Thursday, April 30, 2009
Food points are low again..damn. I'm looking at my day's food, and I ate so many things with low point values ie: Yves salami slices & chicken pieces. I just wasn't hungry to eat more. Now, at this moment, 11:18 p.m., I do feel that tinge of hunger calling, but I can't give into it because I'm going to bed at midnight and I don't want food sitting in my stomach. I may have a slice of fat free cheese as it has 5 gr protein and only 1 point. This would be good before and after my biking. Maybe after, I'll include an apple. Yeah, that sounds good. I'll add that to my points now.
I'm feeling more focused with my whole healthy lifestyle thing. The eating is getting a bit better, and tonight will be 2 nights in a row of biking, so that's a great start. Drinking water could improve, so I'll work on that tomorrow. It's nice not to feel panicked about food and exercise. I haven't a clue how the next day will be, but for now, I'll take this positive feeling and live in this very moment. Okay, now off to bike, want to get in as many minutes as I can to be in bed by my goal time of midnight.
Alrighty then, biking didn't happen until 12:00 a.m., so needless to say I wasn't in bed, but that's just fine. I feel absolutely fantastic, soaked in sweat and exhausted...boy I really did miss exercising! My goodness...did I say that?!
I'm Grateful For.....
1) finding the excellent FREE downloadable spin bike videos...yeah!!!
2) having a nice phone call with Martina tonight
3) Paul bathing Molly & Bree for me
4) a good phone call with Tara with plans to talk tomorrow
I did these things well...
1) eating super healthy; yeah for spinach!
2) finished my laundry
3) didn't go back to bed this afternoon even though the urge was strong
4) took all my supplements and vitamins
5) I biked 30 minutes, then stretched out my body!
Weight Watchers Summary
27 Points Allowed
19 Points Eaten
8 Points Left Over
2 Activity Points: 30 min recumbent bike moderate pace @ 12:15 a.m.
10 1/4 cups of water, 2 fruit, 8 veggies
12:30 p.m. got up - 10 hrs sleep
3:15 a.m. went to bed (didn't meet 12:00 a.m. goal)
Morning Pages Written: no
Friday, April 10, 2009
I returned to Weight Watchers tonight and saw a 2.6 lb gain in two weeks. So, now my new weight loss total is 8 lbs since January 2nd. I feel disappointed in myself to say the least. At the meeting I said I had a bad week, but the leader told me it was a learning week. She asked what I learned and my reply was that I realized I need to attend the meetings. Attending gives me accountability and a weekly reminder of why I'm trying to lose weight
I feel all over the place. I changed my username yet again and removed all the friends from my page. I do this every so often when the depression gets to a point of complete self hatred and wanting to disappear. Now here I sit, feeling alone and lonely, all by my own doing. I've joined a bunch of teams again, but I just don't know where to start.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I am participating in a virtual walk of Canada as part of the challenge on the SparkPeole 8 Week Battle #3 RED Team. The total trip is 8968 mi. I have walked 17 miles since March 16th.
Information about Canada:
Location: North America, Surrounded by Atlantic Ocean on the East, Pacific Ocean on the West, Arctic Ocean on the North, United States on the South, Alaska, U.S. on North West.
Size 3,854,085 square miles, World's 2nd largest county, Continent's largest country.
Federation: 10 Provinces, 2 Territories
Motto "From Sea to Sea"
National Anthem "O Canada"
Capital City: Ottawa, Ontario.
Official Languages: English, French
Government: Democracy, Constitutional Monarchy
Leader: Prime Minister Steven Harper
Vehicles Drive On The: Right Side of the Road
Established: July 1, 1867
Weather: The southern west coast has a mild, rainy winter, while the rest of Canada experiences snow and cold weather. Summers are warm across the country. The eastern part of Canada has beautiful fall colours
Inventions: hockey, basketball, electric light bulb, electric range, electron microscope, standard time, television, telephone, zipper, Canada Arm on the Space Station, insulin, pacemaker, Pictionary game, Superman, Trivial Pursuit game
Famous Slang Word: eh
Symbols: maple leaf, beaver, moose, common loon
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
It's 10:15 p.m. and I feel like I'm going to explode. You know, the type where your stomach tightens and an acid taste builds in your mouth. It feels like a loud animalistic noise will screech from my throat if I open my mouth.
Keep typing. Yup, that's the thing to do.
I attached a picture of myself with the new haircut I got a week ago. I like this picture. A rarity for sure. I like my hair. I actually look happy in this photo. I think I was. Yeah, it was a week ago Monday and Iíd spent the afternoon downtown Sidney looking for the perfect gifts for Lynn when I happened upon my salon. The rest of the story is evident.
So now, here I sit one week later, frustrated to the point of shaving my head because I couldnít get my hair to look like the photo this morning. I tell myself I didnít have the straightening gel, so of course my hair is puffier. Iíve always been so uncoordinated when it comes to styling my hair which is why I never do a damned thing to it. I feel so ugly with all of this weight on me. 227.8 Thatís a whooping 11.8 lbs lost since January 1st. Iím being mature and accepting the loss, but f***, itís still 77.8 lbs away from my goal. And I still weigh over 200 lbs! Thatís what disgusts me the most, weighing over 200 lbs.
I took a photo of myself tonight and as usual was shocked at the image. At least I donít look full term pregnant like I did in January; now, itís about 5 months pregnant. I donít feel attractive and I miss that. I know Iím married and shouldnít really care if anyone looks at me, but I do. I remember what it felt like to have a man gaze at me and I want that to happen again. Sure, I can dress nice, do my best to make my hair look like the above image, but no man looks at me in that way anymore. Not even my husband.
That hurts the most.
So, lifeís not fair. But I have no one to blame for my situation but myself. I chose to binge on peanut butter, Starbucks ginger cookies, butter tarts, banana bread, cereal and milk. The results of my binging are 77.8 lbs of jelly like fat that gives me two stomachs, big boobs, large ass, thick legs and round face. Then thereís my laziness. Iíd sat on my ass for years and now that equates to aches in every joint and with every movement. Trying to move around my load takes a lot of energy and I am definitely lacking in that area. I hear myself. Iím feeling sorry for myself.
Enough of that s*** girl! Stop your f****** whining and get with the plan!
Taking this journey one day at a time is so slow and impossible to accept with patience and perseverance. Iím so sick of reading how itís the journey, not the destination that is most important, to focus on this moment and to accept that the process is slow and steady. I want what the Biggest Loser offers Ė 6 hrs per day of pure hell in physical activity with a trainer that pushes you to the brink and beyond. Iím not working, I could do this. I think of it every night before I fall asleep and plan how I will take this approach in the morning. Well, the next day arrives, I sleep most of it away because Iíve been awake all night, and exercising, f***, I havenít even given it a thought.
No, my routine is 15 minutes of biking on my indoor recumbent bike at a light speed per my physiotherapistís instructions. She permits me to do this twice each day. Following this, I do my stretches, balancing exercises and core work that she has given me, which takes 15 minutes. What do I actually do? First two days, I follow her instructions 100%, the third day I bike at a moderate pace working up a sweat and add additional stretches. Why do I do this to myself? I want to move without pain now, not a few months from now.
Iím obsessed with how I looked seven years ago. I was slim, could wear short skirts, cute hats, tank tops and best of all, I felt and looked sexy. I could see the eyes of men and women looking at me and I loved it. No, I craved it. The thing about it is that who I was seven years ago is dead. I cannot recreate her for she doesnít exist.
So, whatís left?
On the exterior is an obese 47 year old woman who walks with her head down avoiding eye contact at all costs. I avoid going anywhere to be with people because of the shame and disgust I feel at how I let myself fall apart. I notice that Iím the minority in the public and now when Iím looked at itís because I am different. Iím big. Iím fat. Iím ugly. Gone are the gazes. Now it is stares.
The depression and anxiety are like a roller coaster and Iím always terrified of moving towards upwards. Each jerk pulls my body deeper into my mind so that by the time Iím at the top, there is but a minuscule piece of me left. I look down and before I can take a breath, I am tumbling faster and faster until I crash at the bottom, landing in a murky, sticky brown puddle. Try as I might, I cannot lift my arms or body to rise. I am mired in this mess, my mess and right now I feel trapped, unable to find my way out.
Now I ponder my situation. I do have a choice. Continue or give up. I will continue. I donít like it. In fact, I hate it so much that I have the urge to vomit. Iíll trudge forward and hope that Iíll figure out how to get out of the mud that encases my body and mind.
Get An Email Alert Each Time 2BASWAN Posts