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Depression Begets Negativity Which Begets Depression And So On...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another day of sleeping, but this time the dreams were disturbing. That didn't stop me from returning to my bed when awoken with a cold sweat, racing heart and sense of panic. Laying in the fetal position under my flannel sheets and feeling the softness of the fleece blanket against my face brought me comfort. I'm allowing the depression to run it's course and if sleep is what I need, then sleep it will be. Not sure if that's the right solution, but for now it's about the biggest decision I'm able to make.

There is a depression group that meets on Thursday afternoons here in town and I'm thinking maybe I'll go. I've been to it in the past, but as with everything, I quit. I'm now wondering if I should return. It would force me to get up, get dressed (I did that today), leave the house & be with other people who know exactly how I'm feeling.

I've been given the advice to tackle one thing on my to do list and for the last two days I did just that. I got on that recumbent bike and rode it for 10 minutes each time. It took a hell of a lot of energy to do that, but at least when I went to bed, I could feel I accomplished something.

I send out my blog to my family and a few close friends, but lately I've been feeling really exposed and vulnerable in doing it. I question whether they really need to read blog upon blog where I'm expressing depressing thoughts. They all have busy lives and I'm just thinking that the last thing they need is to have negativity emailed to them. I'm going to email all of them and ask if they wish to continue receiving my blogs. I just don't want to be a bother to any of them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 10/15/2009 1:38AM

    I experienced depression for years and I believe that your family would rather know you are alive and kicking and making an attempt to see your way through this thing then to have you slip off the map. Your friends here support you, too. If someone doesn't support you it is on them and not on you. You are doing the best you can and you will get there. I am glad you are expressing yourself. I am glad you want to go to this support group. And way to go for getting on the recumbant bike. You ARE putting out effort. You are reading positive material, you are reaching out, you are making efforts in fitness. Sooner or later, it is all going to gel. Don't worry about the sooner or the later...just hang in there. You are cared about!!!

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ANSING 10/14/2009 11:30PM

    Good job on riding your bike. You are never a bother to me, and I'm sure your friends and family want to know what's going on with you.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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VALERIENEAL 10/14/2009 10:19PM

    I am so proud of you for accomplishing something.

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LEAKAY59 10/14/2009 9:42PM

    if they are real family and true friends, they will be more concerned with what is going on with you than they are with being "bothered" by your blogs. I'm betting you will get a positive response from those who truly care about you. But don't stop blogging here, whatever you decide to do there - we do care, and at least most of us try to be nonjudmental and walk a mile in someone else's shoes before making any comments at all. We're here for you. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/14/2009 9:43:09 PM

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Escape To Dreamland

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The above image can be found at frozenstarro.deviantart.com/art/Fair

I slept all day, literally. I got up at 7 am, had breakfast, then went back to bed until 1 pm, got up for my meds, then retreated to my safe haven until 4:30 pm when I finally stayed up. I hide in my dreams. For the most part they are good, comforting and sometimes even joyous which is in stark contrast to how I feel when I'm awake. To a normal person, this doesn't make any sense; however, to someone with depression, they know all too well the peace experienced with sleep. Each time I returned to bed, I would plan what I should be doing, grooming Bree, biking, journaling, all things I have good intentions to finish, but then sleep overcomes me and I am in wonderful dreamland.

Tomorrow I'll try again to live in my waking hours

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 10/14/2009 8:31PM

    Be well, Cathie...sometimes sleep protects us from things we do not even know. Have courage, there is always tomorrow. Let your light grow!!! I know you have a lovely spirit. Nurture yourself, my dear. Be good to you!!!

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MSJULES01 10/14/2009 11:58AM

    Thank you for posting. We are all here for you.
Take it one day at a time.

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LEAKAY59 10/14/2009 7:48AM

    One day at a time, Cathie. At least you have your dreams. DH is going through a period of depression right now because of his health and not being able to find work, but his sleeping hours are also filled with nightmares, some of which wake him up in a clod sweat. So give thanks for your good dreams, and try Chocmom's route - one thing on your list. Be Orange!
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CHOCMOM 10/14/2009 6:04AM

  Just for today - take on one thing on your todo list. Don't look at the whole list - pick one thing and finish it. I know other things jump on that list while you are trying to finish that one thing. But don't worry about that. Do one thing. Finish one thing today. You will be so proud of yourself that you will be ready to take on the next thing. The key is not to overwhelm yourself worrying about your long todo list. This is something I learned during my therapy classes for depression. These days my house is rarely clean from top to bottome - one room at a time. I have an ongoing todo list on my refrigerator. Every time I line something off, I put a smiley face beside it. I often have to add to the list but that is ok. It reminds me that I have a purpose.

Try this Cathie and after you finish that one thing, go back to bed and think about how proud you are that you got that done! When you do, you will start realizing how good you would feel to get out of bed and go finish something else.

One thing at a time, one day at a time - I know it is cliche - but it is cliche because it works. emoticon

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VALERIENEAL 10/14/2009 12:00AM

    Oh to escape to Dream Land!!! Sometimes I wish I could. I have the opposite struggle, sleep, childlike sleep, seems to be but an elusive dream these days. Perhaps it is age, or stress, not sure which. As always you are in my prayers.

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ANSING 10/13/2009 11:39PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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My Before Pic For The 8 Week Battle #6

Monday, October 12, 2009

Start Weight: 242 lbs
BMI: 40.4 morbid obesity
Neck: 16"
Arm: 15.5"
Chest: 47"
Waist: 45"
Hips: 51"
Thigh: 29"
Calf: 16"
Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.88 high risk apple shape
Body Fat %: 56.1%

These stats embarrass me and that is precisely why I am posting them here. I am ashamed of how I've chosen to get bigger and bigger. It's no wonder I'm having plantar fasciitis pain when I weigh as much as I do. I hear myself wheezing when I breathe and that scares me that I'll undo the hiatal hernia repair. I can't lift my legs high enough to put my underwear and pants on, so I have to sit on the bed to do it. Walking up the stairs is a feat in and of itself.

I'm most frustrated with the fact that I keep "starting," but never finishing. I take "before" pics, but "after" are never achieved. I create vision collages, but nothing on it transpires at the end. Every Monday I start anew, only to binge on the weekend. My greatest fear is happening...I'm getting nearer and nearer to 300. I'm tired of trying to analyze why I'm doing this to myself. Who cares? Just start doing what is needed to lose this weight. Knowing why I sabotage myself doesn't help me exercise. I need a swift kick in the ass. Back to basics.

So, I begin day 1 of the 8 Week Battle with feelings of shame and anger and I'll use these emotions to push me to do what is required to lose this weight once and for all!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 10/12/2009 8:53PM

    Is that you smiling up there? You are not 300lbs!!! I did weigh 350lbs. I still am not as low as you weigh!!! It is all a matter of perspective! Even though I have lost weight on the road I know that if I hit the panic button and look at my faults and my false starts, I will just be so sad and so sorry for everything!!! I look at it this way, you have not given up!!!!! That is called perseverance, my friend!!! Which is really exciting because it is kind of like determination or tenacity!!! You keep working on changing your desires from wanting to eat and stuff your feelings to wanting to eat nourishing, healthy foods and program your body to loving exercise instead of coaxing yourself to do it, you will find yourself full of wonder in how it all happened...but truly...it is happening right now!!! Every time you try, you are getting closer to being in that place!!! Just keep your focus and when you forget pick yourself up and keep doing that and you will get there! For some of us it is harder than others! I believe you want to change because you are ready to battle over and over again and you want to be brave! So, keep your eye on the prize and enjoy the journey because it will take you places you never dreamed you'd go and you will be glad!!!


Comment edited on: 10/12/2009 8:54:40 PM

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ANSING 10/12/2009 6:40PM

    You are a strong woman, Cathie. I know you can do this.

Best of luck,

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CHOCMOM 10/12/2009 5:54PM

  I use to walk around whining and complaining that I needed to quit smoking, I needed to quit drinking, I needed to lose weight, I needed to spend my money more wisely and so on. I wasn't getting anywhere on any of them and I was depressed all the time. Then someone said to me "Bridget take on only one issue and fight that battle, don't group them all together". So I quit drinking, I quit smoking and now I am fighting my weight battle and I am making progress - it is slow, not as fast as I wish it was, but it is progress. I work on the money issues from time to time. Everyone of these issues took time. Daily I fight the "I don't want to exercise Monster". I wish I could be one of those people who love exercising but wishing is not going to get me there. But by making myself do it EVERYDAY, I am getting closer. And like someone else said, I take it one day at a time. Saturday, I binged on food, but that was Saturday, that is in my past - today a new battle began and I am ready, just like you are Cathie. You have shown that warrior spirit over and over. Make yourself notes "I am a warrior and I will win the fight" and post them around where you will see them first thing when you wake up. Focus on today only, each day is a new day. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!

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VALERIENEAL 10/12/2009 5:20PM

    The hardest part of this battle has just been won. Each and every member of this battle is here for you and we each believe in you. We are all on this journey together, to help and support each other, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! One day at a time, one hour at a time, or minute by minute if need be. Let us know how we can help!!!

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LHOLEWIN 10/12/2009 5:19PM

    You can do this. Please add me as a friend as we continue this journey together. I also find it much easier to do the right thing through the week. Stay on the right track and log all you eat. It will help you understand where you are falling off track.


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LEAKAY59 10/12/2009 5:18PM

    Knowing is half the battle, they say, and you seem to know your issues. Now is the time to confront each one as it comes up. Don't look ahead to this coming weekend. Focus on today, this moment, this mouthful. Is it healthy? SO I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO PUT THIS IN MY BODY? We've all been there, so never be afraid to admit your shortcomings. Mine are mostly that I give in to my DH way too easily for my own good! LOL! I'm working on my backbone, and I expect you to help me, and I'll help you - okay? Go Outrageous Oranges! "YES, WE CAN!" emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A New Week By Week Template For The 8 Week Battle #6 Members

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hi everyone participating in the 8 week battle #6! It's sure to be a great challenge for all of us. I revised the template I created in battle #5 for ease of use. You can still use that one if you wish by going to the team page, links and clicking on "Template for 8-Week Battle #6 Spreadsheet" posted by LAWOLF2. Thanks LAWOLF2 for posting it because I had forgotten all about it.

Now, on to a different template that may entice you on your journey....


The above link will take you to a revised template to aid in your 8 week battle. I setup a sheet for each week so you can see it at a glance. The weeks are located at the bottom of the sheet ie: week #1, week #2 etc. As well, there is a summary sheet called "Summary of Battle" where you can see your weight loss, BMI, points earned etc. Here is a screenshot of the summary page.

Have fun and if you have suggestions for change, do let me know!

Orange Squad www.editgrid.com/user/cathielacey/Te

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BITEMENCO 10/10/2009 10:24PM

    I've tried that link a couple of different times today, and I always get the same message.....

Sorry, nothing is here.
Please check the URL for proper spelling. If you're having trouble locating a destination that you are looking for, try visiting our home page.

I'm not sure why I can't access the page. Any suggestions?


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CHANGES4KAREN 10/9/2009 12:32PM

    Looks helpful and creative...keep up the great work!!!

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LAWOLF2 10/9/2009 9:33AM

    I like how you made separate worksheets for each week. That makes things much easier to see. I had just tried to put it all on the one page.

Good luck in the battle.


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-CAPRICOUS 10/8/2009 2:30AM

    This is great! Thank you for sharing this!! Look forward to seeing you in the battles, even thought we may not be on the same team. =]

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CHANGEISGOOD 10/8/2009 2:15AM

    Thanx for the helpful tool. Looking forward to doing battle with you!


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TANYAHDG 10/8/2009 1:14AM

    Nice job Cathie; thanks for shring with the team.

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I've Crawled Out Of The Darkness Once Again

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This beautiful image can be found at tiny.cc/NAp9Y

I absolutely love the image above. This warrior is titled "New Age Warrior." I like the colourful tattoos that appear strong and defiant, yet feminine and beautiful. The look in her eyes is one of sheer determination to do whatever is needed to be a warrior. She is within me and I need to change my willfulness to willingness and let her soar through the bars that keep her hidden. I must free her so that she may guide me on this journey to better health and stop me from my continual self sabotage. I feel she will fight the demons of my depression; although I may retreat to my inner world, she will ensure that I continue to take care of myself with distractions or self soothing.

I have joined the SparkTeam '8 Week Battle #6' that starts on October 12th. I want to be successful with this battle and actually lose weight and show consistency with my exercise. It's so hard with this depressive episode to do anything, but I do feel a shift that it is lightening it's hold on me. Paul left for work at 6:30 a.m. and I've stayed awake since (it's now 3:47 p.m.) I did go back to bed twice, but I tossed and turned and finally just got up. When I start to emerge from the darkness, I feel lost and unsure of what I should or want to do. It's a fuzzy stage, one where I feel adrift in a sea with no horizon. I'll find my way, but it will take time. I'm just grateful that I crawled out once again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 10/9/2009 12:30PM

    It certainly looks like you are ready to do battle, my friend!!! I just read something really nice..."It is when it is dark out that we can see the stars."!!! I just have that image in my mind of twinkling stars on a dark, dark night and I think, how it is as they say, " Darkest before the dawn"! I imagine you or I, at a crucial moment, crawling out from a dark state and then wings unfurled, reaching for the light, like a Phoenix rising to fly again. Fight on, and fight well, dear Cathie!!!

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BLABBERMOUTH2 10/7/2009 11:33PM

    I'm so glad you have out of the darkness once again to face a new day and a new you. Your sister warriors are here, ready to support you in any way we can.


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ANSING 10/7/2009 11:20PM

    It's a beautiful, strong image. I hope it helps you reach your goals.

Good luck in the coming battle!

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SPARKLOVE 10/7/2009 7:35PM

    Nice picture. You can do this! Keep the faith that you can.
Best wishes on your battle. Joy

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KARENIN1DERLAND 10/7/2009 7:17PM

    I like the image too!!! She is there to help you, and more importantly, YOU can help yourself!!! emoticon

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