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Introducing My Inner Warrior...

Wednesday, August 05, 2009


My inner warrior is a strong, courageous, heroic woman who if fearless in battle yet gentle in love. Standing erect, her gaze is focused and determined, she will not bow down to threats or judgements. Her family is her life and she will fight to her death to protect them. She is steadfast in her convictions. Daring anyone to attempt penetration into her sanctuary, she tramples them at first sight. No one can deter her from her ultimate goal of finding peace and beauty amongst the ashes of pain. Her name...Hera, the Protectress. Listen to the pronunciation of her name here:
www.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/audi
o.pl?hera0002.wav=Hera


Today was a good day. It didn't start out that way, but as the hours passed, and especially after our walk, it vastly improved. Now, I need to remember how good I felt after the walk for those days when I don't want to leave the house. Hmmm....will have to give that some thought about what I could use as a trigger.

What am I grateful for today?

1) I had a wonderful phone call with my daughter Mallory
2) My other daughter Martina is home from her trip and I can talk to her tomorrow
3) Paul and I had a great conversation on our walk
4) All the wonderful friends I have in my life, including those here on SparkPeople
5) My new medication has reduced my rage tenfold

What have I done today to make me feel proud?

1) I went for a walk with Paul and our 4 doggies despite my hips hurting
2) I ate super healthy
3) I found the "perfect" name for my warrior

This was my 35 minute walk tonight with Paul and our 4 doggies. It was 1.4 miles.
www.mapmywalk.com/walk/canada/bc/sid
ney/561124944819070797

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIFFLE52 8/6/2009 9:51PM

    I am so glad you are feeling better and had a good day. You deserve it.

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SHPHYS 8/5/2009 6:39PM

    keep up the postive energy, just stopeed by to encourage you to battle on emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHRISPYLEE 8/5/2009 12:56PM

    Cathy,
I am so proud of you and happy for you!
You deserve all the best!
Love ya!

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GLORYLIGHT57 8/5/2009 12:31PM

    emoticonThe warrior in your is beautiful...you are gaining so much insight from all this. What a blessings to be so inspiring.
emoticon

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CHOCMOM 8/5/2009 12:21PM

  Thank you for posting this. Your warrior is HOT!
emoticon emoticon

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MAXFUNGURL 8/5/2009 10:51AM

    Sometimes that's all you need is your family (and their love and support) and your furbabies and a good walk and some good conversation to set things right. Good job on getting some time and distance with the walking. Hopefully your pain will abate over time and you will just feel better and better!
Your warrior is awesome! You forgot to mention two more of her powers: she is stacked and can rock some thigh high boots! heehee!

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VALERIENEAL 8/5/2009 8:26AM

    WHOOHOO!!!
emoticon
I did a blog on a speech with Will Smith, called Running and Reading. It is my motivational video for the week, if you have not stopped by yet grab a glass of water and come on by.

Question? Isn't Hera also the wife of Zeus?

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SWAZY33 8/5/2009 7:30AM

    Wonderful blog!
We all have so many simple things to be grateful for.

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KNITTOBETHIN 8/5/2009 7:08AM

    Sounds like a great day to me Cathie.. I checked out your route and... we could have been neighbors years ago, kind of. We lived in Neah Bay, on the very tip of Washington state where the Makah Indian Reservation is. The ocean was right outside our back door. Beautiful country there. I would have loved to settle at Port Angeles but... here we are all the way on the other side of the country. Ha - I never did have a sense of direction. Love your profile picture, Hera sounds like she will help you stick to your guns.
Betty

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PEARL10 8/5/2009 3:22AM

    Gr8 haveing a gratitude journal. I have been doing this lately..need to be more consistant.

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Up Again, Back At It Again...I Want Off This Merry Go Round

Tuesday, August 04, 2009


Link to image: kawaiidebu.deviantart.com/art/Used-t
o-fit-61919622


Why? Why? Why?

I just weighed myself. 225 lbs! F**k! Yeah, last night it was 222.6, now I'm up 2.4 lbs in one day! I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that the challenge started today and although I didn't eat healthy because I was going to weigh myself in the morning, I can't reverse what I've done. So, once again, I'm back at it.

My weight loss goal for this 8 week challenge is 12 lbs. It's time for a good, hard, swift kick in the ass! Enough with the excuses. Enough with giving up. Enough of enough!!

It's 11:50 p.m. and I'm going to bed. If I'm serious about changing my lifestyle, then going to bed before morning must be done.

What I'm Grateful For:
1) my ever patient husband Paul, who, when I told him my weight tonight was encouraging and telling me I'm starting back at it in the morning
2) the warm sunny day
3) Ginny, who is one of my biggest motivators with her emails
4) sold 2 dvds & 3 puzzles, made $50 which I'll add to our fun jar of cash

What Have I Done Today To Make Me Feel Proud?
1) fed the doggies their dinner (usually Paul does this)
2) breathing through the anxiety and not taking an Ativan
3) going to bed before morning
4) planned out my day tomorrow - trying to get some structure to help move myself out from the depths of this depression

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATANNAH 8/5/2009 1:27PM

    Do you need the scale for accountability? To help you stay on track? Is there anything else you can use instead? Because the scale is not your friend.

I have repeatedly had to tell myself, "I am effecting change, and the scale is nothing but a witness." If I dwell on it, I hold myself back.

More importantly, are you eating right, living healthy, breathing, moving, loving, living? I know those are harder to track but they mean so much more than a number that does not really define you and the beauty inside you.

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SHPHYS 8/4/2009 3:32PM

    Thank you for adding me as a friend. My weight fluctuates throughout the day and other times as well. Let it go. When my scale broke, I thought it was so freeing. Just look once a week. Don't let those numbers dictate your day. Battle on girl

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GLORYLIGHT57 8/4/2009 2:06PM

    I made a decision not to dwell on the scale; my weight goes up and down way too much for that. It would make me sick. I also made a decision to focus on moving my body; connecting my mind and my heart and making better food choices.
I love your gratitude list. That's certainly something good you're doing.

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CHOCMOM 8/4/2009 1:47PM

  emoticon emoticon You can do this, one day at a time. You have your weapons, now put them to use.

My first glance at the pic, I thought somebody had taken my picture and I didn't know it - that looked like me this past weekend, convinced I was ready for a size 14. emoticon Not quite. But I am convinced I will get there, because I am worth it.

Battle on Fellow Warrior!

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RAMONAFAY 8/4/2009 12:14PM

  It's a natural reaction! But remember breathe in and breathe out slowly --now remember in the whole scheme of things this one little thing really isn't that major--your wonderful and lovable just the way you are--yes we both want to lose weight and we both want to get healthy! So if I can encourage you in anyway I will consider
it an honor to do so! We are just human and trying to be the best we can be--if you were perfect you would be flying around with the angles and your dear hubby would be lonely! So be happy just being you that's plenty good enough! emoticon

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REDISCOVERINGME 8/4/2009 9:24AM

    Hello! Body weight fluctuates all day!!!!! My advice - weigh once a week, on the same day at the same time every time. Its the most accurate reflection!

Way to go on the pride points! I have panic attacks and I know how difficult it is to get through sometimes.

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VALERIENEAL 8/4/2009 9:20AM

    Hang in there sweetie. Remember the story "The Ugly Duckling"? When he was little he was surrounded by ducks who thought him ugly and clumsy. Yet when he found the swans he realized that he was not a duck, but one of them. He grew into a beautiful graceful swan, but had some growing pains to get through on that journy. We all do. You CAN do this, you can be that swan, and you are surrounded by those who understand you and your struggles, not those who will put you down or leave you behind. Each of us have our own struggles and growing pains, but we all understand pain, and we are here for you. Be blessed!!!

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HPLANDER 8/4/2009 8:01AM

    It can be very frustrating to see the scale go up, but women's weight fluctuates throughout the day. I have seen as much as a 4 pound change between morning and night in my weight and then it mysteriously goes away with a day of good choices. Don't beat yourself up, just stick to the plan. The weight will come off, just believe in yourself and take one step at a time.

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KNITTOBETHIN 8/4/2009 6:01AM

    Oh Cathie I've so been there. It's frustrating to climb on the scale and see a gain like that. It could be you had retained water, maybe taken in more salt than usual the day before. Or not - whatever the reason you can still persist and get past it and that number will do down eventually. That's what I'm telling myself. I honestly believe that the only way to being successful is to change eating habits and that's a long process therefore, the weight loss will take time to register. I'm in it for the long haul and am so thankful I have my sp friends to share the fight with. Keep on keeping on kiddo and give a big hug to that man of yours for being so supportive.
Betty emoticon

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I Found This Amazing Song "If I Were Brave"

Monday, August 03, 2009

I came across this song "If I Were Brave" by Jana Stanfield tonight and it spoke volumes to the journey I and so many others are on. Also, it fit well with the quote I wrote on the warrior image I found. I'm going to sing along to the video every day to remind me that I can do this. I can get healthy by losing weight and getting active.

I just had to share it with all of you. The lyrics are below and to get the full effect, sing along; you will no doubt feel good afterward.

Link to music video www.youtube.com/watch?v=itJR_4y2PZI

Lyrics:

What would I do, if I knew that I could not fail?
If I believed, would the wind always fill up my sail?
How far would I go? What could I achieve,
trusting the hero in me?

If I were brave, Iíd walk the razorís edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I'd never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What if weíre all meant to do what we secretly dream?
What would you ask, if you knew you could have anything?
Like the mighty oak sleeps, in the heart of a seed,
are there miracles in you and me?

If I were brave, Iíd walk the razorís edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I'd never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

If I refuse to listen to the voice of fear,
would the voice of courage whisper in my ear?

If I were brave, Iíd walk the razorís edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I'd never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUCKEYESKIER 8/4/2009 7:51AM

    emoticonfor posting the link to this song! I am going to bookmark it and am going to try to remember to watch it, especially on those days when I struggle.

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SHEDDING123 8/4/2009 12:29AM

    WOW!
Listening to this for first time right now and had to say THANKS, even before it has ended. What a great anthem for us as we take the plunge with optimism and determination on day #1, having dared to know we can do this!

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METRO2 8/3/2009 11:08PM

    Thanks...I'll check it out.

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Med Change Saved Me

Sunday, August 02, 2009


Image Link ithilean.deviantart.com/art/The-Dyna
micCalm-83418966


I found out today that the 8 Week Battle #5 starts this Monday instead of next. All I can say is "Thank Goodness!!!!"

Since the 8 Week Battle #4 ended on July 20th, I've gained 6 lbs! I stopped tracking my food and walking. I replaced it with pizza, KFC, brownies, chocolate, banana bread, bananas and milk (yummmy!!!) and more. I knew I was eating way too much, but I just didn't care. A lot of my attitude had to do with my depression worsening to the point I thought I'd have to be hospitalized. It was the rage that was ruling my life and I didn't give a damn about anything.

Thankfully, I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday and changes were made with input from Paul and me. I was taken off an anti-psychotic Seroquel and put on another called Zyprexa. This new medication has reduced the rage so much as well as the fact that I slept nightmare free, 14 hrs the first night and 12 hrs the second. Also, I haven't need to take any Ativan since the med change.

So I have it recorded somewhere, these are my current medications:
- a.m. 600 mg Gabapentin, 150 mg Effexor-XR
- dinner 120 mg Cymbalta
- bed 600 mg Gabapentin, 1 mg Clonazepam, 20 mg Zyprexa
- only when needed: 0.5 to 1 mg Ativan

In addition to the medication change, I'm being referred to a group that meets Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons. It is all women around my age who are struggling with day to day life due to depression. It is a skills group so the focus will be on Cognitive Behavioural Training. This "Core" group in addition to the ACT group on Monday nights will be instrumental in getting me back on a schedule and living my life.

Having the 8 Week Battle #5 starts Monday fits in so nicely with all these changes I'm making. I like the accountability and structure of this team and all the challenges as well as the support I can give and receive from all the team members. So on Monday, I'll weigh myself then work hard to lose weight and get active!

What Have I Done Today To Make Me Feel Proud?

1) mindfulness practice: 5 minute meditation in the morning
2) mindfulness practice: transition from sleep to wakefulness
3) mindfulness practice: brushing my teeth
4) relaxation practice: crochet while watching tv
5) relaxation practice: turned off computer all evening
6) setup a spreadsheet for the 8 Week Battle: one for me & a template for the team if they want to use it

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATANNAH 8/5/2009 1:23PM

    I haz a hug. It's for you.

emoticon

I'm so proud of you. You are a true warrior.

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BUCKEYESKIER 8/5/2009 11:32AM

    Hi Cathie,

I wanted to let you know that I too struggle with depression. The thing with me is that I try to put on a good face, but inside, I will struggle; however, I have been doing a lot better with it since I have joined Sparkpeople. One thing that has really helped me is that I made a goal for myself to get outside for 15 minutes/day. Having that on my goals really helps me, especially on those days when I just hole myself up inside of the house. Most days I will take my dog for a walk at least around the block, which kills two birds with one stone. On days that I really struggle, I just go outside and sit on the patio with a book, or just sit and think. Getting outside really helps me - at least during the summer.

It is just a thought. Remember that we are all here for you. That is one of the things that I am loving about this battle is that it is a very active board and everyone has just been so great and supportive.

emoticon Karen

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CHANGES4KAREN 8/3/2009 8:50PM

    Sounds like you are working really hard to use all of your tools to get through your emotions and ups and downs. I realize that this kind of work isn't easy. I have been through a lot of similar experiences myself as I have told you before. Though, most of the hardest work has been harrowing and difficult to get through for me, now the rewards are awesome. I still have to work a lot on coping skills and balance and on my personality issues yet I see that so much light has come into where there was so much darkness. I have hope for the future where I once had very little anticipation for anything good. I hope for you that even though you may need to use medications, as I still do, or you may need to utilize your supports, as I still do, that there may a break in the intensity and you may experience some freedom from the pain and that you would feel content with yourself and life. I still suffer from anxiety and periodic depressions though I find that the exercise and nutrition helps stabilize me. So, good for you to take on challenges to get right with yourself. And when things don't go your way, you pick yourself up and start over again. Sometimes that is all we can do for ourselves. Yet sometimes, that is a lot! My heart goes out to you. You are moving mountains, my dear!!!

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CAREWREN 8/3/2009 2:11PM

    My friend, I acknowledge that I am not a doc but everyone (all four of us) who have been on Seroquel got hungrier than heck and gained weight. I'm not trying to make excuses for you (well, maybe just a little) but some drugs have that effect. Effexor, Cymbalta, and Clonazepam don't do that. I don't know about the other ones.

I crochet (well, to be honest, I used to crochet). I have all the stuff including an unopened box of a kit for something simple (I can't even remember what it is)! That would be so calming. I remember how much it helped me to relax, to not eat and, at the time, to not smoke. And, on top of all that, to make something. Why won't I give that to myself? I run on "high" most of the time.

I am thrilled about your support group. I am one of the many folks who support you here on SP. You are definitely going in the right direction!

I think all of us would love your template!

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AARONSMOM2006 8/3/2009 12:03PM

    Can I bum a copy of your spreadsheet?

Depression is hard. I suffer as well, and it makes it doubly difficult for me when trying to lose weight b/c I'm an emotional eater. I'll find myself in front of the fridge stuffing my face before I realize what I'm doing. And, it just adds to the feelings of failure and lack of self-esteem so it's a constant downward spiral. I can't say that I've experienced the rage you mention; mine is always self-pity and loathing. Both are destructive to our health and I'm glad to see you've decided to battle as well. I think It will really help get me on the right path.

Good luck on your journey!

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ANSING 8/2/2009 4:55PM

    It sounds like things are finally starting to come together for you. I am so happy about that. I wish you the best of luck. Now, go get them in that battle!

Annette

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KNITTOBETHIN 8/2/2009 9:12AM

    Hi Cathie..

I can't really imagine what you are going through, having to fight off depression. I have friends here who are in the fight as well and I can see what the game of changing meds does to them and it makes me feel so helpless. Depression isn't something you can't fix by saying "buck up". It's a long fight and a frustrating one which can so often end with someone just giving up. I'm so glad you haven't given in to it all. And happy you have found a support group that seems to be helping. You hang in there girl - you are worth it.
Betty

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The End Of My First 8 Week Battle

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Well the 8 Week Battle #4 ended on Monday. I saw a total loss of 12.4 lbs which was 4.4 more lbs than my goal. I also lost 5.18% of my start weight. In addition, I lost a total of 2 inches off my body. So I ended the battle at 216.4 lbs. Now, what did I learn during these eight weeks?

- I didn't give it 100%
- I still struggle with the self sabotage; lose, be happy, binge, be angry
- I get caught up in earning SparkPoints, thus frustration sets in when there is no way in hell I'll accumulate the high number of points others do; I just don't have the time or desire to blank copy tons of members as it feels meaningless
- I'm not consistent with any aspect of getting healthy
- I am lazy most of the time and planning, then executing a healthy meal feels overwhelming
- I still have no sleeping schedule, thus eating happens at all kinds of weird times ie: middle of the night
- Being obsessed about my excess weight only means I'll be unhappy, thus not lose a damned pound
- I either spend hours on SparkPeople or avoid it completely for days; no happy medium
- I can't eat 2 oatmeal anymore without extreme pain and bloating
- If I choose to eat something sweet, I can stop after one
- I set too many goals for myself, get overwhelmed, then do a half assed job on all of them
- I make healthy choices when I take the time to write my minimum 3 morning pages
- My self esteem rises and I feel physically exhausted after a good 45 walk through the wooded paths near our home - watching the four dogs run free with big smiles makes the time fly
- The most important thing I learned and this was actually from my ACT group was that I can live my life regardless of my weight! That means I can crochet, do my jigsaw puzzles, read, enjoy a walk, write, meditate and more right now. By doing all of this, I'll feel better about myself, and when that happens, I'll naturally gravitate towards a balanced healthy lifestyle.

The next 8 Week Battle starts on August 10th. I want to weigh 212, then set my goal for 199, or 13 lb loss in 8 weeks. I desperately want to be under 200 lbs, and have my BMI move from obese class II to obese class I. This morning my weight was 218, up 1.2 from yesterday. I hate how from one day to the next it's up, down, up, down. So, that means I need to lose 6 lbs in 3 weeks. That's not too bad even with the effects of my meds. So I'm going to work hard towards it. Before the battle starts, I'm going to sit down and really plan my goals, being specific about what I want to achieve.

Oh yeah, my biggest accomplishment with this battle....I stuck with it! I didn't give up despite the urge numerous times! I finished something I started! This is huge for me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 7/23/2009 9:43AM

    You are doing splendiferously! You are human. I know I'm not telling you anything new but that does mean that you're going to go up, down and everywhere inbetween. Some of my stuff is similar and other stuff is the same in principle. It's not easy being human. Sigh. So, if we can take even just a little from what we have learned so far and apply it toward the next goal, maybe we shall see more positive movement. I'd sure like to be doing that 3-page/day writing thing! emoticon emoticon

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ANSING 7/23/2009 1:09AM

    Cathie, you are really doing great! Maybe fewer goals at one time will help? Anyways, you should be proud of yourself. Not only did you not give up, and lost more weight than you planned, but you're learning from your mistakes, and turning it into a real lifestyle change!

Annette

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KV711LAW 7/22/2009 4:53PM

    Cathie!

I love what you have accomplished! You really are an amazing woman! So many things you write ring true with me as well! So happy that we will be sharing another battle!

Think you know how I feel ~ staying in the battle to the end means you can do anything! You committed to 8 weeks and you saw it through, no matter what!

Hugs! kelli



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DONNAEDA 7/22/2009 10:46AM

    Cathy, can I suggest that you go over your blog once again and rewrite it in the positive instead of telling us all your negatives. You accomplished and exceed your goal. Be happy about that. Bask in the glory of all your accomplishments instead of looking back and seeing the glass as half empty.

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VLECKB 7/22/2009 10:40AM

    My darling Cathie

You have such a way of expressing yourself. Really you write just like it's from your soul.

You have been an amazing champion. No things haven't been easy and you have struggled but you have gone from trying to walk down the hall to a 45 minute walk with the dogs!

You have lost 12 lbs! You have made some wonderful and important changes.

Nothing happens overnight but with each change life gets better and better.

You have done great! And I am proud of you!

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CHOCMOM 7/22/2009 10:17AM

  I think we all go through this, especially during our first battle. I too was caught up in the points for the team, in battle #3, and sometimes I get caught up in Spark points. Like when it is the 4th day of the month and someone already has 600 Spark Points for the month - how do they do that?? In Battle #4, I posted to pages, and encouraged others, but I didn't obsess over it, instead I obsessed over my personal goals and it paid off. I lost 14 lbs, 4 more than my goal. I found a happy "medium" of posting, checking in with others and keeping my personal goals in mind.

I wonder what I could do, if I gave it 100%. I'd say I am at 75% right now. I still have days where I look for an excuse not to go to my aerobics class or not to walk. I still (not as often), justify overeating or eating too many calories in one meal, by saying - I will do better on the next meal.

You did great! By staying with the battle, you accomplished a lot and that accomplishment will come with you into the next battle, making you a stronger warrior! I am looking forward to the next battle with you.

emoticon emoticon You are a Winner!!

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IMAGINE_IT 7/22/2009 9:06AM

    I loved every word you wrote!! And i can identify with some of the things you have learned...but what stuck out to me was the sentence: "I can live my life regardless of my weight" Wow...very powerful words.... thank you for your Blog emoticon emoticon

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CHANGES4KAREN 7/22/2009 8:40AM

    I think you did terrific! And being ambivalent about spark points etc. does not bother me. I found that all that obsessing and sparking it up!!! drove me away the last time. When I came back I was determined to just be myself. And hence I feel better.

I, myself, am a night person by nature. There are many times when I eat before bed because I haven't eaten in six hours and my body needs food. That is not really a bad thing in my mind. Rigidity can be a curse. I have to believe that there is no one size fits all way of living. I certainly have determined for myself that life does not work that way.

And just because you or I are above the average weight certainly does not mean do not enjoy life!!! Enjoy!!! Don't let life pass you by. I think my depression had me down in the past in a really wicked bad way that now that it is only intermittent, I have more hobbies, and pursuits.

I am really glad you're enjoying your walks. There is, to me, nothing more soothing than getting outside and enjoying nature for a spell, even if only for a little while. I have become addicted to modest exercise and if I don't exercise I become a bear. Even if I don't breath the fresh air. So, it doesn't surprise me the pleasure you get from going out with your dogs. Sounds beautiful to me!

But most of all, congratulations on good work! And determination! In spite of mixed feelings about different things. You are fighting the good fight! Go on now! Keep it up!

All the best to you, Karen

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KNITTOBETHIN 7/22/2009 7:29AM

    Oh Cathie... you are doing great girl, cut yourself a break - or let me do it for you...

I too fight with sticking to a program, once I form one in my head. and I can't stop at just one of anything, be it sweet or salty. The spark points call to me as well but now I've found they offer the temptation I need to read the articles for their worth in print, not just for the points so when I don't have time to point hunt, I just let it go. My exercising is touch and go lately, after thinking I had formed the habit, bam, two days off - sheesh. But... I too have learned I can slowly change the way I think about my life and that's a good thing because slowly it's changing my weight and well being.

You have lost 12+ pounds - that's wonderful ! I'm happy for you even though you beat me out by a pound ! But... the weigh off means that along the way of our slips and slides, we have done something quite right and something that's so good for us ! It IS a huge feat and I for one will keep cheering you on because that will keep me going as well.
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