Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I completely forgot about doing my gratitude list until I read it in an article on happiness. How quickly I get absorbed in my own crap and forget that I do have things to be grateful for. Let this be a reminder to do this daily to be a reminder that life is good and I have a choice as to how I will react.
Today I am grateful for....
1) Paul listening to me disclose a painful sexual assault event from the year we were separated in 2002. He didn't try to make me feel better; he just listened, which was exactly what I needed.
2) the ACT program because tonight I finally discovered what I am avoiding deep in my soul and heart
3) having family and friends in my life who truly care about my well being
Today I did this well...
1) I was on the computer doing my blogging etc. while Paul slept beside me. Doing it this way helped me feel safe.
2) I went to the ACT group tonight and stayed until the end even though I really wanted to run away because the suicidal thoughts were so strong
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I know my vision collage isn't typical of a "collage," but when I thought of it, this image of a strong female warrior standing strong, confident and courageous, ready to face her enemies was exactly what my vision is. I added these words to the image as they spoke to my soul, the deepest part of me that is my guilt, shame, pain, anger, self blame and suffering.
"Inside me, never far from the surface is the warrior and hero who will fight this battle until it is won. I am going to be brave."
I realized at the ACT group tonight that I am avoiding dealing with a pain so deep that the more I try to push it out of my mind, the more I think of it. Add to this the accompanying emotions of regret, self-blame, shame, anger, guilt and the result is endless suffering which manifests itself as binging and suicidal ideation.
This pain is related to the year Paul & I were separated, specifically, 2002, six and a half years ago. That year was lived as a dichotomy, one of acting out sexually verses freezing while I was being sexually assaulted numerous times by men, a woman and myself in addition to the physical assault by numerous women and emotional abuse by most of the new men and women that came into my life at that time. This is not easy to write, but we're exhausted living with so much suffering. We want a life worth living and only by speaking our truth will we be free of the demons that roam through my body like slithering snakes.
Tomorrow I'm going to call the Women's Sexual Assault Centre to start the process towards regular counselling to deal with the sexual abuse during 2002 as well as any residuals left unhealed from my childhood. It is not only I who needs to deal with the incidents of 2002, my alters also do. For one situation, there may have been upwards of 10 parts involved. Knowing this shows me that counseling is definitely needed to help all of us forgive ourselves for our behaviour. I also need to accept that during that year the goal was to prepare the body for death, so acting out, doing whatever we wanted regardless of the danger was a means to an end. I know there is a sliding scale for counselling, so we hope we will be accepted.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
McCain Deep and Delicious Dark Chocolate Cake. 510 grams for the entire cake which when cut equals 6 servings @ 280 calories, 10 grams of fat. This delectable cake was bought for my husband and I think he maybe had one or two pieces. Me, who isn't supposed to have chocolate has 2 large pieces at 5:30 a.m. then exactly twelve hours later I ate the last 2 pieces.
Now I suffer.
Gas pain is built up in my abdomen and upper back between my shoulder blades. Nauseated to the point I may take a gravol to prevent me from vomiting which is also something I'm to avoid. Six weeks after my hiatus hernia surgery and I find I'm craving the foods I should definitely not eat - peanut butter, chocolate, cake. And guess what, I'm giving in and eating it all. So, to remind me of the rules, my body is reacting with a stern "You know better."
I'm going to do the Leslie Sansone 1 mile walk after this post. Yeah, it's 10:44 p.m., but I want to go to bed knowing I actually exercised instead of just talking about doing it. As well, it might help relieve the gas.
Update...11:31 p.m. I just finished the Leslie Sansone 1 Mile Walk and I feel good, sweaty and hot. I'm so glad I did it. Now I get my froggy sticker on the calendar!
What I Did Well Today:
1) I blogged.
2) I did the Leslie Sansone 1 Mile Walk!!!
What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) Martina is in town and we'll be visiting with her tomorrow.
2) Paul, the doggies and myself may be going to Vancouver on July 21st to stay with Mal & Glen for a few days...got my fingers crossed
3) my mood is up a bit from being so down the last week
4) I've lost 23.4 lbs so far!!!
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
It's been a while since I last blogged. Blame it on avoidance, laziness, procrastination, fear, apathy or lethargy. Could be one, could be all. Yes, it is all. Blame. Such a strong word with a heavy weight attached to it. I know I blame myself for everything that goes wrong inwardly and outwardly. If Paul's not in a good mood, well, it must be something I did. Because we have this line of credit of debt, well, it must be entirely due to my spending alone. I'm fat and out of shape and that solely rests on my choices. The girls struggle with body image issues and yes, that is my fault as I was constantly on some kind of diet while they grew up. I attempted suicide numerous times, with the last almost being a success. This left the girls and my husband fearful causing them to pull away from me. Yeah, it hurts, but I'm to blame for causing this reaction.
Last night at the ACT group, I realized I've been blaming myself for my existence since before I was born. My mother tried stabbing her belly when pregnant with me because she felt I was evil. As an infant, she attempted to smother me because to her I was the bad seed. Any pain she suffered while I grew up was my fault. Because I was born, she could not stop herself from hurting my other siblings or herself. Even when I moved across the country, I was still to blame when she attempted suicide yet another time.
Yes, I can logically see that she had her own internal battles, but because of her inability to nurture and love me, I had the belief ingrained into my soul that I was to blame for every misfortune that she, my siblings, my husband and my daughters experienced.
I want to live in my left, logical brain. The side that says all my mother said and did to me is all bulls**t. Lies, lies, lies. She lives thousands of miles away and can no longer hurt me. She's in her sixties, while I'm 47. I'm a grown up, capable of making my own decisions and saying "F**k you" to her voice and messages that run rampant in my brain.
The truth though is that I dwell in my right, emotional brain. I can't exactly say I hate it, because it is this side that is my creativity, that allows me to express myself with words in a way that is expressive and understandable. I feel more alive here. Yeah, the pain sucks and the suffering is sometimes unbearable, but at least I can breathe here. Yes, it's here where all my other parts reside, where the scarred children hide in fear, while the rageful parts fantasize about slicing her into tiny bits. It is for these children I stay here, to give them a voice, to validate their existence, to remind them of how heroic and brave they were all those years ago. I need to heal the tiny baby who was rejected, unloved and made to believe she was evil and a bad seed. Yes, in this brain I have suicidal thoughts constantly, but I keep telling myself that's all they are, thoughts.
Since the day I sat on my parents' bed at the age of seven, staring into their mirror, fantasizing about another life when I should have been cleaning their room, I knew. I knew so deep in my soul that my parents were not normal. I knew I was different. I knew that some day I would understand why I was put into this life. And with that, I floated to the open bedroom window, and waved like a princess to my friends below, oblivious to the pain that cloaked my back. For inside me, never far from the surface is the warrior and hero who will fight this battle until it is won.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Today I read a dear SparkFriend's blog who was wrestling with the difficult decision to give her kitty back to its foster parents because its needs were great and it needed special care. It brought me back to my feelings for my own doggies and decided to copy part of my comment to her, here on my blog.
I know when my dogs don't lie around my body I feel like they are rejecting me, and no logic can convince me otherwise.
I didn't understand the bond between animals and humans until now, having four doggies of my own. They range in age 4-1/2 to 8 yrs. They are my babies and I ache when they are in pain, I cry when they cry during a nightmare, I laugh when they are so happy wiggling their tails ever so quick, I say "I love you too" when they lick my face or arm, I sing so they will howl along with me, all five of us in perfect harmony and I massage their knots and tight muscles. Some say I spoil them, and I say "You're damned straight I do!" I have gone into debt with my cocker spaniel as she suffered a cataract, and then unfortunately lost her eye, along with allergies and skin problems. She is my baby, and I'll do anything for her as well as my other three.
Getting attached quickly is exactly what I did with a teeny Maltese I had. She was hit by a car at four months of age, and I felt like my heart had been torn from my body. I collapsed in my husband’s arms when told the news and all night I was awake, sobbing to the point I felt as though I had been punched in my stomach. The next morning, eyes swollen and face red, my husband took me to get another puppy. We found a beautiful cocker spaniel that we brought home that afternoon. I felt torn between the intense sadness of losing Sadie and joy at having Lacey. To this day I believe Sadie led me to Lacey as she was from a poor breeder (we found this out later) and had so many health problems. We took care of all of them, paying costs we really couldn’t afford, but also couldn’t afford not to.
I have come to realize my need to caretake is very strong and after both of my daughters moved to a different city; I felt this deep ache that overtook my soul. I thought I was "okay" they moved away, but I wasn't. I missed them beyond belief and the tears I shed could easily keep my lawn green year round. After we had our four doggies, that pain dissipated because now I had living creatures that needed me 24/7. I still miss my daughters beyond belief, but I no longer feel devastation. I have been given a new lease on life with my four furry babies.
Lastly, if you want to know what unconditional love is, look into the eyes of your doggie, kitty or other little animal. They get just as excited to see you whether you have been gone for hours or minutes.
What I Did Well Today:
1) I listened to the 20 minute Lying Down Body Scan
2) I attended the ACT Program Skills Group tonight
3) I gave support to a dear SparkFriend
4) I looked at how I could improve my eating & water intake to aid in my weight loss and overall well-being
What I’m Grateful For:
1) being involved with the ACT Program – I’m learning so much
2) having two beautiful, caring, intelligent, creative daughters
3) having a husband who knows what a walking meditation is without even knowing it – allowing the dogs to walk and sniff and going at their pace, enjoying nature, the dogs and his time alone – I finally understood this tonight at group
4) having four adorable, affectionate doggies
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