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Mon July 13/09: Daily Gratitude & Accomplishment List

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I completely forgot about doing my gratitude list until I read it in an article on happiness. How quickly I get absorbed in my own crap and forget that I do have things to be grateful for. Let this be a reminder to do this daily to be a reminder that life is good and I have a choice as to how I will react.

Today I am grateful for....
1) Paul listening to me disclose a painful sexual assault event from the year we were separated in 2002. He didn't try to make me feel better; he just listened, which was exactly what I needed.
2) the ACT program because tonight I finally discovered what I am avoiding deep in my soul and heart
3) having family and friends in my life who truly care about my well being

Today I did this well...
1) I was on the computer doing my blogging etc. while Paul slept beside me. Doing it this way helped me feel safe.
2) I went to the ACT group tonight and stayed until the end even though I really wanted to run away because the suicidal thoughts were so strong

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGES4KAREN 7/21/2009 7:44AM

    You are brave to talk about what happened even with someone safe. It isn't always easy to find someone you feel comfortable with to talk about these things, even family or loved ones. You must have a lot of trust with your spouse.

I know that gratitude is big on my list for getting through the day. I have had a mood shift where I am on the downlow and I feel a little threatened by my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, gratitude would be a good way to compensate for some of that uneasiness I am feeling.

I know I am getting better, but some days I don't feel like it.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GLORYLIGHT57 7/17/2009 1:35AM

    I love that you are sharing; because I care, too! emoticon

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ANSING 7/14/2009 11:49PM

    I like your warrior, she is brave and strong, a survivor just like you.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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TIFFLE52 7/14/2009 3:36PM

    You continue to be in my thoughts. emoticon

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CAREWREN 7/14/2009 10:35AM

    I am so glad you stayed to the very end. That is a survivor's action. I also like what you said about you vision collage. I think this is one of those things where the right way is the way you see it which is what you did. You are dealing with so much but you are dealing with it. I am proud to know you.

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My Vision Collage & The Time Has Come To Deal With The Past

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I know my vision collage isn't typical of a "collage," but when I thought of it, this image of a strong female warrior standing strong, confident and courageous, ready to face her enemies was exactly what my vision is. I added these words to the image as they spoke to my soul, the deepest part of me that is my guilt, shame, pain, anger, self blame and suffering.

"Inside me, never far from the surface is the warrior and hero who will fight this battle until it is won. I am going to be brave."

I realized at the ACT group tonight that I am avoiding dealing with a pain so deep that the more I try to push it out of my mind, the more I think of it. Add to this the accompanying emotions of regret, self-blame, shame, anger, guilt and the result is endless suffering which manifests itself as binging and suicidal ideation.

This pain is related to the year Paul & I were separated, specifically, 2002, six and a half years ago. That year was lived as a dichotomy, one of acting out sexually verses freezing while I was being sexually assaulted numerous times by men, a woman and myself in addition to the physical assault by numerous women and emotional abuse by most of the new men and women that came into my life at that time. This is not easy to write, but we're exhausted living with so much suffering. We want a life worth living and only by speaking our truth will we be free of the demons that roam through my body like slithering snakes.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the Women's Sexual Assault Centre to start the process towards regular counselling to deal with the sexual abuse during 2002 as well as any residuals left unhealed from my childhood. It is not only I who needs to deal with the incidents of 2002, my alters also do. For one situation, there may have been upwards of 10 parts involved. Knowing this shows me that counseling is definitely needed to help all of us forgive ourselves for our behaviour. I also need to accept that during that year the goal was to prepare the body for death, so acting out, doing whatever we wanted regardless of the danger was a means to an end. I know there is a sliding scale for counselling, so we hope we will be accepted.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TANYAHDG 7/16/2009 12:15PM

    I am blown away by the bravery you possess. You have shared such courage in your journey. I pray that you will continue to press forward and be empowered. Your Swan is truly emerging!


Tanya emoticon

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CHOCMOM 7/15/2009 7:20PM

  emoticon Love it sister - you have written down what your next step is, I hope you will take it. Know that you are loved and cherished by all your teammates and Spark Friends. You are in my prayers.


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KNITTOBETHIN 7/14/2009 10:48PM

    The steps you have taken are so powerful and brave it over whelms me. I will be thinking of you and praying for a successful outcome.

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    I will be sending all my energy to you.You are quite brave to have done the step you have taken.Reaching to the center for help is the next step.

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CHANGES4KAREN 7/14/2009 7:54PM

    I will be thinking of you. Hang in there. May you be surrounded by light and love.

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GLORYLIGHT57 7/14/2009 2:12PM

    I love this collage and the words you wrote fit the picture perfectly. You're very good with words.

emoticonIt really does take a warrior to look within and face the past; all of us have our burdens to bear; it's a blessing that you are ready. I will keep you in my prayers.

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CHRISPYLEE 7/14/2009 12:06PM

    WOW...this is heavy my friend!
First of all I love the image you chose and the idea that she is in you!!
Second,you are so brave for letting all of this out!
Please follow through with counseling and I pray you find a counselor that is a good 'fit' for you.
I think the hardest part is deciding to deal with the past and to leave it there!
I pray that peace be with you!

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MONEYSTRETCHER 7/14/2009 12:04PM

    You are so brave. And you are all so worth this help. The path you all are about to take is so worth all the work you will be doing, and one of the rewards is peace. Peace with every single part of you, and Love for every single part of you and you all deserve it. I am so glad you are taking this step.

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VLECKB 7/14/2009 11:27AM

    Please be sure you do call the centre. Don't put it off any longer. Peace from within will be such a good thing for you.

You will be in my prayers.

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I Can't Believe I Ate It, But At Least I Exercised!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

McCain Deep and Delicious Dark Chocolate Cake. 510 grams for the entire cake which when cut equals 6 servings @ 280 calories, 10 grams of fat. This delectable cake was bought for my husband and I think he maybe had one or two pieces. Me, who isn't supposed to have chocolate has 2 large pieces at 5:30 a.m. then exactly twelve hours later I ate the last 2 pieces.

Now I suffer.

Gas pain is built up in my abdomen and upper back between my shoulder blades. Nauseated to the point I may take a gravol to prevent me from vomiting which is also something I'm to avoid. Six weeks after my hiatus hernia surgery and I find I'm craving the foods I should definitely not eat - peanut butter, chocolate, cake. And guess what, I'm giving in and eating it all. So, to remind me of the rules, my body is reacting with a stern "You know better."

I'm going to do the Leslie Sansone 1 mile walk after this post. Yeah, it's 10:44 p.m., but I want to go to bed knowing I actually exercised instead of just talking about doing it. As well, it might help relieve the gas.

Update...11:31 p.m. I just finished the Leslie Sansone 1 Mile Walk and I feel good, sweaty and hot. I'm so glad I did it. Now I get my froggy sticker on the calendar!

What I Did Well Today:
1) I blogged.
2) I did the Leslie Sansone 1 Mile Walk!!!

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) Martina is in town and we'll be visiting with her tomorrow.
2) Paul, the doggies and myself may be going to Vancouver on July 21st to stay with Mal & Glen for a few days...got my fingers crossed
3) my mood is up a bit from being so down the last week
4) I've lost 23.4 lbs so far!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONEYSTRETCHER 7/14/2009 12:30PM

    For my daughter's party this weekend, we made the practice cake. And then we threw it away, because we didn't want to eat it. We will probably send home a lot of extra cake with families this weekend. It is just not something that can sit in our house.

You handled this wonderfully though, you exercised and that will make a big difference.

I have my boys eat their special treats else where. It doesn't work 100% but they keep things down to a minimium and keep things out of my fridge.

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DONNAEDA 7/8/2009 7:32PM

    Now you learned a valuable lesson, you cn't eat chocolate because it makes you sick. Keep that thought in your head. Would you take your husband's medication? I bet not, so don't eat his chocolate because it has the same reaction as meds do. Keep that feeling in the back of your mind.

If you find you can't have chocolate in the house then sit down with dh and tell him. I am sure he will understand your trigger foods. He seems like the kind of guy that would support you in this area. Or have him hide the goodies somewhere that you don't know.

Congratulations on doing exercises to counterbalance the binge. You rock girl!@!!!!!

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ANSING 7/8/2009 5:17PM

    Don't feel too bad. I would have ate the whole thing myself. That's why we don't have stuff like that in the house. All you can do is do better now.

I hope you don't suffer any long term consequences for it!


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BIZEEMOMTO3 7/8/2009 10:41AM

    Good for you to exercise and feel better before you went to bed. Nothing worse than going to bed with a food coma type feeling. I had to read your page to understand why shouldn't have eaten the cake beside of course the calories. Sometimes, you just need to see if the body is really paying attention or if the doctor is blowing smoke. Guess he knew what he was talking about after all! LOL! emoticon

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I Am Going To Be Brave

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

It's been a while since I last blogged. Blame it on avoidance, laziness, procrastination, fear, apathy or lethargy. Could be one, could be all. Yes, it is all. Blame. Such a strong word with a heavy weight attached to it. I know I blame myself for everything that goes wrong inwardly and outwardly. If Paul's not in a good mood, well, it must be something I did. Because we have this line of credit of debt, well, it must be entirely due to my spending alone. I'm fat and out of shape and that solely rests on my choices. The girls struggle with body image issues and yes, that is my fault as I was constantly on some kind of diet while they grew up. I attempted suicide numerous times, with the last almost being a success. This left the girls and my husband fearful causing them to pull away from me. Yeah, it hurts, but I'm to blame for causing this reaction.

Last night at the ACT group, I realized I've been blaming myself for my existence since before I was born. My mother tried stabbing her belly when pregnant with me because she felt I was evil. As an infant, she attempted to smother me because to her I was the bad seed. Any pain she suffered while I grew up was my fault. Because I was born, she could not stop herself from hurting my other siblings or herself. Even when I moved across the country, I was still to blame when she attempted suicide yet another time.

Yes, I can logically see that she had her own internal battles, but because of her inability to nurture and love me, I had the belief ingrained into my soul that I was to blame for every misfortune that she, my siblings, my husband and my daughters experienced.

I want to live in my left, logical brain. The side that says all my mother said and did to me is all bulls**t. Lies, lies, lies. She lives thousands of miles away and can no longer hurt me. She's in her sixties, while I'm 47. I'm a grown up, capable of making my own decisions and saying "F**k you" to her voice and messages that run rampant in my brain.

The truth though is that I dwell in my right, emotional brain. I can't exactly say I hate it, because it is this side that is my creativity, that allows me to express myself with words in a way that is expressive and understandable. I feel more alive here. Yeah, the pain sucks and the suffering is sometimes unbearable, but at least I can breathe here. Yes, it's here where all my other parts reside, where the scarred children hide in fear, while the rageful parts fantasize about slicing her into tiny bits. It is for these children I stay here, to give them a voice, to validate their existence, to remind them of how heroic and brave they were all those years ago. I need to heal the tiny baby who was rejected, unloved and made to believe she was evil and a bad seed. Yes, in this brain I have suicidal thoughts constantly, but I keep telling myself that's all they are, thoughts.

Since the day I sat on my parents' bed at the age of seven, staring into their mirror, fantasizing about another life when I should have been cleaning their room, I knew. I knew so deep in my soul that my parents were not normal. I knew I was different. I knew that some day I would understand why I was put into this life. And with that, I floated to the open bedroom window, and waved like a princess to my friends below, oblivious to the pain that cloaked my back. For inside me, never far from the surface is the warrior and hero who will fight this battle until it is won.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONEYSTRETCHER 7/14/2009 12:24PM

    Your bravery to survive has brought two other beautiful lives into this world. The little baby inside of you is worth all the love in the world. She deserves to be held, cuddled and have sweet lullabyes sung to.

Your creativity saved you, you can heal this pain. It will take time, but it is so worth it. That little baby inside of you is so worth it.

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APPEALSTOME 7/13/2009 2:58PM

    I am sorry you had a traumatic childhood that left life long wounds. You are a courageous and brave survivor. Be kind, loving and gentle to yourself. emoticon

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ANSING 7/8/2009 5:13PM

    Such a sad story, I am so sorry you had to live it.


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NO_SNOW_BODY 7/7/2009 8:12PM

    Sad life to live as a child, glad you have found your back. Never give up and never give in, I had a non-loving mother growing up, but that is the way she was, she is now in her 70's and hasn't changed, her loss.

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DONNAEDA 7/7/2009 7:55PM

    My dear, my heart weeps for you as you tell your story on this blog. I can only say to you that you are indeed brave. Thank you for sharing I know it took courage. Iappreciate your courage and admire your bravery

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My Love For My Four Doggies

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Today I read a dear SparkFriend's blog who was wrestling with the difficult decision to give her kitty back to its foster parents because its needs were great and it needed special care. It brought me back to my feelings for my own doggies and decided to copy part of my comment to her, here on my blog.

I know when my dogs don't lie around my body I feel like they are rejecting me, and no logic can convince me otherwise.

I didn't understand the bond between animals and humans until now, having four doggies of my own. They range in age 4-1/2 to 8 yrs. They are my babies and I ache when they are in pain, I cry when they cry during a nightmare, I laugh when they are so happy wiggling their tails ever so quick, I say "I love you too" when they lick my face or arm, I sing so they will howl along with me, all five of us in perfect harmony and I massage their knots and tight muscles. Some say I spoil them, and I say "You're damned straight I do!" I have gone into debt with my cocker spaniel as she suffered a cataract, and then unfortunately lost her eye, along with allergies and skin problems. She is my baby, and I'll do anything for her as well as my other three.

Getting attached quickly is exactly what I did with a teeny Maltese I had. She was hit by a car at four months of age, and I felt like my heart had been torn from my body. I collapsed in my husband’s arms when told the news and all night I was awake, sobbing to the point I felt as though I had been punched in my stomach. The next morning, eyes swollen and face red, my husband took me to get another puppy. We found a beautiful cocker spaniel that we brought home that afternoon. I felt torn between the intense sadness of losing Sadie and joy at having Lacey. To this day I believe Sadie led me to Lacey as she was from a poor breeder (we found this out later) and had so many health problems. We took care of all of them, paying costs we really couldn’t afford, but also couldn’t afford not to.

I have come to realize my need to caretake is very strong and after both of my daughters moved to a different city; I felt this deep ache that overtook my soul. I thought I was "okay" they moved away, but I wasn't. I missed them beyond belief and the tears I shed could easily keep my lawn green year round. After we had our four doggies, that pain dissipated because now I had living creatures that needed me 24/7. I still miss my daughters beyond belief, but I no longer feel devastation. I have been given a new lease on life with my four furry babies.

Lastly, if you want to know what unconditional love is, look into the eyes of your doggie, kitty or other little animal. They get just as excited to see you whether you have been gone for hours or minutes.

What I Did Well Today:
1) I listened to the 20 minute Lying Down Body Scan
2) I attended the ACT Program Skills Group tonight
3) I gave support to a dear SparkFriend
4) I looked at how I could improve my eating & water intake to aid in my weight loss and overall well-being

What I’m Grateful For:
1) being involved with the ACT Program – I’m learning so much
2) having two beautiful, caring, intelligent, creative daughters
3) having a husband who knows what a walking meditation is without even knowing it – allowing the dogs to walk and sniff and going at their pace, enjoying nature, the dogs and his time alone – I finally understood this tonight at group
4) having four adorable, affectionate doggies

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORIELP 7/5/2009 6:34PM

    Doggy lover here too. Although I have always had cats, I am so glad that I decided to get a little fur baby to love. Lorraine

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CAREWREN 7/5/2009 6:21PM

    My friend, somehow I didn't read this blog entry before. I am so moved that you took my blog as a base to blog about your babies. I am even more moved that we are good Spark pals. That's one of the things I have on my gratitude list.

We kept Two. We couldn't give him back. He'd stolen our hearts. We are dealing with his conditions. His foster mom has about nine cats. I don't know what kind of individual attention she gives them, whether she would use the pH balanced food we feed Two, whether she would be able to watch and see if he strained when he had to go and give him his medicine if she saw that. She's a wonderful lady doing good deeds but we came to the conclusion that we could do it because we have to do it because we can't send Two back. He's used to being an only cat and she had said he didn't seem to get along too well with the other cats. What can I say? The little guy has our hearts. I was crying practically the entire week up to the day I thought we would be giving him up. I practically floated with joy when we talked about it some more and changed our minds.

You are a sweetheart. This is a great blog post. Thank you, my dear friend.

Comment edited on: 7/5/2009 6:24:54 PM

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CHOCMOM 6/25/2009 4:23PM

  Great Blog. I know this all to well. I have lived alone now since 1999. Miss Taylor (my lab) has been with me the whole time and what a joy and comfort she has been. In 2006, we both made room in our home and our hearts, for Miss Lily, a white short-haired cat that quickly took over and decided she was the boss. A year ago we added a 3 yr old Border Collie, Sassy to our clan. Sassy keeps me and Taylor young. I just posted a current pic of the dogs on my page. If you click on additional photos, you will see the pics of the Queen of the house, the cat.

Thanks for the blog!

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ANSING 6/23/2009 4:25PM

    I have to agree, my pets are my "kids", too. I don't know where I'd be without them.


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DONNAEDA 6/23/2009 1:28PM

    You have given me insight to the relationships between animals (pets) and their human caregivers. I don't have any pets, since we live in a condo that doesn't allow animals. I am sure it is my loss. I wish I could have a pet, but alas that isn't going to happen. Thanks for your blog

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PIGLET1979 6/23/2009 3:31AM

    My pup is my baby, too! Center of my world. Your little ones are precious!

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