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Iím A Peanut-Butteraholic

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Image is: Peanut Butter by *jakegarn at www.deviantArt.com When I found this image at deviantArt.com, I laughed and thought, yup, this could be me!

So, itís like 3:54 a.m. and I am awake. I did go to bed at 11:20 p.m., missing my goal of 11:00 p.m. by 20 minutes, but still, I felt that was an accomplishment. I took my nightly meds in addition to one ativan. I hate how Iíve been taking two and thought what better time to reduce it than the night before I have to get up early for a doctor and psychiatrist appointments! I settle into bed to watch the news, a calming act for me as it makes me think of others and reminds me to stop feeling sorry for myself, when I suddenly crave Kraft Peanut Butter Lite Smooth.


I lay there until 1:00 a.m. trying not to think of peanut butter, but I can smell it, taste it and the addiction yanks me out of bed to go seek it out. Now I know itís hidden in the garage somewhere and itís not too big of an area, so I should be in and out lickity split! Nope, nadda. I searched for ten minutes and left the garage defeated. Paul is good; heís hidden it well. I feel a bit pissed at him, but I have no right because I asked him to do this to help with my binging. I go back to bed and two hours later Iím still awake, but more agitated than before. I clamber out of the bed, bouncing a bit more than needed in hopes of jarring Paul. I mean if heís awake, then I could ask him where the peanut butter is, because surely I couldnít wake him myself to ask, that would be selfish. Well, plan A didnít work, he continued snoring and didnít even budge. Now Iím up, what to do next?


Yup, thatís only one Weight Watcher point for the bag and if I eat one at a time, that will take the edge off my wanting the peanut butter. I nestled into my recliner, my legs crossed and covered with my paw print fleece throw and commence the dance with my popcorn. I open the top of the bag just a wee bit and inhale the buttery salty steam. I select one popped kernel and place it on my tongue then ever so slowly close my mouth down around this warm morsel. I like the squeaky sound that arises, but more than that I salivate as I chew on this one tiny treat that brings me much joy. After about five kernels eaten this way, Iím bored.

Never known to do one thing at a time, I pick up my book ĎThe Mindful Way Through Depressioní and start reading while eating my popcorn, which now seems to be going into my mouth three, four, five at a time. So much for eating my popcorn mindfully. All in my little world seems to be going well except for the fact that Iím still awake, I still WANT peanut butter and I have to get up in a couple of hours. I look at my food journal and become giddy realizing I have five points left! Woo hoo! Gonna get me some oatmeal now!

I heated up one pack of oatmeal, a first for me since I tend to eat two packs. I looked through the microwave glass and was astonished to see the oatmeal had risen to the top of the bowl and there were still five seconds left. Like a hockey game in overtime, my heart sped up and I couldnít speak. Would it, would it, would it stay at the top or would it overflow?! Iím rooting for staying at the top. Come on, one second left, you can do it!


Excited that the oatmeal did not overflow, I opened the microwave door hoping to see my masterpiece, but was greeted with a half filled bowl of deflated oatmeal. I was disappointed, but not enough that I wouldnít eat it. I filled the indentation with Splenda brown sugar and a bit of skim milk. To my recliner I returned. I placed the very warm bowl against my chest, and slowly stirred the mixture. The brown sugar streaked through the thick oatmeal creating swirls with each turn of the spoon. The milk did not want to mix with this gloopy mess taking a lot longer to give in and become one with the oatmeal. The texture of oatmeal always makes me laugh, for it resembles the cottage cheese that has implanted itself on the back of my thighs.

Once done my second treat, I did feel a sense of fullness, but the desire for peanut butter lived on. I have to accept it. Kraft Peanut Butter Lite Smooth and I are over. Why? Because my name is Cathie and Iím a peanut-butteraholic.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREOSEL 4/7/2009 11:33AM

    Hi Cathie...welcome to Spark!. I don't thinke I am a peanut butter addict....I do my best to stay away from it because I do love it and can definitely over eat it. I have suffered major depression off and on most of my life. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here.

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MIDGE124 3/17/2009 5:56AM

    Your not the only one that loves peanut - Butter,I'm a Peanut-butteraholic also!

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MSHELEN21 3/4/2009 10:20AM

    Hi Cathie,

It sounds like you really like your peanut butter emoticon

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ROLOHA 3/4/2009 8:58AM

    This could be me! emoticon

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I Just Need To Believe

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Feeling really depressed today. My sleeping schedule is so whacked - go to bed at 6 a.m, get up at 2 p.m. I've got a tablespoon of light peanut butter sitting beside me. Just the smell of it calms me. I have a toothpick with which to use, but I'm putting off doing anything for the moment. I'm scared if I have the one, will I have another, then another, then another?

My weight loss since January has been lose one week, gain the next, lose, gain, lose, gain, so my goal for this week is to lose which would give me two weeks in a row of losing. Now you're probably wondering why I bring this up. Well, I'm scared if I have this tbsp of peanut butter it will lead to a binge which will result in a gain this week.

On the other hand, I have to learn how to have a little bit of something I love and realize it's always available when I want. Deep sigh.

Going to have the 1 tbsp and savour each dip slowly and with purpose. Afterwards, if I want more peanut butter, I'll drink down some of my lemon water, eat some veggies or go bike, basically anything to stop me from binging.

I can do this, I just need to believe.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURIEAPRIL 2/17/2009 2:09PM

    It's a toughy.. there are a couple of foods which i just can't have in the house at all or i WILL eat them. Nuts is one of them..they drive me crazy until they are gone. It's annoying because they really are good for you. I can have peanut butter in the house and not touch it for weeks though - go figure! lol
The weather is going to be so nice this week -up to 12 on Friday..i'm hoping to go for a long walk in the sunshine or maybe even bus out to Sidney to go to the Beacon wool shop :)

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MSHELEN21 2/16/2009 1:25PM

    Hi Cathie,

I know you can over come the binge eating. It's good that you don't deprive yourself either. It sounds like you know what to do and your doing it.
emoticon emoticon


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CAPECODSANDI 2/16/2009 8:54AM

    Hi Cathie~I believe in you!!! You can do anything you put your mind to, but you have to really want it more than anything!! I think you do! emoticon

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DANTESOTHOTH 2/15/2009 11:30PM

    you CAN do it. remember that true happiness can't come from anything impermenant (like peanut butter!) but instead what you do in life. GOOD LUCK

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It's Raining In My Mind

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I feel lower than low. No... shower, energy, brushing hair, getting dressed, eating, drinking, joy, smiles, happiness, likeness of myself, hope.

I was up all night yet again, not going to bed until 6 a.m. then sleeping until 2 p.m. I do this more than I like to admit. I think this behaviour is what causes me to binge, hate myself and miss opportunities in life. I was to start a six week workshop called "Living a healthy life with a chronic illness" this afternoon, but didn't go. My excuses...I was too tired, I overate on Sunday so I needed to spend my time biking to get rid of the excess calories, I might be having my hiatus hernia surgery during these six weeks, I probably don't belong because my chronic illness is depression and other mental illnesses, I'll probably get lost and be late, I'll say something stupid and wish I were dead, I'm not good enough to go.

I feel like crying, but that feels like giving in to my weakness and feeling sorry for myself. This workshop probably would have helped a lot. I know I can go the remaining five sessions, but it's like if I didn't go to the first session today, there's no way I can go to the remaining. All or nothing once again.

I feel such utter contempt for myself. I was so lazy today that I couldn't even empty the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes inside. No, my husband did it. I just want to go to sleep, a really, really, really deep sleep. The kind where no matter what noise is around you, your body remains still. The kind that when touched, you don't respond. The kind that is void of nightmares. The kind that is still.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODSANDI 2/10/2009 8:18AM

    Cathie~OK, I stumbled upon this blog and feel such sadness from you! After looking at your page and pictures, I have to say you have such wonderful things in your life to be proud of. Your daughters are absolutely beautiful, your afghan,scarf and hat work is amazing, your "best friend" has a wonderful smile! Are you seeing anyone to help you through this dark time?? Are you taking medication to help with the depression or medication to help you get back to a normal sleep cycle? You have so much to be happy & proud about!! i think you really need to go to that workshop and feel good that you made it to 5 of them. This is priority, you need to take care of number one my friend. Please let me know how you are doing, I care! emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/10/2009 8:19:48 AM

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Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, Two Steps Forward...

Friday, February 06, 2009

This morning was weigh in day at Weight Watchers and I knew that Iíd see a gain, but still, seeing the 3.6 lbs stung, and stung hard. Iíd gained the same amount Iíd lost two weeks ago. So, after five weeks, Iíve lost 7.6 lbs in total. Now, I have two options here: get pissed at myself for the gain, go home and eat peanut butter until I look like the peanut shell orÖÖ accept what is and focus on the total loss, thus enabling me to move forward. So, whatís it gonna be?

Move forward.

Iíve realized that I feel very alone in this journey and that I must make it a priority to post in the SparkPeople Weight Watchers Team Buddy Group 2. There are five of us, so getting to know one another would be fairly easy. Now I need to actually make contact. I get myself involved in so many things that I then feel overwhelmed and back off on everything.

Thatís what happened during these past two weeks; I set too many goals, and when I couldnít accomplish every single one, I gave up on all of them. Good Ďole all or nothing thinking gets me all the time!

So at this very moment Iím inhaling deep, holding my head high and stepping forward into the unknown.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRITTERMAMA912 2/14/2009 10:50PM

  I can totally relate to what you are saying...I have the dreaded perfectionism tendencies, too. If I can't do it all just perfect, I just give up and I won't do any of it. And as Dr. Phil says 'How's that workin' for ya?' It hasn't worked good for me at all, but like you, I am determined to overcome it, one day at a time. I learned somewhere (don't remember where) to make a list of things you want to accomplish in a day and number it. Take your time and do one thing at a time. If you complete 3 things, you have had an extremely successful day, because most people don't even get that much focused positive accomplishments completed in a day's time, because people get sidetracked and life happens. Thanks for inspiring me to refocus and go forward. We are conquerors!

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Happy Birthday To Me

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday January 26, 2009

At 3:33 p.m. today I turned 47 years old.

Do I feel different than I did at 3:32?

Yes I do.

Let's roll back to when I first woke at 12:30 p.m. I opened my eyes, stunned that I did not have the annual birthday thought of wishing I was dead. I paused, let the four dogs clamber over my body, then revisited my mind and again death was not present. No regrets I woke up. No visual plan of how I'd end my life. No tears. No anger. Nothing.

So what did I feel?


Was this for real? Did I actually feel happy it was my birthday? The answer was a definitive yes. I almost didn't know what to do with this reaction because from the day I turned seven until last year's birthday, my waking thought was wishing I were dead along with anger that I even woke up. Now, I'm not being melodramatic here; these are just the facts as I know them to be.

My birthday was filled with well wishes on my facebook page, emails and phone calls. With each message, I felt a bit more happy than I had a moment earlier. By the time we left my sister-in-law's house at 8:30 p.m., I was sooooooooo happy that I developed a headache and could feel my mood slipping from the top of the mountain. Also, it should be noted that I had not eaten a thing until I had dinner. I was on a high experiencing all these new, intense feelings of joy that had always been foreign to me.

So yes, I do feel different with turning 47 this year. I feel a gate has been unlocked and I am pushing through to a new life filled with hope.

This entry was taken from my personal blog at:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEIDI14DAN 1/28/2009 10:22AM

    I hope you had a great birthday! It sounds like you had a great day!

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NEWBUTTERFLY76 1/27/2009 10:02AM

    emoticon emoticon HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

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JIBBIE49 1/27/2009 5:21AM

    Happy Birthday. I made you a quick chart. With Cancer rising you should be successful and good with money. Your Moon in Libra means you were close to your mother and you have a love of home and family, but this can clash with your independent Aquarian nature. The Aquarian child was an isolated only child in some way, that cause her to be around adults and grow up faster than other children. This makes an independent person. I do believe your parents got along and you were a peacemaker in the family. With You sun in the 7th house of Libra and Saturn there, you could work in LAW. Aquarian needs to have outside interests and works for the underdog as you like to see improvement in others and help make it happen. You dislike critical people and will drop a friend and go down the street and make a NEW best friend forever, if need be. Your interests are in the bigger picture, but your Moon in Libra wants to be fair.

January 26 1962
3:33 PM

Rising Sign is in 18 Degrees Cancer
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. You are also very sentimental. When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected.

Sun is in 06 Degrees Aquarius.
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.

Moon is in 13 Degrees Libra.
Affectionate, warm and friendly, life must be a "beautiful" experience for you. Unpleasantness should be avoided at all costs. You tend to overlook other people's faults and you would rather give in than fight. You are uncomfortable with strangers, but at ease and sociable with friends and associates. Indeed, you would rather socialize than work -- you can use your prodigious charm to avoid unpleasant tasks. You need the support and assistance of another in order to get you started on any new project -- you are not a self-starter. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent (i.e., lazy). Your refined aesthetic sensibilities attract you to music, dance, art and any other cultured activity.

Mercury is in 22 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 06 Degrees Aquarius.
You are a friendly and outgoing individual, but close relationships are difficult for you to maintain due to your fear that they will cause you to lose your freedom. You attract friends and associates who are exciting, different and sometimes a bit odd. You are popular with others and enjoy working within a group toward group goals.

Mars is in 25 Degrees Capricorn.
Extremely ambitious, you are willing to work very hard to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Very practical, cautious and conservative, you demand tangible results for your efforts. You need to excel in whatever you do, and you have the required sense of responsibility, dedication and self-discipline to bring it about. Beware of your tendency to judge others only by their degree of status and prestige, or by how well they will be able to advance you in your climb to the top.

Jupiter is in 16 Degrees Aquarius.
Your personal growth occurs when you have the freedom to do things in new and interesting ways -- this brings out your natural inventiveness. You are an individualist, but you are also attracted to mass movements that emphasize social betterment and you will devote much time and energy to their efforts. Very fair- minded and objective, you have extraordinary skills at organization and administration.

Saturn is in 02 Degrees Aquarius.
Your personal sense of values is a reflection of the value structures of your peer group and of those you respect and admire. Try to be more critical in your acceptance of these values -- you tend to prejudge the abilities of those you trust and then follow what they say blindly. Basically very conservative, you prefer orderly, systematic changes and fear doing things rashly or impulsively. Ideas and philosophies must have some sort of immediately realizable, utilitarian function in order for you to pay any attention to them.

Uranus is in 29 Degrees Leo.
You, and your peers as well, demand complete and total freedom of self- expression. You want to make your mark in the world according to your own lights and will brook no interference from traditional authority figures, especially if they attempt to mold or shape you in any way. You are honest and forthright, but a bit offbeat and eccentric. The lack of self-discipline may hinder you from reaching your goals as quickly as you would like.

Neptune is in 13 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your entire generation, are extremely interested in anything deep and mysterious. You will explore and idealize the benefits that can accrue from the study of the occult, healing and psychology. You are willing to experiment with substances like drugs in order to push your understanding of your inner being to the extreme.

Pluto is in 09 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 18 Degrees Leo.
You prefer to take the leadership role when it comes to dealing with others. You enjoy administering and organizing group activities. Others tend to listen to your suggestions because you aren't usually overly domineering or patronizing in your interactions. You love to entertain in a big way -- you're at your best when throwing a large and lavish party. Your popularity and social success are assured as long as you don't take others for granted -- resist the temptation to become snobbish and arrogant.

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