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Oh The Money I've Wasted On Weight Loss

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Something interesting I've noticed about myself is that I don't have a strong desire to journal when I'm feeling better. I wonder what that is about.

I'm noticing that my depression is manageable and that I'm actually experiencing more energy and enjoyment. I'm getting up in the morning and staying up all day. I really appreciate this, but I admit that I also feel fear that it won't last. I don't expect it to last every single day, but a few days, even a week would be total bliss.

After seeing my physiotherapist, I came to realize that the spin bike is not the best exercise for me due to problems with my knees. I talked with Paul and he agreed that having a recumbent bike would be better, so I ordered one today. I'm selling my spin bike, both recliners, dog crates and a few other odds and ends to pay for the recumbent bike and have some fun money.



I felt guilty asking Paul if I could buy the bike because our finances are tight, but I'm grateful he said yes. I just hope I can sell these things quick. I don't want him worrying about the money. Tomorrow I'm going to make a flyer and ad to copy photos/home movies to dvd. That extra cash could really help. As soon as I can stand without pain, I'll put out a flyer to groom dogs, another good source of income. I'll be so glad when Paul goes back to a 5 day week; hopefully sooner than later, but realistically, not for another four months.

Okay, writing about this is making me feel extreme guilt at the money I've wasted on Weight Watchers, Sure Slim, Nutrisystem, Personal Trainer, Curves. I say wasted because I haven't kept the weight off. I get close to the 200 lb mark, then wham! I binge and gain it all back. Paul has been so patient and I really don't know why. Sure, I get a disability pension, but it's no where near what I made when I was able to work full time. I feel like a failure that I can't work, so that's why it's so important for me to sell off these items and earn some money at home.

I'm stopping this writing immediately because it's only making me feel really crappy.

What have I done today to make me feel proud?
1) I spent the day carrying items I'm selling down the stairs. With each down, I had to go back up to get the next item.
2) I ate healthy.

What am I grateful for today?
1) It was sunny and warm out today.
2) Bree, my shih tzu, cuddled with me on the couch.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELILIES 9/5/2009 8:33AM

    I would bet most of here have wasted money on dieting. Heck, I wasted a ton of money on a machine that would vibrate my butt off!!! Then there were the diet pills that gave me gas. And every time I would pass gas, I would crap my pants!!! Somehow it made all the fat you eat not get absorbed. But it found its way out, believe me!!! lol

You are on the right path now. Keep eating healthy and use the new bike when it comes. Don't look back, look forward.

Love Maria

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ANSING 9/3/2009 7:31PM

    It sounds like you have a plan. That's great.

Leave the past in the past. There's enough to do just living in the present.

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Annette

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CHANGES4KAREN 9/3/2009 9:12AM

    Well, Kathie, I am glad Bree is keeping you company and that Paul is standing by your side. I can't tell you not to feel guilty. But, part of that is your depression talking. I know I have been on the diet yo-yo myself and it is horrible. Yet, the I think the main point is to keep trying and find the skills and tools that work. If it didn't work and didn't pay off, well then don't use it. But, did you learn something besides failure? Because some of my best lessons I have gotten from my deepest errors. Sounds like you are making good plans with the recumbent bike! And you are looking for ways to compensate financially. And you are taking care of yourself and looking out for family finances. That sounds responsible to me. Give yourself some credit. You have given yourself some really good tries at weight loss. Now you know that it is a lifestyle change overtime and not a flash in the pan kind of thing. And crash dieting only sets you up for a binge. And you have wonderful support. You are getting help for the depression which can make things much harder. Keep the faith. Love yourself healthy. Don't pound on yourself. That's the easy thing to do. Hug yourself. Hug your doggies. Hug your hubby. Smile if you can... And remember, it is only one day at a time!!!

With love and friendship, Karen

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Decluttering...Done!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I did it. I finally did it. I decluttered my exercise & puzzle room. The table for which my puzzle should be on became the catch all for any and every thing I didn't know where to put. The closet which holds my yarn, games, stationary supplies was filled with Walmart bags, paper and other odds and ends that didn't belong there. Every time I walked past that room I was filled with dread. It was a heavy, dark cloud hanging over me. Now, that it's done, I can actually sit down and work on a puzzle, ride my spin bike with ease and overall, feel calm in the room. I'll say it, even though it's really hard, I'm proud of myself. Oh, that hurt. I guess the more I say it, the more it will feel okay to accept.

What have I done today to make me feel proud?
1) I decluttered my exercise & puzzle room working up a great sweat. I'm counting this hour and a half as my exercise for the day.
2) I stayed within my calorie range.

What am I grateful for today?
1) I heard from one of my sisters and she's coming to Vancouver for work, so yeah, I get to see her.
2) I had massage this morning.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANSING 9/3/2009 7:26PM

    You did GREAT! Congrats! Now, if you're all done, I have a closet....
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Guess I need to get to work, too!

Annette

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DISPATCH91 9/2/2009 10:10AM

    Good for you. I really need to do it but when you live with a packrat it is very hard.

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AQUAGIRL08 9/2/2009 6:09AM

    Way to go! I think that decluttering gives a person a sense of control over their environment. It makes you feel amazing!

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REDRUDY5 9/2/2009 3:06AM

  Good for you! emoticon

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KBEERY 9/2/2009 2:54AM

    GOOD for you! It's amazing how decluttering can make one feel amazing. emoticon

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I Hate This Pain

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

I'm in a crabby mood.

My knees are so painful that I don't know whether to scream or cry. I had massage this morning and she worked on my glutes, hamstrings, calves & quads, but it didn't help. I see the physiotherapist tomorrow, so I'm crossing my fingers I'll get some relief from that. I've taken 2 tylenol & 2 advil and iced both knees and the pain remains. I haven't ridden my spin bike yet today because I know it's only going to aggravate my knees more. If it was a dull ache or the type of pain you get after a good workout, well then, I'd just accept it. My massage therapist suggested stretching, but to me that's too passive. I feel like my two 5 minute stints should be cardio. Walking creates more pain in my knees as well. Guess I'll do marching in place with a grin and bear it attitude. I'm going to do the first 5 minutes now to get it over with.

Aaagghhh.....I hate that I gained 20 lbs so damn quick and all the pain it's causing in my body.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELILIES 9/5/2009 8:15AM

    You need to avoid anything that is putting impact on your knees right now. The recumbant bike will help. Good luck
Love Maria

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DHAZ09 9/1/2009 11:06PM

    So sorry to hear that you are in pain. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow & feel better soon! emoticon

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ANSING 9/1/2009 10:21PM

    I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you find tomorrow a better day.
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Annette

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Back At It With A Renewed Positive Attitude

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Back at it. Day one finished with all of my goals met.

What have I done today to make me feel proud?
1) I rode my spin bike for 5 minutes as soon as I got up this morning.
2) I rode my spin bike for 5 minutes when I got home from Victoria this evening.
3) I drank 12 glasses of water (lots of peeing happening now).
4) I did my homework for the A.C.T. group.
5) I ate really healthy today with no binging.

What am I grateful for today?
1) My youngest daughter said she likes the name for my book "The We In Me."
2) I learned a lot in the A.C.T. group tonight.
3) Paul was so caring to me today with my headache.
4) It was a beautiful sunny day and I sat outside enjoying it.
5) I received a wonderful email from my best friend in Ontario.

Overall, it was a really good day and I feel more positive and focused on getting healthy than I have in a long while.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELILIES 9/1/2009 4:52PM

    Oh I love the name for your book!!! Who wouldn't be curious as to its contents?

You sound like you had a great day!!! Keep it up.

Now I am oging to get on the bike.

Love Maria

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ANSING 9/1/2009 1:46PM

    It sounds like you had a wondeful day. I hope you have many more of them!

Hugs,
Annette

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MSJULES01 9/1/2009 4:27AM

    I looks like you had a great day.
Keep it up. You will get stronger and get through this.
Good luck and remember we are all here for you.

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DONGR8NCHARNC 9/1/2009 1:51AM

    Best wishes and much success on your journey!

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THANNYAOSUNA 9/1/2009 1:18AM

    Good job



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A Change Is Coming

Saturday, August 29, 2009

My fingers rest on the keyboard debating which letter to press. So many thoughts trying to be heard, but none making any sense. Nothing makes sense at this moment. I just deleted an entire sentence. Why? Who knows. Who cares.

The pain between my shoulder blades makes it hard to breathe. Heartburn. From what? The bowl of Shreddies I just downed? Probably. I wasn't even hungry, just ate it "because."

I didn't accomplish a whole hell of a lot today. Got up around 10:00 a.m., but then laid down for a few hours in the afternoon as a wicked headache struck. While laying in bed though, I did come up with a title for my book, "The We In Me." I like that. I like the sound and feel of it. So stupid though because I'm not writing so how can I have a title?

Knife piercing pain on each side of my head. A sign that "the others within" are not happy. So, what's up with that? Gotta get my ringed journal and let them get out whatever it is that is bothering them. Can't really do it here because the cursing would be too much and they need their own private place to put on paper what it is that causes them pain.

We came home from our visit to our daughters in Vancouver last night. We were to stay until the last ferry today, but I needed to come home. I was so utterly ashamed and embarrassed when on the first day there we went with our daughter to have dinner out where my other daughter was working. Just walking, at that was at the super fast pace my daughter moves at was a killer. The pain in my hips caused me to grimace and clench my teeth which only resulted in a new area for the pain to spread, my jaw. I was out of breath and sweating when we arrived at the pub. I quickly retreated to the washroom where I sat and fought back the tears. Once I regained some composure, I returned and was so happy to see my other daughter. Here I was, with both of my beautiful girls, and all I could think of was how f**king fat I was.

We sat in a booth and my first thought was that I wouldn't fit. I did, but the fear remained. So, how did I deal with being so emotionally uncomfortable? I ate my veggie burger with coleslaw like it was my last meal, then devoured bread pudding and chocolate brownie for dessert. Now, I did share the desserts, but in all honesty I ate the most. What a dichotomy I created.

The rest of our visit went well, but I was an emotional wreck. I just wanted to vanish into the sweltering heat. My eldest daughter's new boyfriend came over and again I felt that same old feeling of embarrassment and shame. I felt bad for my daughter that she had an obese mother. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I can feel it and I hate it. If I'm so damned embarrassed, then why do I continue to eat high fat foods? I'm punishing myself because I hate who I've become.

Then stop and change.

So much easier said than done. We're moving our couch from our bedroom to the living room and I'm going to sell the recliners. Paul feels that this move will help me be more active as I won't be sitting in the recliner all day. I hope it helps.

I'm running out of words to type; a sure sign that there's much more that needs to escape my mind, but not right now. I'll unpack from our time away and find that journal and hand write in it in the morning. For now, I'll stop and go to bed. Tomorrow's a busy day and I want to be ready for it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRANCIE-N-BELLA 8/30/2009 4:45PM

    Don't ever give up and take one day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day and we didn't gain weight in a short time and it will be hard work to get it off. We have to have perseverence and determination. We also need to quit guilt tripping ourselves. Be POSITIVE!!!!
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Francie

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LOVELILIES 8/30/2009 2:04AM

    I love this picture of the girl with the swans. We have very similar taste in pictures that touch us. I'm glad you had a good visit with the girls. I am sorry that you feel like people are judging you when you go out.

The worst thing is that there is probably nobody judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.

I love you.
Love Maria

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ANSING 8/29/2009 6:43PM

    I hope your journalling has been successful, and that you are feeling better. I wish I had an easy solution, or could wave a magic wand and take the pain away.

Bless you, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Annette

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GOODGETNBETR 8/29/2009 7:59AM

    Looks like you've got some things to work out. This journey is way more than eat better/move more, though those do work. A lot of us get bigger due to emotional issues which is why I've started journaling again. Want to make sure I don't lose focus, notice patterns and maintain gains. You deserve to be happier and hope you can sort it out.

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