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Time To Stop The Sabotage

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thank goodness the gain wasn't as much as I thought it would be. I ate absolutely horrible this past week. I was on a "to hell with it" roll. I just didn't care. Well, I did care, then I didn't care, then I beat myself up for not caring so then I didn't care even more.

So what the hell is going on with me?

Everyone inside wants me to do the collage of them. They've been patiently waiting while I do everything except the collage. In my journal I discovered they want me to do it to show I believe in their existence. They gave me until tonight to complete it so I can print it at Walmart this evening. I WILL do it! Once done, maybe the sabotage that is happening will stop and I'll see consistent losses.

The pain in my knees is unbearable. I took some Tylenol Arthritis to see if that helps, and if it doesn't I'll go to the walk in clinic for something stronger. Despite the pain I still got on my recumbent bike for 5 minutes, then did some calf stretching afterward. I have massage this morning, so deep tissue work will be done on my lower body and hopefully this will help the pain. My physiotherapist gave me inner thigh exercises and that is only making the pain worse. Bottom line...I need to lose some weight to relieve the pain in my knees.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLORYLIGHT57 9/16/2009 7:39AM

    Cathy...you can do this. I know it's hard; it's hard for me too! I have been treating myself unkind for over a month now; but I realize can't continue to do this if I ever want to be happy and healthy. It goes so deep but not deep enough to take root and stay. Go forward, my friend.

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ANSING 9/14/2009 10:31PM

    Good luck on your collage. I know you can do it.

I'm sorry your knees are hurting so bad. I admire your determination in pushing through and doing what you can!


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CHANGES4KAREN 9/14/2009 5:41PM

    Good luck working on your collage. I have done similar work. Putting systems work on paper was validating for my whole self. And helped me honor all of me. Hope you take the plunge and don't avoid and enjoy the experience and perhaps you will get some co-consciousness. I think you may be able to find that a rewarding and productive experience if you let it. Good things can happen if you let them. Love ya, Karen

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FRANCIE-N-BELLA 9/14/2009 12:53PM

    I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I want you to remember that you are worth this journey. Just take it one day at a time. baby steps lead to giant strides.

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I Couldn't Keep My Mouth Shut

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I did what Paul asked me not to do. I confronted the guy out front who left the bylaws about dogs taped to my door. Here's how the conversation went...

Me: Why did you leave that note taped to my door? Why didn't you just come and talk with me? (had to repeat this twice because he wouldn't respond)

Him: You weren't home.

Me: You could have come by when I was home, which is most of the time.

Him: My stepfather told me to do it.

Me: Well it wasn't very neighbourly. According to the bylaws, a noise disturbance is dog barking continuously for 5 minutes

Him: Your white dog barked from 2:00 pm to 3:05 pm yesterday.

Me: That is physically impossible.

Him: Well, every 30 seconds he barked.

Me: Still, you could have come and talked to me. I've been really patient with your pot smoking. I haven't called Peter (the owner) or the Police. Well, it's too bad you aren't being neighbourly. If you bother me again with a note, I will call Peter and the Police.

So, I feel kind of crappy that I handled it this way. I'm not sorry I confronted him because that is who I am, but I think I could have been nicer. Now I'm worried what might happen next. I also feel bad that I couldn't keep quiet as Paul had asked. He said he should have known better than to ask me not to say anything. My reply "You know me. I don't let things go."

Sometimes I need to think before I speak and this was one of those situations.

Update...The wife of our neighbour came by to apologize for how her husband handled the dogs barking. I told her I felt bad because I thought I was too mean, but she assured me not to worry. She said her husband felt really bad and would be over to apologize later, to which I said not to worry, everything's okay. Whew! This was really bothering me, but now it's all okay.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAVENPLK 9/10/2009 7:42PM

  I think you got your message across just fine!!!

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OAHARRIS 9/10/2009 7:39PM

    I too am one to speak my mind. It is so hard to say nothing. It's a lesson that I'm learning.

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CHANGES4KAREN 9/10/2009 7:23PM

    A lot of times people bottle their feelings and thoughts up inside their heads and never get them out and it can make a person insane. I don't know if you really have any leverage over this guy or not or if talking to him will create any consequences for you but the act of speaking up was brave and deserves some credit in my book. I realize how much your dogs mean to you and probably this guy thinks of you as some woman behind a wall. Maybe now that you have spoken even though it wasn't the easiest situation, he will think about it before he just calls the authorities and maybe will deal with you more fairly especially considering consequences of his own. He probably didn't think you would confront him. But you did! So, good for you for standing your ground, my warrior friend! I think of a lot of my pounds as feelings with names that show up as fat. There are a couple of pounds you don't have to wear by not stuffing those emotions!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Tuesday Was A Crappy Day

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I had my intake interview with the women's sexual assault centre and it triggered me more than I expected. At one point I could feel the tears forming, but I fought to hold them back. I didn't want to fall apart. There is an 8 month wait time to get individual counselling. It will be good to finally deal with the incidents that happened in 2002 because I carry so much guilt, shame and anger. I am on the wait list for the groups, so hopefully I'll get in one within a few months. I left feeling hopeful, but also emotionally drained and with anger just ready to pop. The anger stems from 2002 and is directed at myself and those who sexually assaulted me.

Afterwards, I went to buy some yoga pants and a top to wear when I meet my sister, but I wasn't in the "buying" mood, so I ended up with just the yoga pants. I think I tried on 30 tops and by the end of it, I felt like a big blob seeing myself in the mirrors. It is nice to have pants that are the correct size. I left the two stores feeling anger at myself for all the weight I'd gained over the last few years.

When I arrived home I was greeted with the town bylaws taped to my front door. Highlighted were the sections about dog barking. Today was the first day the kids went back to school which means banging on our fence as they pass by. My dogs most likely were barking as a result. I wasn't home to stop them. I was furious at our neighbour. In the five years we've lived here, this is the first we've had complaints. Well, this same person complained in June, when the kids were in school, and we were visited by the bylaw officer. He felt our dogs stopped barking quick and that it's impossible to enforce the bylaw because dogs will bark if they are being antagonized. The only time a fine would be issued is if the barking were continuous for at least 5 minutes, which is not the case with our dogs. What angers me is that we don't complain about the smell of marijuana coming from his open windows. I want to lash out by calling his landlord and complaining about the pot smoke, but I agree with Paul, don't make matters worse. We're going to make sure the dogs stay in the house when we go out to ensure there is no barking and also to keep them safe. I don't trust this guy and I'm scared to death he's going to hurt one of our dogs when he is high on pot. I feel so angry at this guy.

Needless to say this Tuesday was kind of a crappy day. I ended up needing 2 ativan to calm down. I went to bed at 8 p.m. just because I couldn't take the intense anger I was feeling at my body, my past and our neighbour.

Right now it's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling better. Dogs are sleeping and I have a massage in an hour. I go to massage to help loosen my tight body and alleviate the hip and knee pain. Today will definitely be an improvement over yesterday.

Today I'm grateful for:
1) Paul's company having an excellent extended health benefits plan that enables me to go for therapeutic massage
2) My not reacting in anger towards our neighbour.
3) My recumbent bike has arrived at Sears!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYSPARKS7 9/10/2009 6:44AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RECOVERY_SEEKER 9/9/2009 11:30PM

    I have to agree with Tanya--well, I agree with everyone, but most especially Tanya :} ---you are a warrior!

I give you kudos just for not killing someone.

As a survivor of sexual assault myself, I definitely identify with your rage, pain, guilt, shame, and fear. I would love to tell you that one day some one will wave their magic healing wand and it will all go away, but that's just not my story. You do, however, learn to live with it. The pieces will go back together, just not exactly where they were before.

You are amazing!

You went through a truly horrific experience --both in the event and the retelling in such a cold antiseptic environment--but, you stayed strong, shared your pain with your support system, and most importantly, ended your experience with positive acknowledgments.

That's inspiring!

Thanks for sharing.

emoticon emoticon

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ANSING 9/9/2009 10:45PM

    Thank heavens we get a fresh start every day. I hope this one goes better for you.


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LOVELILIES 9/9/2009 8:30PM

    Sounds like a bad day to me! But at least you didn't jump out of your attic and break your toe!!!

As long as the good days outnumber the bad days, you are going to do alright.

love you!! emoticon

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CHANGES4KAREN 9/9/2009 5:14PM

    I called my massage therapist today. I don't know if she will be able to get me in. She is very kind and gives me a discount. She does therapeutic touch, energy balancing and cranial sacral therapy. I know that I feel like a brand new creation after she is done with me.

I am having a crappy day, too. So, we're in it together.

Take care my Spark Friend and hang in there.

This too shall pass! Sounds trite but it is true! I need to be telling myself as much as I am saying it to you!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TANYAHDG 9/9/2009 1:20PM

    I also agree that was a crappy day. It is wonderful that you were able to write out how you felt instead of acting on it. You are powerful and you will over come these challenges that face you. Stay strong my Warrior friend. I will continue to pray your strength.

Tanya emoticon

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BENTONHEALTHY 9/9/2009 12:41PM

    Thank God we have new days to renew our faith in life. I can see you have endured some terrible trauma and I am so sorry that has happened. As for neighbors, I have a drug dealer in mine. I am afraid to say anything too as one never knows and I have a dog also. So I can understand what you are talking about. Here's to a better day and onwards.

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CHILLROSE 9/9/2009 12:34PM

    Wow, you're right, it was a crappy day, but it's over. Today is a new day, and that wassage is just what the doctor ordered! Have a happy day!! emoticon

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Unable To Celebrate My Weight Loss

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I lost 2 lbs this week.

Happy? Yeah.

Relieved? Definitely.

Disappointed? Yes.

After 3 weeks in a row of gaining, I finally lost some weight. I should be happier than I am. I guess it's because I'm still in the 230's. Even writing it makes me feel ill. I'm going to see my sister in two weeks and I'm worried I still won't fit in my jeans and walking will be next to impossible.

I felt better once I got down to 214; that's 22 lbs lower than I now am. I feel so disgusting. Despite my negativity, I'm going to continue with the stretching so that I will be able to walk in Vancouver and when my recumbent bike arrives on Thursday, I'll be on that daily which will definitely help me lose weight.

As for being 22 lbs less in 2 weeks, well, that is just a pipe dream.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELILIES 9/9/2009 8:10PM

    Congrats on your loss!!! Cathie, you need to learn to be kind and gentle with yourself.

No matter what you weigh, you are a wonderful, loving and caring human being.

I know it's hard to see past how much weight you want to lose but try to remember that no matter what you weigh, you are still you. And I, for one, have come to love that about you!!

Sorry I haven't been on in a while, I have been busy at work and haven't even come in the computer room in a while...which means I am not exercising.

I am very happy that you are getting your bike tomorrow!!! I will get back on mine too!!!

I love you!!!

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CHILLROSE 9/9/2009 12:37PM

    I feel your pain. I too, have trouble with a 1 or 2 pound weight loss, but WE HAVE to change our mind set. 1 or 2 pounds lost is better than pounds gained, and we are still moving in the right direction. Keep going girl, you have all the support you need right here!

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CHANGES4KAREN 9/8/2009 8:52PM

    I am so glad your recumbant bike is arriving. And that you are still working at your goals even though you're feeling low. I think it is awesome that you lost weight. Good for you!!! I hope you enjoy your trip to Vancouver to see your sister. Have a great time and think of the happiness you will have being with your sister!

PS: I like to find things I enjoy to wear at the weight I am at. I think it is possible to feel beautiful even if we are heavier than the norm. It may be hard to imagine that you are pretty or to love parts of you but can you think of any part of you that is beautiful or that you love or any clothes that you like on yourself?

I think part of weight loss and health is thinking about ourselves in a positive way. A lot of those negative tapes reinforce old behaviors that keep us stuck.

Like when you say what you are grateful for certain things or proud. You are giving yourself new tapes for your mind to follow.

Good luck and best wishes, Love, Karen

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DOSHAR 9/8/2009 4:29PM

  First off, congrats on the weight loss. What I have learnt that if you are not happy with every single pound lost, you will slowly get depressed and ultimately fall of the wagon. So, be happy for what you acheived.

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NPA4LOSS 9/8/2009 1:51PM

    Celebrate each victory. I am a slow loser so just be proud of yourself that you are on the right track. emoticon

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ANSING 9/8/2009 1:51PM

    You are so much healthier than you were. Now you've lost 2 pounds. Celebrate those pounds, and your upcoming visit. I'm sure your sister will be just as happy to see you, no matter what you weigh!


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38BABYGIRL 9/8/2009 1:41PM

    At least you seem to have realistic expectation. But congrats on that 2lb loss! I am a firm believe in the theory "A loss is a loss of course of course!"

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SHPHYS 9/8/2009 1:36PM

    I can say that 2lbs a week weight loss is considered a lot. So 22lbs in 2 weeks is alot. Despite that, any weight loss gives you years on your life, years on your brain aging ... and many more benefits.
Any exercising helps build muscle, helps you get in better shape
Rejoice in 2lbs and keep battling on

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DANITX 9/8/2009 1:28PM

    Thanks for the honesty in your post, I totally understand where you are coming from. Ever since I had my baby I have struggled with losing these last 40-50lbs and it is extremely frustrating with all of the roadblocks that seem to haunt me. I too tried to meet the goal of losing a huge amount of weight in a short amount of time for my sister's wedding in July and I lost 10 lbs but to me that wasn't enough. I felt like a disappointment and embarrassed. I began to pig out and not care and here it is Sept I am just now getting back on my program. Don't worry about those jeans...it will only drive you crazy. Just take it one day at a time which is what I learned. CONGRATS on those two lbs that is alot better than what I have done recently.

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A Jumbled Mess Of Words

Sunday, September 06, 2009

My first week back on track is drawing to an end. I can't say I'm 100% happy with my efforts, but what I did do was much better than a couple of weeks ago. I'm getting up by 9:30 a.m. every morning which is so foreign to me. I can't believe how long the day feels now. Yesterday I felt it was time to go to bed and it was only 5:30 p.m. I do like having this extra time.

One of my sisters let me know she's going to be in Vancouver in two weeks on business. I'm taking the ferry over to see her. It's been almost 19 years. Unbelievable. I'm not happy with my excess weight, but I'm pushing through that fear and going anyway. My desire to see her is much stronger than that of staying home in my cocoon. I've arranged to go for dinner with her and my daughters so they can catch up. Me, I want to see her alone first because I know I'll be sobbing. I'm so excited this is happening.

It's strange, but lately I'm having trouble getting the words out of my head and on to paper. I write 3 pages every morning doing the stream of consciousness method. Nothing profound appears and that scares me. If I'm to write a book, I must have substance, not this airy fairy crap.

I feel like there is a lead plated door with chains and locks at the entrance to my creative mind. Nothing can penetrate it; which leaves only resignation that my thoughts are not driven by an expressive mode, but by my logical, analytical and unfeeling part of my brain. I know this doesn't make sense. All I can say is that it scares me. I don't like not being able to write with ease. It makes me feel panicked. The words that want to jump on to the page are a jumbled mess that I can't decipher. They swirl around my mind like a tornado, sucking up every loose piece that tries to anchor itself against the creative meadow.

I'm going to keep up with my morning pages because something is lurking deep within waiting for the chance to escape the chains that bind my mind.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELILIES 9/9/2009 8:02PM

    Oh I am so happy that you will be visiting with your sister (I am not sure which one lol).

enjoy that time!!!

Love Maria

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    I am so glad for you and your sister.As writing I don't see any block in your writing .You are a too harsh judge on yourself.

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ANSING 9/6/2009 5:25PM

    Just keep on keeping on. Every writer I have ever heard of has these blocks. It will all come in it's own good time.

How exciting to visit with your sister, though. I hope you have a GREAT reunion!


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AUNTYEMM 9/6/2009 2:28PM

    First off, you do write well. I loved the blog so stop being such a tough judge. Secondly, The words will come when they are ready. You need to keep up the journalling. It may take a while til you get to where you can delve deeper but these things make their own timing.
Finally HOORAY! you are going to see your sister! How cool is that! I don't think there is anything at all wrong with crying at this momentous event. 19 years is FAR too long to miss that part of you. I'm sure you will be so excited happy and eager that tears are absolutley impossible to resist. I hope you are thrilled to hold that piece of your history in your arms.
Hang in there, there will be good times and bad times. The bad times are A test to see if you are strong or weak.. Choose to be strong!

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