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I have a screwed up self-perception (warning: venting)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I lost 10 lbs since my last birthday (my birthday is for the next few hours, whoo hoo! Being on Wed is kinda sad, though). I should be done, happy with where I am. Parents are kinda worried if I lose more weight, and strangers have called me "little". But I'm a girl, and I can't be happy, always nitpicking! Little flab here, little bulge there, get rid of this saddle bag here. But at 5'4" and 120 lbs, I'm pretty much on the lower end of the BMI chart, and this is WITH visible muscles in the arms and legs.

I love my mom, and how brutally honest she is. But growing up, I always heard about how Indian women are soooo skinny, and had A-cups (I have D...ever since I lost weight I gained a cup size...no one told me this!). My cousin and cousin in law are all rail thin, and when I visit the in India, I always feel so fat. I can't really buy street clothes that often, since I'm not built like they all are. I hear about how my mom was soooo skinny, and I have her old sari tops, and I can't get my hands through them because my biceps bulge out, so we have to let them out.

But...I'm NORMAL. I'M HEALTHY. I KNOW THIS! I'm not skinny fat, I'm athletically built. But...I'm also scared of turning into my mom, who gained 60 lbs after having me, and never lost it, and is still trying to lose it. I'm scared of her constant struggle, because if she caught it early, it wouldn't be so bad as it is now. I want to be the skinny fat people, who don't have any muscle, who, if attacked in a back alley, will be murdered, but I can fight. But...I want to be skinny. I want to be tiny. I want to be the dainty one. I LOVE weight training, but that stays on the mat. (Just so there's no misconceptions, my mom admitted that back in the day there was no muscle, and she says that I'm perfect the way I am now...awwwwwww. She's trying to undo some damage...something to keep in mind if you have kids, though, since weight struggles affect them also.)

It's just hard to undo years of my dad telling me to "be a good eater" or having an anorexic aunt constantly comment about our weight, or worrying about gaining weight like my mom, or seeing on tv ultra-skinny people who are walking skeletons. I hate to say it, but I am affected by the media. I see a Crystal Geyser commercial, and I want water. Strong isn't celebrated, weak is. Strong is ridiculed, skinny is healthy, and normal is fat.

My AP Euro teacher once made a comment: eat healthfully most of the time, exercise and be active daily, and be happy with how you turn out. He didn't say it to me, I forgot the context he said it, and I brushed it off at the time before I became a health nut. But somehow, it stuck with me. I try to live this way. I think it's pretty much the best health advice you can give to anyone, period. And I'm trying to live this way, with 1 vigorous hour of exercise, and some daily activity.

Hopefully, this time next year, instead off noticing I dropped 10 lbs, I'll just celebrate deadlifting my weight or doing a full body pullup (yea, still haven't mastered that yet). Men celebrate 1-armed pushups, benching their weight, deadlifting their weight, pistol squatting. I hope that I'll be celebrating that, instead of trying to be skinny.


ps My sister made a vegan cake for me, delish. Vegweb has some weird recipes on it (avocado chocolate pudding?), but the chocolate cake recipe came out great. Funny, though, every time we bake, EVERYONE, including the cook, is more excited about the fruit. Cake was good, but EVERYONE had seconds on the blueberries and strawberries. Blueberries are on sale at Ralphs this week, ya'll! And they're flavorful...hop to it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FAITH__IN__ME 8/16/2011 8:31PM

    120 is on the lower side for your height and if you get any thinner you might be unhealthy. I think if you are afraid of gaining weight and it getting out of control, weight yourself monthly, if you gain a few pounds, manage it at that time instead of letting it go and keep gaining.

Your outlook on life is really unhealthy. You have to be able to love you no matter what anyone says. And if a healthy weight for you is 120, well then that is the girl you should be happy with. If you dont fit into the mold, that is okay. The girls on TV, they should not be role models.

I hope that you stay healthy and not let your obsession with your weight get out of control. Women die because they obsess and lose too much weight. You need weight on your body so that your body can function properly. If you're too thin, your body over compensates and will start stealing from your vital organs.

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TAYGRL 8/7/2011 11:05AM

    i just wanted you to know you've been heard. now, that being said, it's time for you to give everyone and everything that even LOOK at you sideways, the mental "middle finger".

that saying--the one about life being too short--well, it's allllll true!

look at this way--beginning now until forever, if anyone asks--you're gonna be too busy being emoticonJUST the way you are to respond. how 'bout that!?

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CCHELLEZ 7/28/2011 2:27AM

  The only person whose thinking you can change is your own. Unless you have billion dollars and can control the media that is.

You could tally all the things it would take to fit other peoples images. Breast reduction, limp no exercise body.

Doesn't sound like any of the options you listed would really make you happy.
I'm a AA. I could have augmentation. But for who?

Rock on in the body you have. No matter it's condition. Enjoy it, If it becomes unhealthy, move towards health

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I have way too many fitness associations...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

You ever hear a song, and it just instantly makes you happy? It takes you to a time where you were happy, and even though you know the song is bad, because of all the associations you have with that time in your life, you just instantly smile? I have that with Avril Lavigne's song "Complicated". I used to hear it ALL the time when I was driving to class. It's soooooo high school, but it marked the time when my parents FINALLY allowed me to drive, without my sister in the car with me. (I find out later that they followed me. Yea, Indian parents...)

How is this SPARK related? I have the exact same associations with certain songs to doing fitness moves. EVERY TIME I hear Mario's "Let Me Love You", I HAVE to do squats, no matter what. WHY? Because in college, during the warm up for kickboxing, that song ALWAYS came on while we were doing squats. Eye of the Tiger? Front Kicks. "Lose Yourself" by Eminem? Pull-ups. THANK YOU Fitness instructors from college for ruining my music...*she said sarcastically* Yea, it's fun having weird associations like this. [I also created an association for me: Avatar: The Last Airbender + ellipical. I REFUSE to watch this series unless I'm on the ellipical. It's REALLY good, and when I want to find out what happens next, I have to stay on the ellipcial. Yea, I brought this on myself. But it's fun =) ]

On the other hand, I find myself doing fitness moves in my real life. Doing laundry? Yea, that's a squat and an arabesque. (going from top loader to front loader) Reaching for something high? Pointe! I need to reach for something on the TOP level of the kitchen? 1 -legged pistol squat (I do a step up onto the counter, then lower myself down doing the squat. I'm too lazy to find a chair because I'm short.) Carrying groceries? Farmer's walk. Stairs? Take them two at a time and you're emulating lunges. (I physically can't take them 1 at a time anymore. I blame wanting more sleep, being late, and 2 is faster than 1 for this phenomenon.) Public toilet? Isometric squats. (*insert argument that if everyone sat down, there would be no grossness of public toilets*)

So, I guess it's an even trade that I can't listen to music without certain fitness moves HAVING to be done, since to live my life, I HAVE to do certain fitness moves. But these darn associations are getting out of hand. Like getting caught dancing to Stray Cat Strut at a gas station during a road trip. Or the popcorn dance in the ladies room.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JWAYNE90 8/1/2011 11:21AM

    Thats really funny. emoticon
Whenever I hear almost anything Kanye (specifically Jesus Walks and Stronger) I feel like I should be running! It always motivaes me.

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Making my vices work for me

Thursday, August 12, 2010

So, I recently got braces (so I'll be 30 by the time I'm done with a retainer). I don't get to eat bagels (I find this out after my family re-discovers bagels after a 5 year hiatus), no popcorn (apparently they get caught in the teeth), and no sugar (this I'm OK with, since I gave up processed sugar for a month with no problem). My only concern with the latter is that I satisfied my sweet tooth with dried fruits (which is also verboten!). AARGH! My Dad: you know, Tejal, your doctor is punishing you. Um, thanks Daddy.

So, I'm eating less now, not because my braces hurt (apparently, I'm a bad*ss), but because I'm too lazy to brush my teeth after EVERY SINGLE meal/snack. I read somewhere that Pamela Anderson (Lee?) did this to keep from over eating, and it does work. I'm making my laziness work for me. This lead to me think, what are some of my other vices that end up helping me?

IMPATIENCE: I'm impatient. I will not look around for a good parking spot, I will take the first one I see and walk, instead of driving for a good spot. I will not wait for an elevator, I would rather have action now and go up the stairs. Once on the stairs, 2 at a time. (You get used to 2 at a time, it's hard to revert back to one at a time. I first started doing this because of another vice: tardiness. 2 at a time is simply faster, even when you account for slowing down because you want to be careful.)

CHEAP: I'm a cheapskate. I will not pay money to be fat. There goes my junkfood. If I want bad food, I will make it. Since I'm lazy, it doesn't happen that often, so I rarely eat junk food. But when I do, it's SCRUMPTIOUS.

EASILY DISTRACTED: Eating junk food, only good for a few bites (law of marginal returns). Then I get bored, and need something else. I can't single-task with the tv, so I'll surf at the same time, or hop on the bike and elliptical machine.

IT MUST TASTE GOOD: Food must taste good. No low fat or substitutes. If I'm going to have bad food, it's going to be satisfying, so that I only need a few bites. This way, no tricking myself into thinking "It's healthy, so I can eat more." Apparently, you also keep more nutrients than if you were to process it just to make something low calorie. This trumps my cheapness because I will pay for high quality food, but only if it's high quality.

I HATE FOOD SHOPPING: I hate grocery shopping. So when I go, I only grab the items I need, and get out. No impulse items to purchase. I literally have no idea what's in the middle aisles of the store. Everything you could possibly need is in the periphery.

I HATE CLEANING: I don't mind tidying/de-cluttering, but I hate using cleaning products. This reduces my chemical exposure. On the flip side, if something requires to be cleaned, simply run a wet rag over it. It's usually enough. If something needs more power than than a wet rag, vinegar and baking soda (not together) should take care of it.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I really hope this doesn't come off sounding smug, but I've been thinking of this for a while. Once I recognize and embrace certain vices, I can make them work for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KWRIGHT26 8/12/2010 9:42PM

    That got me thinking about my ice cream habit.

I want to eat ice cream, but if I want to eat it I'm going to have to watch the rest of my meals and snacks and make sure I work out for a minimum of 30 minutes every day.

What a refreshing way to see things!

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DARACOX 8/12/2010 7:35PM

    This is such a great post! I especially like the bit about food having to taste good. I totally agree. No low fat dairy type dessert for me! I'd rather have 1/2 cup of the good stuff then a whole carton of that weird stuff. emoticon

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BETTYHAYES 8/12/2010 6:42PM

    I absolutely love this. It's such a good way to utilise your vices rather than beating yourself up about them.. now if only I can attempt to consider my own vices with such logic... hmm...

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Huh, goal reached, huzzah

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

So, I joined on 7/24/09, and spark told me that I needed to lose 12 lbs (from 145-133), and even though I was within an acceptable BMI range. Apparently, I reached it, yes!

Ya know how they say you can't out-run a bad diet? Yea, it's true. It just took me a while to realize that, because I didn't have a bad diet. I lost 20 lbs in college because I started exercising more, not improved diet. This past year, when I dropped down to the low 130, THAT's when I realized that, oh, I lost weight from eating the same thing, just less. And once in a while feeling hungry, instead of forcing myself to eat. So, yea, maybe I'll try to set a goal for another 10 lbs for this time next year, and keep with the whole eat when I'm hungry, not at a certain time thing, and see how that works out.

And maybe improve with the whole tracking thing. It's just REALLY HARD to track, since I'm Indian and eat homemade Indian food, and none of the processed junk on the lists that are online. When I did try to meticulously track down all my calories, I realized that, including breakfast, I only ate 1250 calories/day. So, yea, I ain't touching that. No wonder Indians in India are so skinny: no American junk food, drink tea when they're hungry (Oh, how I love tea, but I act like I'm on crack when on caffeine), and all that walking. No wonder all my relatives gain 30 lbs once there here. Bah.

Here's to new goals!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FUTUREMD87 8/3/2010 6:08PM

    Interesting... I'm Indian too but it seems like indian food I see are drizzling in oil, and carbs...ok not all of it but I realized I gain more from eating a lot of curd, rice, potatoes, etc. Anyway, good job in losing :)

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BEVERLYRULE 8/3/2010 5:11PM

    It is very interesting to me how different cultures adapt to american culture and how their eating habits are so different. I cook mostly home cooked meals and my family recipes are not listed on the spark list of food. What I did find though is the list is useful for listing out ingredients....Also you can create your own recipe. As long as you indicate what a serving size is - and that is what you eat it is pretty accurate. :)

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Wheeee, first post!

Monday, December 07, 2009

Okie dokie, first post!

Yea, exciting =)