Monday, November 16, 2009
Up 2.5 lbs. I discovered I gained on Friday which sent me to the F**k It camp. I proceeded to eat more than I should and as for any desire to exercise, well that went by the wayside. I hadn't made it to the pool either what with the depression leaving me in bed. Last night though and this morning while journaling, I was brutally honest with myself and knew that if I didn't get my act in gear that 250 lb mark just looming at the edge would become my reality.
So, with a new attitude I geared up for the first day and so far so good. I went to the pool community rehab 60 minute workout today and worked hard. Every part of me hurts, but it feels good because it reminds me I'm alive. I go to this Mon, Wed and Fri. On Tue, Thur & Sat, I'm going to ride my recumbent bike.
For my A.C.T. therapy skills group, part of our homework was to compose a eulogy that would be delivered if I died living how I currently do, followed by one if I lived a life worth living. The first was a no brainer for me, but still, it left me feeling sad knowing I died with depression being what defined me. As for the latter, there was no mention of accolades, awards or anything like that, it was all about my love for my husband, daughters, doggies, family, friends and one dream, of walking through the vast landscape of our country property with tons of dogs in tow. This eulogy made me smile and feel calm and peaceful. This is definitely what I aim to shoot for.
I need a shift to happen to get me out of this phase of my depression where all I do is sleep. I did get up at 9 a.m. to take my meds and have breakfast, but I returned to bed and got up at 12:40 p.m. At first I was mad I did this, but then I reminded myself that setting the alarm for 9 a.m. and actually getting up was a gigantic move. So what I went back to bed, the purpose is to get my body used to moving when the alarm sounds. Sooner than later I'll stay up after my meds & breakfast.
I'm holding on to this excess weight for a reason and now my goal is to find out why. A lot more journaling to reach that pinnacle. In the meantime, I'll do what I know works and not wait for an answer before I start getting healthy. I'm slowly killing myself and again, I don't know why. The answer is lurking just below the surface and my job is to keep nudging until it reveals itself to me.
I want to be normal. I want to be healthy. I want to be active. Is this too much to ask?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I lost 1.4 lbs this week. Definitely not what I had hoped for, but better than a kick in the butt. In reviewing last week I found the following:
- I didn't drink at least 8 glasses of water daily
- I was below my minimum calories 5 days
- I exercised twice
This upcoming week I will:
- Ensure I drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water daily
- Ensure I eat at least 1,200 calories
- Ride my recumbent bike daily for a minimum of 10 minutes in addition to going to the pool 3 times
- Focus more on getting active rather than weight loss
I'm so damned sick and tired of being obsessed about my excessive weight that I think I avoid actually losing any. I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but when I look at the pain I feel 99% of the time, I just want to escape. By getting involved in going to the pool at least 3 times per week, going to the depression group once a week, helping out with the hot lunches weekly and this week, trying to get to the choir, plus my regular physio and massage appointments, these outings will get me out of myself and into my life, thus not focusing on my weight as much. I do believe that is possible, now I just have to make it happen. When the Tuesday craft get together with the women from the depression group starts, I think I'll attend. I'll be able to take my crocheting, even knitting when I start that or go and learn something brand new. I think the key to success in losing weight is to become an active participant in life, my life.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Today I slept. I slept all day. Literally. At 4:30 p.m. when Paul got home, I finally pulled my body from the security of my bed. I missed the depression group, physiotherapy and pool. Do I regret this? Of course, but there's not a hell of a lot I can do about it now. I allowed my body to become one with my mind which resulted in my sleeping so many hours. I didn't want to rise and be aware of how crappy I felt. It's easier to live in my dreams when I feel this way. I don't binge. I don't cry. I don't feel. I just sleep. I can't even remember my dreams, but I know I did dream because I awoke to a cold sweat a few times. It was during those waking moments that I consciously made the decision to return to bed. I was up and moving about, but my mind was shut off from the world, so curling up under my flannel sheets felt safe. It's almost 10:00 p.m. and I'm going to bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open and yes, I admit it, I can hardly wait to sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day, an opportunity to go to the pool and rejuvenate my body, mind and spirit. I don't want a repeat of today because I never feel better from all that sleep, just more tired and hopeless.
The image can be found at madzz.deviantart.com/art/sleep-56156
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Bluer than blue, sadder than sad....that's all I can remember, but the song is playing over and over in my head and appropriately so since I'm feeling quite depressed. Paul asked me to rate my depression out of 10 and I told him I was around a 6. So not so bad I couldn't function, but enough to make me feel on the verge of tears and not want to do anything. I actually picked up my crocheting and worked on it for a couple of hours and seeing what I completed made me feel a bit relieved and kind of happy for a few seconds.
I woke up depressed and despite being out this afternoon, it wouldn't lift. When I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep, but I just said 'no way' and forced myself to do the opposite of what the depression wanted. I get scared when I'm down. I always fear this is it, this is how every day will be for the rest of my life. When I think like this, it all feels so overwhelming and that I'm drowning in my many fears. I can't live life like that, with the old 'what if' scenario dangling above my head. I need to be more willing to live in the moment. Easier said than done.
I didn't make it to the pool today and I'm annoyed with myself for avoiding it considering how much I love being there. I mean, on Monday, I had one hour in the pool doing the rehab workout, followed by another hour lazing in the lukewarm pool and spa. I loved every single minute of it. Being able to sit in the warm water is wonderful since I don't have baths anymore. Stopped doing that about 70 lbs ago. Anyway, I'm definitely going tomorrow after my depression group and physiotherapy. It will be a nice way to relax before I go to the choir for the first time on Thursday night.
At the A.C.T. group on Monday night, we had an outline of a head and were instructed to write out a pain we have along with any thoughts or feelings associated with it. For me, my initial pain is SHAME. The off shoots of this SHAME are stupid, lazy, fear, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, mental illnesses, I don't stick to things, overeating/binging, obsessing, I can't do anything right, I never finish anything, all or nothing, black or white. This week I'm to carry this piece of paper with my pain written on it inside my pocket. The purpose of doing this is to work with being willing to embrace my pain like I would a crying child, walk with my pain as I would with a sobbing infant, honour my pain the way I would with a friend by listening and abandoning the war with my pain like a soldier who puts down his weapons to walk home. I'm going to work hard on this task this week. I'm tired of how I'm living. I've let my shame become who I identify with. I need to forgive myself, and to be honest, I don't know if I can. I still find myself in awe at how Paul and the girls want me in their life after everything I've done. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst with Paul saying 'get out, get out now!' I know I have Paul on a pedestal like he can do no wrong, but I honestly believe that there is no man as gentle, loving, generous, patient and caring as he is. I sewed buttons on his pants and shirts and he was grateful for this small act I did for him. Some nights I lay in bed just watching him sleep, his chest rising and falling with each breath and I'm brought to tears by the magnitude of love I feel for him.
It's 10:00 p.m. and I'm headed off to bed. I took my meds at 8:15 p.m., so I'm actually feeling tired.
The above image is from
Monday, November 02, 2009
So, what does caramels, chocolate, tootsie rolls and McDonald's equal? Weight gain. 3 lbs to be exact. I'm disappointed in myself to say the least. I'm now back at my start weight yet again.
Today is a new week and I start the community rehabilitation at the pool this afternoon. That exercise in addition to not over eating will ensure a weight loss.
Something is going on here. I keep sabotaging myself and I don't know why. I can't seem to stick to a plan. I over plan setting numerous goals, then mess up on every single one of them. I need to figure out what is going on here, or before I know it, I'll be at 300 lbs, writing the same words as I write here now.
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