Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Another day of sleeping, but this time the dreams were disturbing. That didn't stop me from returning to my bed when awoken with a cold sweat, racing heart and sense of panic. Laying in the fetal position under my flannel sheets and feeling the softness of the fleece blanket against my face brought me comfort. I'm allowing the depression to run it's course and if sleep is what I need, then sleep it will be. Not sure if that's the right solution, but for now it's about the biggest decision I'm able to make.
There is a depression group that meets on Thursday afternoons here in town and I'm thinking maybe I'll go. I've been to it in the past, but as with everything, I quit. I'm now wondering if I should return. It would force me to get up, get dressed (I did that today), leave the house & be with other people who know exactly how I'm feeling.
I've been given the advice to tackle one thing on my to do list and for the last two days I did just that. I got on that recumbent bike and rode it for 10 minutes each time. It took a hell of a lot of energy to do that, but at least when I went to bed, I could feel I accomplished something.
I send out my blog to my family and a few close friends, but lately I've been feeling really exposed and vulnerable in doing it. I question whether they really need to read blog upon blog where I'm expressing depressing thoughts. They all have busy lives and I'm just thinking that the last thing they need is to have negativity emailed to them. I'm going to email all of them and ask if they wish to continue receiving my blogs. I just don't want to be a bother to any of them.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The above image can be found at frozenstarro.deviantart.com/art/Fair
I slept all day, literally. I got up at 7 am, had breakfast, then went back to bed until 1 pm, got up for my meds, then retreated to my safe haven until 4:30 pm when I finally stayed up. I hide in my dreams. For the most part they are good, comforting and sometimes even joyous which is in stark contrast to how I feel when I'm awake. To a normal person, this doesn't make any sense; however, to someone with depression, they know all too well the peace experienced with sleep. Each time I returned to bed, I would plan what I should be doing, grooming Bree, biking, journaling, all things I have good intentions to finish, but then sleep overcomes me and I am in wonderful dreamland.
Tomorrow I'll try again to live in my waking hours
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