2BASWAN   17,627
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2BASWAN's Recent Blog Entries

Tue May 5/09: Depressed & Lethargic

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) Paul putting up with my mood changes...all over the place right now

I did these things well...
1) I forced myself to get out of bed at 8:00 p.m. and exercise even though I felt really depressed and didn't want to do anything
2) I rode my spin bike for 12 minutes
3) I rode my recumbent bike for 8 minutes

Weight Watchers Summary
27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
33 Points Eaten (1,650 cal)
6 Points Over (600 cal)
3 Activity Points - spin bike, recumbent bike (249 cal burned) at 8:00 p.m.

992 Steps

8 1/2 cups of water, 2 fruit, 6 veggies

8:00 a.m. got up - 7 1/2 hrs sleep - 12:00-3:00 p.m. bed - 6:00-8:00 p.m. bed - 11:30 p.m. went to bed, then got up at 12:30 a.m. & was up until 5:00 a.m. (really depressed today)

3 Morning Pages Written: no
Play Mind Habits Game: no
Listen to Motivating Song: no

I'm writing this a day later, so I'll just sum up the day as follows: depressed, tired, pain in hip, coughing, headache, self loathing, anger at myself. Went over my points today all because I was craving oatmeal and peanut butter. Pissed me off because I had exercised and now I feel that was all for naught.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-WISPY- 5/6/2009 10:43PM

    You noted the three things you did well. This is a great positive start to build on and you also mentioned other great things you did for yourself.
Just start over again right now, and keep thinking positive as often as you can. Just one day at a time, it does all add up.

I know how hard it can be to focus on the present moment and just do what is in front of you. But I find it does pay off. And it pays off the most of the days you REALLY do not want to do it.

Thank you for sharing.
Hugs Wispy.

Comment edited on: 5/6/2009 10:45:04 PM

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Mon May 4/09: I Realized That I Do Deserve To Ride My New Spin Bike

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) being able to talk with Nikki on the phone today to hear how she is doing health wise
2) my friend Tara telling me I was dramatic about my spin bike; I told her I felt the bike was too good for me, that I didn't deserve to ride this beautiful, new item. She then told me to use the energy from the bike to go into my bike so that I would feel good and beautiful. She made me laugh and it was because of her that I did get on my spin bike tonight.

I did these things well...
1) I setup my spin bike for my body
2) I rode my spin bike

Weight Watchers Summary
27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
14 Points Eaten (700 cal)
13 Points Under (650 cal)
3 3/4 Activity Points - spin bike, recumbent bike (196 cal burned)

n/a Steps (will input tomorrow)

11 3/4 cups of water, 3 fruit, 0 veggies

12:40 p.m. got up - 9 hrs sleep - 11:00 p.m. went to bed, fell asleep around ??

3 Morning Pages Written: no
Play Mind Habits Game: no
Listen to Motivating Song: Lift by Shannon Noll, Shine by Shannon Noll, Proud by Heather Small, I Need A Wake Up by Melissa Etheridge

Okay, so I didn't get up at 8 or 9 a.m. as I'd planned, but that's okay because I did accomplish most of what I wanted. Listening to the motivating songs, singing along with the lyrics reminded me that I can get healthy, I can lose this weight, I can push through the resistance.

When I did get on the spin bike, I watched The Biggest Loser Australia 4 which of course motivates me to push on. What I didn't count on was my heart rate going to 75% of my MHR, not being able to breathe and worst of all, the pain in my groin from the seat. I was shocked I could only last 12 minutes my first try. I mean I was able to do 30 minutes without much problem on the recumbent bike, but holy cow, that 12 minutes on the spin bike was a killer. But you know what? I really liked it! I returned later in the evening and did another 5 minutes, this time standing up now and then. It was fun!

I know my calories in was really low today, but I had trouble getting in all my food from sleeping in late. I'm going to get up at 8 a.m. tomorrow so I can eat by 9 a.m.

I weighed myself this morning and it read 232.2 lbs. I was shocked and angered at myself. That's 5 lbs up since Saturday morning. So, I'm going to work my hardest to get rid of it before Saturday when I go to Weight Watchers...sure not going to miss another meeting because that only results in my binging.

Boy, do I ever complicate my life!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 5/5/2009 10:33AM

    Yes, I was up, too! Back on track we go.

I'm grateful for SP friends like you.
I'm grateful for being able to make a clean start today--the power is in the present, yes?
I'm grateful for my husband going to work today when he really, really, really didn't want to.

See what you've taught me. I'm working on coming up with things I did well! Um, I gave you an honest and heartfelt response?

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Sat May 2/09 & Sun May 3/09 : Insatiable Desire For Sugar Which I Gave Into

Monday, May 04, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) Paul doing the weekly grocery shopping always getting everything I write down
2) Paul making my turnip (I must sound like a loser because Paul does these things for me, but I have no energy to do anything and with the depression as it is I'd sleep all day if I could. I'm just so grateful that Paul helps me out in ways that allow me to eat healthy. He's so good to me and I love him so much for it.)

I did these things well...
1) posted every morsel of food I overate on Sat - normally, I don't do this so I'm not forced to be accountable
2) setup my new pedometer installing the software on my computer (so cool that it shows steps taken each hour!)

Weight Watchers Summary
27....27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal each day)
49....30 Points Eaten (2,450 cal...950 cal)
22..... 3 Points Over (over by 1,100 cal...150 cal)
0.......0 Activity Points - cleaning house, sweeping floors

n/a Steps (new pedometer, so will be recording starting Mon)

Sat: 6 cups of water, 3 fruit, 0 veggies
Sun: 7 1/2 cups of water, 1 fruit, 4 veggies

Sat: 12:40 p.m. got up - 8 1/2 hrs sleep - 11:00 p.m. went to bed, but got up within an hour and was up all night
Sun: 7:00 a.m. went to bed, fell asleep around 8:00 a.m.; got up at 5:30 p.m.; about 9 1/2 hrs sleep; went to bed 3:00 a.m.

Morning Pages Written: no for Sat & Sun
Mind Habits Game: no for Sat & Sun
Listen to Motivating Songs: no for Sat & Sun

So, what happened on Saturday? I was feeling so depressed and had no energy to do anything. I loathed what I looked like, how I let myself get to obese class II, how I would be embarrassed when I went for my hiatus hernia surgery in a couple of weeks and the doctor would see that I hadn't lost any weight - I was still fat. This added to the fact that I didn't go to the Chronic Pain Management program or Weight Watchers on Saturday morning, let me filled with rage and thoughts of punishing myself. So, what better way to do that than to eat and eat and eat. 22 points over my allowable, 49 points eaten in one day; that's about 2,450 calories and 1,100 calories over budget. One thing I did notice was that my desire for sugar was unbelievable. It was like I couldn't get enough. The stress and craving for sugar must be linked. I'm going to look into that.

Sunday was a better day. I felt more rested with the sleep and I accepted the events of Saturday without too much punishment. Paul had been shopping so it was wonderful to see so much yummy, healthy food in the cupboard.

Boy, I have a lot of calories to burn this week because I refuse to see a gain on Friday from what I ate on Saturday. I'm going to push myself and sweat off those fat calories on my new spin bike.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UNSURE 5/4/2009 7:27PM

    .Thanks for being so Truthful about your food. I know it isn't easy to share that but it will help you in the long run. Pick your self up dust yourself off and go on form where you are. In time you will be praising yourself. Until then we are here for you and will tell you to keep on doing what you know you should be doing.

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ASH72461 5/4/2009 5:55AM

  ifind with a sweet tooth the size of mine
it is so much better to include one sweet each day in the calorie range
susch as a cupcake ,ice cream cone or just a small bite size piece of candy
otherwise i would not have lost a single pound
you can do this hon
just remember half of the battle is getting started for exercise
it will give you more energy once you have exericed emoticon emoticon

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Fri May 1/09 - Just Cant' Stomach Being Me

Saturday, May 02, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) Tara phoned me today waking me up in time for me to make it to my physio appt - thank goodness
2) Paul was able to go to Vancouver to help Martina move and spend time with both girls

I did these things well...
1) swept, swiffered, cleaned the main floor

Weight Watchers Summary

27 Points Allowed (1,350 calories)
25 Points Eaten (1,250 calories)
2 Points Left Over (100 calories)
1 Activity Points - cleaning house, sweeping floors

? Steps (get new pedometer on Sat)

6 cups of water, 3 fruit, 0 veggies

12:40 p.m. got up - 8 1/2 hrs sleep
11:00 p.m. went to bed (met goal of going to bed by midnight)

Morning Pages Written: no

I feel so depressed today. It happened at physiotherapy of all places. I pushed myself to clean the main floor and I'm glad I did, but improve my mood it did not. I did my new stretches to loosen my hips, glutes and quads and it was so painful. That only added to my depression.

I'm just feeling 'why bother.' I mean since Jan 2nd, I've only lost 11.6 lbs, not a helluva lot in 3 months. I had intended to have lost 30 lbs, but no, I kept screwing it up. So, yeah, I know, focus on the moment and that I back on track, but my mind just can't get wrapped around it. I'm so disgusted with how I look and feel. Leaving the house is so hard because I'm embarrassed to be seen. At physio, I felt so self conscious with her touching my body because I kept thinking how much harder she had to press to reach the trigger point below layers upon layers of fat. Then my flexibility was so poor because all I ever do is sit on my ass that I had great difficulty holding my leg in a certain position. To top it off, I passed gas, the loudest noise when I lifted my leg. This just added to the humiliation.

I still need to do a lot of reading for the Chronic Pain Management group tomorrow, but I just don't care and don't want to. I'll make myself read because I know I should.

Paul's away in Vancouver with the girls. Kind of glad he gets a night away from me, away from my depression, away from my fat, away from everything about me. I'm despicable. I mean even the dogs are not sitting with me. They are all out in the garage waiting for Paul to come home. Even while I was cleaning, they were outside. When Paul cleans, they watch him. But not me. What kind of person must I be that my own dogs avoid me?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UNSURE 5/3/2009 9:13AM

    I know when I get this way I can only ask for prayers from oothers for I need to be lifted up to the Lord. So I will lift you up. Since it been two days I hope that your mood has change and doing better today. With the Lord all things are possible. God Bless Pat

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/2/2009 9:27AM

    Oh my, I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I get like that sometimes too but it is getting better. Try to focus on the positive and stop the negative thoughts in their tracks. When we are depressed, it is like a cloud has discended and it's hard to see through the fog. Try to see through that cloud - lift it and let the light in. When you get a negative thought - think Stop and replace it with a positive one.

Take your journey one day at a time and focus on lil steps - i.e. just for today I will drink all my water, or just for today I will think only positive thoughts and enjoy the beauty around me; letting the light in.

I hope you feel better soon.

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BEEJAY49 5/2/2009 7:24AM

    It's easy for someone to tell you not to be depressed and it'll pass, but it doesn't always work that way. Think of your good qualities and focus on them. Wake up in the morning with a smile on your face if you feel like it or not and give yourself a hug, it'll help get the day started on the right foot. :) Take each day as it comes and live in the moment. Your dogs, they are feeling your depression so they will stay away. Relax around them and they will relax around you! :)

Think of the things you're grateful for and focus on those. You're losing weight even though it's not as fast as you would like. None of us can drop it that fast and it took me a really long time to lose what I did, and it was a long and hard journey. You will get there! Hang in there and trust yourself! HUGS!

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    Hi! Your blog caught my eye on the Anxiety Team forum. I recognize your feelings and know how soul crushing they can be. Dont forget: they really are temporary. Also, I'm envious of your weight loss! I've been gaining, although not as quickly as I might, thanks to Spark People. A simple, silly thing I learned on Spark people is to read motivational quotes. Google "motivational quotes" or substitute any problem, such as procrastination quotes, and your will get pages of inspiration. Good luck! emoticon

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-WISPY- 5/2/2009 1:52AM

    My dear new friend, whether we ever chat again or not, I know where you are coming from. I hear you.

I have suffered with depression all my life and I do mean exactly that, as far back as I can remember. And I always used food when a child to make me feel - nothing!! To get rid of that "awful awful feeling" and the words that went with it, I was useless, ugly, a nuisance, bad, bad, bad and it was my own fault nobody could love me.

It took many manny years and a lot of kind and loving people in my adult life who gradually led me into new ways of thinking. It did not happen overnight.
It took a while, and every single step has been worth it a million times over.

In some of my blogs if you wish to you can read more of my life journey.

If you need a friend, and someone who has been there and come out the other side feel free to sparkmail me.

Warm hugs Wispy.

Comment edited on: 5/2/2009 1:53:53 AM

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Thu Apr 30/09 - Feeling Rotten

Friday, May 01, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) Paul setting up my new spin bike
2) The Canucks beat Chicago 5-3
3) a nice comfy bed that will keep me warm and cozy while I feel ill

I did these things well...
1) drove to Victoria to pick up spin bike despite feeling really depressed and wanting to stay home

Weight Watchers Summary

27 Points Allowed
21 Points Eaten
6 Points Left Over
0 Activity Points

? Steps

8 3/4 cups of water, 1 fruit, 1 veggies

12:30 p.m. got up - 8 1/2 hrs sleep
10:00 p.m. went to bed (met goal of going to bed by midnight)

Morning Pages Written: no

I feel rotten. My throat is really sore, I have zero energy, a slight headache and nausea, plus moments of extreme heat then cold. I don't have the energy to even write here, but I want to be consistent with my daily postings.

Paul leaves for Vancouver at 7 a.m. tomorrow to help Martina move. He won't be home until Saturday afternoon. I'm going to miss him and I hate being alone, so maybe this will be good for me. Who knows.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RENA1965 5/1/2009 12:51AM

    Hi 2baswan,
Keep busy and the time will fly before he is home again.. Make it a all you time and use the time wisely....
I love alone time from my two ADHD kids, I go to the gym, get some sun and go window shopping or comb garage sales for stuff I can use..
I had to keep myself busy like this since my hubby died, so if I feel down I am out of the house and doing my thing. Feeling alone and down opens the doors to stuff I don't need entering my mouth... hugs Rena

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