Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Woke up really, really depressed with a severe headache at the top of my head. The headache eased up after a few hours, but depression worsened. Applied aromatherapy blend to my body and lit diffuser, but that didn't help. Took 2 ativan, & bedtime pills at 7:30 p.m. and went to bed, but then got up and binged on toasted cheese sandwiches, chickpeas, grapes, honey on toast, all of which upped my calories to 2416. Got depressed with Martina here. Whenever the girls visit, their lives flash repeatedly before my eyes and all I can see is everything I've done wrong as their mother.
I hate that with each visit comes a low so intense that suicidal thoughts race through my mind as the rage towards myself increases. This is always followed by the panic, which increases the rages, which fuels the self hatred. I always think Paul and the girls would be so happy with me gone because I'm not as funny as them, I'm too serious, I'm too screwed up, I am gross and disgusting looking, so it's no wonder my husband doesn't want to be intimate.
Right now I hate every part of me so I'm hoping by going to sleep, these racing thoughts will dissipate. It's so hard because my urge is just to give up, but that won't happen because of the promises I made to Paul and the girls. I know I'm complicating my life and making it worse with these negative thought, but when I get like this, there is nothing I can find to reduce the intensity of this self loathing.
So, due to the binging, I ate 2,418 calories today with no walk or recumbent bike and only 4 cups of water. Now I get to add on a couple more failures.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just fed up with how my mood changes like this.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I had a 2 lb loss this week and I must admit I was disappointed. I just thought the first week I would lose more. Oh well, a loss is better than a gain.
Workout with my personal trainer was tough, but good. Can't say I enjoyed it, but I did notice that I started really depressed and left feeling okay, not super happy, but calm and that was a good improvement. I later went for a moderate to brisk walk with my two puppies.
Headache really bad, so going to bed early...11:07 p.m., now that's really early for me!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I slept ten hours last night and it was exactly what I needed. Although I had a wicked headache all day that wouldn't let up despite ibuprophen, tylenol and aromatherapy oils, it was an okay day.
There was no walk today due to the pain and nausea, but that's okay. Looking over this last week I did accomplish a lot...I worked out with my personal trainer twice and walked four times, and that's pretty amazing coming from someone who did nothing but sit on her recliner and watch t.v. So, I'm pretty happy about this.
I enjoyed crocheting while watching Army Wives all afternoon and it was nice to have a quiet day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Being a perfectionist all I can say is that this day was hell. I was paying bills online when I realized that I paid $500 to a visa card I no longer have. I called my bank, but they were unable to help as the TD bank, which is where the non-existent visa card is, does not permit bank to bank corrections, the owner has to deal with it. So, now my husband (as he was the main card holder) has to go into the TD bank with a print out of our bank account showing the error and ask for a cheque which could take up to 8 weeks to process. Anger is mild as to how I feel towards myself.
I unwound quick and couldn't stop crying or calling myself names. It was a constant "You're so f**king stupid. You don't deserve to live." I took 2 ativan and went to bed for a couple of hours. When I woke I didn't feel much better, and realized Paul had gone for the daily walk without me. Rather than stay home like I would have in the past, I took Lacey and Bree for a 20 minute walk. Afterwards, Paul and I took the puppies for a nice drive.
I'm still really down, and my eyes burn from the tears forming. I know it's not healthy to be so hard on myself and I'm hoping that as time goes by with getting healthy, that this will rub off on my emotional well being as well.
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