Friday, January 02, 2009
I did it! I took my first walk!
I woke at 1:50 p.m. after not going to bed at 9:00 a.m. (yeah, my sleeping is a real mess), then had a shower and as soon as I got downstairs, I took the "before" photos and put my shoes on to go for a walk. Lacey and Bree, two of my dogs, were really excited to go for the walk. We headed out, pedometer clipped to my pants, watch with timer on my wrist, doggie poo bags in my pocket and two happy doggies at my left side.
By the time I reached the third house from ours, this searing, intense pain overtook my outer and back of my hips. I tried breathing through it to no avail. Next came some bending over to stretch out the hips and glutes, but that gave me no relief. I continued on despite the pain and by the time I reached the garbage can on the walking path, I knew the walk had to end. This would be my half way point to my dismay.
As I walked back, I kept bending forward to alleviate the pain that now brought tears to my eyes. I sped up the walking, but that only worsened the pain. I just focused on my house which I could see in the distance. I arrived home not a moment too soon.
I walked 16 minutes and 1,156 steps!
I just forced myself to put that exclamation point in because I need to be happy and proud that I took the first steps towards a healthy life. I didn't get this out of shape and overweight overnight, so it's going to take time to get healthy.
I look forward to the day when I can take all 4 doggies with me and we alternate between jogging and walking for an entire hour! Yup, that's my future!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
This image is titled "Farewell" by ~fatihkilic at fatihkilic.deviantart.com/art/Farewe
Been there, done that!
Now, how many years have I been saying that? Five.
Five long years of saying "This is it! This time I'll lose this weight and get active!" Five long years of trying, faltering, then altogether falling off the proverbial diet ferris wheel. Five long years of being the cruelest person to myself with vicious name calling, binging to the point of wanting to vomit, sleeping the days away, avoiding all contact with the outside world and withdrawing from my husband and daughters.
I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted.
It is January 1st, 2009 at 3:30 a.m. and yet again I'm up really late. I have no sleeping schedule and without that, it's pretty darned hard to have any regularity with food or exercise. This behaviour is unhealthy to my mind and body.
This year is mine,
Changing my life,
One minute at a time.
I'm changing Cathie, right here, right now. As uncomfortable as it might be, I'm pushing through the cement slab that is my fear, perfectionism, all or nothingness, ruminating about what I once was along with my never ending list of wrongdoings, chronic depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, self harm, feelings of worthlessness and finally, the biggie, that I don't deserve to live.
I'll end with the chorus from a Dar Williams song titled "Farewell to the Old Me" as it speaks directly to how I feel.
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
But always changing anyhow
And the old me
Farewell to the old me
p.s. A couple of days ago I weighed myself and the number was 240...OMG! Will confirm this on Jan 2nd after going to my first Weight Watchers meeting.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm really sorry I haven't responded to all you caring women who have left me comments and goodies. I do appreciate them and I will respond soon. Right now it takes all the energy I have to stay awake and function at the basic level. I see my psychiatrist Friday so hopefully med changes will occur because I can't tolerate living in this dismal, hopeless abyss. Thank you all for being so kind and thoughtful. It means more than you know.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I'm sitting on my recliner, laptop running and I've downloaded a white noise program that is playing rain and fan sounds. This is to drown out the noise of the tv, Paul scraping his fork across his plate, Paul walking around, Paul wanting to talk to me.
I took 2 ativan 20 minutes ago and I only feel 5% better which isn't a hell of a lot. I get anxious when Paul gets home from work. Suddenly all the lights are turned on, the tv is flicked on to a loud volume, he's moving fast around the house emptying the dishwasher and loading it, running up the stairs to get the bathroom garbage & recycle bin, feeding the dogs and heating up the stew he made yesterday. Busy, busy, busy.
I feel so worthless watching him. Yeah, I tidied the kitchen by organizing all the dirty dishes into manageable piles that I could load into the dishwasher, then I cleaned the tub, but not the toilet or sink, I fed the dogs lunch but forgot to add flax oil to their meals. It's like I'm not capable of doing anything.
I like feeding the dogs, taking my time to measure out their vet food, sprinkle flax oil on the kibble, then add in cut up frozen broccoli & cauliflower as well as blueberries. I don't get to do this anymore. Paul took it over. I don't know why because I thought I was doing it right. He says it keeps him busy.
When he asked tonight 'what's wrong?' I gave him an earful, not yelling, but just telling him what I wrote above, well not about the dog food because I never got that far.
He cut me off and said "I'm depressed too so I have to keep busy."
I replied rather astonished "I thought you said you weren't depressed, so are you or aren't you?"
Paul quick no thought out drawn out answer "I'm not anymore, but I have to keep active to not get depressed."
Oh how I wish it was that easy for me. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now I know that.
I get angry with myself because I start something, then my attention is grabbed by something else, and then I leave my original task for the new one. So what am I left with? Different tasks only partially completed. I'm a nutcase!
I did an Enneagram Personality Typing Test and I was a 4. It was dead on about me, flaws and all. The thing that struck me most was that an unhealthy 4, that's me right now, can self destruct with depression and suicide. So, maybe it is written in the cards, maybe I am meant to be dead. If I were then I wouldn't be such a pain in the ass to Paul. He deserves so much better.
I'm feeling tired from the ativan and it's only 7 p.m. All I've eaten is breakfast, but I've drank a lot and I did bike for 20 minutes, so maybe going to bed isn't such a bad idea after all. It would end this day, end this suffering.
I was going to go to a Tao Class tonight, but I don't think I'm up to an intellectual talk on philosophy etc.
I complicate my life, this I know as fact. Now the exercise here is how to stop doing it. After 46 years I sure don't have that one figured out yet and highly doubt I ever will.
Ending positively, which I've promised to do daily, even though I don't want to...I met my 2 goals...ate breakfast & biked 10 minutes, actually I went 20, so maybe that counts as double goodness.
Three things I'm grateful for are:
1) I'm grateful that Paul hasn't got fed up with me and thrown me out of the house.
2) I'm grateful I biked today. Even though it didn't help my mood, at least it's one less thing to feel a failure at.
3) I'm grateful that my four doggies still want to be around me even though I'm so crazy acting.
Thank goodness, this day now ends at 7:07 p.m.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Last Monday, I showed up at 1 p.m. for my one hour strength training with my trainer when she asked to speak with me in her office. I immediately had that oh my God, I've done something wrong and now she's going to get rid of me thought. Strange how I always jump to that negative conclusion before a word has been uttered. Karen gets right to the point...I think we need to discuss if now is the right time for you to be doing training. Emotions flood my body, from shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, relief and sadness. She's noticed how I've been slipping deeper into the abyss of my depression and that getting to the appointments is far and few between. I continue to pay if I miss, so that also seems like a waste of money and of course adds to the guilt. I'm crying now because her caring attitude has tugged at the tight plug in my heart to release pent up emotions. She's "released" me from training until I feel it is the right now to return. How beautiful is that...releasing me. In this manner she was trying to allow me to accept my depression for where it's at right now without adding undo pressure of training. She didn't want to be part of the pie that is adding to my wall of feeling overwhelmed. She encouraged me to try to eat and get on my recumbent bike daily just an an outlet, not for the purpose of exercise. So now my bike is in the garage and with the door open I can sit and bike, feel the fresh cool ocean air and learn to relax and let go. Our home is a duplex and we're at the back so no one can see us thank goodness or I definitely would not be doing this activity whatsoever.
During this past week I've dug out "Your Depression Map" by Randy Paterson and am now working through it, doing as it suggested in setting two goals only that I'll work on for two weeks. My goals: eat breakfast and bike for 10 minutes. My mind is racing with judgements right now, but I can't allow them to hit the page. These are good goals, they aren't easy for me right now, but I feel I can push through the resistance to do them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the supplements I have to take ensuring they are an hour before my meds or a meal, or three hours after a meal, etc. So, I know I have a candida overload, but the candida cleanse can wait until I have my eating and water intake more regulated. Adding to my feelings of "I just can't do it" is spending so much time deciding where I'll record my moods, what I've done in the day, food, water, etc. I've made the decision to record all of this in my nutrition section, that way I can look back over this week (as the book suggests) and see what helps or deters me from moving away from the bowels of the depression.
I find when I'm like this, I research every friggin' possibility of healing, natural, new age and traditional, but don't actually do anything. I just read, read and read some more. Today, I'm changing that behaviour. Today I'm doing. Today I'm telling myself there is no perfect way to follow the steps in the depression book, nor where and how to record my moods and activities. Today I need to stop avoiding whatever I'm avoiding.
So a week later I'm feeling more authentic to my situation and willing to do what is necessary to take the baby steps out of this hell.
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