Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I lost 5 lbs this week, and yes, I am happy about that, but I'm not happy in general right now. I'm in the down of the roller coaster and as a result am lethargic, apathetic and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I give into the urge to sleep so that I don't have to walk beside the side of me that is disconnected to life right now. I should be using skills, but that means I'd have to have the energy to do them and I don't. It's been 2-1/2 weeks like this. Sleep, get up, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep.
I know this will pass, just as it always has, but still, in the deep, dark part of my mind, I'm always left to wonder 'Will it really pass this time?'
In the interim I need to get back to writing my morning pages, meditating and writing what I'm grateful for and proud of. These activities do indeed help my depression. I may not notice an immediate improvement, but over time, there is always some shift. I'm off to do them right now.
Today I'm grateful for:
1) the sound of Paul's voice when he calls me "sweetie"
2) the quiet when Paul & the dogs go for a walk
Today I'm proud of myself for:
1) riding my recumbent bike for 8 days in a row
2) eating healthy for 8 consecutive days
3) getting back to blogging
Friday, September 25, 2009
I bought this book ďThe First 30 Days: Your Guide to Making Any Change EasierĒ by Ariane de Bonvoisin. There are written exercises and Iíve decided to do them here in my blog rather than having another notebook to add to my pile. So, here goesÖ
Chapter 1: Change Your View of Change Ė Beliefs Can Make All The Difference
Principle 1: People who successfully navigate change have positive beliefs.
1) Get a sense of your current beliefs about change:
- Change is (hard, frustrating and overwhelming.)
- I am (not great) at change.
- Life is (what you make it.)
- The purpose of life is (to create a life worth living.)
- A crisis is a time (of fear & to have an honest look at my behaviours.
- Work is challenging.)
- Relationships are (wonderful.)
- Books about change are (educational, informative and motivating.)
2) The change I am experiencing is my desire to lose 95 lbs.
3) My beliefs about this change of losing 95 lbs are:
- Iíll never do it.
- The longest period Iíve consistently lost weight is 2 weeks.
- I plan, plan and over plan.
- I donít follow through on my plans.
- I donít finish what I start.
- I can't do this.
- Iím a quitter.
- Iím lazy.
- Iím gung ho in the beginning, but fade out after a few days.
- The longest period Iíve consistently exercised is 11 days.
- Iíll lose 30 lbs, then gain 40 lbs back.
- I don't deserve to be healthy and active.
- I sabotage good efforts by binging and not exercising.
- I won't be beautiful until I lose all this weight.
4) Imagine someone gave you a handful of optimism pills, what would those beliefs about your change be? Write these on a card & read several times a day.
- I can get healthy.
- The way to achieving my goal of losing weight is with baby steps.
- I have extensive knowledge on nutrition and fitness.
- I have a friend I can count on as my support buddy and together we can get healthy.
- If I keep my focus on one or two goals, and look at just today, I can build consistency with my eating and exercise.
- I have faced many challenges in the past and overcome them, so this is no different.
- I deserve to be healthy.
- I deserve to be happy.
- I deserve to be loved.
5) What are the worst things I say about myself or believe to be true about the person I am?
- I am bad.
- I am worthless.
- I am a quitter.
- I have to do it perfect or not do it at all.
- I am lazy.
- I don't deserve any good in my life.
- I am so lucky to have Paul because no one else would ever put up with me the way he has.
- I am a failure.
- I sabotage any and everything.
- I'm fat, disgusting and obese.
- I hate myself.
6) How do I sabotage myself when trying to make or face this change?
- When depressed, I'll sleep all day, then binge all night.
- After a couple of days of exercising, I'll miss one day, then get mad at myself and give up altogether.
- I haven't exercised in years and keep trying to do more than my physiotherapist suggests, thus hurting myself and not being able to exercise at all.
- I set too many goals.
- I spend too much time planning & organizing and never actually start.
- I'll stay awake all night.
- I spend too much time in my head.
- I don't use the skills I've learned in counseling.
- I isolate myself.
- I use the excuse 'it's so painful' to not exercise.
- I avoid everything and everyone.
- I distract myself with the computer and surf the internet for too many hours.
- I don't eat breakfast and lunch, which leads to over eating in the evening.
- I tell myself that 'I can't do it.'
- I have all or nothing thinking.
- I give up on myself.
7) Even if it's just 30 days, what better things can I believe? (Always start with 'I am...')
- I am intelligent.
- I am capable.
- I am able to set realistic goals.
- I am human and will make mistakes.
- I am loved by Paul for who I am, not how I look.
- I am creative.
- I am funny.
- I am patient.
- I am strong.
- I am brave.
- I am surrounded by people who love and support me.
- I am worthy.
- I am confident.
8) What is the one new thing you need to believe to get through the change you're experiencing? (Post it somewhere visible)
- I am a warrior who will fight this battle until it is won! I am going to be brave!
9) What are the strongest empowering beliefs you can have that will help you through this change?
- It is as it is.
- I will get through this.
- I'm not alone.
- I CAN change.
10) What are the best things you believe about yourself? Your skills, talents, qualities...What makes you, you?
- I'm resourceful.
- I'm creative.
- I'm a good writer.
- I can groom my dogs.
- I can train my dogs.
- I'm smart.
- I can be funny.
Alrighty then, that was kind of difficult. I realize how much I allow my beliefs to rule my life and stop me from engaging in it fully. I don't want to come to the end of my life with a ton of regrets about things I didn't do because of fear. Losing this weight and getting active are both terrifying to me, but I choose how difficult it will be based on which beliefs I want to buy into. I want the optimistic beliefs so I'm going to write them on index cards and read them aloud numerous times a day in front of the mirror. Eventually I hope to actually believe them, but in the meantime, I'll fake it till I make it.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I'm in a quandary. Not sure whether I want to continue sharing my blog with family & friends. I think it's because I say the same thing over and over again. I'm sick of hearing it, so I'm guessing they may be as well. I know I shouldn't just assume this because a mind reader I'm not.
I'm angry at myself. So angry I can't find the words to describe it. Shame is another adjective to describe how I feel. But anger, no rage is more accurate. I gained weight yet again. I'm now officially morbidly obese. Way to go Cathie. You've done it. You've really done it this time.
Why? Why am I slowly killing myself? Why do I not follow a healthy eating and exercise plan and stick with it? Why do I put myself through this exhausting pain every single day? Why can't I just do something right?
I've been sleeping a lot these past few days. I have no energy and just want to escape into dreamland. They are like movies where sometimes I wake feeling good, but most times it's panic and fear. Despite the latter, I'd still rather be sleeping than awake and trying to get through each minute of my day. It's not like I don't have things to do in the day because I do. The problem is that I don't want to do any of it. I know I'm spiralling down into the bowels of depression.
Now with yet another gain, I see no reason to give a crap about anything. I feel like I'll be fat forever. I can't see the point in even recording my weight as it's just another reminder of my failure. Now if I pull back and honestly look at this past week I can see I didn't bike every day for 10 minutes, nor did I record what I ate (this always leads to overeating). So, with that in mind, I know two things right off the bat that I can change to see a different outcome next week. The question now is whether I will make these changes.
I think I want to, but again, I'm not sure. What is it that drives me to negative behaviour? I know I am my own worst enemy and no one can beat me up as well as I can. I feel I don't deserve good things. I'm lazy as well. I don't want to put in the effort. I don't have the energy to change a single thing. These are all excuses and enough is enough. I'm so damned sick and tired of me, so what better way to change that than to do what I think I can't or don't deserve. Do the opposite of what I want to do. That means I will exercise and eat healthy even though I don't want to. I can't seem to get positive about this change, so maybe I just need to go through the motions and see what happens. Maybe I should give myself hell like Jillian on Biggest Loser and see if that makes a difference. I've been wallowing in this pool of self pity for so long that possibly a good kick in the ass is what I need. Quit thinking it to death and Just Do It!
I have a good friend who is also trying to get healthy. I think I'll call her and see if we can work together on this. Maybe we could meet weekly to weigh in and talk about our week with what went well and what didn't. It could be our own Weight Watchers meeting without the cost. I'm going to give her phone call to see what she thinks.
So, I guess I'm not giving up after all. I'm keeping Jillian's voice active in my head with her shouting "DONT' YOU QUIT!!!"
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm watching The Biggest Loser Australia Season 4 on my laptop and it's the makeover episode. Of course I'm crying; I always do with this episode. To see the changes in each contestant, then to have their family see them is so emotional. I look forward to the day when my husband looks at me and says "You're beautiful." It's been so long since I've heard those words and this is no fault on his part, but my own for allowing my weight to increase so much. I want to feel and look beautiful, to release that inner woman who is trapped inside of me.
At the ACT group last night, I participated in an exercise where I put my pain in front of me as an object. My pain is my weight gain. It is black, gigantic, round, weighs tons, spins at 200 km/hr and the texture is that of feta cheese. Next I gave my impressions of my pain object...It's ugly and alone. I hate it. It's worthless, lazy and a quitter. It's a failure. Now I created an object to reflect my sense of resistance to accepting my pain object. It is black, gigantic, oval, has more power than the pain object, moves at 2 km/hr and is hard and rough. Looking at the resistance object I was to try to let go of the struggle I have with it and I couldn't.
This was a painful exercise as I realized how much energy I put into not accepting my body as it is right now, how I despise and detest who I've become. The psychiatrist leading the group gave me something to really think about. He said "Until you accept your resistance object, you can never accept your pain object." To translate this, until I accept my loathing and judgement about my weight, I'll never be able to accept my weight gain, thus loosing weight will be extremely hard.
The final step was to take both objects back inside of me in a loving way as these poor orphans have nowhere else to go. I wasn't able to do this. I desperately need to work on this issue.
I now have on my wall the collage of everyone inside of me. I'm going to use this as a tool to truly accept each of them and stop my incessant denial of their existence.
I'm tired of living in this judgemental bubble I've created. I feel so stuck, mired in the mud of hatred and self loathing I've created. I cry, but then I realize that is just feeling sorry for myself and then I feel rage. This is so frustrating.
I just want to be free of my self loathing so I can stick with eating healthy and exercising.
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