Monday, January 26, 2009
I am down 11.2 lbs, just 0.8 lbs and I'll have met my first goal of losing 5% of my weight or 12 lbs. I went ahead and bought myself the WW deluxe starter kit for $24 on Friday since there were only 2 left and I knew I'd be at the goal by next weigh in on Jan 30th. The kit contained these books: Canadian Food Listing with Points, Canadian Restaurants with Points, Quick Fixes 50 Recipes, 3 Month Journal (love this the best), How to Cook Healthy and a dvd of how to cook, what to have on hand, exercise and a workout. Oh yeah, it also came with a blue little pack and silver bag to keep your food cool or hot. That will come in handy when I have my trips to town and will be gone for hours. I'm really happy about the loss, but more happy that I'm sticking with it despite a few blips here and there. I appreciate this calm determination I feel about getting healthy and I truly believe it is that which will help me finally achieve my goals.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
And so a new day began and depression darkened my mind. I managed to go to my massage to have her work on my hips, legs and feet so that I could exercise. I came home and couldn't stop crying. I felt so overwhelmed thinking of the housecleaning, grooming my four dogs, exercising, eating well and fighting the suicidal ideation. I didn't accomplish any of the above, but went to bed for a couple of hours.
I ate more than needed today, but I calculated how many calories I need to burn to counterattack today and yesterday with the total being 1,615. So, that's about 2 1/4 hrs on my recumbent bike at a moderate pace. Now if I wasn't having hip and feet problems, I'd say "no problem" but that's not the case. My physiotherapist says to only do 5 minutes. Hmmm.... I'm going to do what I can from now until Friday morning when I go to Weight Watchers for my weigh in.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My Day In Eleven Steps:
1) After not falling asleep until 4 a.m., I slept in until 11 a.m., thus not taking my antidepressants and anxiety medications at 9 a.m. (this move is always guaranteed to make me feel off kilter). (I'm at the bottom of the stairwell looking up, but too tired to lift my foot.)
2) I had 2 cups of coffee and ignored breakfast, or rather, ignored my hunger which increased by the minute. (I've begun the journey up the stairwell, managing a few stairs.)
3) I asked my husband to take the tin of baked goods to work so I wouldn't be tempted, but asked for one teeny gingerbread before he left. (I stop on the first landing of the stairwell.)
4) I told my husband to leave the tin. (I'm stuck on the first landing and can neither move up nor down.)
5) At 1:20 p.m. I ate, actually I shoved down, 5 gingerbread (1/2" x 1/2"), 5 shortbread (1/2" x 1/2"), 5 shortbread (3/4" x 3/4") and 1 shortbread (1" x 2") for a total of 13 Weight Watcher points. (I've lost my footing and tumbled down the stairs to the bottom landing face down.)
6) I felt like a failure and decided to post in one of my teams for help. (I lift my head and feel the burning sensation from brazing my face on the pavement.)
7) I emailed my husband at work and told him what I did as I didn't want to tell him face to face and see his disappointment. (I try to pull myself up, but my elbows collapse and I am laying flat on the concrete.)
8) I went to bed for 2 hours to avoid taking an ativan for the anxiety and to prevent me from binging any more. (I'm too exhausted to move, so I curl up into the fetal position and close my eyes.)
9) When my husband got home, he said that slip ups would happen, but more importantly was the fact that I get back on track. I am relieved with his reaction, but not surprised because he is so supportive. (I wake up, push my body to a seated position, then stand up. I see the number of stairs before me and wonder if I can climb them all.)
10) Late in the evening I checked my email and saw all the responses to my post and was overwhelmed with how supportive and encouraging everyone was. I responded with my gratitude for their help. (I take a deep breath and run up every single stair until I reach the top.)
11) I realize I had a slip, but that does not mean I will give up. I am just going to start over. I will be positive and focussed. This isn't the end, it's just a little blip in my journey. (I tilt my head back and feel the warmth of the sun caress my face.)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I went to my second Weight Watchers meeting and discovered with joy I lost 9 lbs! Now I know it's week one and it's typical to lose a lot as a result, but still, I was super happy. It's kind of like the fire was lit and now I'm ready to blaze until all that's left are burning embers.
My mindset this time is one of determination so strong that nothing, not even my self sabotage tendencies will break it. I'm not really excited, nor really pessimistic, just calm and focussed. For me, this approach is to be the winner, this I know for sure!
Week two, here I come!
Saturday, January 03, 2009
This image can be found at phoenixkeyblack.deviantart.com/art/O
Spent all day on the computer and feel like crap as a result. It all started with a desire to check out the Nintendo Wii Fit, a simple task one would think, but for me, it triggered off my obsessive behaviour. I went to the Nintendo Wii Fit sites both the American and Canadian, followed by price comparisons at Future Shop, Best Buy, Amazon, Toys R Us, The Source, EB Games and so on and so on, researched every single review I could find and watched every YouTube video. By the end of this mental exercise, my brain was overflowing with information and I realized that I probably wouldn't even use the Wii Fit.
I have a room with a treadmill, recumbent bike, free weights, medicine ball, balance ball, bosu ball, yoga equipment, pedometer, heart monitor, binder full of isometrics, yoga and stretches, exercise books and finally, about 20 dvds. Oh yeah, I also have four doggies. Now, am I using any of these great tools?
I took two of my dogs out for a walk the other day, but because my hips are out of alignment or something like that, I'm in extreme pain just standing, let alone walking and I need to see my physiotherapist, which I'm doing on Wednesday. Okay, that's the excuse for not walking. What about everything else? Hmmm...not that one I need to brutally honest about...just plain laziness.
To top off this lack of movement today, my antidepressant/anxiety meds got screwed up with timing due to sleeping until 1 p.m., then I didn't eat until 4 p.m. and I'm feeling physically crappy with this cold. More excuses.
My body and mind are a fog right now. I want to yell at myself for wasting hours obsessing about finding info about the Wii Fit. I want to cry because yet again I fell into the trap that is my perfectionism. I want to order a pizza and cinnamon buns to ease this emotional pain, but I refuse to give into this one and that's why I'm journaling.
I'm going to stop now and eat something healthy, take my dinnertime meds, then continue crocheting the scarf I'm making for my niece. Before I go to bed tonight, I WILL get on my recumbent bike for 10 minutes! I want to go to sleep feeling like a success.
I refuse to allow my obsessive behaviour to wind me up even more!
Aaaggghhhhh....how I complicate my life!
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