1STATEOFDENIAL   131,036
SparkPoints
100,000-149,999 SparkPoints
 
 
1STATEOFDENIAL's Recent Blog Entries

Scrapes and puncture wounds with an allergic reaction

Monday, February 14, 2011

I tried to keep myself busy today so I wouldn't think too much. Sorta worked, sorta didn't.

Right now I am full of scrapes and a few puncture wounds - my cat needed a bath. He is not good at cleaning himself so every 1 to 1 1/2 years he gets a bath; when I can smell him from halfway across a room, it is time for a bath. This means I'm sitting in the bottom of the tub with him in my lap, me with nothing on (would be a pain to get the wet hair off even a swimsuit - and his nails would ruin clothing), and using the sprayer and cat/dog shampoo. Usually he fights some, but not as bad as most cats. When he starts freaking I just set the sprayer aside, cuddle him for a minute or two, and he calms back down. Today, that didn't happen. He just fought and fought. So I'm covered in 3x as many scratches as normal, and some are pretty deep. Since I'm a little allergic to him, the scratches immediately started swelling. A good shower, scrubbing my skin, putting on antibiotic ointment (he steps in his litter box remember), and taking an allergy pill it cleared up the swelling. But wow he dug deep this time! Still, it was worth it, as now he smells fresh and clean instead of stinky! Plus, he did try to apologize to me later.

I also FINALLY got down my xmas decorations (yes, I put it off this long). When I went to the grocery store I saw the white cheddar popcorn on sale - and made myself walk away. It might not have set off my GP, but I really need to stop risking it. Besides, a girl scout came to my door today and I got a box of my favs: Samoas. I don't need another treat on top of that. They didn't have the sliced cheese that works for me, so I have to go back again tomorrow or Tues to get it. At least I had a few slices left so I could make my sandwiches for the next 3 days.

Valentine's day tomorrow - not exciting for me. I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 years... plus it is the 16th anniversary of the first time my knee was messed up - playing basketball in 8th grade. Put me on crutches and a knee immobilizer for weeks, then 2 other knee braces for weeks. I had to give up basketball and track, but couldn't give up volleyball. So while it doesn't bother me that much (not like I cry about it on the anniversary), I do remember how disappointing it was.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOM2ACAT 2/14/2011 4:55PM

    I miss popcorn too! I met some friends for lunch today, and a couple of them were eating popcorn while waiting for the rest to arrive; it was so tempting to try some, but I resisted!

I remember helping my mom give their cat a bath when she was kitten, and had fleas; even with gloves on, it was not a pain free experience!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUNNYBUNNY112 2/14/2011 2:12PM

    Omg...we are sisters...Samaos by absolute favorite and then the Trefoils...I was a cadet for goodness sakes..MUST buy cookies...and I can only eat cheese from one place...I consider "cheese" slices as a liquid but only at this particular deli...other cheese makes me sick...but not this cheese...it slides down like butter :) anyway...sorry about the whole cat thing...I am allergic to cats (I had one for 22 years...then poof...eyes swell up like coconuts)
Anyway...I hope you do okay today...despite today's reflection of some disappointments :)


Report Inappropriate Comment


A hate on myself day (Could be a tough read)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

So the Wild were close to my prediction. The game ended 3-1 with Clutterbuck scoring first in the 1st (he's at 17 now!), then 2 more by the Wild in the 2nd followed by the single goal from the Blues. The fights were apparently pretty bad tonight (I thought it was going to end in a brawl last night - but it probably didn't due to the shoot out). Today was Hockey Day in MN, so this was a great way to wrap up festivities.

As for me, it was a hate on myself day. The more time I spend alone, the more time I have to consider everything that I hate about my life and myself. I can put on so many masks to make people see whatever I want, because I can't even stand myself. I know it stems from how I was raised and from years of damage by people around me, going all the way back to infancy. I won't go into all this because it is horrible crap, but when I was growing up I didn't get jack for support - including doctors who mistreated me, teachers who ignored my pleas for help, and if I ever received a compliment of any kind someone was going to take that and rip me apart with it. In middle school a girl said I had beautiful lips, when I said thank you she said "you thought I was serious? haha llama lips!" Though one of the worst parts is I never received emotional support from anyone. I never learned what emotions really are, what they're for, or how to deal with them. Trying to learn it in my late 20s is hell.

When I was growing up I had only 2 goals for my future: to be a wife and mother. Sure I threw out all the "I want to be an astronaut" and "I want to be a basketball player" things, but it wasn't real. Everything that has happened to destroy me and my life is also taking away those 2 goals. I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 years and haven't even had anything semi resembling a date in over 5 years. The chances of me getting the kind of guy I need (supportive, actually loves me for me, and helps me to be a good person) has dwindled to pretty much impossible. I've tried so hard to be okay with the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life, but it sucks. The chances of me having a child of my own is also quickly depleting due to age and my health issues. With my only 2 real goals in life all but gone, I can't help but wonder what the hell is the point? Everything I do is just to keep my life going in hopes that it will get better - like working when it doesn't really mean anything to me just so I can have $, going to college for a degree I don't care about to try to get a better job at some point in the distant future, having a house because it is good for me financially, etc. But if it isn't going to get better, then why do it?

It also bugs me when successful people talk about how it was the people who supported and believed in them who helped them get where they are. Makes me wonder if I had been supported, would I have been able to find worth in my life?

So yeah, I'll stop here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHOPPY20 2/17/2011 8:38AM

    I agree with both the other posts. I don't know you. I have only seen your conversations and posts here on Sparkpeople. I have no idea what your life is like outside of Spark. But it appears to me that you are a good person who seems to support what I can only assume are strangers on this site. And not everyone does that sort of thing. You are a giving person - I don't have to know you well to see that. You are bright and witty and fun to chat with. If I can see that and I don't know you, I am sure that others see that too.

I too recommend you speak to someone - counseling can be productive even if it is just one session. You are worth it! Or feel free to chat with others on the site or in your blogs like you are doing here. Having someone to 'listen' is important. If you need anything, feel free to contact me.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MANDI99P 2/13/2011 7:59PM

    It really made me sad to read this. You need to know what a wonderful person you are. You help so many people everyday with your encouraging words and support. There are days when I feel so down, and all it takes is a small comment from you and its a little better. Please don't give up. You can do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you, and you should too.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CATWOOMAN 2/13/2011 1:11AM

    Sounds like you need to talk to someone. Maybe you would feel better? Take baby steps and find one small thing you can celebrate. It's great that you are going for your bachelor's degree! You never know what doors could open with that. You never know who you might meet when you least expect it! Be strong and don't be so hard on yourself. You are worth it! One of the baby steps you can commend yourself for is writing that blog on Spark. Spark is a great tool and helps us all when we have good AND bad days.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Wild hockey takes my voice away

Friday, February 11, 2011

Not a lot to say about my day today. Except I'm not sure if my sore throat and gruff voice is due to so many sick people at work possibly getting sick or from yelling and cheering at the Wild game that just ended.

So what was I yelling/cheering at? They played the Blues tonight and it was on the local channel (the only chance I have to watch the games). Blues scored first early in the 1st, we followed right behind. They finished the 1st with their second goal. Early in the 2nd Clutterbuck (my fav) brings the Wild top scorer chase to a 3-way tie at 15 as he ties it at 2 a piece. In the 3rd it was goals galore as the Blues score in the first 19 seconds and the Wild follow 22 seconds seconds later to keep the tie going at 3-3. This goal was the 2nd for Clutterbuck tonight, putting him into sole goal leader at 16 on the season! WOOT! Just before mid-period those darn Blues get a bad bounce to make it 4-3. With a few minutes left I couldn't even watch because my boys were fighting like crazy but just couldn't get it. I figured it was over until... with 57 seconds left my boys tie it 4-4! OMG did I scream and start jumping! Every point counts in this conference as 3 points separate 3rd to 9th places. So 1 point means more than it would seem at this point of the season. The OT doesn't produce much except exhaustion so into the SO. What sucked about the SO is that the ice in front of the Blues goal had been crap all night. So the Wild shooters kept losing control of the puck in the huge gouges. 3 rounds doesn't end it so on they go. The 4th round both score. The next 4 rounds had no scores at all. Finally in the 9th round Madden changes his mind at the last second about his shot and buries it to put the Wild up! Woot! Theodore comes up with a HUGE save and ends it!
http://wild.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=552
416

It was an incredible game - full of huge hits (29 Wild, 26 Blues), great saves, too much scoring, Zanon showing why he is always covered in bruises (there is no puck that he won't step in front of - he's like an extra 1/2 goalie), Clutterbuck showing that he can hit AND score, and the refs let them play - a lot of straight up play without whistles. But wow the suspense was killer!

With all that going on, and the fact that I like to talk to the tv... or yell at the tv... or jump up and down while screaming... you can see why my throat is now sore. haha Luckily when the Blues come here tomorrow night it won't be on any channel I can watch. So I'll either be in front of the computer with in game commentary and/or listening in on the radio. But I really don't want another game like tonight. I say pull out 3-0 in the 1st and keep it a shut out. haha I can only hope.

I hope everyone had as good of a night as my Wild boys did!
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLY_RAE 2/12/2011 1:31AM

    Woot woot! Lol thats awesome! I know exactly how ya feel. There are time during the playoff where I totally freak out! Lets pray both of us get to experience that this season! Yay! lol

Report Inappropriate Comment


I iz telking zeh Engwish I zink

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Do you ever feel like you're unknowingly speaking ancient Greek? Sometimes when I talk to someone they seem to miss half of what I'm saying then get upset because they attempt to infer the last 5 sentences I said based on the 1 sentence they heard. For instance, today the whole temperature fluctuations thing at work finally pushed me beyond the limit. Twice today I nearly blacked out - once was when I was walking from the bathroom back to my desk. My coworkers kept telling me that nothing would be done so there's no point complaining. I started wondering if I was going to have to just quit because my health is more important that a job. My boss had disappeared so I went into her boss's office. I asked her if she could tell me who to talk to about the temperature issues. She asked why - so I tried to give her a quick explanation (I know she had seen and commented about me being so incredibly bundled up "why is she wearing her jacket at her desk?") and she snapped "what do you expect ME to do about it? I just wanted to know who to talk to, but since she completely missed half of what I had said, she must have thought I just wanted to complain. I know I wasn't operating on full brain power by then but I know I had started the conversation asking who to talk to. Well she finally called someone and I tried to say I just needed the freezing cold air to stop blowing on me because I was having serious health problems from it (I did NOT go into details).

So an hour later they come by and I again I say I just need it to stop blowing directly onto me. Instead I got a 10 minute lecture about the numerous problems of maintaining a constant temperature within the building, especially with such an open floorplan. I say 3 or 4 more times over the next half hour that it isn't the air temperature that is a problem, it is the air blowing directly on me. He just keeps countering with more and more lecturing about how I'm not the only person having the problem and that there is very little he can do... blah blah. The funny part of all this is that when he tilted the airflow vents in the ceiling to go out instead of down then took out the air intake right above my desk it was 80% better! I can handle a tiny draft now and again - I couldn't handle having to put on and take off a button up sweater, fleece blanket, and down jacket every 10-20 minutes. After all of that, 5-10 minutes of little airflow changes pretty much fixed the problem. I told the guy I wasn't trying to be a pain, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I also thanked him a couple times (and will probably do so again next week after I give it a few days to make sure it did work).

I guess the take away from this is that you can't always believe your coworkers. Sometimes you have to push a few buttons to get what you need. Though I still need to figure out what the heck is going wrong that when I talk so many people completely miss half of what I'm saying. I know I'm speaking English and I doubt I'm slurring. I sometimes talk fast, but if I slow too much then I just sound condescending.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANDI99P 2/11/2011 7:34PM

    I'm sure its not that they don't understand you, its probably that they just aren't listening. People are so wrapped up in themselves they are to busy thinking about what they are going to say and not hearing what you are saying. I have to deal with this all day at work. I know its frustrating. I hope that the changes he made help. Your well being is way more important.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SIMPLY_RAE 2/10/2011 11:13PM

    Oh goodness I felt the same way at my old job. It would feel like people were not listening to a word I was saying!!! They would only hear what they wanted to hear! But I hope the air situation did get taken care of and you dont have anymore problems with it! That can be a super bummer and like you said, your health is FAR more important!

Report Inappropriate Comment


I need ideas for what car to buy

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

My car is having even more problems now. I'm thinking at this rate I will be lucky to make it to April before I have to replace it. Which sucks horribly, since I really can't afford to replace it. But I can either flip out about how crappy the situation is, or I can accept that this is the way it is and unless PCH suddenly shows up at my door, I have to live with it. So while I (hopefully) have a few more weeks until the situation is dire, I have to figure out what kind of car I'm looking for. I really don't know. Apparently I should be able to get a small discount (maybe around $1,000) off brand new GM or Ford vehicles through my work, but I'm really not sure about buying brand new because of the price. I'd rather buy used, but who knows what the prior owner did to it.

Anyone have any ideas for what cars to look at? I can't go really expensive, only willing to get a car (no suvs, crossovers, vans, trucks, etc), nothing with an open back (like a station wagon) - I need an enclosed trunk, I will not drive something as small as a Geo Metro, but it can't be huge so I can get in and out of downtown city traffic...

I'm not worried about options like power doors, remote start, etc because if I buy a GM or Ford through my company then I choose all the options. If I'm buying used, I don't have much choice for options.

So post your opinion of a great car for me to check out, or one to completely avoid. Please explain WHY, but I don't need a huge rant or rave, of course.

  


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 Last Page