Thursday, September 10, 2009
I did what Paul asked me not to do. I confronted the guy out front who left the bylaws about dogs taped to my door. Here's how the conversation went...
Me: Why did you leave that note taped to my door? Why didn't you just come and talk with me? (had to repeat this twice because he wouldn't respond)
Him: You weren't home.
Me: You could have come by when I was home, which is most of the time.
Him: My stepfather told me to do it.
Me: Well it wasn't very neighbourly. According to the bylaws, a noise disturbance is dog barking continuously for 5 minutes
Him: Your white dog barked from 2:00 pm to 3:05 pm yesterday.
Me: That is physically impossible.
Him: Well, every 30 seconds he barked.
Me: Still, you could have come and talked to me. I've been really patient with your pot smoking. I haven't called Peter (the owner) or the Police. Well, it's too bad you aren't being neighbourly. If you bother me again with a note, I will call Peter and the Police.
So, I feel kind of crappy that I handled it this way. I'm not sorry I confronted him because that is who I am, but I think I could have been nicer. Now I'm worried what might happen next. I also feel bad that I couldn't keep quiet as Paul had asked. He said he should have known better than to ask me not to say anything. My reply "You know me. I don't let things go."
Sometimes I need to think before I speak and this was one of those situations.
Update...The wife of our neighbour came by to apologize for how her husband handled the dogs barking. I told her I felt bad because I thought I was too mean, but she assured me not to worry. She said her husband felt really bad and would be over to apologize later, to which I said not to worry, everything's okay. Whew! This was really bothering me, but now it's all okay.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
I had my intake interview with the women's sexual assault centre and it triggered me more than I expected. At one point I could feel the tears forming, but I fought to hold them back. I didn't want to fall apart. There is an 8 month wait time to get individual counselling. It will be good to finally deal with the incidents that happened in 2002 because I carry so much guilt, shame and anger. I am on the wait list for the groups, so hopefully I'll get in one within a few months. I left feeling hopeful, but also emotionally drained and with anger just ready to pop. The anger stems from 2002 and is directed at myself and those who sexually assaulted me.
Afterwards, I went to buy some yoga pants and a top to wear when I meet my sister, but I wasn't in the "buying" mood, so I ended up with just the yoga pants. I think I tried on 30 tops and by the end of it, I felt like a big blob seeing myself in the mirrors. It is nice to have pants that are the correct size. I left the two stores feeling anger at myself for all the weight I'd gained over the last few years.
When I arrived home I was greeted with the town bylaws taped to my front door. Highlighted were the sections about dog barking. Today was the first day the kids went back to school which means banging on our fence as they pass by. My dogs most likely were barking as a result. I wasn't home to stop them. I was furious at our neighbour. In the five years we've lived here, this is the first we've had complaints. Well, this same person complained in June, when the kids were in school, and we were visited by the bylaw officer. He felt our dogs stopped barking quick and that it's impossible to enforce the bylaw because dogs will bark if they are being antagonized. The only time a fine would be issued is if the barking were continuous for at least 5 minutes, which is not the case with our dogs. What angers me is that we don't complain about the smell of marijuana coming from his open windows. I want to lash out by calling his landlord and complaining about the pot smoke, but I agree with Paul, don't make matters worse. We're going to make sure the dogs stay in the house when we go out to ensure there is no barking and also to keep them safe. I don't trust this guy and I'm scared to death he's going to hurt one of our dogs when he is high on pot. I feel so angry at this guy.
Needless to say this Tuesday was kind of a crappy day. I ended up needing 2 ativan to calm down. I went to bed at 8 p.m. just because I couldn't take the intense anger I was feeling at my body, my past and our neighbour.
Right now it's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling better. Dogs are sleeping and I have a massage in an hour. I go to massage to help loosen my tight body and alleviate the hip and knee pain. Today will definitely be an improvement over yesterday.
Today I'm grateful for:
1) Paul's company having an excellent extended health benefits plan that enables me to go for therapeutic massage
2) My not reacting in anger towards our neighbour.
3) My recumbent bike has arrived at Sears!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
I lost 2 lbs this week.
After 3 weeks in a row of gaining, I finally lost some weight. I should be happier than I am. I guess it's because I'm still in the 230's. Even writing it makes me feel ill. I'm going to see my sister in two weeks and I'm worried I still won't fit in my jeans and walking will be next to impossible.
I felt better once I got down to 214; that's 22 lbs lower than I now am. I feel so disgusting. Despite my negativity, I'm going to continue with the stretching so that I will be able to walk in Vancouver and when my recumbent bike arrives on Thursday, I'll be on that daily which will definitely help me lose weight.
As for being 22 lbs less in 2 weeks, well, that is just a pipe dream.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
My first week back on track is drawing to an end. I can't say I'm 100% happy with my efforts, but what I did do was much better than a couple of weeks ago. I'm getting up by 9:30 a.m. every morning which is so foreign to me. I can't believe how long the day feels now. Yesterday I felt it was time to go to bed and it was only 5:30 p.m. I do like having this extra time.
One of my sisters let me know she's going to be in Vancouver in two weeks on business. I'm taking the ferry over to see her. It's been almost 19 years. Unbelievable. I'm not happy with my excess weight, but I'm pushing through that fear and going anyway. My desire to see her is much stronger than that of staying home in my cocoon. I've arranged to go for dinner with her and my daughters so they can catch up. Me, I want to see her alone first because I know I'll be sobbing. I'm so excited this is happening.
It's strange, but lately I'm having trouble getting the words out of my head and on to paper. I write 3 pages every morning doing the stream of consciousness method. Nothing profound appears and that scares me. If I'm to write a book, I must have substance, not this airy fairy crap.
I feel like there is a lead plated door with chains and locks at the entrance to my creative mind. Nothing can penetrate it; which leaves only resignation that my thoughts are not driven by an expressive mode, but by my logical, analytical and unfeeling part of my brain. I know this doesn't make sense. All I can say is that it scares me. I don't like not being able to write with ease. It makes me feel panicked. The words that want to jump on to the page are a jumbled mess that I can't decipher. They swirl around my mind like a tornado, sucking up every loose piece that tries to anchor itself against the creative meadow.
I'm going to keep up with my morning pages because something is lurking deep within waiting for the chance to escape the chains that bind my mind.
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