Monday, November 15, 2010
Okay I binged a little.. a lot this weekend. So I have to work a lot extra. Can't complain about a plateau if I'm screwing it up right?
Since I've lost the 20+ pounds, the knee pain that I have had in my left knee has all but gone away. Well until last Wednesday. I had achiness in both knees Wednesday. Okay, they are arthritic, and the weather is changing, so maybe that's it. Thursday I was bowling and by the third game, I was almost in tears. The left knee hurt as bad as it had before the weight loss. I wasn't sure I was going to finish. I did, we went home and I iced it, wrapped it and of course took the requisite drugs. If I do something stupid and gain any of this weight back, that will be a daily occurence, not just a once in awhile thing. So I have to remember that. and I think that was my wakeup call.
I just hate my body's reaction to stress right now. Everyone around me loses weight when they are stressed. WHY can't I? Why do I gain it, even if I don't bing? So frustrating.
I'm basically just blabbing right now. Needed to vent. Thinking about pawning my wedding ring to pay for some expenses. My husband just refuses to let me do that, but it may be our last option. I see no light at the end of the tunnel to make things better.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Wish I could say it was with this plateau or with losing weight. But no, nothing that good will come out of this blog. This is a dark depressing blog, if you want motivation, I'm not your girl.
I spoke with my mother Saturday. My mother is toxic to my life. I haven't talked to her since mother's day this year. Okay, haven't talked or communicated. My mother expected perfection out of me. Hence my self esteem issues, my self loathing, my disgust and my fear of failure and success. She's a racist and a narcissist. She forgets constantly her son in law is Hispanic. I'm going to hell because the end is coming and I don't belong to a church that teaches prophecy. Excuse me? I don't remember reading that in the Bible and although I didn't get it all I have read the Bible in its entirety. Well she didn't exactly tell me I was going to hell, but I need to get in a church because things were happening. WTH I don't care what's going on in Turkey and I don't care that it's the end of times, I'm good with God. He wants to slap me around I'm sure because I'm not perfect, but unless I missed something there's only been one perfect human. and he had a slight edge... being the son of God and all. Anyway, I'm the daughter of a narcissist who does not perform to her mother's demands. Hence the lack of communication. Which is sad, because I have her only grandchildren and she has missed out on almost ALL of their lives. Anyway, back to the not perfect enough. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough and smart enough (I made 4.0 GPA from 6th through 12th grade). Between her and my grandmother, my weight was a constant topic, although looking back at pictures, I never was overweight. I would gain the same ten every winter and lose it every summer when softball started. Oh yeah, was never good enough at that either. Geez, where would a fear of failure or success come from in my background history.
My husband.. not very happy with him. First part is not his fault and I'm being a pissy beotch but his income has dropped in half since we've been together. Job losses, yes I know. But how is it that I'm always the one to get the second income. I make the effort to fix it by taking on another job or trying to sell stuff. That and his new "I'm not going to clean this house any more". I'm not your Mexican maid'. But gets all pissed off that I don't help him in the yard. .. and so Saturday I do. But do I get any help in the house any more. Yesterday he threw my clothes over to my side of the bed unfolded. Now this is the same man who used to take care of this stuff for me. I said something to the effect, well you could have folded them, then I hear " I'm not your Mexican slave". You played poker while I made dinner. Well uh yeah and last week I made dinner and cleaned every night of the week while you watched TV but did I get all pissy about it. Great, the last time I heard those words, we almost divorced and it was over another issue, but he was throwing that crap at me. I'm tired.
EDIT: Okay I have been reminded that he is probably lashing out because he is depressed. and I undestand that. His income has dropped in half since we've been together, but I've always been the one to get the second job or try to find the means to fix it, so seriously I'm kind of sick of it. Don't take your frustrations out on me, get another freaking job if you have too. He definitely has the time and if I can do it, he can too.
Finances - just tired of it and see no end. There's not enough money to get caught up much less ahead. and if his job doesn't go permanent, we're screwed. We have no Christmas now for the third year in a row. It's getting old. I used to love Christmas. I love giving. I have no creative talent to make anything for anybody so I'm just screwed. I give up.
Work - seems we have a discrimination target again. My co worker. Last year it was me. But the mood around here is awful. We aren't in the "good ole boy's club" therefore no chance of promotion, lateral movement or anything. and I absolutely despise my job. My boss is of the KING mentality. He got promoted therefore all the peons are beneath him and he doesn't have time for us. and again I despise my job. I'm not doing what my strengths are.
My weight - I'm done. I'm not going to try any more. I'll still exercise but I give up. I can't seem to cut, lose weight, lose inche, nothing. In fact the scale keeps going up and down with the same four pounds. I'm just stuck. Nothing happening. So, now in my life, it seems I can't control ANYTHING. I thought I could do this, but I can't. No progress in months, now I'm just so tired, so frustrated and so demotivated. I want to curl up and die. and now I found out after the fact that one of whom I thought was a best friend had her house broken into and I find out on Facebook? What kind of friendship is that? All the people that used to be our friends have gotten their own houses, so our house is of no use to them any longer. So really we were just a pit stop, not friendship. I don't know.
DH kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him he was being a jerk and life sucked. Just told him life sucked.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
for me to finally start losing the weight and working out again. Yes I did have another surgery between that picture and actually wasn't released from the previous surgery, but I should have started adjusting my eating then. I didn't. I probably put another ten pounds on after this? Who knows, I lost count. I didn't have a scale. I wasn't happy. Well I was in this picture, it was my daughter's graduation party, but still... why did I wait.
October 2009 and then to October 2010
and now we are here
but still not there yet, because I want to be better than here
Sometimes it takes awhile to get going and sometimes it never happens. I'm glad I didn't wait any more. I'm not content where I'm at, I want to get further down, but I'm not going to let a plateau stop me. The weights are my friend, I will continue to go see them on a regular basis. I really have a son, but he refuses to take pictures with me. UGH.
I should know better than to write a blog at 7 am... I just am not with it. Starting rambling and thinking after I posted it the first time.
Monday, November 01, 2010
This weekend, I should have been finishing the yard, but I didn't. The weather was gorgeous and I should have been outside. Okay, so I let the Rangers schedule influence my decisions for the weekend. I cleaned inside, well to a point. I didn't make any extra effort, but the thing that I did do -----
Threw out ALL of my old/new baggy clothes. If it's a size 12 or up, it's gone. Even a dress I've worn once but bought last year (I think a 14), all are out of my house. There is no turning back. I refuse to buy anything bigger than a 10 and preferably stay in the 8 range. I will not let myself get to that point ever again. The benefits outweigh everything. Just the reduction in knee pain.
I'm still frustrated because I haven't lost since July, but.... it will get there. I have two pairs of pants waiting in the closet to be worn, that and next summer three new pair of shorts that have never been worn because I was always just a couple of pounds away.
November will be my month. I will get over this financially and plateau induced depression and break this plateau. I haven't strayed away from the exercise plan, but I know I haven't pushed it. Now it's time to push it. I've been on this new schedule over a month and my body is slowly adjusting so I'm not going to use the tired excuse any more.
New month, new goals.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Yeah, I'm sure you're expecting a blog on how great he trained me and I'm sore and all that. Well, yes, but...
Trainer: Sherri, I never asked you what you do for work.
Sherri: I uh, yeah I'm in IT (this was after my workout and I'm still trying to figure out if I can stand up)
Trainer: Oh, I thought you might have been a model or something.
Sherri: Yeah uh no, but thank you.... I'll keep coming back.
So for six months, I've been training on my own. I pretty much know for the most part how to do most of the exercises. Every once in awhile, he'll come by and move my hands or keep my elbows still. Yeah, when I'm being lazy and not watching form.
So one day he asks me to do an ab workout with this one guy and I hem and haw and yeah sure. So I did. Felt pretty good. Went through the whole thing without stopping. Felt every muscle the next day - and had to rake rocks for 8 hours the next day. Imagine that.
So the next week I ask him to work up a chest and tricep workout for me. When do you want to do it, tomorrow.. tomorrow good. So we do, strength training is the goal - oh my gosh, kicked my butt. I haven't been taking my muscles to failure, so I have to work on that.
While I'm working out with him one of the other trainers says, workout with me, I'll kick your butt. Okay, yeah, sure. Are you guys going to start charging me for this?
Anyway, yesterday I told the new one that I would workout. Legs and abs, well we did legs. But another trainer says - have you tried Tabata, huh??? what's that. 4 minutes - okay, I'll do that before I work out with the other. I'm bouncing between trainers. So I do my four minutes of Hip swing squat tabata thingie... my legs are burning. Okay, let's go finish your legs with the OTHER trainer. Treadmill, walk incline for ten minutes. yokay, no problemo. Now elliptical cycling in six minute level intervals. oh lord. I'm wobbly. But I feel great.
So I'm finished, headed out the door, ask again if anybody saw my arm brace.. YAY they have. and that started the conversation that started this blog. I'm smiling, I have my brace and... my legs are wobbly. Spark on
EDIT::: I'm going to brag a little... I forgot to add. The trainer who worked me on the treadmill and elliptical was counting my reps when I was doing the hip swing thingie and told me while I was climbing the treadmill mountain that I did so many reps on each set. He said that was a lot of reps. I'm like so I did "good?" No, you did GREAT... woo hoo. So I guess I'm getting in shape.
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