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Get Lost Avoidance Monster!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What a difference a couple of hours make. I laid down after posting my last blog and all I could think of was how Lacey really needed grooming. I kept saying "get up" in my head and finally I was able to force my body to move. I groomed Lacey and it's good I did because the area on her paw that she licks was raw. Now I'll be able to treat the area without all the hair getting in the way. I felt a bit better after I finished.

Next I phoned my sister-in-law to offer my help with the lunches tomorrow, but she had found someone who could help. She said I could help next week. So with the aid of a stool or chair to sit on while putting the sandwiches together, I'll be able to help out which is something I really want to do. While on the phone, I set up a time tomorrow to get together for coffee. This time on the phone I felt more confident and able to talk.

So, two things that were bothering me earlier, now don't, and that's because I was able to push away the avoidance monster that haunts me continually.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREA0301 10/28/2009 10:19AM

    Well done! I'm so glad you're feeling better, and glad that Lacey is as well. emoticon emoticon

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TANYAHDG 10/27/2009 10:23PM

    Great job Cathie! And where do you fine your pics they are always outstanding!

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ANSING 10/27/2009 10:10PM

    Great, Cathie! It does feel better once it's done, doesn't it!

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TIME4AFITME 10/27/2009 8:39PM

    That is so great! Proud of you

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LEAKAY59 10/27/2009 7:27PM

    I am VERY proud of you, Warrior Sister!

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I Feel Like Crap

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I feel like crap. I also feel like an idiot. I just got off the phone and am mad I was at a loss for words. It was a call to my sister-in-law to say I couldn't meet for coffee today. Simple enough, but no, I felt panic and fear and then on the phone I was speechless. Why do I get like this on the phone? It's why I avoid the phone at all costs. Stupid. I'm also mad at myself that I've let myself get so big that the plantar fasciitis has really flared up and standing is extremely painful. Because of this I can't help my sister-in-law out with making lunches at her son's school. She's going to be alone tomorrow, and I really wanted to say "I can help" but knew I couldn't. Damn.

This week my weight stayed the same and that makes me mad. In retrospect I have to admit that I stopped recording my food on Wednesday and only biked 3 days, so it's no wonder I didn't lose weight.

Lacey is in desperate need of a grooming, and I'm going to do it this afternoon. I'm able to use a chair on wheels to groom her so I don't have to stand. The thought of grooming her makes me feel overwhelmed which in turn makes me want to avoid it all together.

I feel so tired which is stupid since I got up at noon. I wonder if this tiredness is because of the depression or meds or plain laziness. I can see it now...Here lies Cathie, Lazy Till The End.

Yuck, that's how I feel.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEAKAY59 10/27/2009 7:06PM

    Congratulations on having the strength of will to put this post out here. Getting it out of your heart and mind, and getting it down on paper is one of the first steps you can take to feel better about yourself. Andrea is right - look at what you accomplished! You tracked and logged your food Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday! Great job! Fabulous! Now the question - why did you stop logging? What was the one decision made to start the slide? If you can figure that one out, you're fully halfway to not making that decision again. If you need us to, one of us could contact you by Spark Mail each day to help you get going to logging and moving. We really ARE here for you!

Then you exercised three days on the bike. emoticon Was it the same three days? Was it the same decision that started the slide? If it was, how much easier to fix! We can do this if we all work together! One step, one minute, one movement at a time.

An "idiot" would not recognize the things in themselves that you see. An "idiot" thinks they're fine the way they are. You know you are not, therefore you OBVIOUSLY are not an idiot!


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ANDREA0301 10/27/2009 5:13PM

    Okay, now - Let's imagine a friend just called and had the same issues you are experiencing today. Would you tell her she was stupid? Would you call her an idiot? Would you tell her she's a loser for not being there for her sister-in-law?

I didn't think so.

You would encourage her. You would remind her that she can't do it all at once and that she has had some really good days this week.

Guess what?

* You can't do it all at once.
* You had some REALLY good days this week.
* You know what you need to do and every moment is a moment to make the right decisions for yourself.
* You ARE worth this!

Now, go to the nearest mirror, smile, look yourself in the eyes and say at least 3 positive things!

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ANSING 10/27/2009 5:00PM

    Sometimes I think I feel tired so I won't have to deal with it all.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

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New Things In My Life

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A quiet Sunday evening as Paul is upstairs watching the hockey game. This week I joined a choir, called The Harmony Choir. sing songs like “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” My first time to go will be this Thursday and I'm so excited. A woman I met at the depression group just joined and we're going together. I have to pick her up, so that will help me go as I know she needs a ride. Sounds silly to need to have an excuse to go, but I know me and that come Thursday, I'll start to get scared, then back away and find some excuse not to go. So, having to pick her up will get me to the choir and from there I know I'll have so much fun. I'm looking forward to learning how to sing harmony. At xmas when the girls are home, I'll be able to sing along with them and harmonize like they do.

I'm been twice to the depression group and I really, really like it. The woman are so kind and supportive. It's such a relief to have a place to be with women who know how hard it can be to just get out of bed. At group I shared how I felt that going to physio & massage appointments didn't count as going out, but the women quickly reminded me that indeed it did count. They pointed out that to get to these appointments, I would have to get dressed, brush my teeth, shower and then the biggie, actually leave the house. I never looked at it that way, but it really made a lot of sense and that I need to celebrate those moments as well.

The new pool just opened up and I'm so excited. I'm going to Walmart to buy a swim suit and start swimming daily again. It's been years since I swam, and I never imagined I would do it at this weight, but I got to thinking that swimming was one activity that I felt so calm while doing. Pushing through the cool water is a very mindful act and with each inhale as my head dips underneath, I feel swept away to paradise. Floating in the warmer pool always brought me a sense of peace that I didn't experience elsewhere. So, I'm pushing through the pile of bricks that is my fear and going somewhere that will replenish my soul.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TANYAHDG 10/27/2009 1:04AM

    Hi Cathie. I wish you every success; keep pushing through!

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ANSING 10/26/2009 6:08PM

    Cathie, I am so happy you found a group that's right for you. I feel so good for you about this.

I use to sing in the choir in school, I enjoyed it very much. I think you will too!

Good luck with your swimming!

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LEAKAY59 10/26/2009 10:27AM

    Cathie, you are an amazing person. I am glad I am having a chance to get to know you. You are making such good choices, in spite of your fears and afflictions. And knowing yourself well enough to know ahead of time that you will try to find excuses not to go to the choir, you instead set yourself up with a reason to make sure you go! I am nominating you as a Spark Motivator!

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I Can't Be The Fat Mother Of The Bride

Saturday, October 17, 2009

It hit me hard tonight; I do not want to be fat at my daughter's wedding. Now this is jumping the gun since neither of my daughters are engaged, but still, the thought of being this overweight makes me sick. I got panicked because I know my youngest daughter may be getting engaged sometime in the near future, and who knows, a wedding may not be far off. I know the day is all about the bride, but I don't want to be the bride's fat mother. I want my daughters to be proud of their mother and getting to a normal, healthy weight is the way I can do it. Maybe this knowledge is the kick in the butt I need. So, speaking of that, I'm off to ride my bike.

The image can be found at sumochicks.deviantart.com/art/Sumo-S

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VALERIENEAL 10/17/2009 12:24PM

    That was one of my motivations, but I was the Mother of the Groom. Thing was, my husband left the wedding reception and spent the night at his girlfriends house-we were separated at the time because a friend that I helped out when her crack addicted husband tried to kill her by giving her a place to stay, (we have 2 trailers, she stayed in the front one) food, clothing and what ever else she needed, decided to repay me by going after my husband....... We have reconciled, she is gone, and all her neighbors are finding out just what kind of person she is....... I know your daughters are proud of you no matter what, but I also understand how hard it is to function at times, I still have anxiety attacks and will sit in the middle of the floor of what ever room I am trying to clean and just cry. You can do this, and the wonderful thing is you don't have to do this alone!

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KAYAKKIM 10/17/2009 9:13AM

    I agree with you Karen, but I also know a goal with a time limit can be a good "kick in the butt". As long as you set realistic expectations and recognize your changes (whether you are measuring by scale or otherwise) a wedding in the future could be a powerful external motivator. Good luck and be true to yourself!

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LEAKAY59 10/17/2009 9:12AM

    Cathie - your motivation is and will always be, only your own! If this image is what it takes, so be it, but K_Wren is right, love yourself first. My vision collage ended up being much simpler than those of others I've looked at, but for me it says it all. You can check it out in my blogs if you like. Now go back and ride that bike some more for the Outrageous Oranges!

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CHANGES4KAREN 10/17/2009 7:42AM

    Well, your daughters getting married or engaged or maybe getting married or engaged can be wonderful motivation but don't you think that picture is being a little hard on yourself??? I am glad that you have great motivation!!! That is wonderful!!! But try to be kind to yourself... my former eating disorder therapist used to say, find something that I like about my body and not just my eyes or my hair. Learning to like my body helped me to like myself which helped me to have motivation that was not just external because I really started to enjoy my body even though I wasn't completely skinny minnie which is OK. I consider "on the journey" worth the while. Find something beautiful about yourself today!!! Inside and outside!!! Love you Cathie~
Hugs, Karen
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Depression Group Was Good

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I went to the depression support group this afternoon and it was just what I needed. The women were all so welcoming and really highlighted baby steps I'd made. It was comforting to be in an environment where others could understand how difficult it can be just to have a shower. The facilitator asked if phoning me the morning of group would help me get there and I said 'yes.' Viewing it as an obligation will give me that push I need to leave the safety of home. The group also has craft days on Tuesdays and Fridays so I'll probably check that out at some point.

I didn't eat anything until 4:30 p.m., and now I feel extremely full from eating a day's worth of food in a couple of hours. I'm just about to head off to ride my recumbent bike...day 4 almost completed!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 10/17/2009 7:37AM

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TRUECHIC 10/17/2009 6:34AM

    My belief is that when someone with agorophobia walks to the top of the path to their home, they have achieved as much as any mountaineer for they have managed to overcome immense fear and reluctance. Blog posts like this one you have written are immensely valuable, they help readers in a number of ways, showing that the seemingly unfaceable can be done, and that there are others out there with the same problems. You will benefit so much from these workshops, particularly having such an understanding facilitator.

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ANSING 10/16/2009 11:40PM

    I am glad the support group was helpful for you.

Hugs, and take care,

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LEAKAY59 10/16/2009 6:04PM

    The first step is always the hardest. I'm so glad you made it. Sounds like you have a great group leader, too. We're here for you too, you know. It's not ALL about the weight loss, it's about learning to live the better life.

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DHAZ09 10/16/2009 7:25AM

    Glad you found the group helpful!! The craft days sound fun too!
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VALERIENEAL 10/16/2009 12:01AM

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