44ANGEL   10,310
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What a spin!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I'm going to keep today's blog short and sweet unlike my recent ones. My last blog had nothing to do with diet and exercise. I wasn't even going to write in my blog today and do any logging but after my log in spin, I feel like I'm obligated to Sparkpeople. I won 50 Sparkgoodie Points. No...it's not as good as winning a cookbook or a workout DVD, but it did bring my spirits up a little, which very seldom happens to me this time of year.

So with that, I did most of my logging. I'm going to do my Team Huddling and maybe do some replies, get on my bike for an extra 10 minutes and then it's off to bed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCHECK5 12/24/2012 10:12AM

    Hope you have a very Merry Christmas!!!

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SUSIEMT 12/14/2011 9:07PM

    It's amazing what 50 spark points will do for you!LOL

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DDHEART 12/13/2011 8:57AM

    emoticon It's funny how a silly game can lift my spirits...I do the spin each morning and it's as if I am really going to win something tangible....LOL I do win a little boost and I guess that's a pretty good prize. Congrats!

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CARLANNIE 12/11/2011 10:24AM

    Congrats on the 50 points. I got 3! Oh, well. Sweet dreams.

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CATANTIGO 12/11/2011 8:54AM

    Aren't those sparkgoodies lots of fun? Have a great Sunday, and Go, Pack, Go!!

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BABYSOX 12/11/2011 6:34AM

    Nice spin. Have a great Sparking weekend.

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BUSYGRANNY5 12/10/2011 10:35PM

    Congratulations on your great spin today! Have a great week-end!

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Does Scrooge really exist?

Thursday, December 08, 2011

March 6, 1990; I discovered I had a dark side. It goes by the name of SCROOGE. Why that particular date? This is the day my daughter Kelsey's name was added to God's list of Angels. Another soul to watch over us.

The holiday seasons, birthdays and other events throughout the year have always brought me down. I never got to hear of her experience on that first day of school. Telling me about some boy she liked. Graduating from JR. High and High School. No 16th or 18th birthday parties. No asking to use the car. Wondering what sports she would have participated in. Maybe she would have loved art and baking like me, music like her brother, or spending time outdoors with her dad. I will never experience those talks that a mother and daughter share. Missed days of baking and cooking with my daughter and giving her recipes that she could share with her own family. There will never be a wedding, a son-in-law, grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

I wonder everyday what kind of person she would have grown up to be. Would she have had blonde hair like her brother? Hazel or blue eyes? Would she be tall like her brother or average like her parents? What would be her favorite color? TV show? Would she be laid back like her dad or have a temper like her brother and mom? Would she have gone on to art or business school or maybe started her own company and moved to the cities? Maybe she would have loved animals and became a farmer like her great-grandparents. I know without a doubt she would have been a good girl and no matter what Kelsey did, she would have made us proud. I know that my son Brad would have been the protective big brother. A brother that she could look up to.

There is a big part of my heart that died with my daughter and I know I can never get it back. I have had 21 years to cope with my loss. The hurt and loss gets easier as the years go by but the pain still remains. I have heard so many times, "Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan." I wish I knew what it was and why.

So I go on with my life. Baking those Christmas cookies, decorating the house, buying gifts for everyone else, when deep inside all I hear BAH-HUMBUG.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDHEART 12/10/2011 8:28AM

    I really hate it when that line about everything happening for a reason is used...I know it's an effort at comfort but there can be no acceptable reason for losing your child. You expressed so well the ever present pain even though time has gone on and you continue to do what you need to do for the rest of the family. Bless you.

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WASCALLYWONE 12/8/2011 10:17PM

    Thank you for honestly sharing your feelings. Some things are always there, like a scab we pick at and never heals. I hope you have comfort and happiness in other areas of your life.
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CARLANNIE 12/8/2011 7:10PM

    When I get very sad over my mother's passing, especially at her birthday and holidays (she died 16 years ago), I stop to think "I wonder if she would want me to feel this way, to be depressed, to be cranky and not enjoy life?" The answer is always, always, "Nope." I know she would want me to enjoy my life to the fullest. Even though it is your daughter you are missing, I am certain that she would not want her mother to struggle so, but she would want you to find the joy you have with your family and friends, and pass that on to others around you. I betcha she would. She wants her mom to smile. (((HUGS)))

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SUGARSMOM2 12/8/2011 5:44PM

  My heart goes out to you . Please twenty one years is a long time to go with your heart closed over . It is time to allow yourself to enjoy the wonders that God has spread all around you . No noone can give you the events that you speak of with your child but out there somewhere is a child that has no parnet and would love to share with you the joy of doing some of the things she can never do with her life . hugs to you dear heart . you are not scrooge. spread love and smiles around the home .

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Undeserving and worried!

Monday, December 05, 2011

OK...my computer went down November 27th. I only had access to the internet when I went to the public library. I could only spend so much time on the computer. Can someone tell me. What would make a person lose sight of their goals of healthy eating and exercise because of this? I got my computer back on Sunday and I haven't been in Sparkpeople all that much except for today.

I did some late night snacking during that week, (I belong to the Emotional Eating Team) and a Sparkfriend/team member, Gabrielle and I were doing pretty good at avoiding those late night snack urges. My biggest thing was getting up at 2:30am and eating a PB sandwich. I hate to say it....I got lazy! Does the internet have that much influence over us? Granted...I still lost a pound, but I feel undeserving of it.

I slacked on logging my food and exercise tracking in my journal. I did some unhealthy eating. Candy was brought back in the house. Now it's that time of year for my Christmas baking. Peanut Brittle, Almond Toffee, Cutout Cookies, Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies, Spitz Cookies, Popcorn Balls, etc...My nieces and sister is coming to bake with me this year. How do WE get past this time of year? Thanksgiving was a breeze for me! I don't think I have it in me to avoid the those urges and temptations that comes with those Christmas rituals.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YOYONOYO 12/6/2011 10:17AM

    I'm happy for you that you got your computer back. It's great to have a place to be accountable. It's a lot cheaper than a personal trainer and probably more available than a friend or family member. But it is hard to be dependent on the computer for goals whether it breaks, you don't have time, or you go on vacation. My sister uses the mobile phone app so that's not a worry for her. But I don't have a smart phone. The fact is, this place works! I've tried losing weight without it with no success.

I agree that the ideal is moderation. But that's so hard when there are temptations to indulge everywhere! I have a friend who let herself have everything but only one very small bite of everything. I think I'll try that this year. When we're out, I'll decline but then have a bite of my hubby's desserts.

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WYO_CASEY 12/5/2011 7:52PM

    Don't avoid it - embrace it. Work out more if you will be snacking often. Also...What are Spitz cookies?

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BABYSOX 12/5/2011 5:45PM

    I don't think that you should avoid the rituals. Personally, I decided to make my Christmas recipes healthier and a little lighter. Last Christmas, I did not deprive myself at all, but I did eat in moderation. The results were that I lost weight throughout the holidays. That is my plan again for this year. Good luck!

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My computer is down!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Just a quick note to let my sparkpeople friends and team members know that my computer is broke and I don;t know when I will get it fixed. The only access I have to a computer is the public library. I know I won't be able to get there every day.

I sure have missed Sparkpeople andI I hope to be back online very soon...from my own home.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLANNIE 12/4/2011 3:04PM

    Hope you can get your computer fixed soon, or you can get access frequently. Technology is good, but sometimes you can just tear your hair out over it!

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CATANTIGO 11/30/2011 9:12AM

    Bummer!

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TARAFROMTX1 11/28/2011 3:29PM

    Sorry to hear that! Take care and we will be looking foward to when you get back online. emoticon

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YOYONOYO 11/28/2011 3:05PM

    Oh no! I hope you get it fixed very soon. Meanwhile, I will hope the best for you as far as healthy living goes.

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Make that call before it's too late!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I was reading another blog this morning and it got me to thinking about an old friend that I truly miss.

Karen and I went to HS together. She is the friend that talked me into joining the YMCA my Freshman year of HS. Running 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles in the evening. Evenings that we went to the YMCA we would play racket ball, basketball (I could make half court shots), handball, pool, do some running in the gym, etc...There was a juke box in the main game room. Our favorite song was "TUSK" by; Fleetwood Mac. We played that song continuously. Now when I hear it, it takes me back to those glorious days. After every workout, we would hit the cafe in the basement and have a thick, lumpy, extra chocolaty shake. YUMMY...it was so good. If I did that now I would really stack up the pounds.

Her and I also joined the girls softball team and many clubs in school just to hangout together. When I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. We were joined at the hip. We would stay up ALL night screwing around, listening to music and just being clowns. We would use brooms as guitars. It was a sight to see.

My Senior year my parents told us kids that we were moving. I was beside myself. Karen's parents gave me the OK to live with them my Senior year, but my parents would not allow it. The plan was for us kids to work in their Cafe. It was a family business and us older kids had to help. For a while I became a rebel. I lashed out at my parents. I stayed out late. My grades were low (did that on purpose). I wanted to get back at them. I was mad. That behavior lasted about 4 months and I stopped. My mom and dad were not going to give in. I figured out I was only hurting myself.

Karen lives about 50 miles from me and that's all the farther away she was when we moved. I visited her when I could. She got married and divorced. I got married and had 2 kids. Our separate lives pulled us apart. The last time we saw each other was about 3 years ago. We send each other Christmas cards every year and write a book about what we've been doing the last year.

Karen drives past my house to visit her sister, Carmen. I'm never home at that time and if I was, I would see much more of her. Real life obstacles get in the way, like family and jobs. For most of us, friends are put on the "back burner." One day that friend will no longer be a round. There will only be regrets. I think to myself, "I should have done this. I should have called her then. I was a block from her house. Why didn't I stop in?"

Tonight I'm calling my friend Karen. Even if it's for 5 minutes. At least I made that call. You never know that when you kiss your family good-bye in the morning, or tell a friend, I will see you later, that you might not see them again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PJMOGG 11/28/2011 3:54AM

    Great blog, and wonderful reminder!

paula

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CARLANNIE 11/23/2011 8:58AM

    Yes, very well said, and good reminder. emoticon

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SHERWOODCYCLER 11/22/2011 11:15PM

    Good for you for connecting with your friend.
You bring back memories I had of high school friends.

I never kept in touch because my parents moved 3 times when I was in high school.

And Tusk is one of those songs I can't get out of my head once you mentioned it.

Take care.....

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DDHEART 11/22/2011 2:05PM

    So well stated!

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TARAFROMTX1 11/22/2011 12:55PM

    You are so right... you just Never know when the last time you may hug, or kiss or tell a loved one how you feel. emoticon emoticon

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WAYSOFGRACE 11/22/2011 12:52PM

    Great reminder!

I talk to my friends just about every day. We all play the same on-line video game together, and we live at max an hour from each other. But one thing we do every single year at this time is be thankful for each other.

One friend hosts what we have begun to call Orphan's Thanksgiving. It's where those of us who don't get together with family for whatever reason go for dinner. After dinner, we have what we call Triple D (Drinks, Desserts and Debauchery) where more friends come over and we laugh, sing, tease and just generally enjoy each other for the individuals we are. This is the first year that one of my daughter's (she's 18 now) will be joining us. I can't wait!

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SUNSET09 11/22/2011 12:03PM

  We put off so much, to do it tomorrow however, tomorrow may well be today as tomorrow is never promised to us. Tell them you love them as it may well be the last thing they hear from you or you from them! Just do it and thanx so much for this reminder! emoticon emoticon

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