2BASWAN   17,627
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2BASWAN's Recent Blog Entries

I Don't Like The Scales

Monday, June 22, 2009

I did what I should not have, stepped on the scales. The result was a 2 lb gain! What the f**k?! After having a cry and feeling sorry for myself, I tried to reflect on this past week to determine what I did differently. Here's what I came up with:

1) poor sleeping schedule - staying up all night, sleeping until 2 or 3 p.m., thus no proper eating schedule
2) eating while up in the middle of the night
3) not having a bm in 4 or 5 days
4) not drinking lots of water daily
5) dipping my toothpick into the peanut butter...not accurately tracking the amount

Tomorrow is my actual weigh in day so we'll see what it brings.

What I Did Well Today:
1) did this a day ago...moved all my books, baskets, magazine holders that surrounded my chair and side table to the exercise room...now it's clean and simple by my chair in the living room and if I want anything, I have to get up and go to the room to get it which will get me more active
2) gave support to my SparkFriends
3) finally answered my sister's email...thank goodness she is patient with me
4) cooked myself some eggs

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) this was yesterday...had a good phone call with my eldest daughter
2) even though it was cool outside, I was still able to sit out back at our patio table
3) Paul picking up a great movie for us to watch tonight - called Taken
4) the beautiful pictures my daughters posted on their Facebook page; they look so happy

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DONNAEDA 6/22/2009 1:22PM

    the fact that you are aware of the issues is a reason for my congratulations to you. May I suggest that just do one thing differently. Drink your 8 glasses of water daily and this will also have an effect on your bowels. Good luck

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I Am Such A B*tch

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Had a crappy night. The rain stopped and I decided to go for a short walk and invited my husband along. So he, our four doggies and I headed out. I was looking forward to chatting with him as we walked, but we barely talked and when we did it was me saying I may as well have walked alone and listened to my mp3 player. Not the smartest thing to do. When we got home I said I would walk alone tomorrow so I could listen to my book because when it is silent I just hear the voices of those who want to die and how they'll do it. Suicidal ideation is a regular part of my life, and if I can find a way to avoid it, I will, even if at times it makes me think only of myself and not Paul. He said we talked for more than half of the walk; I disagreed, then he got justifiably mad saying "Can't you just let me enjoy the fact that I enjoyed the walk?" Point taken. I backtracked and said "You're right, it was really good."

I feel mad and stupid for even saying anything especially since today he got the news his work was going to a 4 day week. There are three guys in his department and he agreed to take the Wednesday off so the other two could take the Friday and Monday. He's so generous. Me, I was selfishly thinking he had the most seniority and should get either the Monday or Friday off. See, that's where we're different - he's kind and caring, I'm a bitch and selfish. I asked him a few times how he was feeling about it and he said he was just grateful he still had a job. So like Paul to see the positive. That's a quality I wish I had. To put him at ease about our money, I calculated his new salary and determined we would be okay; we'd only be able to pay the minimum on our line of credit, but that's our only debt besides the mortgage, so that's not bad, just means it will take longer to pay it off.

I also feel angry because apparently years ago he told his brother and sister in law about my being a DID. I had no idea they knew. The reason he told me was because I mentioned that I felt I wanted to share this information with them. I feel mixed up because I know living with me is not easy and most men would have left me years ago, so if he needed to share this information and not tell me, I should understand. I guess now I'm wondering who else knows? He says no one and I have to accept that. Now I discovered this last night, so I should be over it and I'm not. Just another example of why I'm so abnormal and screwed up.

Right now I feel like a bag of crap. I hate how any damned emotion I get comes on so strong and stays so long. Like right now, the anger is churning in my chest and I feel like I could scream. Thank goodness Paul's in bed because talking is not something I could do right now. Sometimes it's so hard living with someone who is almost perfect. Anytime he gets angry it's only because I've opened my mouth. If I could just shut up, I would be making his life so much easier.

In no way am I feeling sorry for myself, I'm just so pissed at how I behave and upset my husband. He deserves to be happy all the time with a wife who cooks and cleans for him and has a beautiful body. I honestly don't know why he stays with me. If I were him I'd kick my ass out the door so damned quick.

What I Did Well Today:
not a damned thing

What I'm Grateful For:
1) having a husband who puts up with me because as he said "if we weren't together, you'd be living on the streets" See he knows how f**ked up I am and I need to keep remembering that no man would ever be this patient with me
2) that Paul came for a walk with me tonight after he'd already done his walk and after his horrible news at work
3) that Paul goes out in public with me when I'm this ugly, disgusting, obese class 2, bitchy person

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYINMYHEAD 6/20/2009 10:24PM

    Others have given you some great things to think about - so I won't repeat them... I will just say this - focus on someone other than yourself and watch your feelings of self loathing disappear.

You are an attractive woman, with a loving husband and you've been blessed to have two beautiful daughters!! yes, BLESSED, BLESSED, BLESSED!!

Battle on!

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BMORE73 6/20/2009 7:56PM

    OMG, what you did today was make the rest of us realize, that life isn't so bad.
Take a breather and then another one and let it all out. Scream, take a walk, listen to music, do whatever you need to do to stop mentally abusing yourself.
I hiked up a mountain and walked 5mi after that to clear my mind today. It was heavy even after prayer yesterday and letting go of the anger I was feeling.
I work a 4 day work week and chose to telework on Wednesday because it was in the middle of the week. Everything will be fine, you need to read Steve Harvey's book so you can understand that men don't think like women.

All this talk you are doing was me years ago and it is the worst form of robbery. You are robbing yourself of life and happiness. Stop tripping about your weight, stop tripping about what others think of you, stop tripping about unneccesary bull crap and stop tripping about what you should have done. For every minute you are unhappy that is a minute you are wasting on being happy. Your husband is with you because he loves you and cares for you. There are people out here who are worse off and will be upset that you are complaining about something that can be changed.

Live, Love and Laugh-in your case, start with self!


What did you do today? You woke up this morning

I need you to let GO and let GOD!
emoticon

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DONNAEDA 6/20/2009 3:53PM

    Sometimes we just feel crappy and so be it. You can and seem to have apologized to Paul for your behavior. May I suggest that you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a beautiful woman and you intend to be the woman God intended you to be, with or without their help. Let the good in you come out, you have wonderful traits you just can't see them right now. Be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up. We love you, Paul loves you and you are a worthwhile and caring person. We see it. I hope you do to

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KV711LAW 6/20/2009 12:04PM

    Hi Cathie!

You are justified in feeling however you feel. Accept yourself and know that you are exactly how God made you- and He does not make mistakes! You have a purpose, and perhaps that is to share your story so that others he feel the same way (many) will not feel so alone in the world.

You are "good people" and I do not like to see you beat yourself up. We are all different and that is a good thing. Sometimes us "different" people feel like we are wrong. Well, perhaps it is just the other way around!

I do know what you mean about "revelations." We want to think we have control over who gets to know what about ourselves. I, too, know that uneasy feeling when you know that others know about XYZ (fill in the blank) and how there opinion of you can be jaded by that knowledge. Remember, the good people will love you and the rest you just have to ignore. I know it is not easy, but you have a better understanding than most about human nature, born out of that "extra" thing that you get when you have to deal with all the things you have going on.

The voices in your head can be loud at times. It is a 'good thing' to try and drown them out. I love my mp3 and also a good movie.

Personally, I think You ROCK! It is A-Okay to have "those" days and I am sure you husband feels blessed to be loved by you!

We are blessed to have you here with Us sharing your journey!

emoticon, kelli



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SEGABEAR 6/20/2009 4:36AM

  HI THIS IS THE FIRST THING I HAVE WROTE SINCE I JOINED THIS WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT GROUP FOR DEPRESSED PEOPLE AND YOU NEED TO CUT YOURSELF A LITTLE SLACK I AM BIPOLAR AND I AM JUST NOW BEGINNING TO REALIZE NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY I AM NOT A BAD PERSON AND NEITHER OR YOU YOU DO YOUR BEST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL SO YOU ARE NOT A CRIMINAL AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED JUST AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE DOES, EVERYONE HAS THERE FAULTS THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOONE WHO IS PERFECT OR WHO MAKES ALL THE RIGHT DESICIONS AND I THINK THAT I SCREW UP ALL THE TIME BUT WHEN I WATCH THE NEWS OR READ THE PAPER I REALIZE I AM BIPOLAR BUT THESE FREAKING SICKOS OUT THERE KILLING CHILDREN AND HURTING THEM ARE WHAT SOCIETY CALLS NORMAL SO I GUESS I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY DISEASE AND DEAL WITH IT RATHER THAN BEING NORMAL AND HURTING OTHER PEOPLE YOU ARE NOT A BITCH YOU ARE JUST YOU AND YOU CANT CHANGE THAT SO QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP AND BE PROUD OF WHAT GOD MADE YOU TO BE, YOUR HUSBAND SAW SOMETHING HE LOVED OR HE WOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED YOU SO TRY TO ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE AND HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME DEAL WITH LIFE WITHOUT ANYONE TO LEAN ON AND BE THERE FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER

Comment edited on: 6/20/2009 4:43:40 AM

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TUNDERKIRCHER 6/20/2009 2:39AM

  Hey 2BASWAN, take it easy girl. Your a very lovely lady from the picture of you. I don't understand this DID stuff but if it;s a medical problem you have don't be ashamed or embarrassed. I have a feeling that I might understand what you are talking about. I personally have Borderline Personality Disorder and it is really hard to control the anger inside. Sometimes it just splashes out and look out world. The trouble is you always regret it and feel terrible after the crisis. I went to a mental health clinic and am right now in a DBT group. It is teaching me how to defuse the bomb when I have a crisis. I can see some good results. Like stepping back and looking at the scenario that is unfolding and actually analyzing your reaction. There are many different tools to use to help and it depends on how you react and what you feel comfortable with. Check into it on the computer it might be interesting and helpful. In the meantime take care and God Bless. Remember he loves you, sounds like Paul does too. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/20/2009 2:55:01 AM

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MONEYSTRETCHER 6/20/2009 2:35AM

    What you did good today:

!. You decided to work on letting your different parts communicate and you are trying to provide for their needs.

2. You did finally agree it was a good walk for your husband's sake.

3. You blogged here to vent your feelings.

You husband loves you. And he sees the good in you. You have survived a lot. You are a survivor. You are strong. You are beautiful. You give to him in more ways than you can know.

I am sorry it was a difficult day for you, and I am very proud of you for getting up everyday and trying. Keep up the hard work.

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ZAABABY 6/20/2009 2:26AM

    Hugs to you!

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The Spirit of Co-operation Has Begun

Friday, June 19, 2009

And so another day comes to a close. I slept late, yet accomplished a great deal in my waking hours. I spent an hour writing my 3 morning pages; it's my journaling to get all the clutter out of my mind, on to paper and free my thoughts for later writing.

Now that I'm accepting the dissociative identity disorder diagnosis (only took me 19 years), the journaling is going much better as there is better co-operation amongst all of us. Today I asked them to let me know what they need to help them feel better during rough emotional spells. Those that wanted to shared what helps them ie: crochet, cooking, looking at cooking books, reading the bible (I'm not religious, but if a part of me is, then I'll help by supplying the bible), sex and more sex! tee hee!

Seriously though, it was a great relief to see co-operation amongst everyone. Only a few wrote, and what was strange for me was that I saw my hand moving, but the handwriting and words were not mine. I realized this was a big shift for me and them. I also came to understand that without my acceptance of them, none of us would ever get well and live a life worth living. Today, a big step was taken and I can see that we're going in the right direction.

I'm not going to worry about finding a therapist right now because I know what needs to be worked on and that is getting everyone inside working together with me. We're going to try the journaling and setting up a basket of things that will help each one feel better. We'll give this a go for a bit, then make a decision about therapy. We feel good about this plan.

What I Did Well Today:
1) wrote my 3 morning pages
2) had protein with my oatmeal - it was so yucky, but I ate it anyway
3) I left the house with two of my dogs, Lacey & Bree and went for a 20 minute walk while Paul was out with our other two dogs
4) I brushed Bree's hair - something I've been neglecting - she had some mats, but I got them out and she licked me afterwards

What I'm Grateful For:
1) my caring daughters - on the phone today, Mal said she and Martina would like to help pay for my therapy - my reply, "that is so wonderful of you, but I just could not accept that.'
2) having a great call with my daughter Mallory
3) Paul being so happy for all of us for journaling and starting the process of teamwork

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOSINGLINNDY 6/20/2009 1:32AM

    emoticonon you acceptance and cooperative writing. You are making progress. emoticon

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ANSING 6/19/2009 3:39PM

    It sounds like you have found something that is going to work well for you. I am very happy about that.

Best of luck,
Annette

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DONNAEDA 6/19/2009 1:17PM

    It sounds like you are your own "United States of Tara" which was a series on HBO last season. She had multiple personalities that would come and go. It was a series which showed the interaction and life difficulties of her personalitiles and her, husband, children and therapist. You have our support here on WW Support team. Keep coming back and posting. It sounds like you have come to terms with your disorder and that is a good thing.

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MONEYSTRETCHER 6/19/2009 11:26AM

    This is so wonderful! Life is so much more peaceful when everyone inside gets along. It will take time for everyone to write and communicate. Some are going to wait and see what you do. But keep at it because every part of you is wonderful and worth the effort. This is so exciting! You are doing great!

Sheila

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Decisions Decisions

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I saw my psychiatrist today and Paul came along for support. As for my meds, she said that although my family doctor would like me off all of them to lose weight, I reach a threshold where further reduction is not possible without my getting worse. I'm to continue to work on taking only one ativan at bed, and only taking a second if the body scan meditation doesn't work.

My daily meds now are: 1,200 mg Gabapentin, 150 mg Effexor-XR, 300 mg Seroquel-SR, 1 mg Clonazepam, 0.5-1 mg Ativan, 120 mg Cymbalta. This cocktail as I call it, is keeping me balanced for now.

She also gave me three names of Registered Clinical Counsellors that may offer a sliding scale for therapy. Unfortunately in our province there is no therapy available for long term disorders. This worries me because I have no idea how Paul's job will go and I hate to use our money for therapy on myself; it feels selfish. Maybe if I sell my spin bike, recliner, laptop, books, anything else I own, then I could use that money. I make $957 a month on disability, but that goes towards the household bills along with Paul's salary. If I pay for therapy, I know I'll feel so indebted to Paul for paying for it and I don't know if I can handle that guilt.

I have this new Acceptance & Commitment Therapy that I started on Monday night and hopefully, the skills I learn there will teach me how to work through the dark nights of depression. I also have my journal which I've not been writing my three morning positions in. I'm also not doing anything that really grabs my interest and builds confidence like writing, crocheting, reading. I have to take responsibility for my mental illness and I've got to do whatever I can without having to spend money on therapy.

As for my eating, I bought some unflavoured whey protein so I can add it to my one cup meals as I'm only eating between 400-800 calories a day right now. That definitely will make me tired, unable to think clearly and cause my emotions to run wild. I must admit to feeling a slight panic at increasing my calorie intake because I don't want to stop the weight loss. I'll just have to make sure I march in place. I haven't been doing it, but now that I'm increasing calories, I have to or else I'll gain. I thought of going for part of the walk with Paul and the dogs, but my balance is so off and I'm tripping over nothing. I don't want to fall on my abdomen, so I'll do the marching in place in the house, and get back on my bosu ball to improve my balance so I'll have the confidence to walk outdoors.

I'm tired all the time, sleeping 10-14 hours per day, but my psychiatrist said not to worry about it because I'm still healing from the surgery and sleep is needed for that. Yeah, that may be so, but still, I just want to sleep. It's like the more I sleep, the less of real time I have to deal with. On the other hand, I'm getting the urge to start writing my book despite my terror. I know when I write, I feel calmer and actually enjoy what I'm doing. As Paul put it "yup, you'll get lots of rejection letters, and your book may suck, but at least you can be proud you wrote it; that's what it's all about, just writing it." This really made sense to me. It's strange how life works because after this, I had a phone call from a group called Writer's Way advising me of the monthly workshop on June 26th at the library. I wasn't able to go in May due to the surgery, but I can go in June. Then, in the middle of the night I was flipping through the channels and I came across the show "The Writing Life" and the writer was sharing her challenges and joys with writing and I thought I was listening to myself. There, that's three definite signs it is time to start my book.

What I Did Well Today:
1) I added whey protein to my apple sauce & banana to increase my calories
2) I was honest with my daughter Martina when she phoned and told her I couldn't talk tonight because I was emotionally wrecked from my session and tired from little sleep; we're going to talk on Friday

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) Paul took time from work to come with me to my psychiatrist's appointment
2) Paul constantly encouraging me to write because as he says "I know and everyone who reads your writing knows that you are a great writer and have a really good book in you, now you just need to do it and believe it yourself." Okay, I may not have it verbatim, but the meaning is there.
3) Hearing Martina's voice today. She sounded happy and that made me feel happy for her.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONEYSTRETCHER 6/18/2009 11:50PM

    I believe in you. Therapy is worth the money spent for both of you. You should discuss this with Paul. The improvement would be to both of your lives. We spent a lot of money on my therapy, but it was definately a worthwhile investment for both of us.

You are worth it.

It is too bad there is nothing there for long term illnesses. Very frustrating I know.

Your book sounds like a great idea. I am sure it is going to be great.

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DONNAEDA 6/18/2009 11:42PM

    Congratulations for being in a good place right now. If you can I also encourage you to get back to your book and begin writing. Take one day at a time and it will happen. Keep coming back here and letting us know your progress.

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LOSINGLINNDY 6/18/2009 1:54AM

    You do have much to be grateful for despite some negatives in your life. I like the idea of recording things you did well each day. That really makes you look at yourself in a positive light.

I add my vote to those who believe you write well. Go for that book! emoticon

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I Cooked & Ate Turkey....Unbelievable, But True!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Today was a good day. The sun was shining and while cool in the shade, with my shawl and blanket on my lap, I felt calm when sitting out back this afternoon. I actually read although the topic was on a new therapy I'm starting tomorrow night called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which I found difficult to really grasp. Thank goodness there is a Psychiatrist leading this skills group. I like the concept of the therapy that although I have depression and this causes me pain, I can reduce the suffering of it. I'm looking forward to learning more about this therapy.

I decided I needed to cook something with substance because eating just oatmeal, yogurt, cottage cheese, whey protein, berries and tuna wasn't cutting it. I was sick and tired of the same boring food of the last two weeks and the thoughts of eating it for another six weeks was not a pleasant thought. So, I made a casserole consisting of extra lean ground turkey, yams, drained and rinsed canned corn and peas, turkey gravy and stuffing on top. It was only 178 calories, 3 grams of fat, 3 grams of fibre and 11 grams of protein for a one cup serving. After pureeing, I had to add some water as it was too pasty and thick. It was so yummy and 4 hours later, I'm still full. Paul ate it and really liked it which made me happy.

What I Did Well Today:
1) I cooked dinner for Paul & I
2) I ate turkey - first time in months
3) I got dressed and put my hair back with purple clips to match my top
4) I sat outside with Paul and we had a really nice afternoon
5) I read what I had planned to from the ACT book

What I'm Grateful For:
1) having a wonderful day with Paul on Father's Day (okay, I thought it was Father's Day as did Paul, but I found out at 9:30 p.m. it was next week...guess Paul will get another special day next week!)
2) having a fun time at Ken & Ginny's last night and being able to celebrate Ginny's birthday with her
3) Mallory phoning me and letting me know Father's Day is next week not today...this aging thing, I tell ya, it's not so great on the memory!
4) having a yummy dinner instead of oatmeal or cottage cheese
5) my abdomen isn't as painful as it was last night...thank goodness for tylenol extra strength

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 6/17/2009 2:14PM

    How wonderful this day sounds! I think it's great that you both thought it was Father's Day. Who says you can't celebrate it twice? Did you get that recipe from SP? May I ask what ACT is? Thanks for sharing. This is great!


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MONEYSTRETCHER 6/16/2009 12:35AM

    I am so glad you are feeling better. Sounds like a wonderful dinner and an even better day. I hope the new therapy helps. I really find that positive thinking helps me a lot. It is nice to have a tool to fight depression, I feel more in control of my life, I hope you do too. Sheila

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ANSING 6/15/2009 5:02PM

    It sounds like you had a GREAT day! Dinner sounded absolutely yummy!!

I'm glad you are starting to feel better from your surgery.

emoticon
Annette

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