Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'm feeling overwhelmed and so very exhausted.
I just started a guided autobiography writing workshop, a new depression support group, continuing with my physio and massage treatments for all my physical ailments, trying to keep up with the InsideOutWeightLoss podcasts, getting behind on a writing & mood research study I'm in, not eating much because I'm not hungry, a to-do list that grows with every thought that enters my mind and then being restricted with what I can do physically.
This week I'm allowed to ride my indoor recumbent bike 20 minutes at 65% of my max heart rate on one day, stretch the hamstrings, front of thigh and hip the next day, then on the third day I can do both if I have no hip pain. Finally, if day 3 goes okay, I can do both for the rest of the week. This goes against everything that is me. I'm the type that goes all out 400% and I know that's my problem.
I want this weight gone NOW!
I lost 3 lbs this week, yet all I can think of is the 58 lbs left to go. I'm scared that when I get near the first 20 lb loss mark again, I'll blow it, binge and gain it all back again.
Everything I do is in excess. I have 47 items on hold at the library. Now how on earth am I going to be able to read or listen to that many things?! I wanted to read about the law of attraction, so rather than get one book, see what I think, then maybe try others, noooooooooooooooooo, I go and put every law of attraction book that is available on hold. Like I'll even have the chance to read them. Then there's the Oprah & Eckhart Tolle New Earth webcasts. I've watched 2, but I went out and bought the book, downloaded every podcast, the small and large screen webcasts, ordered every Eckhart Tolle book, dvd and cd from the library, yet I haven't even started the book or gone back to the webcasts. Biggest Loser, ordered every dvd & book from the library. Then there's my digital cable recordings I've set up, you name it, I'm taping it. Too many hours of documentaries and not enough hours to watch them. So, my head is filled with so much information, but do I feel better?
No damned chance!
It's 2:24 a.m. and once again I'm up much too late. My head is going to explode with all these thoughts....bath Lacey, groom Lacey, bath Bree, groom Bree, smudge the house, do my writing assignment for the writing & mood research, do my writing for the guided autobiography, copy a program from my husband's computer, find more audio books that I might listen to, read the ten library books I have sitting beside my chair, crochet more of the blanket I'm making for Mal, clean the bathrooms, email my best friend, play my turn on all the scrabulous games I've got going, complete episode 1 homework of IOWL, sweep the floors, bike 20 minutes, stretch, find paint colour for computer room, read the novels I have on the go, finish reading the aromatherapy books my massage therapist gave me and then go my the ones that will calm me down, pay bills, update our money on the computer, change the printer ink......
I just want to cry, that or scream, not sure which would help!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
What a difficult few days I've had.
I'm not eating much, a bowl of bran buds with flaxseed and yogurt and berries and of course my 4 cups of coffee. Maybe 1 glass of water and absolutely no exercise.
It's been an up and down week.
Positive: I started a writing your life guided autobiography workshop which was wonderful, then I went to my first Circle Time group for women with mental health issues. It was here that I cried, laughed and felt safe and at home. I went to a wonderful store and bought a budda board, soul path cards, a fairy, an angel wishing star, a carnelian bracelet and a smudge stick. I'm going to clear myself and house of all negative energy. By this point I was on a super happy high and knew I'd come crashing down.
Not So Great: Up all night Thursday, then slept all day Friday, waking up with a wicked headache and really really bitchy. Saturday, my daughters arrived and visited for an hour then went into Victoria to visit friends. Paul and I had a long, intense, emotional conversation about how he's built a wall of protection to not get too close to me in case I end my life. This broke my heart to hear that he feels this way, then of course guilt slammed into my body reminding me that it is because of my depression and borderline personality disorder that creates this havoc and fear in his life. After numerous attempts, I finally convinced him to go to bed. I could feel my emotions rising and at any moment would be out of control.
Positive: I got through that tough spell without taking an ativan. I admit, I did go on the computer and delete Paul as a friend on my facebook, then made myself invisible on sparkpeople, then looked for a suicide group on facebook as all I wanted to do was die at that moment. I looked at all the photos of loved ones who had taken their lives and the impact left on those behind and it was a stark reminder that this is one action I will not do.
So, today is Mother's Day and I'm glad the last few days are over. Martina and Mal are going to be here shortly so I plan to have a good visit with them because I've not seen them since xmas and I don't know when I'll see them next. Things with Paul are good and what he wrote in my Mother's Day card was so beautiful. Yeah, we're going though a bit of a bump in our marriage right now, but as with other bumps, we'll climb over this one as well.
The puppies gave me a card with a doggy bone on the front. It was so cute.
Tomorrow I plan to complete the InsideOutWeightLoss episode #1 homework. That will be emotional, but it's something I need to do.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful ladies!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Went to Bed Last Night: 3:00 a.m.
Fell Asleep Last Night: 4:00 a.m. listening to IOWL podcast
Woke up: 1:00 p.m.
Hrs of Sleep: 9 hrs
Water: 5 glasses
Fitness: I didn't do any today.
Food: I sure didn't eat enough. I really need to get my ass off the computer and eat. A good point though is that I didn't pig out on the brownies sitting on the counter when I got angry.
1:00 p.m. - 2 coffee, light creamer, no sugar hazelnut syrup
4:00 p.m. - bran buds, milk, flax - had a bad headache and thought eating would help
5:30 p.m. - 2 coffee, light creamer, no sugar hazelnut syrup
9:00 p.m. - salad, tomato, tuna, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, olive oil, balsamic vinegar - headache still bad, but didn't feel hungry, but once I started eating, I did feel hunger
I was on computer all afternoon until 9 p.m., then back on at 10 p.m. until 1:37 a.m.
I got angry when Paul emailed wanting info on building insurance for his friend who lives next door - knew I'd have to sort through tons of paper to find it and I was in the middle of, gosh, I can't remember now. The plus was that I did finally sort through all that paper and now it's all filed!
I listened to IOWL episode 1, prologue and episode 18. There's so much information to absorb, so I know I'll be listening to it again.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Okay, can you say frustrated?!!!! I just finished a long blog post, only to have an error message pop up and say server cannot be found when I tried to submit it. I clicked ‘try again’ and nothing happened. Nothing I can do about it now, so I’m learning from this and typing my blog in Word, and then I’ll copy to the SparkPeople Blog.
I’m back at it yet again. No, that’s not good, it sounds judgemental.
I’m back at it. Yup, that’s better, factual with no judgments.
Since January 2008, I’ve been working at losing weight, losing some, gaining some, losing some more, gaining back a lot more. On and off the merry-go-round until I’m so dizzy I cannot stand. I sabotage myself when I see a goal close by. Am I afraid of success? Am I afraid of failure? Both I think.
I came across this really interesting podcast called InsideOutWeightLoss which focuses on “reprogramming your mind and your relationship with food, shifting your underlying belief systems. You will learn how to tame your inner rebel, align your goals with your values, and achieve lifetime weight mastery. End the diet, regain, diet cycle once and for all.” as quoted by Renee Stephens.
I really liked what I was hearing as the message was different than what I’ve heard before. In the first episode, she talked about having two motivators to achieve the change you want, an “away from” and “towards.” She said that the “away from” motivator is the one that fires you up and motivates you to change, while the “towards” motivator is the wish, dream you have for your future and this is the one that keeps you going in the long run.
So for me, an “away from” motivator would be that I don’t eat all day then will eat half a jar of peanut butter in the middle of the night, leaving me feeling intense guilt, shame and physical pain. It would be this “away from” motivator that would get me on my bike because I don’t want to have this behaviour followed by unpleasant symptoms. There is a worksheet titled “How do I know I want to change?” that I’m going to complete in another blog entry. The answers will form my “away from” motivators.
A “towards” motivator for me would be that I want to have toned arms, shoulder and upper back as I think that is the most beautiful part of a woman. I’ll learn more about this type of motivator in the next episode.
That’s it for tonight as it’s late and as Renee stated to a client, “You will NOT be able to lose weight if you do not have a more regular schedule.” This is my first priority, go to bed and rise at the same time every day.
As we say in TOPS, C-U-Lighter!
Here's the link to the InsideOutWeightLoss podcasts (well worth checking out)
If after listening to the podcasts, you want to follow this program, there is a newly formed SparkPeople private team called InsideOutWeightLoss. If you are interested in joining, please SparkMail me and I'll contact the wonderful, motivated woman who created the team.
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