. Go back to Thailand where we were married in Bangkok. But only if it is safe. Go for it, whatever it is.

What movie star would you love to look like? I'm happy with my own looks.

Biggest weakness? ice cream

Favorite color? It depends, at the moment is it aqua but I've always liked red too.

What obstacle would you like to overcome? Procreastination.

Do you drive fast or slow? I try to keep the speed limit at all times.

Rule keeper or breaker? Rule Breaker of course. I'm always looking for a better way.

What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Pretty face. I look younger than my years. Wish I didn't have acne scars.

When is the last time you cried? December when my mother-in-law was so sick and we thought she wouldn't make it for long. She's still kicking at 91 on Sunday.

When is the last time you laughed? It's sad but I don't laugh much although I'm happy.

Are you weak or strong? I'm a very strong person to keep going the way I do and battling depression all the time.

Are you serious or carefree? Serious but I'd love to be more carefree. When I grow up I guess.

What is the one thing you can't live without? Family.

What move do you never get tired of seeing? Wizard of Oz, Sound of music and love stories.

What book have you read more than 3 times? The bible.

What kind of car would you have? An SUV. Hubby as a T-bird, white with red leather seats and we ride with the top down. It's heaven.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNVIL 6/3/2010 10:32PM

    very nice blog. I enjoyed it.

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KASEYCOFF 6/2/2010 9:18AM

    It is kind of fortunate about the cancelled walk - at least you weren't out in a thunderstorm! Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Does she live with you? p.s. Attagirl - love learning more about you and your life! :-)

Comment edited on: 6/2/2010 9:28:27 AM

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Tuesday, June 01, 2010


Dear June, I feel great and I'm looking forward to the summer! Yesterday, after that 3 mile walk in the heat with 90 degree humidity I was really washed out. I ached all over and had no energy to do much of anything. I laid around all day and slept, didn't track calories and didn't worry about it as I felt my body needed to recover. We have to know our bodies and I said to my husband that I probably could have finished that 4.5 mile walk yesterday but after 3 miles, my body was saying NO NO! You're going to feel bad anyway, why make it worse!! I did well at my age!

I joined a new team, the one day challenge. Everyday our leader puts a new challenge for the day which I enjoy reading. Yesterday was setting a fitness minute goal. Others were going for 1000 min, 2500 min. Whew that's a lot. I set a goal for 600 min for the month which is twice what I set at the beginning of the year. If you just get me to move off the couch, that is something. 600 min a month is 150 min a week divided by a 30 min walk equates to taking the dog for a walk for 30 min 5 times a week. I can do that but I will have to get up really early or wait until dark as she gets hot and so do I. Panda is the same age as me in dog years.

This is a festival week for us here in Fort Walton Beach! IT's Billie Bowlegs Pirate festival! Billie Bowlegs was a legendary pirate who plundered our coast years ago and now every year, he comes with his krewe of thugs and wenches to take over our city! Friday night he arrives by ship and threatens the mayor and there is lots of food and drink and fireworks!!! It's a lot of fun. I usually volunteer in the beer booth and boy do they sell beer! Our friend Nick arrives tonight for a five day visit and I'm looking forward to the fun!
Until later.

Adding this! New goals for June!
600 fitness minutes a month or more!
Eat 3 to 5 fruits and veg a day and track!
Cook at home 5 out of 7 nights a week!

We eat out a lot, and I mean a lot! So, I am going to make an effort to eat most of my fruits and veggies at breakfast and lunch to get them in. When I eat out, I try to choose meals with more veggies and less starches like rice or potatoes. I love ice cream and since I don't want to give it up, I vow to limit my serving to 1/2 cup and serve with fresh sliced strawberries. Yum!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KASEYCOFF 6/2/2010 6:51AM

    Can't beat strawberries with just about anything! The pirate festival sounds like a lot of fun - can you take your camera along and see if you can get some pix while you're manning the booth? or just wandering around before / after?

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BUGGYS 6/1/2010 2:14PM

    You have made some great goals and I am sure you will achieve each and every one! emoticon

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ANDI571 6/1/2010 11:32AM

    Sounds like you are on the right track. Moderation is the key, and as SROUS1340 says, Progress not Perfection.... emoticon

The festival sounds like so much fun. Enjoy (in monderation that is, lol)

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MZLADY77 6/1/2010 11:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RITAROSE 6/1/2010 11:00AM

  Congrats on your goals and plans to make them happen! I really need to have monthly goals! Thanks for the reminder!

Have fun this week!

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SHAWWB 6/1/2010 10:05AM

    That sounds like some good goals for the month. Good luck in meeting them, I'm sure you will do it. Enjoy your Pirate Festival!

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