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Daily Reflection: How Well Do I Roll With The Punches?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Whatever is flexible and flowing will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die. - Tao Te Ching, Lao Tsu's teachings

I must admit that adapting to change is something I need a lot of improvement on. I am overly flexible with change when I begin something new, but the first sign of a crack, or failure as I see it, then I become the brick wall. I get the attitude of "why bother?" The pain of failure supersedes any joy of success prior. I can remain "stuck" like this for awhile, but something inside of me always punches through those bricks and tries again and again. I soak up new material and methods of doing things like a sponge. I do want to change, but I always want it yesterday. I need to learn patience and repeat my username and spark page name repeatedly "I get knocked down, and I get up again!"


Change is the natural order of the world. When something tries to stand against the force of change, it's eventually destroyed. Cliffs are eroded, trees are uprooted, granite cracks. People can crack too. For us to grow and live--to flourish--it takes adaptation and learning. Stubborn attachment to a single set of "knowledge" or way of doing things leads to stagnation of the mind and spirit. Remember to keep an open mind to new people and new ideas. Challenge yourself to always be learning something new. Focus on the possibilities of a fresh start, instead of hanging on to old frustrations. Sails are made with cloth for a reason. When they're stiff, winds beat against them until they tear. But if the sails are relaxed and workable, the wind can take you to places you've never been before.


The Battle Rages On With My Enemy, Depression

Friday, October 17, 2008

Today isn't so great. Actually, it started yesterday when I saw my counsellor and cried throughout the hour. I feel like I'm slipping again and I don't want to tell my husband. He's so patient and understanding. He gets so excited if I have a good day, so when the bad days hit which is 5-6 days per week, I am filled with immense guilt that I can't be happy and see him smile. I hate how he worries about me. I know it's love, but sometimes I just want him to yell and kick me out. I think it's because I feel so worthless and can't stick to anything I start. I feel like such a disappointment to him.

These last eight years have been hell for us with my depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. I just keep wondering how much longer he'll stay with me. I mean, a person can only take so much. He assures me this would never happen, but I never believe him, or maybe it's that I don't want to believe. It's hard to accept his love. It's hard to think that he loves me when I feel I don't deserve it.

The suicidal thoughts have returned with a vengeance and I wonder at what point will they win out. To be honest the only thing that really keeps me moving motionless through each day is my husband and daughters (25 & 23). The thought of hurting them in this way prevents me from following through on my thoughts. I want to tell them that I'm fighting to live, but I can't speak for this disease as it may take over when I no longer have the energy to say no.

I'm giving the strength training with a personal trainer three times a week another go because I know exercise will help the depression and anxiety. Today however, I left a message for my trainer at 9 a.m., an hour before our session, saying my plantar fasciitis was so flared up I couldn't move and as a result couldn't make it to training. This was a lie. I was tired, no, more than tired, I was exhausted and wanted to sleep which I did until 2 p.m. missing the vet appointment as well. I didn't call the vet because one lie today was more than enough. I can't believe how lying has become a part of my daily life. I hate when people lie and not I've become what I despise.

I know my meds needs to be looked at and that's not surprising. It's been six months or so since my "cocktail" was adjusted. That's about as long as I can go on the mixture before changes need to be made. One thing that is different though is that I'm not relying solely on the meds to help me. I'm doing the exercise, back to eating the healthy whole foods diet my trainer designed for me which contains no yeast, milk or sugar, starting yin yoga Nov 5th, getting fitted for orthotics this week so I can walk with my husband and four dogs, watching a positive Mind Movie every morning, running a subliminal message program to run in the background of my computer which has all these positive affirmations I inputted, reading before bed, crocheting, listening to meditation and hypnosis podcasts and going for therapeutic massage weekly. It's like "hell, what more can I do?"

I have to do lists which start out simple, but then I expand on them until I have so many things listed that I feel overwhelmed and do none. I've now deleted them all.

I'm not going to allow this disease of depression kill me without a fight. I'm determined to create a life worth living for myself, my husband, my daughters and my doggies.

I just thought of something. I don't feel the rage so that is really good because it's that which fuels the demons within to take action towards death. So, as much as I complain today, I'm grateful I'm feeling exhausted and numb because now I won't do anything I'll regret. And so what I haven't showered in a couple of days, at least I got up and got dressed. That's a hell of a lot more than I wanted to do.

I'm tired. My eyelids are heavy and closing without effort on my part. My breathing has slowed and I want to retreat to the safety of my bed. I can't do that. I won't do that. I refuse to let depression call the shots for tonight.

I'm going to make a big bowl of berries, yogurt, protein powder and flax seed, my favourite meal that will not only taste good but will wake me up as well.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRITTERMAMA912 10/18/2008 12:44AM

  Hi Cathie,
Thank you for commenting on my blog. It's nice to know someone read it and it helped encourage them. I came to check yourentry out for today and I am concerned for you. Please don't give up on yourself. You are a worthwhile person. Sometimes when we are in a dark place we put our sunglasses on instead of lighting a candle. I have been there, believe me. I had a severe bout with depression in 2004 that lasted several years I won't go into detail about at this time except to say I truly understand. I am in 'maintenance' mode at the moment but always on guard against another attack. It is an attack. You have to fight it to overcome, and sometimes it is SO hard, but it can be overcome, step by step. As long as you are fighting, you win. The only way you lose is if you quit. Is there someone you are talking with about your suicidal thoughts, like a doctor, counselor or pastor? When we are having these types of thoughts, it is 'battle time', you can be in danger, and someone who is near you needs to be standing in the trenches with you. Please, please share the things you are thinking about with someone who you trust who will support and guide and keep watch over you until this dark time passes. And it will pass. Your husband sounds like such a wonderful supportive person; you should think about honoring him with your trust and don't think you are so worthless he doesn't need to be burdened. He loves you and I know he wants to hold your arms up in the battle when they are too weak to stay up. I am praying that you feel God's peace in your soul and He would open your eyes to your true beauty and worth. I am praying for faith to rise up and overcome fear for you. God bless you.

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3 Things

Thursday, October 16, 2008

3 Things I Did Well Today Wed Oct 15, 2008

1. I chose to park far from the entrance to Walmart so that I could have a walk.
2. I swept the entire first floor and worked up quite a sweat.
3. I followed my healthy eating plan 100%

3 Things I'm Grateful For Today Wed Oct 15, 2008

1. I'm grateful that I found the perfect foam wedge to lean against in bed while I read.
2. I'm grateful that Paul was so happy for me and wanted to hear all about my first day back at training.
3. I'm grateful for the wonderful email I received today from my best friend Lynn because she always boosts me and makes me smile.


Scared Out Of My Mind

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I start work with Karen, my personal trainer at the local rec centre tomorrow at 10 a.m. I feel absolutely terrified. My heart is racing, I can hardly breathe and I can't stop eating. I just finished off 2 slices of bread coated in butter and peanut butter along with 4 french toast coated in butter and syrup. That is on top of the 2 starbucks ginger cookies and 2 banana bread.

Sugar, carbs, sugar, carbs....just can't get enough.

I've been here before, the night before my training starts, and Paul tells me I was just as nervous as I am tonight, but for some reason I can't remember it. It was at the beginning of July when I started strength training with Karen, then she went on holidays, came back and I had a session, then missed a session, then she was on two weeks holidays, returned and I had one more session. Then nothing for 7 weeks due to more holidays and me getting sick. So in mid September I restarted and had one session, then nothing until now. This last month was spent with my doggie who had to have an eye removed, then I overdid it and couldn't walk as my plantar fasciitis flared up.

I'm scared that something is going to screw up training this time and I'm afraid it will be me. I missed some sessions saying I was sick, in too much pain, didn't have a car, slept in, anything to avoid leaving the house. I'm sick of my excuses. I'm sick of how I avoid everything. I'm sick of never sticking with things. I'm sick of losing weight only to gain it back, and sometime more. I'm sick of feeling like a failure. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I'm sick of being in my skin.

I know logically I have the ability to make choices, but my problem is that I do choose well at first, then when I see some success, I screw it up. I want to finish something. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to be honest. I want to lose this weight once and for all.

Do I feel better after writing this out? Not a chance. I still feel scared out of my mind. I guess all there's left to do is make a wise decision and go to bed so I won't sleep through the alarm at 8 a.m. and won't miss my first training session.


Body Bliss: What Do You Love about Yourself?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I found this article on the Daily Spark

The things I love about myself are:

1. my smile
2. my laugh
3. my hands
4. my eyes
5. my patience
6. my empathy for others
7. my love of dogs
8. my creativity in writing
9. my lofty dreams
10. my excitement when sharing stories

I was totally shocked that I was able to come up with 10 things I loved about myself. I'm always so quick to notice the negative then stay focussed on it for days, but this little exercise showed me that by being positive I actually do feel better emotionally. Who would have thought?


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