Sunday, October 25, 2009
A quiet Sunday evening as Paul is upstairs watching the hockey game. This week I joined a choir, called The Harmony Choir. sing songs like “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” My first time to go will be this Thursday and I'm so excited. A woman I met at the depression group just joined and we're going together. I have to pick her up, so that will help me go as I know she needs a ride. Sounds silly to need to have an excuse to go, but I know me and that come Thursday, I'll start to get scared, then back away and find some excuse not to go. So, having to pick her up will get me to the choir and from there I know I'll have so much fun. I'm looking forward to learning how to sing harmony. At xmas when the girls are home, I'll be able to sing along with them and harmonize like they do.
I'm been twice to the depression group and I really, really like it. The woman are so kind and supportive. It's such a relief to have a place to be with women who know how hard it can be to just get out of bed. At group I shared how I felt that going to physio & massage appointments didn't count as going out, but the women quickly reminded me that indeed it did count. They pointed out that to get to these appointments, I would have to get dressed, brush my teeth, shower and then the biggie, actually leave the house. I never looked at it that way, but it really made a lot of sense and that I need to celebrate those moments as well.
The new pool just opened up and I'm so excited. I'm going to Walmart to buy a swim suit and start swimming daily again. It's been years since I swam, and I never imagined I would do it at this weight, but I got to thinking that swimming was one activity that I felt so calm while doing. Pushing through the cool water is a very mindful act and with each inhale as my head dips underneath, I feel swept away to paradise. Floating in the warmer pool always brought me a sense of peace that I didn't experience elsewhere. So, I'm pushing through the pile of bricks that is my fear and going somewhere that will replenish my soul.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
It hit me hard tonight; I do not want to be fat at my daughter's wedding. Now this is jumping the gun since neither of my daughters are engaged, but still, the thought of being this overweight makes me sick. I got panicked because I know my youngest daughter may be getting engaged sometime in the near future, and who knows, a wedding may not be far off. I know the day is all about the bride, but I don't want to be the bride's fat mother. I want my daughters to be proud of their mother and getting to a normal, healthy weight is the way I can do it. Maybe this knowledge is the kick in the butt I need. So, speaking of that, I'm off to ride my bike.
The image can be found at sumochicks.deviantart.com/art/Sumo-S
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I went to the depression support group this afternoon and it was just what I needed. The women were all so welcoming and really highlighted baby steps I'd made. It was comforting to be in an environment where others could understand how difficult it can be just to have a shower. The facilitator asked if phoning me the morning of group would help me get there and I said 'yes.' Viewing it as an obligation will give me that push I need to leave the safety of home. The group also has craft days on Tuesdays and Fridays so I'll probably check that out at some point.
I didn't eat anything until 4:30 p.m., and now I feel extremely full from eating a day's worth of food in a couple of hours. I'm just about to head off to ride my recumbent bike...day 4 almost completed!
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