2BASWAN   17,627
15,000-19,999 SparkPoints
2BASWAN's Recent Blog Entries

The Shame Of Yet Another Gain

Monday, August 24, 2009

Another week, another 5 lbs. And that's a gain, not a loss. I know my new medication is the culprit; however some of my food choices could have been better. I left the 8 Week Battle because I just couldn't have my weight gain affect the Red team. I'm just 5 lbs away from my January 1st start weight. I can't believe I've done it yet again. I want to cry, but to do that would mean I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Disappointed.? Yes.

Angry? Yes.

Shame? Yes.

Embarrassed? Yes.

Now what? I go on. I can't allow this gain to stop me from getting healthy. I can get active, even 5 minutes a day is better than nothing. I can record my food. I can stop eating after 8 p.m. I can make healthier food choices.

We're going to Vancouver to visit our daughters for four days tomorrow, and I'm not taking my laptop. I'm so glad we're going because it's been a long while since I last saw them. Spending time with them will lift my spirits, thus squashing my depression just a bit.

So ends another blog post. Tears are welling in my eyes, and maybe a cry is allowed. I need to move forward from this gain, but it's really hard when I feel so ashamed of myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 9/1/2009 10:10PM

    Cathie, you give me courage to be brave enough to share my pain with others. I love the fact that you can communicate the way you do. Even though I talk to some friends, admitting my problems with food has been hard for me though you would think by looking at me they would be obvious. But, the ups and downs and the heartache of the scale are not an easy road. And I have taken these kinds of medications a long time as well. And I have a hypothyroidism. Plus genetic predisposition. Not to mention, dread it all, addiction issues. When you spin the combo it doesn't add up nicely. And I feel like I am on the verge of desperation sometimes. So, take heart, and keep fighting the good fight, dear one. It isn't easy at all but here we can team up and share our burdens and make one step at a time.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHOCMOM 8/25/2009 12:51PM

  Cathie, last April, I gained 15 lb in less than 6 weeks - new medication, too. I was angry, ashamed and I wanted so bad to give up. How long did it take to lose those 15 lb in the first place??? I took a Spark break for a few weeks - I even took a break from boot camp. When I was ready, I jumped back in - you will do the same. Enjoy your visit with your girls. Know that you will be missed, but remember there is another battle down the road - we will see you in it - ready for the fight.

Take care
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DISPATCH91 8/25/2009 9:50AM

    Now you just start again, new week, new direction. That is the good thing we can always begin again. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOVELILIES 8/25/2009 7:23AM

    Don't beat yourself up, Cathie.

Put your scales away for a while and concentrate on feeling better instead of those stupid numbers!! Have you noticed that you can be having a really good day and then you step on the scale and BOOM! you feel terrible? Here's the solution.....enjoy your good days and don't ruin it by weighing yourself.

You are so much more than a number so remember that!

Enjoy your time with the girls and say hi from Aunt Maria! xoxoxoxox

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANSING 8/25/2009 12:51AM

    You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are human. You made a few choices that could have been better. Haven't we all? If we were perfect, if this journey were easy, we wouldn't need Sparks.

Enjoy the trip to visit your daughters. And make the best choices you can, but don't worry. You didn't get this way overnight, and you're in it for the long haul.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ADVENTURE-GIRL 8/24/2009 11:43PM

    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please stay positive and remember not to blame yourself for weight gain due to your medication. Definitely talk to your doctor and stick with your healthy habits. Maybe you should stop weighing yourself for a while and just focus on your health.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BLABBERMOUTH2 8/24/2009 11:19PM

    All the emotions you are feeling are pouring of the page you just typed. I am so sorry you say you quit the battle in order not to drag your team down. You are so much more than a number to them. You're not on my team, and your not a number to me either. Please don't leave in such a defeated way. Look in that mirror and claim the victory that you are trying to fight and win the battle.

You're not a quitter, my precious warrior friend. Go to visit your daughter. Have a good time. I don't even care if you gain another 5 pounds. So what. You come back and rejoin your sister warriors and finish this battle, then you start preparing for the next battle and the next and the next, until you have won.

If the medicine is going to be an issue for a while, then you focus on doing what you know to be right...nutrition and exercise. As long as you are doing every thing in your power to be the healthiest person you can be, then sister, you count that as a big, 'ole victory.

I'm going to be checking on you. A pity party is ok for a day or maybe two, but that's it. Dry your eyes. Put a smile on that beautiful face, and make yourself proud.

I love you, my sister warrior.


Report Inappropriate Comment
KLH456 8/24/2009 10:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Lots of hugs coming your way. Take it just one day at a time. That is all we can do.

You can do this. As some one else said, talk to your doctor about the medication. Perhaps there is something else or he/she can reassure you that this gain is only temporary.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHPHYS 8/24/2009 9:56PM

    first of all, talk to your doctor. Is this medication your only choice, and weight gain a temporary side effect. I know with me, it was four weeks with no weight loss and then I started to lose. emoticon emoticoneither way you are getting healthy

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANNIE.B 8/24/2009 9:20PM

    Oh, I so wish I could wrap you in a hug and tell you it's ok! You are SO much more than a number on a scale. We are all so much harder on ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. I know what a struggle weight loss and healthy living can be, and at times I've felt just like you do now. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be with medication fighting against you also.
It sure sounds as if your body and mind will benefit greatly from your visit with your daughters. Cherish that time and enjoy every minute of it. I hope you come back refreshed and feeling more like treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DIVALICIOUS7 8/24/2009 8:50PM

    To err is human to forgive "yourself" would be divine Please be kind to yourself

Unless one has walked in the shoes of another who battle medication - you just don't understand. I have & I do!! Whatever you take it for - remember it's to make you well. And when you're up and running on all 8 cylinders - the magic starts. Diva

Report Inappropriate Comment

The Shame Of Yet Another Gain

Monday, August 24, 2009

Link to Image suetlilanglz.deviantart.com/art/a-sh

Another week, another 5 lbs. And that's a gain, not a loss. I know my new medication is the culprit; however some of my food choices could have been better. I left the 8 Week Battle because I just couldn't have my weight gain affect the Red team. I'm just 5 lbs away from my January 1st start weight. I can't believe I've done it yet again. I want to cry, but to do that would mean I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Disappointed? Yes.

Angry? Yes.

Shame? Yes.

Embarrassed? Yes.

Now what? I go on. I can't allow this gain to stop me from getting healthy. I can get active, even 5 minutes a day is better than nothing. I can record my food. I can stop eating after 8 p.m. I can make healthier food choices.

We're going to Vancouver to visit our daughters for four days tomorrow, and I'm not taking my laptop. I'm so glad we're going because it's been a long while since I last saw them. Spending time with them will lift my spirits, thus squashing my depression just a bit.

So ends another blog post. Tears are welling in my eyes, and maybe a cry is allowed. I need to move forward from this gain, but it's really hard when I feel so ashamed of myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEE107 8/24/2009 10:29PM

    that is great that you are not giving up .. medicine oh yeah what a pain but we need it...hugs

Report Inappropriate Comment
MANDERS1985 8/24/2009 8:52PM

    dont beat yourself up over your weight gain...think of tomorrow as a new day and a fresh start...no sense looking back at where you were or what you did...just pick up the pieces and go from here. Take it one step at a time and you will get there, just have patience and GOOD LUCK YOU CAN DO THIS!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOSHAR 8/24/2009 8:52PM

  First off, this is nothing to be ashamed off. It is a battle, we can not always win. Some weeks would be bad and discouraging but the good thing is you still want to move forward.
Enjoy your vacation with family, get all the power inside you and do what you can when you come back. Don't quit.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Hate My Obsession With Body Weight & Food

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Image can be found at limegreensquid.deviantart.com/art/P

I just want to scream. A long, gut wrenching scream filled with pain and agony. A scream that never ends. That is the thread that is coiled within me tangled amongst my veins. Where one carries life, the other is death. Should the latter gain strength and slice through the veins, life shall cease to exist.

My mind is a clutter. So many thoughts, images, emotions. I'm having difficulty deciphering anything. It's just a jumbled mess.

I want the tightness in my stomach to leave. I want to take a deep breath without it feeling like my body will split in half. Tears well in the outer corners of my eyes. Am I confusing sadness with anger? Am I feeling both?

I had a horrible experience downtown Victoria earlier this week. In every sheet of store window glass, my image was reflected back to me, a large, round, very fat woman. I wanted to vomit, scream and cry all at the same time. I'm always very cognisant of other people's sizes, but that afternoon, I was more so. Almost everyone was slim. The few that weren't were only overweight, not obese as I am.

"Get over it already" I hear my logical side shouting in disgust.

"I can't. I hate being like this" replies my emotional mind in a pleading, passive, self pitying cry.

So, what did I do upon seeing these reflections? I went to Starbucks and bought a ginger cookie and banana loaf. Not a smart move whatsoever. Not only did it make me feel more anger at myself, but it added to the pile of shame that builds in my abdomen. I think that's why it appears to be growing bigger. Shame, shame, shame.

Now I haven't weighed myself this week which is good, but I'm dying to know if I've gained. I think I probably have. Oh God, if I see a gain on Monday...

Don't go there. It's Friday and Monday is three days away. A lot can happen in that time. I've exercised three times this week already, and plan to on Saturday & Sunday as well. If I do gain, I know why. I had McDonalds and Starbucks so feeling sorry for myself is not allowed. I know I turn to fatty foods whenever I'm upset, like an addict to her fix. My drug of choice...food. Really no different than when I drank alcohol to the point of vomiting, took copious amounts of ativan and gravol, sleeping for days on end, driving fast So what did I get from all of this behaviour? A fix. A quick, forget about my feelings and actions hit.

But did it last?


I need to learn, or rather, apply the skills I've been taught to accept any uncomfortable emotions without running for food. I mean, no wear ever died from sitting with yucky feelings.

What am I grateful for today?
1) I finally had time to blog
2) I was able to crochet
3) Even though it was on and off with the sun, it was still warm enough to sit out back with Paul
4) Paul had a great day at work

What have I done today to make me feel proud?
1) I blogged
2) I recognized I was getting anxious and turned to something relaxing by crocheting

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TCHOZET 8/24/2009 5:32PM

    I'm just recovering from a bad binge. I had bad consequences from it, so l I think I'll remember this lesson.

I understand where you're coming from. It's great you could find something good from the experience. We all start from where we are, not where we'd like to be.

Take care, Terry


Report Inappropriate Comment
HAPPY-DESTINY 8/24/2009 3:55PM

    I would like to add you as a friend..we can chat in private!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAREWREN 8/24/2009 3:41PM

    We consume food. Food consumes us. However, we choose both. Food is inanimate. It cannot find it's way into our mouth. We are our own bully telling us what junk we are. This is deceiving because the bully is the liar. Bullies lie and mislead. I AM. I AM beautiful. I take care of myself like the precious being I am. I will not let my mind bully me into believing otherwise. And, if I do let my mind bully me, I let it pass with a shrug, acknowledging that these feelings come--and can go--WITHOUT ACTION. I don't need to take action. Today I choose to take action only on that which is good, that which supports me, that which expresses love for myself. I CAN do this.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DEEPGREENBEAN 8/22/2009 7:20AM

    Thank you for your nicely written blog. I often feel negative emotions and have a hard time turning them around. Your blog exemplifies the heroic effort of rising above negative feelings or circumstances.

Report Inappropriate Comment

    KUDOS to you for ending each blog with a gratitude list. Another SP friend reminded me that I have to write mine. In spite of your disappointing day, I see a lot of positives: You were able to process what was going on, how you felt, traced back what happened and why, and were able to see the big picture. That is GROWTH, HONEY!!! I'm so proud of you and so inspired by your strength. I also like how you described the way you are feeling in such a poetic way. It's so powerful and so well received. You have a gift. Do you realize that?

We will have days like these. You know I have shared about mine. To those that emotions seem to get the best of are nothing to sneeze at or try to avoid. They will always find a way to do a sneak attack. One of those ways is to prey upon your mental image of yourself and show you a distorted picture. I had a small bout with that this morning. it takes work to combat that and you have to find what works for you. But believe me, if I'm not careful, that mirror can play some serious psychological thrillers in my head.

I choose to see beauty. I really like that image you posted on this blog. It's very sexy to say the least. It shows a full, voluptuous body. The way the woman is standing (even though her back is facing us), there is shyness but some degree of seductiveness. She's being coy, playful - all the things that makes her a woman.

Just like the image in your blog, try to view the image of you. It takes some time to adjust and accept; but it's worth it. Negative self-image cheats us and robs us of living WHOLE. You deserve that. Your family deserves it. Those demons come in and attack you and you run and hide. The best way to fight them: LOVE YOURSELF AND LOVE WHAT YOU SEE.

It's still hard sometimes for me to see myself walking past a window; but I have to remember that I'm 25 pounds lighter and just as beautiful now as I will be at my goal. And I'm praying by then, it won't matter. The beauty we see in ourselves comes from the inside. It's inside work. Look at yourself. One of the things I do after I shower (one of my daily goals) is to put lotion on my ENTIRE body. Really work my favorite creams or lotions into my skin. First of all, that's pamper time! And second of all, I get more acquainted with my body. It's a suggested tool by my former MALE pastor (of all people) who said women have the advantage of being able to indulge. Men typically do not do the whole pampering thing or rub lotion all over their entire body. A few do, but most don't do more than their hands (maybe their crusty feet). But the point is take advantage of being a woman - soft, pretty, being able to touch your own self and put lotion on your body, pamper yourself, getting it healthy, loving yourself.

It may feel awkward at first, but since returning to this, it has made a world of difference in my attitude towards myself. Yea, I'm not in love with my muffin tops, but I am able to embrace them more. I don't want to hate what I see in the mirror. It's me. It's ALL me.

I pray that these words give you encouragement or something to think about the next time you look in the mirror. What I found is I really hadn't LOOKED at myself or got acquainted with my body, how it moves, the natural sway or curves or outlines, even if there are rolls, love it. It's work to love the skin we're in. But it's fighting those mental demons. This is a good plan of counterattack.

Remember the progress you have made so far. You are doing so well. We do not have to be our emotions. I pray that you find the beauty within and that you see that reflection in the mirror. The "I am's" can either destroy or build up. It's what you put after the "I Am's."

Soo....what's your "I am"?

Today, mine is I am grateful, powerful, in control, and blessed!

jay emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANSING 8/15/2009 11:25PM

    It sounds like you had a bad day. I am so sorry.

If it's really going to stress you out, just don't weigh yourself this week. Tomorrow is another day, a fresh one to start over with your healthier eating and exercise.


Report Inappropriate Comment
BUCKEYESKIER 8/15/2009 8:52AM

    Don't define yourself by just your weight. You are so much more than that. You are a beautiful person. I see from your pictures that you have a dazzling smile and a beautiful family, who love you very much even though you are heavier than you would like to be. Remember that love the next time that you walk by a mirror.

Report Inappropriate Comment

My Vision Collage for the 8 Week Battle #5

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I can't believe I just did that. I closed my tab with the blog entry I was working on. Aagghhh...

I really like my collage. It took me hours to complete, a statement I'm rather embarrassed about, but the end result is good. I always take a long time when doing collages because I want the perfect phrases, images and layout. Not perfect in the sense of flawlessness, but a feeling of "Yup, that's what I envisioned." I also feel guilt because I think I should be doing something else, like doing the collage of the images of me when I was growing up, brushing the dogs, grooming the dogs, anything but what I'm actually doing. Paul keeps asking if I'm done the collage of my childhood pictures and repeatedly I reply with a meek "No." I know he's only asking because of the importance to the others within. So, after I finish this post, I'll get right at it.

Okay, now on to my collage. I specifically chose phrases that would remind me of why I want to get healthy without putting an emphasis on weight loss. Since I'm on a new medication that increases my appetite and slows my metabolism, I need constant reminders that physical activity can be the main focus towards improved health.

"You can live your life regardless of your weight." This statement reminds me that I can leave the house, go for walks, visit the girls, go for coffee and anything else I desire whether at my current weight, 20 lbs down or at goal. I need to stop putting my life on hold waiting for that magic 150 lb mark. Sounds so easy, but in reality, it's a gigantic challenge, but one I'm up for.

"You have so much fun watching the puppies run in the woods." I needed a reminder of why I like the nightly walks with Paul. Focusing on decreasing my depression or speeding up my metabolism just doesn't cut it; however, thinking of my four doggies running to me, tails wagging and tongues hanging out of their open smiling mouths makes me feel so happy. I mean, at this very moment, while writing about it, I am smiling .

"Spinning & Biggest Loser, now that's fun. Bike in 5 or 10 minute chunks." When I am on the spin bike and watching The Biggest Loser Australia, I don't want to get off. I get so involved in the show, that stopping it is difficult. I also reminded myself that 5 or 10 minutes on the bike is better than none. I can hop on the bike numerous times throughout the day if I want. I'm hoping this helps alleviate the overwhelming feelings I have about it.

"Breathe... Live in the moment." Meditation is vital to my health, both emotional and physical. My mind races non-stop with the chatter of all my inner parts, so doing five minutes of conscious breathing helps me and them to slow down. Sometimes, these five minutes feel like hours, but I know with time, it will get easier. Practice, practice, practice.

"You can do this." I doubt myself so much and constantly sabotage any success I attain. I need to remember that I have I have faced many challenges in the past and I'm still alive and breathing.

"You're beautiful." When I hear these words, I think of the James Blunt song. Just was listening and singing to it and the puppies all started howling along. Oh what great harmony we had. Okay, back on topic. So anyway, I added this phrase to remind me and everyone inside that beauty isn't all about physical attributes, but comprises the whole of our being, in essence, who we truly are in our heart and soul. I also need to learn how to be more kind to myself about how I look. I know I'm not that svelte woman I was years ago, but if I put in some effort to dress nice and do my hair, then I do look okay. Oh boy, that's a tough one to accept and swallow. Can see it will take some work.

What am I grateful for today?
1) that I can be outside at my patio table while typing away
2) that the puppies sang along with me
3) that I have a husband whose smile and laughter brightens my darkest days
4) that I have two amazing daughters who I get to visit in a couple of weeks
5) that I'm building a relationship with my sister-in-law and getting to know her as a woman, not just as my brother-in-law's wife
6) that I have a best friend of 33 years who knows me sometimes better than I know myself

What have I done today to make me feel proud?
1) I made an appointment with the doctor, physiotherapist and massage therapist; something I'd been putting off
2) I got up when I first woke up rather than sleep the afternoon away
3) I made a super healthy high omega-3 protein shake for breakfast
4) to be added later...walk with Paul & the doggies

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHOCMOM 8/19/2009 7:02PM

  Cathie - I missed this when you posted it. It is one of the most beautiful collages I have ever seen. I love your warrior. Thank you for taking the time to make this and share it with all of us. Thank you for sharing YOU with all of us in the battle. Do what you can - know that we need you in the battle with us, whether you gain, lose, or stay the same. Do what you need to do for you!! Oh and walk those doggies. :-)

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHANGES4KAREN 8/14/2009 9:38PM

    I love your positive framework. I really like the way in your blogs you highlight what you are proud of and what you are grateful for. I think that is awesome. If I could do that when I am feeling blue, it would help me a lot. Hugs, and best wishes, Karen

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANSING 8/12/2009 11:34AM

    What an inspirational collage. You are going to do great!


Report Inappropriate Comment
IVORY1825 8/11/2009 9:52PM

    I love your collage! That's really great and well thought through. Keep up the great work!

Report Inappropriate Comment

I May Be The Outcast, But That's Okay

Sunday, August 09, 2009

It's 2:26 a.m. Sunday morning. I should be in bed. Had I taken my bed meds hours ago, I'd be in a deep sleep by now. Do I regret this? Nope. I love the night. The silence. The stillness of the air. Calm and peaceful. Even my mind is more settled.

Strangest thing happening. I'm drawing a blank for words. That is so unlike me. I'm usually on the other end of the spectrum. Blah, blah, blah....

I know it could be due to the fact that I've not been writing my three morning pages for the last couple of days. It's in those pages that I really do a thorough clearing of the clutter in my mind and where the "others" write openly about how they are doing. The other day I was greeted by a strong "F**k you" from one of the adults. She was pissed I didn't start the collage of all of them. As usual, the right side of my head felt as though a serrated knife was slowly turning. I felt bad because I knew this was important to them and as usual, their needs were ignored. Yesterday I scanned a bunch of photos of myself when I was growing up. Apparently, each alter inside can identify which image is them. To me, they all look the same, but I guess that's not the case for them. Mind you, if I do look at each picture, there are minuscule differences that can be seen. I've now finished the first step, so tomorrow, creating the collage of all the pictures will complete the project.

Another revelation I came to today was that I have a lot more control in keeping myself present. I mean, in the past, they would come and go as they wanted and I would return to see that hours had passed that I had no memory for. As that had always been the case, I was surprised that they didn't just come out and do the collage themselves. Now I see that they need me to start the collage and they'll either tell me what to do or I'll tell them to do with it as they want. Not sure how that works now. All I know for sure is that if I don't do as they like, they send on that "Oh my God, I want to die" type headache. So, when that happens, I know I'd better stop and listen.

Aagghhh...this is still so difficult to 100% accept. You'd think after almost 20 years knowing I was a D.I.D. I'd be more open to the idea, but nope, I fight it tooth and nail. I guess it's because it's not openly discussed. I mean, I could walk in a room, my face disfigured, and others would react with empathy; whereas, I say aloud I have alters and I'm met with abhorrence. That is why I write about it here in my blog. If I/we educate other people, then one day I'll be able to say I have mental illnesses and not feel ashamed or that I caused it and am therefore worthless. But in all honesty, if I doubt the diagnosis, it's no wonder the majority of society does as well.

I'm tired of being the outcast.

I was the outcast growing up because: I didn't laugh at the vulgar jokes my mother told; I didn't laugh when I was tickled to the point of wetting myself all the while being audio recorded with it played back afterward; I didn't laugh when my mother was making fun of me in front of my friends and I told her to shut up which only resulted in my getting the belt from dad; I didn't laugh when I was told I was stupid for not realizing that Maria had been stealing money from Mom for awhile and buying hoards of candy with it; I didn't laugh when after my grade 8 graduation my mother asked if I'd seen my real mother, the whore, sitting at the back of the gymnasium (she'd always told me another woman gave birth to me and dumped me on her and Dad); I didn't laugh when I was laughed at for finally realizing my Mom was my mother at age 16 (it took seeing myself in the mirror and that I looked like my mother to come to this); I didn't laugh when I was called Queen Elizabeth or Priscilla because my Mom said I thought I was better than everyone else; I didn't laugh when Mom joked about how she tricked my sisters Maria & Chrissy and brother Paul at camp (she told them she'd be leaving in an hour and while they swam, she left them behind with my grandparents) so they couldn't come to my wedding; I didn't laugh when Mom slapped me across the face in front of Paul. I'm glad I was the outcast in that family, but to be that I have to acknowledge that my mind could not tolerate the situation and thus split off into many different parts, all of whom took the abuse hurled at them, sparing me the pain in the moment.

I'm an outcast now because I can't openly say what's wrong with me. Even the mere mention of depression, anxiety and especially dissociative identity disorder causes the room to go silent. For example, where my husband works, a co-worker's wife is off on disability for a back injury and this was disclosed with no problem; however, Paul could never reveal why I'm on disability.

Strange thing happened tonight when my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were over. I was soooooooooooo excited they were here. I mean, beyond normal. What was happening was "everyone inside" were really happy they were visiting, so it results in my feeling super, duper happy. I had trouble talking because they were chattering a mile a minute and I couldn't keep a single clear thought. Then my insides were vibrating like I had all this excess energy. I finally had to take an Ativan, but it had no real effect. I grabbed my crocheting to force my mind to focus on a task, and it worked. I was able to calm down, or rather, they were able to calm down which in turn relaxed me. I think they got all excited because I talked to them about all of "us" and because there was no rejection, they were now "really good people."

What Am I Grateful For Today?

1) well this is actually from yesterday...I talked with my eldest daughter Martina on the phone and it was so wonderful to hear her voice
2) we are going to Vancouver for a couple of days to visit both our daughters in a couple of weeks
3) we had lots of fun with Ken & Ginny tonight playing cards
4) Paul made a delicious dinner

What Have I Done Today To Make Me Feel Proud?

1) I ate healthy
2) I had a long, hot shower and washed my hair (sounds like something anyone would do, but with the depression, it takes a lot of energy to just move, so a shower is a big thing for me)
3) I tidied up after dinner and made coffee (sounds minor, but right now it's a biggie)
4) I used this blog to get out some "stuff" that I normally put in my morning pages, so I don't have to feel guilty about not writing them on paper now

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Hey, there, my friend. After reading this, I find you to be truly brave. There is strength in this blog. There is acceptance in this blog. I see it as you were able to see subtle differences in your pictures. Thank you for sharing your story and being open. Sharing about it and being open about it is part of the healing and acceptance. This takes courage. There is no shame for how you arrived here. You're still HERE is what matters and you're living with this.

Those of us who don't understand will do stupid, ignorant things like change the topic or avoid it. But as long as you show yourself, you challenge their ignorance. There is nothing more dynamic than an "outcast" that not only shows up, but SHINES. Keep growing and learning. Continue to be brave!



Report Inappropriate Comment
MONEYSTRETCHER 8/19/2009 12:12AM

    When I discuss my disability I usually say I have a major depression disorder, an anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a disassociative dissorder. Most people don't know what that means. If they do, then they are usually accepting. Every once in awhile I get someone who is too curious and wants a circus show, I don't do that.

Since I am mostly integrated now, I don't get the severe headaches any more. Except lately, but that is stress not my alters. We get overwhelmed with emmotions and there is so much going on right now.

I remember the little alters getting excited feeling and being so wonderfully happy. Most of my alters are grown up now, so I don't feel that often.

I love the collage of all of them. That sounds so wonderful. Yes, they can tell a difference. Usually most people can't. I brought pictures of my mother to my therapist and he could see the differences in her and was amazed they were all of the same person.(she also had DID, but not diagnosed) He said it is very unusual for him to be able to tell, but that alters know what pictures are of them.

I can tell in pictures of some of my DID friends, it is mostly in the eyes. That is where I saw the difference in them and they in me. We have all moved apart, most of us are mostly integrated now or completely. But it is still so nice to run into them.

There is no way to explain this disorder to someone else. I have tried, and I think I do a good job, but it is so different for each of us.

You are all doing so good, and I am so proud of all of you. I have been busy here and I have missed your blogs. Watching you all go through this journey rekindles my feelings of hope. DID can be difficult, but it can also be such a beautiful blessing in a harsh cruel world. Some of the mentally strongest people I know have or had DID.

Some positive similarities that I have noticed in all of my DID friends, that I notice in you are intelligence, strength and creativity.

You are all wonderful and you have uplifted my day with your voice of hope.


Report Inappropriate Comment
CHANGES4KAREN 8/14/2009 9:55PM

    I have been working through a lot of PTSD issues in recent years. My adult life was nearly trashed because I couldn't handle the pain. I spent years in and out of hospitals and leading a rather destructive life. When it came out that I had DID, I was not surprised. The dissociative walls started thinning and I began to have co-consciousness like you were describing. Now, I honor the different parts by letting them have a say in what goes on though sometimes I don't have a say. Depending on who has the con. There are major and minor players but I know when the kids inside are excited what that is like. Or an angry part takes over what happens then. Yet I have worked on this for a lot of years now and have gotten in a better routine. Or we have. It works OK. Though, I realize how difficult dealing with memories is, as I have been and go through that, yet through continued positive reinforcement of new skills. My experiences get better. I like your crocheting technique. Sometimes the tiniest but neatest little trick I do lately is just to quietly file my nails neatly and simply until they are all done and for some reason that seems to calm me down well. Thanks for your honesty and courage. You are brave.

Report Inappropriate Comment
RSCOZZAFAVA 8/9/2009 11:30PM

    I want to thank you for this blog...for all of your blogs. The fact that you have taken the steps to put this all in writing out on the web is amazing. Yes it will make people aware that this is real and happens to the people we know...maybe the person that sits right beside you on the bus or subway, or in the cubicle across from you at your job, it could be your niece, a brother or sister-in-law...anyone that passes your path each day. Treating people with disorders of mental illness as though it is an imaginary illness or one of shame is one of our societies failings. I am sorry that you have experienced the pain of our failings.

I am glad you have an understanding caring husband. His support and love is a wonderful blessing for you. I hope to continue to be able to follow your progress on reaching your goals through your blogs.

Thanks for giving us the gift of your story!
Roxie (Vendetta) emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHPHYS 8/9/2009 9:16PM

    Thank you for putting yourself out there, I know it is hard. We are all here to support you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BCANGELRAE 8/9/2009 6:33PM

    I don't have alot to say except, thank you for sharing that. It is incredibly personal, and to trust everyone to read that is amazing. I can't say I understand anything about what you are going through but I have watched my mom struggle with depression many times in her life and struggled with it a time or two on my own. My struggles were nothing near yours but I do get the shower thing. Keep on this journey. You are doing great! We are always hear to listen or to read.

Report Inappropriate Comment
VALERIENEAL 8/9/2009 9:51AM

    WOW, thank you for stepping out and trusting us with this. I am not a Dr. and I have, to my knowledge, never met any one quite like you, but you sound like a fascinating person. To have first survived what you have is amazing. As, I said I am not a Dr. but I have always wondered if we humans have many different "sides" to ourselves and due to trauma sometimes something happens. I am not belittling or comparing, but I do remember being a teen and "trying on personalities", I eventually became a people pleaser and still am. Sometimes that is my downfall. I look forward to getting to know you better, all of you, and seeing where your journey takes you. I have never been where you are, but do understand depression and abuse, if you ever need to vent, just reach out, I'll be there. I do want to add that in a situation in my life recently I was dealing with bitterness, anger, rage, depression, and who knows what else, the key to getting through that situation (for me) was to first forgive myself for not being able to forgive the others involved. I began to feel, little by little, the ice melt. The guilt at being so angry and bitter started to fall away, it took time, in fact it is still a process now, but that was the key to my personal freedom. I wish I had a recording of a standing ovation,I would send it to you, you deserve one. And then when you needed it you could just hit play and know that someone thinks you worthy of one. Instead I will simply send you an "Atta Girl", so reach around and pat your back, you earned it honey.

Thanks again for sharing, the journey may be yours, but you are not alone on this road.
Be blessed,

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALBA06 8/9/2009 7:06AM

  i can't believe this finally someone who has, i'm sorry, what i have did as well as other problems with depression, anxiety and panic, sooooo many years. i was also the black sheep of my family. i know the feeling of the peacefulness of the night and often skip my sleep meds also. i'm just so there with you. as i read what you said i saw myself and when i blog people are all about god and how he is going to save me, i don't think so . they don't understand that to just make it through the day i need 8 medications. i have a great shrink and has kept me out of the hospital for six years now. i use to be in and out all the time because i use to cut myself all the time. i am sorry for all you are going through and i hope you remember you can always write me. people just don't get it or are afraid you are contagious. thank you for sharing i feel like i have a soul mate. melissa

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 Last Page