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home again.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Even though I knew it was coming, I still didn't have any way of stopping myself from sliding back into my depression, so once again I ended upstaging in hospital, I got home last night. I don't really feel that being there has changed how I feel, or done anything to improve things. The last few times I have been admitted its just felt like a holding pen, I think the most positive thing it does is to give Nikki a rest from me, and it simply makes me stop. When I say stop, I mean stop maniacally trying to do everything at one. Which is what I do.

I am trying to slow down, not do so much all at once. But I feel sometimes things are moving so fast that I have to move quickly to just keep up. If I joined any groups at the beginning of this month I really do feel bad, because once again I crashed and didn't follow them up. Sorry. I also loused up my online Literature course.

BUT I am ready to pick myself up once again and start again. I know as long as I have that I will always be ok.

Sarah.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SUSANO- 10/21/2014 4:45AM

    Pleased you are home. They are supposed to be changing the way they deal with mental health here aren't they? Let us hope it is sooner rather than later, not much help at all unless you search really hard.
Never apologise to us, just do what you can, when you can, and don't put more pressure on yourself emoticon

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STEVEN2GO2 10/19/2014 9:11PM

    emoticon You ended up in the hospital for depression. I am Bi-polar too so have been there. Sometimes it just seems that the stay really does not help, because when you are released you still have to face day by day again.

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 10/19/2014 7:59PM

    Hang in there; I know that winter is not far away and I hope that you can use the seasons of change to give you quiet time for reflection and that you can slow down. Do not worry at all about the things you do not do---literature will always be out there waiting; Spark People will always be here waiting. It's most important that you find the pace that makes you feel good without and within.

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DEBIGENE 10/19/2014 2:27PM

    You are always a winner when you pick up and keep going. There are always hurdles in life. Hold your head up high and do the best you can. What more can anyone want. The best we have, IS the best !!!

Hang in the baby you have a long way to go !!!!

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DEEGIRL50 10/19/2014 11:53AM

    emoticon I hope you find a way to slow down and relax. Take care.

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HIPPICHICK1 10/19/2014 10:00AM

    I'm so sorry that your experience in the hospital was so unhelpful to your situation.

I know that feeling of not being able to stop doing things. That is when we, most of all, need to rest.

Have you given any thoughts to my recommendation of cutting back on sugar and carbs? I don't know if it will help you, but it sure helped me dig myself out of the pit of depression that I found myself in. Mind you, I didn't cut back, I stopped altogether eating sugar and refined carbs. I was pretty amazed how much it helped. I stopped feeling so confused, tired, out of sorts. It stopped the anxiety and I started to feel that there was hope.
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LABRYS32726 10/19/2014 9:43AM

    Glad to hear it hasn't stopped you yet! Hang in there and take care of yourself. emoticon

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BBEAGAN 10/19/2014 8:25AM

    Even if it feels like just a holding pen, taking yourself off to hospital seems like good self-care. And, yes, a break for your partner can be a good thing. Can help keep the love strong. Good for you being ready to pick yourself up and continue where you left off. Wishing you strength.

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BROOKLYN_BORN 10/19/2014 5:47AM

    I just read your status. Know that when you are ready to face the world again, your online friends (from all over the world) will be here waiting for you. Hang in there!

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FLOSHEALTHY 10/19/2014 5:21AM

    Sarah, you will be in my Prayers. it is not easy we think we are super we can do it all right now, we have to learn to do it slow. Proud of you that you have the strength to talk about it. God Bless you. emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 10/19/2014 5:21AM

    ONE DAY AT A TIME.PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU. HAVE YOU READ ARTICLES ON SPARK ABOUT IT? JUST A THOUGHT TO TRY AND HELP.
HUGS,CHAR

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trip down to Harris

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

We went down to Harris today, I live on the isle of Lewis and our island is joined to the isle of Harris linked by the tall mountains in between, back in the day when there was no roads it was thought they were two separate islands but now that the road goes through the mountain tourists are always saying but its just one island why does each end have a different name. Well now you know. While I was down on Harris I took a couple of photo's to show you all, its of one of the beaches on the Atlantic side of the island.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLIERTHANTHOU 9/27/2014 9:40AM

    So beautiful! So remote! So barren! Love it!

SP should put a strict limit on the amount of exclamation points per post!

:)

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-SUSANO- 9/27/2014 4:28AM

    Interesting, and also very beautiful, have you plenty of warmth for the winter, must get pretty chilly up there? emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 9/25/2014 9:11AM

    Amazing! Gorgeous!!

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BROOKLYN_BORN 9/25/2014 6:50AM

    Wow, what a beautiful place to live!

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DSJB9999 9/25/2014 1:51AM

    What beautiful photos , emoticon for sharing

hope you had a good time too.

emoticon Donna x

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DEBIGENE 9/24/2014 7:04PM

    Oh My, So beautiful. I live on the Atlantic side in Maryland and I love it. These are just such nice pics. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Hope all is well in your world friend.

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CAROL494 9/24/2014 6:27PM

  Beautiful photos!

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RAPUNZEL53 9/24/2014 5:41PM

  Nice Pictures!

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A ghost in your machine.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hey every one, I have been meaning to get time to sit down and talk to you all for quite some while, but being me it always takes me a long time to just pull up a chair and join the party. well here I am.

So its been a while I think I last told you about my exciting news about my story being read on Canada's Vinyl Cafe, some time next spring. I am still on a high from that which is probably why I haven't really done much writing since just a few poems and that's been about it really. But then this past year has really been a vast struggle for me. I find it hard to find the words but I need to be honest with you- my depression has been really bad, so bad I spent most of the spring in hospital and I can feel my self unwinding again, there I said it. I love spark and I love being a part of it all and I sometimes get so very low and lonely that I find I am frozen and can't add my thoughts to any of the groups I am in. I do read everything but putting my two penny's worth in is so difficult at times. But I am here, as a ghost in the back ground busy burning the calories and working my job and fixing up the house, (its falling down) and eating far far too much. But I am here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SUSANO- 9/27/2014 4:30AM

    Keep sharing with us and we will do all we can to help emoticon

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LABRYS32726 9/19/2014 9:52AM

    Good to hear from you! I struggle a lot with what I term "angst" but worry could be depression. I just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and plan on feeling better at some point ahead. Just yesterday I blogged about my feelings of frustration and that I may indeed be a lunatic just holding the behavior in emoticon .

It's good to just keep moving and doing what you are capable of. I hope you will be able to do that without having any further hospitalization. BUT, if you do, then you know that is what you need to do to get past it.

Hang in there! emoticon

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BBEAGAN 9/17/2014 6:45PM

    Depression is brutally immobilizing... Good for you staying with SP as a lurker, even when you don't feel like posting for months at a time...

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HIPPICHICK1 9/17/2014 12:09PM

    Wow!! That is amazing news! Congrats!!
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I am big fan of the Vinyl Cafe and I'm always delighted when I catch it on the radio. I have a little transistor radio that I use in the pottery and CBC is my favorite station.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. I kind of know how you feel. I was so depressed and anxiety-ridden that at one point I considered the concept of just not being around anymore. It started to look better and better. I never really contemplated suicide, but I was starting to think an early death wouldn't be so bad. That's when I knew something was really wrong. I decided to take care of my brain my taking care of what I ate. Specifically, I credit my recovery to three things: no sugar, no wheat and a cleanse to rid myself of toxins. I had to ramp up to eliminating a lot of food from my diet, but once I did the depression went away and the anxiety stopped, over time and gently, until one day I noticed that things were just so much better and I was starting to feel like being social again. And I was much nicer to myself and to my husband. You might want to consider getting rid of sugar, in baby steps as per Spark prescription. Google "sugar and depression" and see what you get.
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MAWMAW101 9/17/2014 9:22AM

    Be sure to know you helped lots of people with your honesty and you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. Take care of yourself in any way possible and know we are always here!
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Phyllis~~

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BROOKLYN_BORN 9/17/2014 5:52AM

    Hi Sarah,
I glad to know you're still out there. Some days I just read SP even if I don't have much to add myself. Whatever I do, it helps me to log in and know that sparkers are still out there, some more active than others.

It's like a safe haven - someplace I know I can return if I want/need too.

Hang in there.
Eileen

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DSJB9999 9/17/2014 1:13AM

    Sarah don't worry about joining the SPARK regularly, sometimes just reading stories and ideas can be enough to keep me grounded too! Someone will always be here for you when/if you need us. You are FAR more valuable than a ghost. Hope the house is coming along as you would like it too. emoticon emoticon Donna x

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SHAMROCKY2K 9/16/2014 10:01PM

    You realize more than most about yourself. You put yourself out there.. a great step. One thing I do know is that whatever exercise you like.. a walk.. dancing up a storm.. can help. Of course WE will be here for you. I could not have gotten through one particular time without my spark friends.
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DEBIGENE 9/16/2014 8:01PM

    Always know that we are here and I for one will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. I do not know this kind of depression but it seems it is very common. I have no advise on this matter but I'm sure you know what needs to be done. Do it my friend, whatever it takes, don't let it take you !!!

I am here if you want to talk. I support you and care about you. emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/16/2014 8:02:10 PM

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FLOSHEALTHY 9/16/2014 4:36PM

    emoticon
I hear you hard for us as we get older and things are strained, makes you even more depressed. I will keep you in my prayers.

good you keep trying that is all we can do. Flo

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vinyl cafe are going to read my story on air!!

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share this with you the Vinyl Cafe (CBC radio) are going to use my story on air!!!! I don't exactly know when yet but wow I mean wow!!!

and here it is for you all to have a look at...

Winters can be very long here on the isle of Lewis, they are not always frosty and snow covered but they can be very wet and wild. Our first couple of winters here on the island sure have been. We soon learned that the high winds would carry off anything that wasn’t tied down, from planters to our old yellow fibreglass kayak, which usually takes two of us to lift, that sailed two fields over and was surrounded by curious sheep when we spotted it the next morning. Each spring is eagerly watched for, first the willows will start to bud, then the primroses begin to bloom, but the sure sign that spring has come at last; comes with the cuckoo, its calls throughout the glen herald the calmer weather. People start to appear, folks you might not have seen since New Year are out and about in their gardens or checking on their sheep, awaiting the first lambs. The days start to get a little longer; it’s no longer dark by 4pm and its then that my mind turns to the coming task of digging the peats.
We were given a peat bank the first year we moved out here. A neighbour took us out onto the moor and pointed out a low heather covered hummock, half cut away to reveal the black crusty peat beneath. It looked just like all the other peat banks, there were dozens of them up on the high moors, but this one was special, this one was ours, this one could keep our house warm all winter, heat our water and provide cooking fuel in the ancient kitchen range which was the heart of our home. Now all we had to do was come up here, cut and dry the peat then haul it home and stack it ready for winter use! Everyone warned me how hard it would be, how my back would hut, how the midges would bite, how it wasn’t worth the effort. They shuck their heads when I went up evening after evening after evening with my spade and cut and stacked the peat, what they didn’t know was how much I looked forward to it. You see I come from a busy town in England where finding a quiet corner with just minimal noise and people can be difficult, so a whole moor to my self was wonderful, beautiful, sheer heaven! Although it was not silent, far from it, at first all I could hear was my own huffing and puffing as I staggered about in the mud, but after a while other sounds crept into my consciousness. The high ‘peeping’ song of the golden plover nesting on the moors caught my attention first, I spent ages trying decipher which direction the plaintive sounds were coming from; then I noticed that when a raven flew over head making honking sounds as it went you could hear its wing beats, yes that’s how quiet it was. The funniest sounds where the squeaks of the sheep pulling up and eating the reeds which grew in tussocks, they’d bury their heads in the reeds, chomp on the bases and pull, their teeth squeaking on the tough shiny green stalks as they tried to up root them. But my favourite sound, the one that kept me on the moor and stopped my in my tracked was the skylarks. I cant begin to describe their song to you, it truly is only something you can experience for your selves, all I know is that for some digging the peats really is about the hard work, but for me the digging is just a reason to get me up onto the moors so that I can stand and listen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLIERTHANTHOU 11/4/2014 1:16PM

    While I have no idea what peat is, I love this little sketch of your new life on my dream-island. I hope you let us know when this will air. I live in Toronto and grew-up on the vinyl cafe.

I just read your blog about returning home from the hospital. I wouldn't worry too much about online classes. There are always online courses to be had. But I hope you keep plugging away at your writing, even now, when things kind of suck. It is something to do, you do it beautifully, and I know it always helps me when I focus on one small thing at a time. Like a poem. It drives me nuts, but it also helps. If that makes any sense.

I wish you the best!

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DSJB9999 9/7/2014 12:48PM

    emoticon emoticon sorry I haven't seen this before emoticon

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TESAM2931 7/1/2014 4:13PM

    Lovely story
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CATHY629 7/1/2014 4:59AM

    What a lovely story,congratulations.
Cathy

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SWEETPEA20121 6/18/2014 9:26PM

  Awesome! Congrats. It sounds beautiful.

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SHEENADEE 6/13/2014 1:10PM

    emoticon

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CYBERCITYSHELL 5/30/2014 8:54AM

    Congratulations Sarah, no wonder they want to air your story. It sounds such a beautiful place. And it shines through in the way that you tell it emoticon

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DEEGIRL50 5/26/2014 12:47AM

    emoticon A well deserved honor! Celebrating with you.
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DEBIGENE 5/25/2014 10:16PM

    WOW !!! You have a talent for sure. Your story is so beautifully put in your own words and I could almost smell the peat !!!

CONGRATULATIONS on such a terrific achievement. !!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DR1939 5/25/2014 7:18PM

    Congratulations!

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EGRAMMY 5/25/2014 5:26PM

    emoticon Wonderful. So proud of you.

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HERMIEME 5/25/2014 4:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon story!!! This is a huge achievement - I know - I'm Canadian and I know Vinyl Cafe is an institution - a long standing one!

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June Baby.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

As part of my writing course this year we were asked to write an autobiographical piece but from a different point of view, i spent ages thinking about which part of my past i should write about, in the end i decide i would write about my sister Jeannie, some of you will know her better than others, i have shown this to my mum and she seemed to think that it was ok to send, and i wanted to share it with you.

A June baby.


I’d always meant to go get the ring on Thursday morning, but stuff happens, you know? So by the time I got to the jewellers it was shut, half day closing. Who does that any more? We don’t do that at the super market, we went 24 hour last June, so now there are shifts round the clock. I do a lot of night shifts now, its quiet here at three in the morning, no one to bother me down here in Home and Leisure. I try and stay down the front of the store, don’t go up the far isles towards the back, although I can see the signs on the back wall, pictures of cheeses and salami to show the shoppers that this is the deli section. I can see them over the shelving as I restack the CDs and DVDs. That’s where my Jeannie worked, slicing the meats, cutting the cheeses. I’d see here talking to customers, letting them try before they buy. But I can’t go up there any more, can’t stand to see it, they offered me a transfer after it happened, thought I’d be better off working in another store…not so many memory’s, less awkward all round for me and for them too I suppose. But no, I couldn’t leave, sometimes the memory’s help, I go over and over it trying to change that night, turn back the clock, wind it right back. My life is full of what ifs now. But how far would I wind it back? To the staff meeting perhaps, that made me late? It made me get there after one when the staff had locked the small shop and Jeannie’s engagement ring was trapped there inside until the morning, the morning of her eighteenth birthday. My plans were in ruins, I wouldn’t be able to turn up at her house early with it. I would have to change my plans. Maybe if I had come up with a different plan, a better plan, any plan other than the one I did come up with, I long so much to not have phoned her, to not have told her I would be busy all day, couldn’t give her a lift home that night and would meet her back at her parents house at ‘sixish’. She was upset, understandably so, I’d kept the ring a secret you see, we’d told our family’s we wanted to get engaged, but they said at eighteen we were far too young. I’d hoped the ring would prove to them all that we were serious. I have a suspicion she knew I’d got her something special, because I remember how disappointed she was when I handed over the oversized card while she was working, across the deli counter, and apologised again for her having to get herself home. If only she’d managed to get that shift swap, not had to work on her birthday, they have introduced that as policy here now, it’s a perk of the job, you get an extra days holiday because you automatically get the day off. I’d like to think its because of what happened but its just good PR really. So when I finished, off I raced to get the ring, glad to be in the car, it was poring with rain, I was thinking that we would have to have the fireworks I’d bought on another night although tonight was November the fifth. There’s another what if, maybe if she’d been born in summer, not been a bonfire baby? But no, I can’t turn the clock back that far, can I? I wish, oh how I wish I could, then it would have all been alright, everything would be alright, we’d still be together. Maybe if the train guard had let her take her bike on the train, instead of refusing her, it was wet, the train was packed. So instead she set off to cycled the seven miles home. She loved her bike, had bought it with her first wage, had always wanted one, and cycled everywhere. If only I’d got there before half day closing, I go over and over and over that day, that pointless meeting, that train guard, no one swapping the shift, the tanker driver, not seeing her, I freeze frame when ever I come to that part. I know from the inquest, he didn’t see her, he says he even rolled down his window to see better at the junction, he looked both ways and there was nothing there, no traffic. No she was cycling in front of his cab, he didn’t look down. He never saw her. If I could turn the clock back at all, that is the time I would alter, the time I would change, it was all fixable up until then. I’d got the ring, and was at her house with her sisters waiting, we’d rigged up a banner, I’d showed them the ring. A policeman came to her house, we were all so happy up until then, we’d come up with a crazy plan to all hide and jump out on her; knowing she would be cold and cross at having to cycle home in the rain, but the ring and the banner and the cake would make up for all that. But someone at the door brought us out of hiding, stopped all our smiles dead. She was dead, we stood there. Time stopped. If only I could rewind it, play it over again, start a fresh. Maybe this time make her a June baby.

thankyou for reading it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYBERCITYSHELL 11/26/2013 2:57AM

    I'm so sorry for your sad loss Sarah. It was good reading, but very sad. So much in life would be really really different if we could change one thing we did in our life. If we went in a different direction the whole picture would have been so different. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SERENE-BEAN 11/25/2013 9:34AM

    Wow. emoticon

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PJBONARRIGO 11/24/2013 8:18PM

    Wow- this was a riveting read, on the edge of my seat. Just hoping it's really fiction. (((hugs)))

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DEBIGENE 11/24/2013 12:33PM

    WOW you really are talented !!! Thanks for sharing it with us, I enjoyed reading it.

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