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Day 9: Tues July 14, 2008 - Depression Sucks

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Woke up really, really depressed with a severe headache at the top of my head. The headache eased up after a few hours, but depression worsened. Applied aromatherapy blend to my body and lit diffuser, but that didn't help. Took 2 ativan, & bedtime pills at 7:30 p.m. and went to bed, but then got up and binged on toasted cheese sandwiches, chickpeas, grapes, honey on toast, all of which upped my calories to 2416. Got depressed with Martina here. Whenever the girls visit, their lives flash repeatedly before my eyes and all I can see is everything I've done wrong as their mother.

I hate that with each visit comes a low so intense that suicidal thoughts race through my mind as the rage towards myself increases. This is always followed by the panic, which increases the rages, which fuels the self hatred. I always think Paul and the girls would be so happy with me gone because I'm not as funny as them, I'm too serious, I'm too screwed up, I am gross and disgusting looking, so it's no wonder my husband doesn't want to be intimate.

Right now I hate every part of me so I'm hoping by going to sleep, these racing thoughts will dissipate. It's so hard because my urge is just to give up, but that won't happen because of the promises I made to Paul and the girls. I know I'm complicating my life and making it worse with these negative thought, but when I get like this, there is nothing I can find to reduce the intensity of this self loathing.

So, due to the binging, I ate 2,418 calories today with no walk or recumbent bike and only 4 cups of water. Now I get to add on a couple more failures.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just fed up with how my mood changes like this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETCRYSTAL200 7/20/2008 11:54PM

    I felt the same way yesterday. I was an emotional wreck all day and ate and ate. When I finally got to bed, I just let myself cry and I asked for help. And when it was all said and done, I felt better. My eating was still a little off today, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. We all make mistakes and will continue on making mistakes. This is how we learn.
I listened to Renee's success journal podcast the other day and it made good sense. I encourage you to listen to it also. She says write down 2 positive things you did today and that's it. Focus on the good and not the bad and you will begin to feel better.
We are all going to have bad days. After all, if it weren't for the bad days, the good ones wouldn't be so memorable. Hang in there, I know we can do this!!

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CANUCKER08 7/16/2008 9:29PM

    Just look at your name, you're not a quitter! You'll have bad days, really bad days, and also some good days too.

You are not alone in all your feelings, believe me, I've had all of them myself. Especially regarding my daughter sometimes, she's just at that age and she can drive me crazy sometimes! I think I may have vented it in a blog or two as well....

I know it's hard suffering from depression and anxiety, and possibly panic attacks. I know you're self-esteem and self-worth are at their lowest. I know it almost impossible to be motivated at all when you can't think of anything positive and only the negatives, and your energy level is low and you suffer from pain.

But it doesn't mean it will always be that way, and I'm sure your husband and daughter don't want you to have such negative thoughts about yourself. Whether you think so or not, they need you in their lives, you are important to them, and to your friends, and us here as well.

It's Wednesday, hump day, and I believe you'll get over this hump and come out feeling better in a day or two, or less!

Don't give up! emoticon emoticon

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JOANNESS 7/16/2008 12:15PM

  Woke up the same way but you know what try waking up tomorrow with the thought of impending glory and self love go to bed with that thought. I too suffer from depression and am on medication. It is debilitating at times. Remember, it too shall pass and you are left holding the emotional baggage. :) every day is a challenge you are here and that tells me that you are taking steps to help yourself. I have been isolated from daily life for many years. I am starting with jumping rope which at this time seems to be a real challenge since I have been so inactive and gained so much weight. I am not trying to preach so if it seems that way sorry. I just care and know what you are going through. It is not hopeless you are a great person and you need to show it to yourself and others will see :)

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~*~A~*~ 7/16/2008 10:11AM

    Big hugs! Suffering from depression is no easy feat and colors everything in every moment of life. I suffered from depression for over 6 months before getting some prescription help for it. Have you tried any anti depressants at all or just going the natural route? Perhaps some counselling could be of benefit to you as well. I had to see a counsellor for a year before I could start being happy with myself and who I was. It takes time but can be well worth it. emoticon

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DIALY_STORM 7/16/2008 2:19AM

    Oh my, I'm sorry you're suffering so. You mentioned ativan, but not an antidepressant of any type. Have you tried them? I suffer from depression as well, so deep and dark that sometimes I just feel like I'd be better off dead. Luvox and Wellbutrin have helped.

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Day 8: Mon July 14, 2008 - 2 lbs Down

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I had a 2 lb loss this week and I must admit I was disappointed. I just thought the first week I would lose more. Oh well, a loss is better than a gain.

Workout with my personal trainer was tough, but good. Can't say I enjoyed it, but I did notice that I started really depressed and left feeling okay, not super happy, but calm and that was a good improvement. I later went for a moderate to brisk walk with my two puppies.

Headache really bad, so going to bed early...11:07 p.m., now that's really early for me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANUCKER08 7/16/2008 12:49AM

    2 lbs a week is still pretty good. Most doctors recommend 1 lb per week, so you're doing very well.

Could be some added muscle mass too ya know!! emoticon

Keep it up!

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Day 7: Sun July 13, 2008 - A Quiet Day

Monday, July 14, 2008

I slept ten hours last night and it was exactly what I needed. Although I had a wicked headache all day that wouldn't let up despite ibuprophen, tylenol and aromatherapy oils, it was an okay day.

There was no walk today due to the pain and nausea, but that's okay. Looking over this last week I did accomplish a lot...I worked out with my personal trainer twice and walked four times, and that's pretty amazing coming from someone who did nothing but sit on her recliner and watch t.v. So, I'm pretty happy about this.

I enjoyed crocheting while watching Army Wives all afternoon and it was nice to have a quiet day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANUCKER08 7/14/2008 9:10PM

    Good for you. You can't start off at full speed, you need to work into it, particularly if you have other things like anxieties that might go along with exercising.


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EUROPEANKATE 7/14/2008 5:11AM

    These types of restful days are as important as those you are spending active, not only for your muscles, but to reward yourself for making good choices. And a good night's sleep can mean everything, don't we know!

I did an "Army Wives" marathon myself last week! Downloaded every episode I hadn't seen (almost all) and just laughed and cried through most of them. I can't believe I've gotten so hooked, but they're so well done.

Have a great week! Oh, and thank you for the applause goodie! I will bask in the spotlight emoticon
peace, Kathi

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Day 6: Sat July 12, 2008 - Perfectionism Kills Me

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Being a perfectionist all I can say is that this day was hell. I was paying bills online when I realized that I paid $500 to a visa card I no longer have. I called my bank, but they were unable to help as the TD bank, which is where the non-existent visa card is, does not permit bank to bank corrections, the owner has to deal with it. So, now my husband (as he was the main card holder) has to go into the TD bank with a print out of our bank account showing the error and ask for a cheque which could take up to 8 weeks to process. Anger is mild as to how I feel towards myself.

I unwound quick and couldn't stop crying or calling myself names. It was a constant "You're so f**king stupid. You don't deserve to live." I took 2 ativan and went to bed for a couple of hours. When I woke I didn't feel much better, and realized Paul had gone for the daily walk without me. Rather than stay home like I would have in the past, I took Lacey and Bree for a 20 minute walk. Afterwards, Paul and I took the puppies for a nice drive.

I'm still really down, and my eyes burn from the tears forming. I know it's not healthy to be so hard on myself and I'm hoping that as time goes by with getting healthy, that this will rub off on my emotional well being as well.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANUCKER08 7/13/2008 10:56PM

    Yeah it sucks but it's done and it's not irreversible.

Try to remember, would you be so hard on someone else if they did the same thing? Everyone makes mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them.

You've punished yourself enough I think, try (and I know it can be very hard) to look at the positive things in your life.


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Day 5: Fri July 11, 2008 - A Rough Starts Ends Well

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Woke up at 9 a.m. after a restless night and felt lower than low. At 10 a.m. I called the rec centre and canceled my workout with my personal trainer. I just didn't want to go. I kept crying and couldn't move. I felt horrible for canceling which then led to more self recrimination and ultimately those horrid suicidal thoughts raced in my mind. This is part of my borderline personality disorder and it's not pleasant. The only thing I could think of doing at that point was to take an ativan and go to bed. I slept for three hours and when I woke the high intensity of my emotions had lessened thank goodness.

My quads and knees are finally pain free so I'm so happy. After having a shower and feeling more refreshed we went out for dinner with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. We sat outside and I chose a large salad and drank tons of water. I even resisted dessert that was served. I felt totally in control of my eating and 100% confident, not even desiring the desserts.

So what started out as a rough morning ended with a lovely evening with family.

To everyone who has posted comments on my posts, I profusely thank you. Your words mean so very much to me. Tomorrow my plan is to visit your blogs so I can get to know all of you and offer support to you as you have to me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANUCKER08 7/12/2008 5:08AM

    I'm glad you took a day for yourself and took it easy on your body. You can't go too fast in the beginning.

Nice to hear you had a good dinner with family and did well by resisting dessert!


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