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2BASWAN's Recent Blog Entries

Sun May 10th: Mother's Day

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) having support from Glen, Mal's boyfriend; he wants me to send my blog to him as well.
2) a great call from Martina in which she was happy
3) Lacey, my doggie, who carried my mother's day card in her mouth; so so cute
4) the beautiful card Paul gave me, but more importantly, the caring, loving message he wrote
5) receiving a pretty email card from my best friend Lynn in which she wrote words of love and compassion
6) Mal calling while I was biking and having a really good conversation with her

I did these things well...
1) I'm staying up even though everyone inside are still sleeping
2) I exercised, forced myself to because I promised Paul I would bike

Weight Watchers Summary:
27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal) 27 Points Eaten (1,350 cal) 0 Points Under (0 cal) 11 cups of water, 2 fruit, 0 veggies

Fitness:
3 Activity Points - 27 recumbent bike (305 cal burned) 988 Steps

Sleep: MY GOAL IS TO GO TO BED BY 12:00 A.M.
12:00 p.m. got up, 7 1/2 hrs sleep - 4:30 p.m. to 5:45 p.m. sleep (felt so much better afterwards) - 10:55 p.m. went to bed - 12:20 a.m. got up - 12:50 a.m. back to bed - 1:30 a.m. sleep

Write 3 Morning Pages? no
Watch a Success Story Video? yes
Listen to Motivating Song? no
Play Mind Habits Game? no

My goal this week is to go to bed by midnight every day. My confidence level in achieving this goal is about 6/10. The reason for this goal is to get on a regular sleeping schedule which will help my mood, eating and fitness schedule. In order to meet this goal, I will set an alarm for 11:45 p.m. on my watch to let me know it's time to get ready for bed.

Goal Results:
Sun: went to bed at 10:55 p.m., but then got up at 12:20 a.m. as starving (think from not eating anything after heavy exercising) & returned to bed at 12:50 a.m.
Mon:
Tue:
Wed:
Thu:
Fri:
Sat:

It's mother's day, a day in which I'm to accept all these well wishes. It does help remind me that people love and care for me. In my convoluted mind, the thoughts shout that I am alone, that no one loves us, that our life is just to exist, without love, joy and happiness. We're tired. We want to sleep.

At 4:15 p.m. I realized the others within me were not going to wake up, so I listened to them and went back to bed for an hour and a half. Now, I feel awake, totally awake. I need to listen to them so much more. I believe my sleep schedule will improve if I work with them, not against. I'm watching "Michael J. Fox Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" and it truly eye opening. I want to be like that, optimistic and hopeful while living with the disease of depression.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAYBIRDNFLIGHT 5/13/2009 4:59PM

    Stay encouraged...depression can be this black hole that's very cold and dark. I have been there and recognize the symptoms. Anxiety and the panic attacks - all of it! It's rough. You can overcome the demons' traps. Recognizing that they are traps before you walk in them is the challenge.

But honesty and giving yourself a break so you won't add that "one more thing" drama to your day is a step.

We're all here with you and whatever positive thought you have, focus on it and prolong it to sustain you through moment-by-moment!

Keep going and pushing! Congrats on your success already! Claim it and it can be yours!

jay

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-WISPY- 5/11/2009 6:57PM

    You are doing so well on your positive records. It is a great accomplishemnt to keep a page like this going in spite if how you feel.

Well done my friend.

Hugs Wispy. emoticon

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CAREWREN 5/11/2009 5:25PM

    What a great picture of you. It's new, yes? How do you find a success video to watch? Can one do a search at Youtube or are you talking about an SP video? I continue to like the format of your blog entries and I keep saying I'm going to use that format but, honest to Pete (whoever the heck he is), I have a hard time saying outright, "I did these things well..." Must work on that.

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Sat May 9/09: Losing Time & Not Knowing What's Going On

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) my daughter Mal who truly listens to me and is so willing to do anything to help me through this depressive episode
2) waking up to a beautiful, bright sun today

I did these things well...
1) I set a goal for the coming week
2) I called back and apologized to my daughter Mal after a very short conversion in which I was being distant and rude

My goal this week is to go to bed by midnight every night. My confidence level in achieving this goal is about a 6/10. The reason for this goal is to get on a regular sleeping schedule which will help my mood, eating and fitness schedule. In order to meet this goal, I will set an alarm for 11:45 p.m. on my watch to let me know it's time to get ready for bed. Results of my goal:
Sat May 9/09:


Weight Watchers Summary:
27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
28 Points Eaten (1,400 cal)
1 Points Over (50 cal)
6 cups of water, 3 fruit, 0 veggies

0 Activity Points - spin bike, recumbent bike ( cal burned) at
1,596 Steps

Sleep: 4:30 p.m. got up, 12 hrs sleep, 4:00 a.m. bed, approx 4:30 a.m. fell asleep

Watch a success story video: yes
Listen to Motivating Song: no

Mad I slept so late because I screwed up my meds. The morning meds which should have been taken before 9 a.m., were 7 1/2 hrs late. Not good. Not good at all.

I weighed myself and I was 225 lbs, so down another 3 lbs. Damn, should have gotten up early and gone to Weight Watchers for this weeks' weigh in. It would have been nice to have that weight loss recorded. Now I'm in a new week so this past week and current week's loss will be recorded as just one loss. Aagghh... I don't know why I bought the six month package when I keep missing meetings.


I'm crying at the drop of a thought right now. My eyes sting from the tears shed. I feel anger when I cry because I equate it with weakness and self pity. I don't feel this way when others cry, just me. The others within me are still sleeping as they have been since I got up. I hate when this happens as it's so difficult to do anything because my eyelids are heavy and barely open; my thought process is delayed and all I want to do is go back to bed. I'm going to listen to them and go to sleep. There's been so much turmoil happening in the last week so it's no wonder they are exhausted, and when they feel like this, I feel it doubly. So, to sleep we shall go. Alarm goes off in 4 minutes, so I better start getting ready.

I got through this day with tears, anger, frustration, fear, lethargy and apathy. I rarely moved from the recliner chair, didn't eat enough, actual physical activity was non-existent, but through it all I kept telling myself that "it's going to get better, just hang in there." As each second passes, I feel relief that is is over and I survived. I'll be damned if this depression takes over my soul. It may be doing a good job at breaking down my physical and mental being, but as long as there is a sliver of my soul apparent, I'll come out on the other side having beat down this disease for the time being.

Having this new pedometer and then uploading the data to my laptop is one hell of an eye opener. I was certain I went to bed at 12:50 a.m., yet when I hooked up my pedometer, I saw I was moving around until 4:00 a.m. I'm really losing time and this tool is providing accurate proof. So, what are they up to? The others within me I'm talking about. Guess I really should be writing my 3 morning pages because it is there that they write about how they are doing. Gotta find out what's going on!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 5/10/2009 10:06PM

    I am moved and impressed that you stuck it out and got through this episode. I have had panic attacks that made me feel like I was going crazy and I take depression meds. Anyway, I am so, so, so proud of you that you hung in there. You have a spine you are determined to keep your soul. Yes, you have proven you can come out the other side. You inspire me.

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/10/2009 11:00AM

    That's a good idea to set up a sleep schedule - sleep is so important. Once you get that down, I bet a lot of other benefits will follow.

Remember to breath and let the light in. With each deep breath in, feel the light filling your body and with every long breath out, feel the darkness dissipating because it is being pushed out by the light. In with the good light and out with the bad. It works when I'm feeling down or getting depressed. Deep breathing, it's good for the soul.

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Fri May 8/09: I Will Never Give Up Hope

Saturday, May 09, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) Paul, who once again knew what to say to help me when I was unable to help myself
2) my two adult daughters who remind me of the joy in life
3) my best friend Lynn who wrote me the most beautiful, supportive email
4) having another day
5) all my SparkPeople friends who have given me so much support

I did these things well...
1) I rode my spin bike for 12 minutes even though I didn't want to
2) I rode my recumbent bike for 8 minutes even though I didn't want to
3) I went to my physio appointment at 9:30 a.m. this morning despite it being the last thing I really wanted to do
4) I fought the demons and won today

Weight Watchers Summary:

27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
14 Points Eaten (700 cal)
13 Points Under (650 cal)
9 1/2 cups of water, 1 fruit, 0 veggies

4 Activity Points - 20 min spin bike, 8 min recumbent bike, 44 min physio & stretching (271 cardio calories burned)
1,001 Steps

Sleep: 8:00 a.m. got up, 6 1/2 hrs sleep, 1:30 p.m. sleep 3 hrs, 3:15 a.m. bed

3 Morning Pages Written: no
Play Mind Habits Game: no
Listen to Motivating Song: no

I got through this hell of a day and for that I am so grateful. At lunch Paul asked me to bike for 10 minutes knowing it would help the anxiety and depression, and my response was an apathetic "no, I don't have the energy." Then he asked me to bike for him. Looking into those loving eyes of his, I agreed. After all he has done for me, the least I do is bike for him. He said he wanted to try a different tactic in dealing with my depression by requesting I exercise daily for him. In my mind I was thinking "oh God, no" but logically, I thought it was a good idea. I don't do anything that will benefit me, but if it will benefit Paul, I'm definitely there.

So, at 11:40 p.m., I climbed on my spin bike and rode it for 12 minutes. I rode fast. I rode hard. My heart rate was at 78% of my maximum heart rate and I felt alive. I then sat in my recumbent bike and rode for 8 minutes at a moderate pace to lower my heart rate. Lastly, I spent 44 minutes doing the physio exercises and stretches my physiotherapist gave me. I was exhausted. I was so glad I did exercise, that I did do something for Paul, and ultimately for myself. The depths of my depression and anxiety did seem to improve a wee bit, and you know what? I'll take that wee bit and hold on tight.

I hate this depression and the hold it has had on me for eight years. I hate how it affects Paul, but he reminded me again today that if the tables were turned, I would not leave him, but be there 100% to support him. He is absolutely correct on that issue. He also reminded me that my depression was an illness and not something I should feel guilty about. This statement I have difficulty accepting.

I believe everything in life happens as it should, although at the time, we may not know why. I know there is a purpose to my having mental illnesses, and one day, I'll learn what it is and what I should do with that knowledge. In the meantime, I'll take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, because I will never, ever give up hope.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JURI62 5/10/2009 7:00AM

    Way to go, little accomplishments add up to big achievements.
Hope you're having a geat weekend. Hugs, Judy

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JAYBIRDNFLIGHT 5/9/2009 4:22PM

    A successful day documented! emoticon Feel proud and simmer in your own success.

jay

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/9/2009 10:36AM

    Kudos to you for getting that exercise in and for paying such close attention to the details of your day! You are doing great!
emoticon

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BRONXBABE 5/9/2009 7:26AM

    emoticon

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Thu May 6/09: No End In Sight

Friday, May 08, 2009

**Note: Please do not read if you want to be inspired or motivated. There is material that may be upsetting to some. **

I'm Grateful For.....
1) the brilliant sun shining this afternoon
2) having a phone call with my eldest daughter - felt like she really didn't want to talk, but it was good to hear what's happening in her life and she might be coming home next week for a couple of days

I did these things well...
1) nothing

Weight Watchers Summary:

27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
13 Points Eaten (650 cal)
14 Points Under (700 cal)
6 3/4 cups of water, fruit, veggies

0 Activity Points - spin bike, recumbent bike ( cal burned) at
978 Steps

Sleep: 3:30 p.m. got up, 6 1/2 hrs sleep, 12:20 a.m. bed, 1:30 sleep

3 Morning Pages Written: no
Play Mind Habits Game: no
Listen to Motivating Song: no

I can't believe I slept so late. I sort of remember Paul saying good-bye, but I thought it was morning, not lunch time. My sleeping schedule is messed up to say the least.

It's 8:30 p.m. now. Today is manageable with my emotions and for that I'm grateful. My eating isn't good, just some oatmeal & cottage cheese at 6:30 a.m. I stepped on the scale, saw a gain, and now the thought of food makes me ill. My stomach is in a bit of pain, but I take that as a reminder that I gained today and I don't deserve to eat.

10:00 p.m. Mood is low, really low, so low that the thoughts are there with the tightening of my stomach, the panic. Don't want to do anything. Gotta shut down the thoughts, but they are stronger than me now. I'm writing thinking maybe, just maybe, something will click for me and I'll snap out of this before it's too late.

Maybe it's time to call the crisis line. But what can they do? I think today's call with my daughter really confirmed for me that I'm not part of her life anymore. I keep hanging on for my daughters and husband, but now I feel that pull lessening. In my heart of hearts, what a weird statement that is. In my mind I know they will be better off without me.

Okay, the depression is talking loud right now and I have to fight it. I can't post this crap. SparkPeople is about being positive, empowering others, not this mess. I'm on so many medications and nothing is working. Stupid internet connection!!! I want to look up the need crisis line phone number and I can't get a search engine to load. I finally found the number. Can't decide if I should phone. What good will it do?

Anger is starting to build inside. Now, that's not a good sign. Anger fuels my desire to die. Anger gives me energy. Anger will kill me. A quick pull of the knife across my neck and I'll be dead in minutes. I can't do it here. I don't want Paul to see. I hate my life. I hate me. I hate life.

12:20 a.m. After reading some other blogs, I've calmed down, taking my bedtime meds and am going to bed now. Oh yeah, I emailed where I bought my spin bike so I can return it. I can't live with the guilt of spending $1,000 on something for myself. Plus it's really important to me that Paul is able to go back east this summer to visit his friends and this money will ensure that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAYBIRDNFLIGHT 5/9/2009 4:19PM

    "I did these things well...
1) nothing "

I would replace and say you raised beautiful daughters, maintained a marriage for 26 years, being HONEST, and inspiring by sharing your story.

I appreciate your blog. This hit home. I have many days like these. In fact, there are days where I teeter and totter through. So thank you for your honesty. Some days you don't feel motivated. Those are the days where we have to find something to smile about! Laughter helps me. I made it one of my goals to have a good laugh at least once a day. When I do, my facial muscles relax, I don't have a scowl, and I have less stress. I give that to you. Funny movies, friends that keep me laughing, and even myself.

Once you find what works comfortably for you, you will begin to adopt it as your lifestyle. Change is difficult and takes time. The biggest step is making the decision. False-starts, setbacks, and even not eating are all a part of the process. Then your story will be that much more rewarding.

Some people start programs, stick with them, and complete in one shot. With weight loss, it's always been difficult for me to follow through in one shot. There is always that feeling of giving up something. But I do notice that when it comes to other people, I will go the distance and encourage and be the best cheerleader. Then I become resentful if I don't get that in return.

Well, there is nothing to stop me from celebrating me. And I am learning to say "No" and put myself first. It's difficult, but I can't live without balance.

So kudos to you for sharing and documenting. It's important. Your story is a blessing to others.

jay

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PLAYFULLKITTY 5/9/2009 8:43AM

    I so remember days like this...yes...depression can be so hard to work through... add to that, guilt...and it feels impossible...but let me tell you...i have been there... felt as low...please don't put off calling the crisis hotline when these feelings hit... as for the rest...it will fall into place....my big thing is taking one step at a time... for the longest time, i did not take one day at a time....i took one minute at a time... and if i screwed up...well...there was that next minute... forgive yourself... and move forward...put goals in place...i for one, hate to exercise...but my goal is 35 minutes a day... i ride a stationary bike in the morning while i read a good book...then in the evening walk...yes, it was hard at first...but the benifits, not just physically, but mentally...are so worth it... next...drink your water.... 4 cups by middle of day, and 4 cups by end of day... then work on eating enough calories... if you do eat too much at one point, don't punish yourself by with holding food...just eat something healthier... fruits and veggies especially... and please...tell yourself several times a day that YOU CAN DO THIS. everytime you tell yourself you can't, yell yes i can...break your day into mini goals...if only for the first week is getting up, getting dressed and brushing your teeth...then add a nice hot shower and brushing your hair to the next week...put on a little mascara and lip gloss... even when you are not going anywhere... as for the daughter...i'm living that one big time right now also... and when i am feeling i'm not part of her life... i do something for her...a note...a card...a flower....just a call to say, hey, i'm busy right now and i know you don't have time to talk...but...i love you. don't wait for her to come to you...go to her.

hugs to you.

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LOSINGLINNDY 5/9/2009 1:21AM

    Remember what the SP articles tell us. You have to eat enough calories to lose weight. You will not see a loss eating only 650 calories a day. The NOT eating is causing the gain. Therefore, you not only deserve to eat, you need to eat to accomplish your goals.
And you really need to measure out 64 oz. of water and force yourself to drink it during the day--a little at a time.

The world would not be a better place without you in it. You fill an important space in the lives of those you know and love. I suggest you make that call and get the help you need. I am here to lend support when you need it.

Hugs and blessings,

Gaylinn

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BEEJAY49 5/8/2009 3:23AM

    Your feelings are normal! Don't be so hard on yourself. :) We've all been there and there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Depression can make you not want to get out of bed..been there, done that, don't want to go back. Focus on the things that make you happy. I know there are some! You DO deserve to eat. Go to your kitchen and get rid of all the junk! Re-do your fridge and load it with healthy foods, fresh fruits and veggies. Add in some turkey or chicken and never fry anything! Bake it instead.

Take a breather and go to a happy place. Try this..lay on the floor and kind of spread out. Close your eyes and let your body melt into the floor. Take deep breaths in and out your nose. Think of what you love the most, where you enjoy being and go there in your mind. I like going to beautiful flower fields with my hubby and my Sweet Benny and Benny hasn't even been with us for 3 years now. I put a blanket down and just lay on it with them and listen to the rush of a small river that is beside the flower field. It puts me in a wonderful state of mind. :)

You CAN get through this and you WILL. If you have time in the daylight..take a walk if the weather permits. Check out your neighbor's gardens and such. Discover things you've not noticed before. Have you actually looked at a tree? I mean REALLY looked at one? I know that sounds goofy, but study one sometime and you will feel some peace discovering what a tree is all about. You can do that with anything!

I know it seems like life sucks right now, but it does get better! You CAN do this!

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RENA1965 5/8/2009 1:56AM

    Hang in there and keep grinding at it, we all have down days.. Be good to yourself and treat yourself with non food stuff. Find your happy in hobbies and activities, I find having long term plans gives focus and something to work towards..
I have lost my weight, am fit and now want a dog in the future to keep me company while exericising outdoors.. I also surf charity shops for new sport clothing I collect and use with pride to show of my new figure.. I also have goals at the gym, my last one took a year to do chin ups and now I am going for the body building look which is well on the way... I made a sport out of mapping my measurements and this can brighten a boring day when down and can see no end in sight.. I also tried ball gowns on and cured my figure distortion issues.. Try to find what hits your pleasure buttons like a self therapy.. Life is totally what we make it, grab the wheel and make yourself okay again... My kids now watch me and mimic stuff they see me doing, so everything I have done to keep a even charma can't be totally wrong.. I no longer need a wagon load of efexor to find happy anymore and this is all that counts.. hugs Rena

Comment edited on: 5/8/2009 2:00:47 AM

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Wed May 6/09: Why Can't I Be Normal?

Thursday, May 07, 2009

I'm Grateful For.....
1) my best friend Lynn who is supporting me with getting healthy beyond anything I could have hoped for...she gives so much of herself without ever expecting anything in return...she is utterly amazing and I'm so lucky she will have me as her friend
2) Paul sending me a really supportive email regarding yesterday's blog
3) my daughter sending me a positive, upbeat email on my weight loss

I did these things well...
1) I did not binge on one single thing even though I really wanted to after hearing the news that my husband's work may be going to a 4 day week
2) I had a shower at 12:30 a.m.

Weight Watchers Summary
27 Points Allowed (1,350 cal)
20 Points Eaten (1,000 cal)
7 Points Under (350 cal)
0 Activity Points - spin bike, recumbent bike ( cal burned) at

794 Steps

5 1/2 cups of water, 1 fruit, 0 veggies

2:30 p.m. got up, 9 1/2 hrs sleep, 12:45 a.m. bed, 2:20 a.m. got up took dog outside, cleaned microwave, had some oatmeal, 9:00 a.m. bed

3 Morning Pages Written: no
Play Mind Habits Game: no
Listen to Motivating Song: no

Today sucked. I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist; not a good thing since I'm feeling depressed, but to be honest, I just didn't have the energy to have a shower, dress and drive to Victoria. I left a message for her at 5:00 a.m. feigning great illness - a lie. Afterwards, feeling like a bag of crap for lying, I took 2 ativan and went to bed. Next, around 2:30 p.m. I heard the dogs barking and I dragged myself out of bed. I managed to brush my teeth, took one look at myself in the mirror and knew I should shower before going to physiotherapy, but it was now 3:00 p.m., which meant I would have to leave in half an hour. I felt overwhelmed and the way I dealt with it was to once again lie. I phoned physio and said I had diarrhea. So, now I didn't have to shower and once more, I covered my body in shame, guilt and anger.

What's wrong with me?

I honestly cannot stand who I am, how I lie to avoid appointments, how I just want to sleep, how I rarely tidy the house, how I feel forever indebted to Paul for putting up with me. I'm so angry that he may be going to 4 days a week at work because it means he won't be going back to Ontario this summer for two weeks to visit his friends. I was so happy he could do this, to have fun, to laugh, to reminisce and get 14 days away from me. Now, he's stuck here. Oh I really hope this 4 day week doesn't happen, so he can go on his vacation. The only downfall of his absence is that the poor dogs will be stuck with me. Maybe I should send them to doggy daycare so they too can have some freedom from me.

My daughter just emailed me giving me tons of support for losing weight. I miss her so much, but I just can't call right now. I need to be "up" "happy" anything but what I am right now. She likes that I email her these blogs, but this one, I shall not. She'll only worry and she doesn't deserve that. She deserves a normal mother.

A normal mother. A normal wife. A normal friend. Why can't I be these things?

I may not have written my morning pages, but tonight at least, I let the writing in this journal come from my heart. I don't feel better, but maybe tomorrow I will. I'm going to try to go have a shower now, then go to bed. I can't sleep tomorrow away because I must groom Lacey as she sees the vet on Friday.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGIRLCALLEDLUKE 5/7/2009 10:51AM

    Sweetie, I think you are expecting too much from yourself. I have days that the best I can do is shower and brush my teeth, and I let everything else go. It may take me until 5 PM, when I know my honey will be home soon from work, to get them done, but I try to be proud that I did both.

Maybe you should track less items. Maybe the BEST you can do at this point is shower each day. That's ok!! Depression is overwhelming, and beating yourself up about something that isn't your fault will just make you feel worse.

Take care, and keep up the grateful lists --- sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going.


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Comment edited on: 5/7/2009 10:51:51 AM

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TIFFLE52 5/7/2009 9:15AM

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