2BASWAN   17,627
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2BASWAN's Recent Blog Entries

Wed Apr 29/09 - I Loved Exercising Tonight!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Food points are low again..damn. I'm looking at my day's food, and I ate so many things with low point values ie: Yves salami slices & chicken pieces. I just wasn't hungry to eat more. Now, at this moment, 11:18 p.m., I do feel that tinge of hunger calling, but I can't give into it because I'm going to bed at midnight and I don't want food sitting in my stomach. I may have a slice of fat free cheese as it has 5 gr protein and only 1 point. This would be good before and after my biking. Maybe after, I'll include an apple. Yeah, that sounds good. I'll add that to my points now.

I'm feeling more focused with my whole healthy lifestyle thing. The eating is getting a bit better, and tonight will be 2 nights in a row of biking, so that's a great start. Drinking water could improve, so I'll work on that tomorrow. It's nice not to feel panicked about food and exercise. I haven't a clue how the next day will be, but for now, I'll take this positive feeling and live in this very moment. Okay, now off to bike, want to get in as many minutes as I can to be in bed by my goal time of midnight.

Alrighty then, biking didn't happen until 12:00 a.m., so needless to say I wasn't in bed, but that's just fine. I feel absolutely fantastic, soaked in sweat and exhausted...boy I really did miss exercising! My goodness...did I say that?!

I'm Grateful For.....
1) finding the excellent FREE downloadable spin bike videos...yeah!!!
2) having a nice phone call with Martina tonight
3) Paul bathing Molly & Bree for me
4) a good phone call with Tara with plans to talk tomorrow

I did these things well...
1) eating super healthy; yeah for spinach!
2) finished my laundry
3) didn't go back to bed this afternoon even though the urge was strong
4) took all my supplements and vitamins
5) I biked 30 minutes, then stretched out my body!

Weight Watchers Summary

27 Points Allowed
19 Points Eaten
8 Points Left Over
2 Activity Points: 30 min recumbent bike moderate pace @ 12:15 a.m.

2,650 Steps

10 1/4 cups of water, 2 fruit, 8 veggies

12:30 p.m. got up - 10 hrs sleep
3:15 a.m. went to bed (didn't meet 12:00 a.m. goal)

Morning Pages Written: no

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 4/30/2009 7:12PM

    I love your accounting of various items. I think I shall use some of them such as what I did right and what good things happened--and what I'm grateful for. So often, all I account for is whether I was "good" or "bad" with my eating that day. Life is like your Spark page color--not white or black but some combination--purple sounds about right!

Thanks for this blog entry. I appreciate it.

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Tue Apr 28/09 - A Learning Day

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Well, I sure as heck did not eat enough food today for sure! I got obsessed with researching spin bikes and before I knew it, 4:45 p.m. rolled around and Paul was home. I don't know why I do this because not eating or drinking will only screw up my metabolism more than it already is. Well, today is over, so I'm going to move on.

I'm Grateful For.....
1) the wonderful phone call I had with Ang in England this morning
2) the so supportive emails from Lynn in Ontario that gave me the push I needed today
3) a really great, loving email from Paul reminding me to pick the spin bike I want and not what I think he wants

I did these things well...
1) I got up at 10:30 a.m.
2) I realized what I was doing with my eating, and got back on track this evening
3) I found a spin bike I really like for a good price...$300 off!
4) I biked for 15 minutes before bed even though it was the last thing I wanted to do nearing 1:00 a.m.

Weight Watchers Summary

27 Points Allowed (1,350 calories)
13 Points Eaten (650 calories)
14 Points Left Over (700 calories)

6 3/4 cups of water

Activity Points 1: recumbent bike for 15 minutes at a moderate pace at 12:45 a.m.

10:30 a.m. got up & actually stayed up all day
1:15 a.m. went to bed

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UNSURE 4/29/2009 11:05AM

    Great that you are on track, keep it up.

Comment edited on: 4/30/2009 12:55:08 PM

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Feeling Lost and Alone

Friday, April 10, 2009

I returned to Weight Watchers tonight and saw a 2.6 lb gain in two weeks. So, now my new weight loss total is 8 lbs since January 2nd. I feel disappointed in myself to say the least. At the meeting I said I had a bad week, but the leader told me it was a learning week. She asked what I learned and my reply was that I realized I need to attend the meetings. Attending gives me accountability and a weekly reminder of why I'm trying to lose weight

I feel all over the place. I changed my username yet again and removed all the friends from my page. I do this every so often when the depression gets to a point of complete self hatred and wanting to disappear. Now here I sit, feeling alone and lonely, all by my own doing. I've joined a bunch of teams again, but I just don't know where to start.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 4/24/2009 6:49PM

    I'm so happy that you joined some teams again. I'm especially happy that you are on the Sudoku Lover's team. The only thing I can recommend, beyond what you've done emoticon is to post to those teams and strengthen your relationships here at SP. I feel for you because I struggle with depression and anxiety--and gaining/losing weight over and over again--too. I support you. Please feel free to write me or let me know if there is anything I can do. Don't go away!

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TIFFLE52 4/11/2009 8:34AM

    Congratulations for sticking with it and for verbalizing your feelings on this blog. Try not to look at the past and look to the future instead. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 4/10/2009 11:51AM

    Kudos to you for attending your meeting - I need mine too. When I feel like not going, then I know that's probably the meeting I need to attend so I go and feel the better for it.

Where do you start? Well, there is no start to a continuing journey - so take a deep breath and just continue. Today is a fresh day on this journey of ours. One day at a time, one choice at a time, one step at a time - it's all good. Life throws curve balls but it continues.

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CAPECODSANDI 4/10/2009 5:48AM

    Cathie~You are not alone. You cannot keep beating yourself up!!!! You made some progress in knowing that you need to attend your meetings. I have been avoiding mine like the plague! You know what you need to do, so pull up your boot straps and march on, DO NOT look back. It is when we are not making progress and the scale is going in the wrong direction that we need our meetings the most!!!! Good luck to you my friend! emoticon
Sandi

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LUCKY229 4/10/2009 4:06AM

  Hi there,
I wish i had better advice for you, but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I read your blog and about me and I thought, she could just as easily be describing my life because that is exactly how i am. It's a constant struggle but you are strong just for being on here and making the effort to make positive changes in your life!
-C

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SARABBIT 4/10/2009 3:50AM

    Jean-Paul Sarte, once said, "If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company."
But I doubt that is so, as you seem like quite a lovely person.
Anyways, if I may be as brash as to interject my own opinion here, being I too am a perfectionist:
Your eyes are set on the front of your head, as to allow you to look forward, without ever looking back. You have to put the past behind you--so you messed up a bit, and maybe haven't been as successful as you wished to be by now--but you can change that, so that maybe next month at this time, you don't feel the same way.

Although you may not want to admit it, and maybe I have no right to do so either, but the leader of your WW group was right: if you can take something from this week, and make something of this week, even with it being unsuccessful in completing the goals you set forth with, it was a successful week nonetheless.

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My Virtual Walk - Circle Canada - Just Starting

Tuesday, March 24, 2009



I am participating in a virtual walk of Canada as part of the challenge on the SparkPeole 8 Week Battle #3 RED Team. The total trip is 8968 mi. I have walked 17 miles since March 16th.

Information about Canada:

Location: North America, Surrounded by Atlantic Ocean on the East, Pacific Ocean on the West, Arctic Ocean on the North, United States on the South, Alaska, U.S. on North West.
Size 3,854,085 square miles, World's 2nd largest county, Continent's largest country.
Federation: 10 Provinces, 2 Territories
Population 33,594,000
Motto "From Sea to Sea"
National Anthem "O Canada"
Capital City: Ottawa, Ontario.
Official Languages: English, French
Government: Democracy, Constitutional Monarchy
Leader: Prime Minister Steven Harper
Vehicles Drive On The: Right Side of the Road
Established: July 1, 1867
Weather: The southern west coast has a mild, rainy winter, while the rest of Canada experiences snow and cold weather. Summers are warm across the country. The eastern part of Canada has beautiful fall colours
Inventions: hockey, basketball, electric light bulb, electric range, electron microscope, standard time, television, telephone, zipper, Canada Arm on the Space Station, insulin, pacemaker, Pictionary game, Superman, Trivial Pursuit game
Famous Slang Word: eh
Symbols: maple leaf, beaver, moose, common loon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAYLINSTEPHENS 5/20/2009 2:59PM

    I have been trying to locate this walk and found your blog through google, lol.

Could you send me an invite to the team you are walking with please? Even if the walk is over, I am looking for Virtual Walks for one of my teams.

Thanks,
Hugs,
Linda

**edit: LoL, I went to your SparkPage and found the team! Thanks!!

Comment edited on: 5/20/2009 3:06:16 PM

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FIREFROG76 3/24/2009 3:55PM

    This is a wonderful idea! I may have to try something similar..this is through SP isn't it?

I think you're going to do great!

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THEREIMERS 3/24/2009 11:34AM

  I liked this blog - needs a correction though.
Established: July 1, 1867
Weather: All of Canada has a beautiful summer. Eastern Canada has unbelievable fall colours.

I really believe every Canadian should drive across Canada at least once.
Enjoy your walk. emoticon

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GLORYLIGHT57 3/24/2009 10:36AM

    Hi Cathie, My, my, my...what a beautiful place to walk. The fact sheet was very interesting; I wouldn't mind joining you. Put on these walking shoes and have a nice, refreshing walk.

emoticon emoticon

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This Picture Hides The Truth

Tuesday, March 17, 2009



It's 10:15 p.m. and I feel like I'm going to explode. You know, the type where your stomach tightens and an acid taste builds in your mouth. It feels like a loud animalistic noise will screech from my throat if I open my mouth.

Keep typing. Yup, that's the thing to do.

I attached a picture of myself with the new haircut I got a week ago. I like this picture. A rarity for sure. I like my hair. I actually look happy in this photo. I think I was. Yeah, it was a week ago Monday and Iíd spent the afternoon downtown Sidney looking for the perfect gifts for Lynn when I happened upon my salon. The rest of the story is evident.

So now, here I sit one week later, frustrated to the point of shaving my head because I couldnít get my hair to look like the photo this morning. I tell myself I didnít have the straightening gel, so of course my hair is puffier. Iíve always been so uncoordinated when it comes to styling my hair which is why I never do a damned thing to it. I feel so ugly with all of this weight on me. 227.8 Thatís a whooping 11.8 lbs lost since January 1st. Iím being mature and accepting the loss, but f***, itís still 77.8 lbs away from my goal. And I still weigh over 200 lbs! Thatís what disgusts me the most, weighing over 200 lbs.

I took a photo of myself tonight and as usual was shocked at the image. At least I donít look full term pregnant like I did in January; now, itís about 5 months pregnant. I donít feel attractive and I miss that. I know Iím married and shouldnít really care if anyone looks at me, but I do. I remember what it felt like to have a man gaze at me and I want that to happen again. Sure, I can dress nice, do my best to make my hair look like the above image, but no man looks at me in that way anymore. Not even my husband.

That hurts the most.

So, lifeís not fair. But I have no one to blame for my situation but myself. I chose to binge on peanut butter, Starbucks ginger cookies, butter tarts, banana bread, cereal and milk. The results of my binging are 77.8 lbs of jelly like fat that gives me two stomachs, big boobs, large ass, thick legs and round face. Then thereís my laziness. Iíd sat on my ass for years and now that equates to aches in every joint and with every movement. Trying to move around my load takes a lot of energy and I am definitely lacking in that area. I hear myself. Iím feeling sorry for myself.

Enough of that s*** girl! Stop your f****** whining and get with the plan!

Taking this journey one day at a time is so slow and impossible to accept with patience and perseverance. Iím so sick of reading how itís the journey, not the destination that is most important, to focus on this moment and to accept that the process is slow and steady. I want what the Biggest Loser offers Ė 6 hrs per day of pure hell in physical activity with a trainer that pushes you to the brink and beyond. Iím not working, I could do this. I think of it every night before I fall asleep and plan how I will take this approach in the morning. Well, the next day arrives, I sleep most of it away because Iíve been awake all night, and exercising, f***, I havenít even given it a thought.

No, my routine is 15 minutes of biking on my indoor recumbent bike at a light speed per my physiotherapistís instructions. She permits me to do this twice each day. Following this, I do my stretches, balancing exercises and core work that she has given me, which takes 15 minutes. What do I actually do? First two days, I follow her instructions 100%, the third day I bike at a moderate pace working up a sweat and add additional stretches. Why do I do this to myself? I want to move without pain now, not a few months from now.

Iím obsessed with how I looked seven years ago. I was slim, could wear short skirts, cute hats, tank tops and best of all, I felt and looked sexy. I could see the eyes of men and women looking at me and I loved it. No, I craved it. The thing about it is that who I was seven years ago is dead. I cannot recreate her for she doesnít exist.

So, whatís left?

On the exterior is an obese 47 year old woman who walks with her head down avoiding eye contact at all costs. I avoid going anywhere to be with people because of the shame and disgust I feel at how I let myself fall apart. I notice that Iím the minority in the public and now when Iím looked at itís because I am different. Iím big. Iím fat. Iím ugly. Gone are the gazes. Now it is stares.

The depression and anxiety are like a roller coaster and Iím always terrified of moving towards upwards. Each jerk pulls my body deeper into my mind so that by the time Iím at the top, there is but a minuscule piece of me left. I look down and before I can take a breath, I am tumbling faster and faster until I crash at the bottom, landing in a murky, sticky brown puddle. Try as I might, I cannot lift my arms or body to rise. I am mired in this mess, my mess and right now I feel trapped, unable to find my way out.

Now I ponder my situation. I do have a choice. Continue or give up. I will continue. I donít like it. In fact, I hate it so much that I have the urge to vomit. Iíll trudge forward and hope that Iíll figure out how to get out of the mud that encases my body and mind.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KV711LAW 3/17/2009 7:26PM

   
Cathie I feel your pain and know what that feels like. Thanks for sharing your journey. You can help others, and will. Put you at the top of the list.

One thing I always noticed when I came to you page is your smile. You just light up from the inside out. I smile back, and "thank-you" for You being here!

emoticon, kelli

p.s. I can never make my hair look like the hairdresser! It is a evil plot- don't give in! lol.

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HPLANDER 3/17/2009 11:34AM

    I know how you feel. I started at 212 pounds and on a 5'3 form I looked pregnant. I actually had more than one person ask me when I was due. All of my weight sits right in my abdomen. Well I am on this weight loss journey as well and I have lost 28 pounds. It is hard work, but I have went from a size 18/20 to a 12 and still have a long way to go. I too longed to have someone look at me as if I were attractive. I have been married 19 years and now my husband is giving some second glances and I have noticed a few men at the gym looking at me a little longer than they would have when I was in the 200's. I have found that the key to success in this journey is to not beat up on yourself. You can not change the past. It is what it is, but you are making your future one day at a time. You can do this. It was 2 months before anyone noticed that I was losing weight, but one day everyone started commenting. I am exciting now because I know when I lose 30-50 more pounds I could actually look hot again. You can do this. Be nice to yourself. You deserve your best.

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JHEARD7 3/17/2009 7:48AM

    i'm twenty five and feel disgusted as well because i am over 200 hundred puonds. but i keep telling myself this didnt happen over night and wont go away over night, we just have to stick to it. and at times when we are feeling like you are now, always remeber your spark family, we all have felt the way you feel now wether it is 200 pounds 180 pounds, 150 we all know how that feels. just know everyday is another day that you get to take towards your goal, and the mess ups and fall backs only make you stronger and want it more.. emoticon

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FIREFROG76 3/17/2009 2:49AM

    I like you. All I know if you is what I read, but I like you!
You have a foul mouth (something I have to say I can relate to) and you have some steel to you (as in your whole back bone!) You will walk with your head up high, I know it and so do you. That is why you choose to continue, to not give in and give up!
You are right, the woman you were 7 years ago is long gone. But the woman inside you and the woman you are changing into..she would kick the **** out of the woman you were 7 years ago and completely blow everyone else away.
Your husband. strangers on the street..everyone will gaze at you. Do you know why? Because you choose to not give up!
Your resolute will is inspiring! You have lost 11 pounds, that is nothing to shake a stick at. But you have gained something else...a serious case of self worth! YOU are worth continuing on for!

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