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VENTING ABOUT MIL

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Okay, its been a week and a half and things are going well. My husband thinks he helps and he does, but he doesn't understand the responsibility I have with this situation. I am going to start keeping a log of the activities we share with his mother and I'm sure I will come out on top with responsibility.
Here's the thing. I treasure my solitude. I revel in the fact that he will go off to a football game for the day with his buddies and leave me to sewing and napping. But now, I'm left with his mother. I love her, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to entertain her all day.
I treasure my mornings where I sit with coffee, read the paper, watch fox news and work the crossword. This morning, he is out with his job and she has talked non stop since we got up. I've had to drop everything, get her water, get her coffee, make her toast, get her pills, find her makeup for her, find a brush so she can put on her blush, talk about the constipation she has all this week and how it finely broke forth and she was up all night with it. Last night I had to help her with her bath. And he reminds me to do it. Today she has a doctor's appmt at his request. So he decides that we are both going to go. No, I am not going to go. It is your turn and your responsibility.
Here is the weekend schedule, the weekend that I look forward to. It started last night when he went off to the Yacht Club for games night and came home 3 hours later. I don't mind him doing that but now with her homes, I don't get to enjoy myself. Today he leaves at 2:00 to go to a football game in Troy, Al with friends from the club. I am left to get dinner for her. Also, tonight is quilt guild night and I was looking forward to going as I am the speaker and I reallly enjoy guild. So yesterday, he invites her along with me. I have to get there at 5:30 because I have the key to the building which is at our church, and the meeting doesn't start until 6:30. So I have to take her with me and she sits there for an hour in uncomfortable chairs and no one talking with her and I'll have to entertain her. Then if she has to get to the bathroom, I'll have to worry about that. So my evening out is not for me anymore.
Then tomorrow, he is gone all day with his job. I have appointments so will be gone as well but I'll have to make sure I am home at noon to get her some lunch. Then tomorrow evening, we usually go to the club and get dinner but now we will have to figure out what to do about MIL and her dinner. Then Saturday, he is off to the FSU game with a friend and normally, I would love this. I would quilt and sew all day, run around town and do whatever I wanted to do, listening to the game in the background. But now, I'm going to be responsible for his mother as well, getting her lunch and dinner and entertaining her as well.
Then Sunday is church and I'll have to help her get dressed and of course get a bath Saturday night so she will be clean. And then he will start pushing me to wash her hair for her. Okay, he just came home so now the responsibility for her is his until 2:00 when he leaves to go have fun. So he just comes home and says, aren't you going with me to the doctor? Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KASEYCOFF 10/21/2012 4:02AM

    I can understand that it won't work for him to give her a bath, but he could wash her hair for her...
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JIBBIE49 10/14/2012 8:45AM

    I worked as a nurse in a nursing home, so I certainly know that taking care of an elderly person like her is a 24/7 job. Yes, they want to talk and talk and talk and they are like little kids. At a nursing home, we had LOTS of activities and we kept them busy all day from 5 a.m. until 8 p.m. SO, I certainly feel for you.
Have you tried to get her a "visiting nurse" who comes in and gives her her bath, and takes care of her each morning for about three hours? Our neighbor had someone like that and she made her breakfast, etc. This woman then drove her to the Senior Center and then her son picked her up when he got off of work.

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TOWHEE 10/11/2012 8:07PM

    I just read this blog after reading your later blog, so I know the result of your afternoon.

Here are my thoughts:
First off you are doing a marvelous job with your MIL. You are certainly a saint for taking on the responsibility.
Second, have you contacted your city to find out if they have a senior center or senior services and what kind of activities they have. Many cities and towns have various services for seniors and even caregiver relief programs. You should investigate.
In the county we live in there's an adult day care program. I don't know anything about it, but it's worth looking into. It would be something for your MIL to do while you are making client calls. Who knows she might even want to go there on a regular basis.
Third, your DH has to realize that his mother is his responsibility, too. Yes, he works hard, but so do you. Yes, he wants to go out with the boys, but you need to go out with the girls. Both of you need to compromise a bit and at the moment it sounds like you are doing all of the compromising.

Good luck on getting this resolved. I'm glad that your rant resulted in him talking MIL to the doctor alone. It's a good first step. Follow the advice you would give a mother of an infant or small child.

Again, you are doing an amazing job. Keep it up and feel free to rant whenever you need to.

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JAMARIGOLD 10/11/2012 3:17PM

    Bless your heart! This sure can't continue or your health will suffer. Do they have any adult day care centers in your area? What about in-home agencies that can have a caregiver come in for a few hours. We are taking care of my mother so I know how difficult it can be. I hope you and your DH can come up with a plan that will work for everyone. My thoughts are with you. I know it's tough. Be sure to take care of yourself!
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Comment edited on: 10/11/2012 3:18:02 PM

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CARLANNIE 10/11/2012 2:30PM

    Sounds like you and your dh need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. And then maybe talk with mil. No one is going to be happy before too long. (((HUGS))) (I keep thinking this could be me and my mil!)

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ANDI571 10/11/2012 2:20PM

    Bless your heart. I knew it would be hard. Back in the day, people had big families and there were plenty to take some responsibility. When you decide to be the sole care giver, it all is put on your shoulders. You are doing the work of 10 I am afraid.
Venting is good for you, I am glad you are getting it out. Sounds like your husband needs a day to take care of mom, while you take the day off. He will soon find out what you are doing.

You might want to friend COPEMA. She takes care of her mom at home, and maybe she can give you some pointers.

Learn to say NO when you can. It is a powerful word. Take care of yourself. emoticon

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CHHAAR 10/11/2012 9:21AM

    I too value my solitude. Prayers go out to you. emoticon

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SETTLING IN WITH MIL DAY 17

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Well, it's almost 8:00 a.m. and she is still in bed. Since she has been with us we notice how much she sleeps, more than she is awake. When she sits in her chair, she nods off. EVen last night during DWTS. She loves that show. Hubby called the doctor yesterday and described her as lethargic. Her home health nurse said that she may be anemic and that may be true. I don't think she has eaten a piece of red meat in 3 years. So we'll see. I am amazed at how determined she is to keep going. It takes forever to put on a bra but she persevers until it is on. And she can't stand or walk very far without having to sit down. She had her pacemaker checked and her heart a few months back and it was fine. Her kidney doctor is pleased with her condition. And she doesn't seem to have any ailments except she is just plain worn out. I know she is 93 but maybe there is something else. Who knows., At any rate, its another day of doctors.
Its amazing the tests they want to run on old people. She has a speech therapist who is suggesting an endoscopy of sorts but we can't see the need for her to go through that. I've had one and it isn't bad. I"m thinking, she saw an ent recently and he did a down her nose visit with some tube. Maybe she has had it already. So there we are. Gave her a bath last night and we've managed to figure out how to get her in and out of the tub. Hope she doesn't get a cold or sickness this year. It would take her down for sure. I'm amazing myself with the lovely cooked dinners I'm providing. She eats every bite. I walked this morning with Pat, my friend. We went over an hour and it was slow so I didn't even know what happened. We just talked and visited. Hadn't done that in a long time but I want to get back into walking. Feels good. Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 10/10/2012 7:39PM

    Carol, glad you were able to take a walk.

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SANDYW1945 10/10/2012 6:34PM

    Hi Carol. I'm happy to see you back to walking. As for Mom, well she is 93 and perhaps at that age you tire so easily. My dad will be 91 this year and he spends many an afternoon dozing.

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Sandy

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LKWQUILTER 10/9/2012 1:47PM

    Carol, we had to put our foot down with daddy's drs as they all wanted to do "another" test on him. We knew his heart was worn out, it could not be fixed--he had a heart cath and at 91, dr said not a candidate for surgery--so there was really no need. Yes we were okay with x-rays and blood work but not colonostomy or any other invasive procedure. Praying for ya'll. ((HUGS))

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CARLANNIE 10/9/2012 9:28AM

    Getting out for a walk will be great for you, and an excellent to do something kind for yourself! Just what the doctor ordered, and see? You don't even have to pay for an office visit. That's good your mil is eating - maybe that will add some energy for her.

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MYUTMOST4HIM 10/9/2012 9:04AM

    Sounds like you're taking really good care of her - Blessings dear one~!!!

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SETTLING IN WITH MIL DAY 16

Monday, October 08, 2012

We went to church yesterday and walked in as the preacher was making his opening remarks. MIL was really wobbly and not feeling well and she hobbled to our seats with the whole congregation watching. Afterward, everyone was coming up to ask us how she was doing. One friend sat with her and talked a long time, held her hand. That friend had cared for her husband for many years and he died a year or so ago. Its been one week ago today and not too bad. I don't know how she cared for herself for so long. It takes forever for her to get dressed in the morning, just to put on a bra. And she can't walk anywhere for long. After church, she sat down in her chair and slept until about 1:00. I guess she was plumb worn out.
I never wanted for this to happen, for us to take her in. But its not so bad. And I think of her in a nursing home, we would have to go there everyday which would be a worse thing.
We have 2 dachshunds we adopted from a shelter last year. Peanut, the female, barks at her as she walks by. It took a while for Peanut to settle in with us and make friends. Now Wally, the male, he loves everyone. And last night as we watched TV, Wally laid in her lap and she just stroked and stroked him. Dog heaven it was. And good therapy for MIL.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDYW1945 10/9/2012 8:43AM

    It's so good to have her with you. Good for you and your husband and good for her.

Peace

Sandy


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LKWQUILTER 10/8/2012 2:53PM

    Praying for all of you Carol. ((HUGS))

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SETTLING IN WITH MIL DAY 15

Sunday, October 07, 2012

We finished cleaning out her apartment yesterday and it is all sitting in the middle of our garage floor. Hubby tried to push me to clear it out so he could put his car back in but we have to go through every bit of it to make sure we aren't getting rid of something that she deems is valuable. We had a box of shoes and she had to try on each one before she would part with it. I know we kept some she will never wear again but she just would not let them go. Thankfully there were a few that didn't fit so off they will go to Goodwill and she thinks we need to personally find someone to give them to. Half the clothes in her closet are something she will never wear or don't fit but I'm not going there right now.
Actually it has been just fine with her here although most of it falls to me as I knew it would. I have to help her with her bath. That makes sense. I fill her pill boxes, hubby won't do it. I cook most of the meals and plan the shopping. I take her to get her hair cut. My husband is very good and will do most anything but there are some female things that only I can do. In addition, I've been very busy with work. Quilting is taking a back seat for a bit. Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LKWQUILTER 10/7/2012 5:42PM

    You are doing great Carol. Take one day at a time. ((HUGS))

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FIFIFRIZZLE 10/7/2012 1:17PM

    Wow quite a lot of progress then!
Flylady says when you are decluttering the questions are something like
Did you wear it in the last year
Do you love it
Does it have special meaning
And if you didn,t wear it in the last year, take a photograph of it so you can still have the memories.

I just got an image of you taking photos of MIL in each pair of shoes and hope it makes you smile, too.

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DEBJAE 10/7/2012 11:46AM

    God bless you...she is lucky to have you for a DIL.

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CHRISTINASP 10/7/2012 9:19AM

    t I understand what you are saying; it seems like quite something to get used to.
Filling the pill boxes is not a female thing. But that is probably not the worst part of the extra work! Hang in there.


Comment edited on: 10/7/2012 9:23:03 AM

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JOHNMARTINMILES 10/7/2012 7:16AM

    Make Today a Great Day!

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SETTLING IN WITH MIL DAY 14

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Today ought to be some better. Yesterday she didn't feel well and so she slept most of the day. Finally at around 4:00, my husband decided to take her for a ride in our T-bird convertible! She went with a hat on and she loved it. Even managed to get out of it with no trouble. He also took her through McDonald's and got her a milkshake. She hadn't had one of those in years. So we went out for dinner and she stayed home and went to bed around 8:30. At 11:30 she got up and got dressed thinking it was time to get up. Hubby assured her it wasn't and steered her back to bed. I'm thinking she slept in her clothes but she went until 6:30 this morning so hopefully she will not sleep all day today.
Today we have to go and finish unloading the rest of her apartment and MIL wants to go with. Then we have to figure out what to do with the rest of the stuff. I'm planning chicken pot pie for dinner as we have left over chicken from the other night. And I had simmered the carcass for stock and can make gravy for it.
So we've got a busy day today and then football, FSU vs NC State! Whoo Hoo! She doesn't like football but maybe she will learn to like it.
I told hubby that my quilting days might be over as I haven't had time to quilt all week. And business is picking up. I've got a full week next week.

On another note, an old boyfriend has found me through the internet. Isn't that interesting? We dated for about a year when I was still in college. We had a lot of fun together but he got out of the Air Force and went back to Ohio right before I graduated from college and I never heard from him again. He's been married twice and divorced twice. I'm married 39 years. What could have been had he stayed around. Who knows? You've got the seize the moment I guess. Its been fun talking with him again. ANd hubby is okay with it as an old girlfriend found him last year. Later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FIFIFRIZZLE 10/7/2012 1:23PM

    Sounds like MIL Walsall tuckered out from the move, it is a big thing for you all.

Great that she had an excursion, there's a way for you to get some time to yourself if DH takes MIL out for a date every week.

Hang in there, things will get better, especially once you have decluttered.

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LKWQUILTER 10/6/2012 2:06PM

    Carol, you will get back to quilting--maybe not as much but you will again. Glad MIL enjoyed her ride. Hope your team wins today. ((HUGS))

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SANDYW1945 10/6/2012 8:37AM

    Hi Carol. Happy to see you are all settling in.

I had that old boyfriend experience last year. It was quite surprising. I was 14 the last time I saw him! He's doing well and living in Florida. Married and many children.

Hugs
Sandy

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