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What's In A Number?

Friday, June 12, 2009

222, 47, 65, 36.9. My weight, age, height and bmi. Numbers. What a hold they have on me. From my waking moment until I close my eyes at night, and yes, a lot of time in my dreams, numbers run around in my mind.

222 is my current weight and I want so desperately to be 219 just to get the hell out of the 220's. But more than that I want to see 199, 23 lbs less than I weigh now. It's only then that I will feel I'm getting a handle on this weight loss thing. Then it's 187. I was last that number in the summer of 2005. I recently saw a picture of me at that weight and thought that I looked not to bad, but in 2005, I thought I looked disgusting. Now, at 222, I don't "think" I'm disgusting looking, no, it's much more deep seeded than that; I KNOW I'm disgusting looking. Just tonight, I went with my husband to Mark's Work Warehouse to buy him a hoodie and jeans for Father's Day, but rather than enjoy being out and about for the first time in two weeks, I focused on the pretty sundresses in the store, letting my fingers trace the soft fabric while in my mind calling myself a disgusting fat pig. Sitting in the car, my eyes are drawn to my middle stomach, the "boobs do", you know, sticks out further than my boobs do - yeah, gotta get a laugh one way or the other.

Seriously though, it's overwhelming, so damned overwhelming to know I need to lose another 13 lbs just to be classed as obese class I which makes me want to vomit. It's that word "obese" that causes this reaction. Now, to make it to the overweight category, the magic number is 179, so that's 43 lbs lower than my current 222. Finally, to move into the perfect normal category, 73 lbs must disappear from my frame to make me 149 lbs.

So, now I have 222, 209, 179, and 149 fighting against each other, willing to battle to the bitter end so that only one will be triumphant. The sad part though is that the cheering section for 209, 179 and 149 are empty. 222's seats are filled, with extras filling the aisles. There are a few shadows lingering at the entrances of 209, 179 and 149, but hesitancy and terror prevent movement towards the seats.

Numbers, numbers, numbers. They rule my life. I hate it. I want to kill them. Slice the numbers into tiny bits then toss them into the air, letting the wind carry them far, far away. Each morning, when that first number pops into my mind, I say "no, not today," but I always lose the battle and before I've even climbed out of bed, I've heard all the numbers screamed in my ears and by the time I face the mirror, I'm greeted with a blob of disgusting, drooping, worthless numbers that is my body.

So, what's in a number? Too damned much I say! I'll continue to try to find ways to conquer my alter selves who are determined to destroy me, body and soul, and in the meantime, I'll try singing. I mean. how can those logical numbers break through a creative song?

What I Did Well Today:
1) I ate one cup of food at each meal
2) I offered support to some sparkfriends
3) I blogged even though part of me wanted to be in bed at 10 p.m.

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) I got through it
2) being able to have a nap anytime I want
3) my husband's ability to notice immediately when my mood shifts and ready and willing to help me through it
4) all the caring people I'm meeting on SparkPeople

My Motivating Songs (this is for you Karen)
1) Proud - Heather Small
2) Lift - Shannon Noll
3) Shine - Shannon Noll
4) I Need to Believe - Melissa Etheridge
5) The Climb - Miley Cyrus
6) Courage Is - The Strange Familiar

Eventually I plan to make a movie with motivating images to go along with these songs. Of course, each song will have it's own theme of images. Hmmm...something I should probably do soon as it would really help. Must add it to my "to do" list.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    It might be easier to make friends with the numbers and the voice in your head. Hard to imagine sometimes that you can. But you are a wonderful person. You help others, your are creative and artistic, your smart, and you are pretty.

The numbers are not you. They don't control you. You are gaining control of them. You can celebrate each changing number, something to look forward to. We are always changing. You are a beautiful work in progress.

Take care,

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CHARLIE215 6/13/2009 9:31PM

You're 222 lbs & you're not at all disgusting -I've seen your picture. You would never be so hard on somebody else, so why do it to yourself?

You're obsessing about the scale & really need to get away from weighing yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a failure if you don't reach a number you have limited control over? Much as I'm cynical about self help books/websites, I think you would find it helpful to find someway of improving your self esteem, even if you have to force yourself to say positive things 20x a day in front of a mirror.

I found myself getting too obsessed about the number too, taking shortcuts and not concentrating on changing my lifestyle. But this is what i have been doing for the past 3 years and it's not working. Yes, I lose the weight but I always put it back on. The only way that I think this is going to work over the long term is to acquire healthy eating habits and build exercise consistently. My goals are now to exercise 5x/week, eat 5 portions of F&V/day, drink 8+ glasses of water and complete the C25K program. These are all things I can control and are therefore doable. Don't get me wrong - I do fall off the wagon but I know what I have to do to get back on.

Good luck!

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ANSING 6/12/2009 10:24PM

    You missed a list. One you really need to make. A list of what is positive and good about yourself. Yes, it may not be easy. But it is so worth it. I can help you start.

1. You are very supportive to your friends and family.
2. You have beautiful skin.
3.??? (You're turn)

Whenever you feel down, look at your positive qualities, and dwell on them instead. Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones, even if you have to fake it until you make it!

And throw that darn scale away!

emoticon emoticon

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DONNAEDA 6/12/2009 6:37PM

    It saddens me that you are so caught up with numbers. They can't rule your life. You have embarked on a lifestyle change not a change in numbers. Focus on being gentle with yourself, give yourself positive reinforcement and stop calling yourself names. I suggest you look in the mirror and tell yourself many times a day that you deserve to be the woman God intended you to be. That should be your mantra.

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CAREWREN 6/12/2009 5:31PM

    emoticon emoticon for the songs! I appreciate your including them in your blog. I will list mine soon. Right now I can't think of much except getting through the afternoon and getting home. Thank goodness it is Friday.

The power of numbers. I love the picture of them that you've put here. I bet everyone is hung up on a number or two or three. Weight--what we've weighed, what we weigh, what we will weigh; money--what we've had, what we have, what we might have; BMI, etc.

2BASWAN, you are one already. The numbers--you will see the ones you want. I know it.

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TINA*23 6/12/2009 10:01AM

    You're not alone. I think we all obsess about the number on the scale. I weigh myself every morning, hoping and praying that the needle stays the same or goes down but does NOT go up. I've gotten worse about it lately which is NOT good. We just have to push through this. I have faith that by the end of the month you will be out of the 220s.

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Poem - Darkness Hovers

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Darkness surrounds the frame of my security,
Trying ever so slightly to squeeze through the cracks.
Daring me, taunting me,
Come near.
But I retreat.

This darkness is heavy and black
Ready to snuff out my next breath
Do I dare take a step?
Do I confront this evil head on?


I cower.
I cower in terror,
I cower in tears,
I cower to be invisible,
I cower to never be found.

Darkness hovers outside my home,
I shall not give in,
The doors remain closed,
The cracks impenetrable,
Tonight I am safe.

Image can be found at w-melon.deviantart.com/art/Are-you-a

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I love it! You are very good. I can relate to this poem. I use to feel this way a lot. Not so much now. Now there is a lot more light in my life. You can stand up to the darkness, you are strong enough. Thank you for sharing.

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THREEWHALES 6/11/2009 1:01PM

    Awesome. I am speechless...hauntingly beautiful:)

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ANSING 6/11/2009 12:04PM

    Beautiful, simply beautiful.


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DONNAEDA 6/11/2009 10:58AM

    how beautiful. Thank you so much for the beauty of darkness

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KNITTOBETHIN 6/11/2009 8:45AM

    What a start to my day. This was packed with emotion - I loved it.

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VERNESSER 6/11/2009 2:00AM

    WOW... thats powerful~

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When Will I Learn?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I have read it so many times..."one cup of food" each time you eat. I know this, I know this, I know this. Now do I do it? Nope! At dinner I pureed 1 cup strawberries, 1/2 cottage cheese & 1 scoop whey protein. I didn't measure out 1 cup of the mixture. I ate it all and probably in less than 20 minutes. Results...within an hour I felt this intense pressure between my shoulder blades, bloating in my abdomen, nausea and a blinding headache. I retreated to the darkness of my room and laid there, propped up for about an hour. Have I learned my lesson? Gosh darn it, I better have! I'm doing this daily which is outright silliness.

Someone wrote to tell me my surgery is called hiatal hernia not hiatus hernia as hiatus is a time out. I replied that it can be called both as my thoracic surgeon did. I feel so guilty for my reply because I think I wasn't witty. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Oh I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. but I should probably email her to clarify it.

Oops...forgot this until I was reminded by seeing a friend's list...thank you Karen!

What I Did Well Today:
1) realized I must only eat one cup of food at time, no ifs, ands, or buts!
2) wrote comments on blogs, pages and thoroughly loved giving support
3) wrote a poem; haven't done that in a long time - see blog post "Poem - Darkness Hovers"
4) I listened to all my motivational songs, sang along to a few as did my four doggies who howled beautifully!

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) had a really good call with my daughter Martina; just wish I could help her through a difficulty she's facing
2) having a hubby who understands when I stand up queasy that I need to go to bed right now and puts all my things away for me...what a sweetie!
3) reading through my saved comics to get a chuckle every day

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    All we can do is learn from our mistakes sometimes. I hate measuring. I recently bought new measuring cups though so we can. Old habits are hard to break, as long as you keep trying you will succeed.

I love your positive outlook though, this is a learning opportunity. It is nice to have such an understanding and supportive husband.


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CAREWREN 6/11/2009 6:17PM

    Oh, let's share motivational songs! Tell me if yours are in a particular genre--like Louise Hay or pop music because I have songs of every kind. By the way, the person who told you it was not a hiatus hernia because hiatus means a time out didn't really need to tell you that.

I'm glad I reminded you of what I forgot to do today myself!
What I Did Well Today:
Spent the right amount of time on SP to do what I wanted.
Finished what I had to do at the office.

What I'm Grateful for Today:
That there was not a lot of work to be done today.
The store I went to had what I needed--on sale!
The book I've been waiting for arrived.

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DONNAEDA 6/11/2009 11:00AM

    measure and weigh should be your mantra for the future. Just remember your uncomfortable feeling the next time and weigh and measure. Good luck

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RUNNINGOMA 6/11/2009 4:44AM

    Your postitive comments are really uplifting. Learning to focus on what we did right and for what we are thankful for is a wonderful exercise I think we can all use.
I'm praying for you.

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Day Was Good, Late Evening Is In The Pits

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I had a good day: woke up feeling actually rested, in the afternoon, sat out back and chatted on the phone to a friend, then surfed the internet while hubby watched the hockey game. Now, at 9:45 p.m., I'm on the verge of tears. Go figure.

I started feeling physically rotten while marching in place for 15 minutes. I was really nauseous afterwards. Maybe too much too soon. I just wanted to feel like I was doing something active. I don't regret what I did, but I probably need to slow down a bit tomorrow night.

I'm also fighting this headache that is literally causing my brain to swell putting pressure against my skull. Thank goodness it's time to take my tylenol.

I didn't actually eat until 4:30 p.m. today, so it's no wonder my mood has taken a nose dive. That is usually one of the ramifications of not taking care of myself. So, that being said, I'm signing off and going to bed because I'm wiped.

What I Did Well Today:
1) exercised for 15 minutes by marching in place
2) caught up on SparkPeople

What I'm Grateful For Today:
1) hearing from my girlfriend
2) Paul cooking up some scrambled eggs for me
3) being able to sit outside in the warmth of the sun this afternoon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 6/10/2009 7:38PM

    Today I have been on SP a lot and an amazing quantity of serendipitous happenings have occurred! Now, you tell me you were in the middle of doing something and got nauseous. That happened to me today, too.

If I don't start doing this thing you do that I really like, I am never going to do it so here goes even though I am late and need to dash but I keep putting this off:

What I did well today:
Offered comfort to a couple of friends
Was nice to a lady who needed help whom I don't know
Got caught up on my job despite being on SP so much today.

What I'm grateful for today:
Having the time to be on SP
Finding something on the internet that I've been looking for since last week

emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/10/2009 7:39:57 PM

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ANSING 6/10/2009 5:22PM

    Hope you're feeling better today.


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DONNAEDA 6/10/2009 3:34PM

    You learned a good lesson yesterday, when you skipped lunch until 4:30 p.m. You should make it a habit to eat three meals per day with two snacks one at about 3 and the other about 9 p.m. Your body is like a car, it needs fuel to operate. No wonder your body didn't like when you walked for 15 minutes with no fuel. I love that you also write the good things. Positive thinking is the key to successful weight-loss. Good luck to you

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GRANNYOF05 6/10/2009 9:48AM

    Hope you are feeling better.


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GINABRYAN 6/10/2009 8:16AM

    I totally relate! I do great all day but the nights are terrible when it comes to me and food. Go Pens (hope that's who you're rooting for. lol)

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Overwhelmed & Frustrated

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

It's been almost a week since I posted and I feel overwhelmed. So many wonderful people have left comments on my blog posts and sparkpage and I want to reply to each one, but I worry I won't get it all done or I'll miss someone. How do others manage to balance time spent on SparkPeople and other life activities? I feel inadequate compared to other SparkPeople members who seem to post a lot, complete challenges and support others. I want to be like this as well, but I can't seem to "get it together." I know comparing myself to others will do me no good, but I can't seem to stop this behaviour.

1 1/2 weeks after my hiatus hernia surgery and I must admit I feel like crap. It is so painful at the incision points and taking 3 tylenol extra strength every 4 hours is doing little to help. I hate to move because it feels like a knife piercing my abdomen. Even sitting, there is this constant ache. I know, I know, feeling sorry for myself. So, in keeping with my whining, I may as well complain about how tired I am. And finally, there's the eating. I made the mistake of eating too much at one time and I was almost paralyzed by the pain in my chest between my breasts. So, you'd think I'd learn from this, but no, I did it again today.

Depression is playing a role in this. My one word to define depression - worthless. So, as I believe this to be true, it is only natural that I would knowingly hurt myself with my eating. Stupid I know.

I'll continue this later because right now my head is exploding from the pressure of this damned headache.

Oh yeah, I lost 6.8 lbs this week...guess all that pureed food has one positive aspect.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GINABRYAN 6/11/2009 9:02AM

    Just because someone leaves a comment for you doesn't automatically mean you have to reply each and every time. Your status today is a perfect example to get the word out to a large group of people at once. Good job. In regards to challenges, many times they overlap one another --it might be something you incorporate into your workout, or it might be a 5 minute activity done throughout the day or while you are ironing, washing dishes, watching tv, etc. Don't beat yourself up over it. This is a fun website with no rules/requirements to what you "have" to do or how involved you have to be. As you become more familiar with the site, you'll find your groove. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HICALGAL 6/9/2009 10:47PM

    it's overwhelming for me too and i have more time than most people to spend on the computer so i can only imagine someone who has less time than i do, but i love it and indirectly it's helping me to stay on track too.

do what you can and leave it at that. a suggestion: post your comments in the huddle and in your status feed. it'll save you time going to individual pages for now. i'm sure your spark friends will understand.

hope you heal up quickly and feel better soon.

spark emoticon

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TIFFLE52 6/9/2009 8:59PM

    Each one of us has a different amount of time to spend on SparkPeople. I know that I have a lot of people I need to thank but I just don't have the time. I try to balance my time on SparkPeople with other aspects of my life and frequently cannot do everything that I want in the allocated time. Please remember that SparkPeople is a tool to help you become healthy and should not be a burden.

Also consider that you are recovering from major surgery and are not well yet. Take it easy and give your body time to heal. Talk with your doctor if your pain medication is not helping.

Last, but certainly not least, celebrate your weight loss.

As always, you are in my prayers.

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CAREWREN 6/9/2009 7:41PM

    You are doing so good. I feel for you in all that pain. I wish I could send you some of my tylenol/codeine 4 tablets. I know one is not supposed to do that but I can relate to the tylenol not doing much of anything.

I don't know how people manage. I spend way too much time on SP. My husband says I'm addicted to the internet and he said that BEFORE I was coming online to be on SP!

When you feel better, you can celebrate the pounds you lost. For now, I don't know what will work for you. For me, a cold wash cloth on my forehead, some sleep, maybe a magazine or something distracting, maybe yelling in a journal (yelling by writing)...maybe calling your doc and telling him that, at least for the short haul, you need something stronger.

I know I get way too intense about having to check in to SP and my teams and the people I know here. It is overwhelming but it is so good I can't stop it. I guess I can make anything an addiction!

Anyway, I'm feeling for you. Start a topic at the community boards or help somebody new at those boards or write to all your teams about how you need some cheering up...like I said, whatever you think might work for you. Get selfish. You need it right now.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DONNAEDA 6/9/2009 2:07PM

    congratulations on your fantastic weightloss. Be gentle with yourself. Do what you can do and don't stress out about it. If you have time, log in if not don't worry about it. No one is keeping track, there isn't a race to be won. Some of us are retired and have lots of time to log in. If you are working or have children at home or other responsibilities you can't be expected to be on the computor answering all the postings. Just keep recovering and feeling better each day. We are here for you when you are able to log on.

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ANSING 6/9/2009 11:14AM

    Cathie, sounds like perfectionism rearing it's ugly head? Something I also have problems with.

Some people do challenges, some make lots of posts. Some have a job, some are retired/not working and have lots more time. Some people just have more energy than others. Some people have no lives outside of Sparks. You don't know their circumstances, so there's no point in comparing yourself to them.

What you can do is make a list of your priorities. Start with what's most important TO YOU. This would be different for each of us. Work your way down the list, as your time and health permit. Remember, you are not well yet, and need to allow yourself lots of rest and time to heal.

What doesn't get done, doesn't get done. The world will not come to an end, I promise. If it's that important to you, put it towards the top of tomorrows list.
But nobody's perfect. And no one here is Superwoman, we can only do what we can do.

Now, as for that 6.8 pound loss,
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


Comment edited on: 6/9/2009 11:16:03 AM

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RUNNINGOMA 6/9/2009 9:54AM

    Each person has great value as we are made in the image of God, our creator. It doesn't help to beat yourself up - it isn't motivating you or helping you. Your glass is still half full. I mean - 6.8 pounds! That is astounding!
Not everyone has the time to post. We all have balancing acts we are doing and values in life that are important to us. If all of us did the same, were the same - life would be very uninteresting. We are each unique with our talents, gifts, etc.
Your body needs to physically heal - so don't be hard on it. Allow yourself time to heal. You will be stronger later to attempt other things.
emoticon Sending you some cheer and wishing you a speedy recovery.

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