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Still Frustrated but had wake up call

Monday, November 15, 2010

Okay I binged a little.. a lot this weekend. So I have to work a lot extra. Can't complain about a plateau if I'm screwing it up right?

Since I've lost the 20+ pounds, the knee pain that I have had in my left knee has all but gone away. Well until last Wednesday. I had achiness in both knees Wednesday. Okay, they are arthritic, and the weather is changing, so maybe that's it. Thursday I was bowling and by the third game, I was almost in tears. The left knee hurt as bad as it had before the weight loss. I wasn't sure I was going to finish. I did, we went home and I iced it, wrapped it and of course took the requisite drugs. If I do something stupid and gain any of this weight back, that will be a daily occurence, not just a once in awhile thing. So I have to remember that. and I think that was my wakeup call.

I just hate my body's reaction to stress right now. Everyone around me loses weight when they are stressed. WHY can't I? Why do I gain it, even if I don't bing? So frustrating.

I'm basically just blabbing right now. Needed to vent. Thinking about pawning my wedding ring to pay for some expenses. My husband just refuses to let me do that, but it may be our last option. I see no light at the end of the tunnel to make things better.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/15/2010 3:14PM

    I really understand the stress stuff. We're up to our eyeballs in debt and every time we turn around, there's more of it! I know you're suffering, and what I hope more than anything is that you don't give up! emoticon emoticon

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ARCHIMEDESII 11/15/2010 10:51AM

    PS - this is a separate thought from the knee reply. As far as some of your money woes, instead of pawning your wedding ring, have you considered having yard sales ?

One man's junk is another man's treasure. You'd be surprized what people will buy ! I'm shocked at what sells at yard sales. I know, I buy all sorts of stuff ! LOL !!!

So, a yard sale might be a good way to get some quick cash quickly. Just check the weather and do it on a nice day before winter sets in. You'd think yard sales are just for the summer, not true. I saw two yard sales yesterday. it's not too late.



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ARCHIMEDESII 11/15/2010 10:36AM

    Ah, knee injuries, the gift that keeps on giving. I feel your pain. No, seriously, I have really bad knees too. Like you, when I lost the weight, I thought my knees would get better. Well, on one level they did, on another, they didn't.

The fact is, a person never really totally recovers from knee problems. We have good days and bad days. that's the way my life has been since I blew out my ACL as a teenager. Keeping my weight down helps. However, do you know what's really helped my knees ? yoga.

I've been taking yoga for the last three years and as a result, I have much more mobility and fewer "pain" instances. They aren't perfect. they never will be. But, yoga has helped a lot. You won't see immediate results. It's going to take a long time, but yoga can make a difference. There are poses you will have to modify. otherwise, your knees will be screaming at you. But, if you stick with it, you will see very small changes.

And when you have bad knees, small changes make a difference.

So, keep that knee wrapped up. Go put some ice on it. Ice helps a lot too.



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JADEDRIDER180 11/15/2010 10:35AM

    Vent away my dear! Sometimes just getting it out and seeing things in black and white can really help to process. Take good care of yourself, you are so worth it.



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HILDABRAND 11/15/2010 10:25AM

    I'm sorry you are still struggling. Have you thought about trying some yoga or deep breathing to relieve some of the stress. Perhaps if you can find some stress reducer that will help your body left go of some weight that it thinks it needs.

Praying for you.

emoticon

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PAIGESMAMA 11/15/2010 9:38AM

    Sorry things haven't started to turn around yet.
Just keep working on yourself and the plateau will change.

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I'm Done

Monday, November 08, 2010

Wish I could say it was with this plateau or with losing weight. But no, nothing that good will come out of this blog. This is a dark depressing blog, if you want motivation, I'm not your girl.

I spoke with my mother Saturday. My mother is toxic to my life. I haven't talked to her since mother's day this year. Okay, haven't talked or communicated. My mother expected perfection out of me. Hence my self esteem issues, my self loathing, my disgust and my fear of failure and success. She's a racist and a narcissist. She forgets constantly her son in law is Hispanic. I'm going to hell because the end is coming and I don't belong to a church that teaches prophecy. Excuse me? I don't remember reading that in the Bible and although I didn't get it all I have read the Bible in its entirety. Well she didn't exactly tell me I was going to hell, but I need to get in a church because things were happening. WTH I don't care what's going on in Turkey and I don't care that it's the end of times, I'm good with God. He wants to slap me around I'm sure because I'm not perfect, but unless I missed something there's only been one perfect human. and he had a slight edge... being the son of God and all. Anyway, I'm the daughter of a narcissist who does not perform to her mother's demands. Hence the lack of communication. Which is sad, because I have her only grandchildren and she has missed out on almost ALL of their lives. Anyway, back to the not perfect enough. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough and smart enough (I made 4.0 GPA from 6th through 12th grade). Between her and my grandmother, my weight was a constant topic, although looking back at pictures, I never was overweight. I would gain the same ten every winter and lose it every summer when softball started. Oh yeah, was never good enough at that either. Geez, where would a fear of failure or success come from in my background history.

My husband.. not very happy with him. First part is not his fault and I'm being a pissy beotch but his income has dropped in half since we've been together. Job losses, yes I know. But how is it that I'm always the one to get the second income. I make the effort to fix it by taking on another job or trying to sell stuff. That and his new "I'm not going to clean this house any more". I'm not your Mexican maid'. But gets all pissed off that I don't help him in the yard. .. and so Saturday I do. But do I get any help in the house any more. Yesterday he threw my clothes over to my side of the bed unfolded. Now this is the same man who used to take care of this stuff for me. I said something to the effect, well you could have folded them, then I hear " I'm not your Mexican slave". You played poker while I made dinner. Well uh yeah and last week I made dinner and cleaned every night of the week while you watched TV but did I get all pissy about it. Great, the last time I heard those words, we almost divorced and it was over another issue, but he was throwing that crap at me. I'm tired.

EDIT: Okay I have been reminded that he is probably lashing out because he is depressed. and I undestand that. His income has dropped in half since we've been together, but I've always been the one to get the second job or try to find the means to fix it, so seriously I'm kind of sick of it. Don't take your frustrations out on me, get another freaking job if you have too. He definitely has the time and if I can do it, he can too.

Finances - just tired of it and see no end. There's not enough money to get caught up much less ahead. and if his job doesn't go permanent, we're screwed. We have no Christmas now for the third year in a row. It's getting old. I used to love Christmas. I love giving. I have no creative talent to make anything for anybody so I'm just screwed. I give up.

Work - seems we have a discrimination target again. My co worker. Last year it was me. But the mood around here is awful. We aren't in the "good ole boy's club" therefore no chance of promotion, lateral movement or anything. and I absolutely despise my job. My boss is of the KING mentality. He got promoted therefore all the peons are beneath him and he doesn't have time for us. and again I despise my job. I'm not doing what my strengths are.

My weight - I'm done. I'm not going to try any more. I'll still exercise but I give up. I can't seem to cut, lose weight, lose inche, nothing. In fact the scale keeps going up and down with the same four pounds. I'm just stuck. Nothing happening. So, now in my life, it seems I can't control ANYTHING. I thought I could do this, but I can't. No progress in months, now I'm just so tired, so frustrated and so demotivated. I want to curl up and die. and now I found out after the fact that one of whom I thought was a best friend had her house broken into and I find out on Facebook? What kind of friendship is that? All the people that used to be our friends have gotten their own houses, so our house is of no use to them any longer. So really we were just a pit stop, not friendship. I don't know.

DH kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him he was being a jerk and life sucked. Just told him life sucked.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HILDABRAND 11/9/2010 10:14AM

    I'm so sorry to hear all this is happening to you. I can certainly understand your anger, frustration, and depression. I wish I had the right words or a magic wand to make it better. Just know that I will be praying for you and that you have folks here who care about you and are ready to support you in any way we can.

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PAIGESMAMA 11/8/2010 8:59PM

    I am sorry things have been so bad for you, but you cn't give up. YOu are wotrht this and somehow things will get better.

I am always here for you to vent or do whatever you need.

It sounds like staying away from your mother is a good thing.

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PATTYKLAVER 11/8/2010 7:04PM

    I'm really sorry you are at this point in your life. It's so tough. (Been there, done that!) But you will pull through. Your blog tells me you always have. I hope you are able to find someone to help you through this. Good luck.

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DITTY1013 11/8/2010 5:07PM

    Now that you've gotten all this out and into the open, instead of giving up, start thinking about solutions. The first step is recognizing the issues. What proves our character is what we do when we encounter them. We can choose to face them head-on with the appropriate tools, or we can turn and hide. But you know what? Turning away from them doesn't make them go away. Stand up for yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help. But don't give up.

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FIZZLESTIX 11/8/2010 4:46PM

    emoticon

I don't have anything helpful to say, but do please take care of yourself and talk to us whenever you need to.

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XMITTR 11/8/2010 4:32PM

  Moments like this can collapse any program of change and self-improvement. When it all hits you like this, please remember that we don't eat the sandwich all at once but must take individual bites at a time, chewing and swallowing each, until the task is done.

Please take a moment to deal with the biggest issue first: the stress itself. A hot bath, salon trip, good book, great music, or other method of stress relief will relax your muscles and mind. Take a day off from thinking about it.

When you come back, list the things that are wrong and categorize how you can change them, avoid them, or otherwise deal with them. Discuss with your good supporters. Make a plan for each you can review from time to time to see if it's working. If an issue isn't getting addressed, adjust fire with information you've gathered along the way.

And yes, vent vent vent as much as you need to us. We will be there for you.

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ANDYINBC 11/8/2010 4:12PM

    Definitely sounds like you are done. But, the great thing about Spark people is now that you have let us know, we are going to support you and support you and then we will support you some more. It sounds like you are definitely in a rough place right now, but you have gotten out of these places before and you will do it again. I appreciate the messages and encouragement you have sent my way in the past and I know you can get past this. I am counting on you and hoping for you. Let me know how things go. emoticon

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This picture should have done it.. but it took a year

Thursday, November 04, 2010

for me to finally start losing the weight and working out again. Yes I did have another surgery between that picture and actually wasn't released from the previous surgery, but I should have started adjusting my eating then. I didn't. I probably put another ten pounds on after this? Who knows, I lost count. I didn't have a scale. I wasn't happy. Well I was in this picture, it was my daughter's graduation party, but still... why did I wait.


May 2009


October 2009 and then to October 2010

and now we are here

July 2010

but still not there yet, because I want to be better than here

October 2005

Sometimes it takes awhile to get going and sometimes it never happens. I'm glad I didn't wait any more. I'm not content where I'm at, I want to get further down, but I'm not going to let a plateau stop me. The weights are my friend, I will continue to go see them on a regular basis. I really have a son, but he refuses to take pictures with me. UGH.

I should know better than to write a blog at 7 am... I just am not with it. Starting rambling and thinking after I posted it the first time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBORAHBROWN1 11/8/2010 4:31PM

    Hey Girl!

I've looked at your picutures and you have come a long way - you look great!

I've recently become of member of SPARK and I love it. I don't really have many close friends to work out with - but I think that this team environment is going help me.

I've had a rocky past as well, with my family being far away from me as well as having self confidence issues stemming from when I was a child and my father abusing me. But what gets me through each day and keep pressing on is -- I count my blessings! I have a wonderful Husband, two great kids, my health is good now and I'm able to work and bring in some money to help support the household. My husband and I work together to raise our kids to the best of our ability. We try not to put too much pressure on ourselves. We just keep plugging along and it seems to work.

In the past - I thought about giving up but there is always something that keeps you going -- you just need to find it.

Keep up the great work!

Deb emoticon

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MZSLYDE01 11/8/2010 12:39PM

    You look great. You have come along way. Your very beautiful.



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DITTY1013 11/4/2010 12:00PM

    I think you look gorgeous in all these pics, to be honest! :-) But I know there's nothing like *feeling* confident in your own skin. You'll get there. Keep up the good work!

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40PLUSANDFIT 11/4/2010 11:34AM

    Guess I could answer Leanne's question here, but I'll go through them all
May 2009 - graduation
October 2009 - sorority presentation
October 2010 - Game 6 Rangers- Yankees
July 2010 - Grease sing a long
October 2005 - Jamaica - wedding day

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LHIEBEL 11/4/2010 11:20AM

  I think you look great!!! What is this photo from? You and your daughter look beautiful together. I have SO been struggling--you are really motivating me!

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MINENA1 11/4/2010 11:02AM

    LOL, I have a son but he dislikes pictures. That's why you'll mostly just see pictures of my daughter. She loves the camera. LOL! Anyway, you look fantastic!

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PAIGESMAMA 11/4/2010 9:20AM

    Great pictures. You have come a long way. The plateau will pass. I know you have ben stuck for awhile, but it will happen. Stick with it.

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 11/4/2010 9:12AM

    Awesome results!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/4/2010 8:52AM

    I think you're beautiful! My son doesn't like photos either! lol emoticon

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SCHATZY25 11/4/2010 8:47AM

    You have such a great attitude. BTW, you look awesome! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DONNA47FMFL 11/4/2010 8:02AM

    You are looking good. Keep up the attitude. You will get there!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 11/4/2010 7:50AM

    No matter what point in time and what the scale said then or now, you've always been beautiful.

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ILOVEDOLPHINS73 11/4/2010 7:47AM

    Good attitude and motivation. You can do this....and AWESOME abs in '05. Cheering for you! emoticon emoticon

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No Turning Back

Monday, November 01, 2010

This weekend, I should have been finishing the yard, but I didn't. The weather was gorgeous and I should have been outside. Okay, so I let the Rangers schedule influence my decisions for the weekend. I cleaned inside, well to a point. I didn't make any extra effort, but the thing that I did do -----

Threw out ALL of my old/new baggy clothes. If it's a size 12 or up, it's gone. Even a dress I've worn once but bought last year (I think a 14), all are out of my house. There is no turning back. I refuse to buy anything bigger than a 10 and preferably stay in the 8 range. I will not let myself get to that point ever again. The benefits outweigh everything. Just the reduction in knee pain.

I'm still frustrated because I haven't lost since July, but.... it will get there. I have two pairs of pants waiting in the closet to be worn, that and next summer three new pair of shorts that have never been worn because I was always just a couple of pounds away.

November will be my month. I will get over this financially and plateau induced depression and break this plateau. I haven't strayed away from the exercise plan, but I know I haven't pushed it. Now it's time to push it. I've been on this new schedule over a month and my body is slowly adjusting so I'm not going to use the tired excuse any more.

New month, new goals.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSHINE667 11/3/2010 8:55PM

    OMG...your blog sounds just like something I would write! I just gave away all of my 14's (last year) and 12's (this year) and a 10 is the largest size I keep in my closest and like you, I want to stay in a size 8 also!

Congratulations on your weight loss you look great!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PATTYKLAVER 11/1/2010 5:33PM

    You're doing great. I know you will be successful - I can read the motivation in your blog.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/1/2010 4:10PM

    That's great about getting rid of the clothes! Your attitude is contagious!!! emoticon emoticon

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MFROBERTS 11/1/2010 3:05PM

    Getting rid of old clothes gives one a feeling of new beginnings and of a better future. A job well done.

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LOZINJST4ME 11/1/2010 12:21PM

    emoticon

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PAIGESMAMA 11/1/2010 9:55AM

    Great job in getting rid of all of the too big clothes. That is what you should do. Who wants to gain weight and then have to buy new big clothes? I have done that too.

I need to get the exercise going for myself. I need to set a schedule and stick to it. I am going to work on that today.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 11/1/2010 9:49AM

    Congrats!! There is no reason to hang on to bigger clothes. It says that you don't think that your weight loss will stick and that defeats the purpose. Someone else can have your clothes. ;) November will be your month!
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APMAC_D 11/1/2010 9:26AM

    This is great!!! Good idea on getting rid of old clothes, that is exactly what I should do as well. I hope everything goes the way you would like!

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This Trainer is GOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Yeah, I'm sure you're expecting a blog on how great he trained me and I'm sore and all that. Well, yes, but...

Trainer: Sherri, I never asked you what you do for work.
Sherri: I uh, yeah I'm in IT (this was after my workout and I'm still trying to figure out if I can stand up)
Trainer: Oh, I thought you might have been a model or something.
Sherri: Yeah uh no, but thank you.... I'll keep coming back. emoticon

So for six months, I've been training on my own. I pretty much know for the most part how to do most of the exercises. Every once in awhile, he'll come by and move my hands or keep my elbows still. Yeah, when I'm being lazy and not watching form.

So one day he asks me to do an ab workout with this one guy and I hem and haw and yeah sure. So I did. Felt pretty good. Went through the whole thing without stopping. Felt every muscle the next day - and had to rake rocks for 8 hours the next day. Imagine that.

So the next week I ask him to work up a chest and tricep workout for me. When do you want to do it, tomorrow.. tomorrow good. So we do, strength training is the goal - oh my gosh, kicked my butt. I haven't been taking my muscles to failure, so I have to work on that.
While I'm working out with him one of the other trainers says, workout with me, I'll kick your butt. Okay, yeah, sure. Are you guys going to start charging me for this?

Anyway, yesterday I told the new one that I would workout. Legs and abs, well we did legs. But another trainer says - have you tried Tabata, huh??? what's that. 4 minutes - okay, I'll do that before I work out with the other. I'm bouncing between trainers. So I do my four minutes of Hip swing squat tabata thingie... my legs are burning. Okay, let's go finish your legs with the OTHER trainer. Treadmill, walk incline for ten minutes. yokay, no problemo. Now elliptical cycling in six minute level intervals. oh lord. I'm wobbly. But I feel great.

So I'm finished, headed out the door, ask again if anybody saw my arm brace.. YAY they have. and that started the conversation that started this blog. I'm smiling, I have my brace and... my legs are wobbly. Spark on

EDIT::: I'm going to brag a little... I forgot to add. The trainer who worked me on the treadmill and elliptical was counting my reps when I was doing the hip swing thingie and told me while I was climbing the treadmill mountain that I did so many reps on each set. He said that was a lot of reps. I'm like so I did "good?" No, you did GREAT... woo hoo. So I guess I'm getting in shape.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMYBYCHOICE 11/8/2010 9:24AM

    WTG..... keep it up. I am finally starting a serious thing... ready to hear this? I start training tuesday for my first 5k....

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LHIEBEL 10/28/2010 11:51AM

  Way to go--that's great! I haven't worked out all week due to errands! Very motivating!

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PAIGESMAMA 10/28/2010 11:24AM

    Good for you. And free too.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 10/27/2010 7:59PM

    emoticonI love the gym, too! emoticon emoticon emoticonI enjoyed your blog! emoticon

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MINENA1 10/27/2010 3:10PM

    Wow!! Great job!! emoticon Go girl!!

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40PLUSANDFIT 10/27/2010 2:45PM

    okay I won't edit my blog again.. the one who did the Tabata thing with me came up while I was on the treadmill and the other trainer told him, oh did she tell you she had knee surgeries and foot surgeries (whoops, no). He got a little upset..hehehe.. Is there anything else you forgot to tell me? um, no, we're good. :-)

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SHIPESTA 10/27/2010 2:39PM

    woo hoo!

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