What a spin!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I'm going to keep today's blog short and sweet unlike my recent ones. My last blog had nothing to do with diet and exercise. I wasn't even going to write in my blog today and do any logging but after my log in spin, I feel like I'm obligated to Sparkpeople. I won 50 Sparkgoodie Points. No...it's not as good as winning a cookbook or a workout DVD, but it did bring my spirits up a little, which very seldom happens to me this time of year.

So with that, I did most of my logging. I'm going to do my Team Huddling and maybe do some replies, get on my bike for an extra 10 minutes and then it's off to bed.

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Does Scrooge really exist?

Thursday, December 08, 2011

March 6, 1990; I discovered I had a dark side. It goes by the name of SCROOGE. Why that particular date? This is the day my daughter Kelsey's name was added to God's list of Angels. Another soul to watch over us.

The holiday seasons, birthdays and other events throughout the year have always brought me down. I never got to hear of her experience on that first day of school. Telling me about some boy she liked. Graduating from JR. High and High School. No 16th or 18th birthday parties. No asking to use the car. Wondering what sports she would have participated in. Maybe she would have loved art and baking like me, music like her brother, or spending time outdoors with her dad. I will never experience those talks that a mother and daughter share. Missed days of baking and cooking with my daughter and giving her recipes that she could share with her own family. There will never be a wedding, a son-in-law, grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

I wonder everyday what kind of person she would have grown up to be. Would she have had blonde hair like her brother? Hazel or blue eyes? Would she be tall like her brother or average like her parents? What would be her favorite color? TV show? Would she be laid back like her dad or have a temper like her brother and mom? Would she have gone on to art or business school or maybe started her own company and moved to the cities? Maybe she would have loved animals and became a farmer like her great-grandparents. I know without a doubt she would have been a good girl and no matter what Kelsey did, she would have made us proud. I know that my son Brad would have been the protective big brother. A brother that she could look up to.

There is a big part of my heart that died with my daughter and I know I can never get it back. I have had 21 years to cope with my loss. The hurt and loss gets easier as the years go by but the pain still remains. I have heard so many times, "Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan." I wish I knew what it was and why.

So I go on with my life. Baking those Christmas cookies, decorating the house, buying gifts for everyone else, when deep inside all I hear BAH-HUMBUG.

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Undeserving and worried!

Monday, December 05, 2011

OK...my computer went down November 27th. I only had access to the internet when I went to the public library. I could only spend so much time on the computer. Can someone tell me. What would make a person lose sight of their goals of healthy eating and exercise because of this? I got my computer back on Sunday and I haven't been in Sparkpeople all that much except for today.

I did some late night snacking during that week, (I belong to the Emotional Eating Team) and a Sparkfriend/team member, Gabrielle and I were doing pretty good at avoiding those late night snack urges. My biggest thing was getting up at 2:30am and eating a PB sandwich. I hate to say it....I got lazy! Does the internet have that much influence over us? Granted...I still lost a pound, but I feel undeserving of it.

I slacked on logging my food and exercise tracking in my journal. I did some unhealthy eating. Candy was brought back in the house. Now it's that time of year for my Christmas baking. Peanut Brittle, Almond Toffee, Cutout Cookies, Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies, Spitz Cookies, Popcorn Balls, etc...My nieces and sister is coming to bake with me this year. How do WE get past this time of year? Thanksgiving was a breeze for me! I don't think I have it in me to avoid the those urges and temptations that comes with those Christmas rituals.

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My computer is down!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Just a quick note to let my sparkpeople friends and team members know that my computer is broke and I don;t know when I will get it fixed. The only access I have to a computer is the public library. I know I won't be able to get there every day.

I sure have missed Sparkpeople andI I hope to be back online very soon...from my own home.

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Make that call before it's too late!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I was reading another blog this morning and it got me to thinking about an old friend that I truly miss.

Karen and I went to HS together. She is the friend that talked me into joining the YMCA my Freshman year of HS. Running 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles in the evening. Evenings that we went to the YMCA we would play racket ball, basketball (I could make half court shots), handball, pool, do some running in the gym, etc...There was a juke box in the main game room. Our favorite song was "TUSK" by; Fleetwood Mac. We played that song continuously. Now when I hear it, it takes me back to those glorious days. After every workout, we would hit the cafe in the basement and have a thick, lumpy, extra chocolaty shake. YUMMY...it was so good. If I did that now I would really stack up the pounds.

Her and I also joined the girls softball team and many clubs in school just to hangout together. When I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. We were joined at the hip. We would stay up ALL night screwing around, listening to music and just being clowns. We would use brooms as guitars. It was a sight to see.

My Senior year my parents told us kids that we were moving. I was beside myself. Karen's parents gave me the OK to live with them my Senior year, but my parents would not allow it. The plan was for us kids to work in their Cafe. It was a family business and us older kids had to help. For a while I became a rebel. I lashed out at my parents. I stayed out late. My grades were low (did that on purpose). I wanted to get back at them. I was mad. That behavior lasted about 4 months and I stopped. My mom and dad were not going to give in. I figured out I was only hurting myself.

Karen lives about 50 miles from me and that's all the farther away she was when we moved. I visited her when I could. She got married and divorced. I got married and had 2 kids. Our separate lives pulled us apart. The last time we saw each other was about 3 years ago. We send each other Christmas cards every year and write a book about what we've been doing the last year.

Karen drives past my house to visit her sister, Carmen. I'm never home at that time and if I was, I would see much more of her. Real life obstacles get in the way, like family and jobs. For most of us, friends are put on the "back burner." One day that friend will no longer be a round. There will only be regrets. I think to myself, "I should have done this. I should have called her then. I was a block from her house. Why didn't I stop in?"

Tonight I'm calling my friend Karen. Even if it's for 5 minutes. At least I made that call. You never know that when you kiss your family good-bye in the morning, or tell a friend, I will see you later, that you might not see them again.

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