Tuesday, February 08, 2011
THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has been supporting me. It really means a lot - more than I can say because after so many 'friends' have thrown me away lately because of my 'sickness' I tend to just feel alone every time I hit another wall. To have such support from such great sparkfriends is incredible to me.
I saw my therapist today and she knows how weird my health has been. So I was telling her about this current predicament and how it is driving me up a wall that I can't figure it out. Every time something else goes wrong with me, I want to research, theorize, study, and figure it out. Even if I can't fix it, I at least want to have an idea about what is happening so I can try to make the best of it. With my gastroparesis I'm studying not only the whole digestive system and how it works, but what could possibly cause some cases and trying to figure out what could be causing it in me. I thought I was getting somewhere when I was able to start eating 2000 cals a day without problems. Then I get thrown another loop - one that I can't make heads or tails of no matter how many different ways I look at it or how many theories I consider. It also doesn't help that since I'm new to my job and can't take any leave yet, I can't go see my GI doctor until the end of March at the earliest. At the rate my situation is changing, who knows what will have corrected itself or suddenly popped up by then. So my therapist is telling me to just try to stop worrying and follow what my body is telling me (like eat more while it is allowing it!) and see where it takes me. I'm trying to do that, yet I've spent the last 6 months eating a gastroparesis diet so my brain is arguing with itself about what to do. I don't want to push things too hard and have another flare-up.
And if my body has decided to suddenly take on superhuman metabolism, I might just have to scream because I can't afford to feed that high of metabolism! grr I can barely afford what I've been eating.
A quick final note: the guy hasn't called for 2 days. Which is nice in the moment, but it is delaying the inevitable uncomfortable conversation that we are completely too different and it would be unhealthy for me to date him. But that hurdle will be jumped when it is placed directly in my path, because I have no reason to stress over it.
Monday, February 07, 2011
So I lied to myself. I didn't track a few things I ate the past few days. Very stupid for me, as I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to STOP losing weight. If I go over in calories, who cares? If I go over in fat and fiber and my gastroparesis doesn't flare, why not track it so I can try to figure out why?
I decided this morning I can't do that anymore. If I go over, then I go over. Right now, being perfect in my current goals is not going to help me figure out what is going wrong in my body. So I corrected the past 2 days and raised the max for my cal, carb, fat, protein, and even fiber goals. On Fri I hit 2565 cals and on Sat 2265 cals, but on Fri I wasn't burning much for calories and yesterday I barely got off the couch... but I lost 1 lb from Fri to Sat and 2 from Sat to Sun. I was at 125 lbs this morning and I feel like I'm failing - and flailing.
Yes, I know many people here are struggling to lose weight and probably hate me right now for writing this blog. I'm sorry if you're reading this and want to scream, but this is my struggle. After all I've been through last year, now I'm having to face the inability to keep weight on. If I lose 10 more I will be underweight. I seriously want to scream right now because I either can't get food into my body or I can get a ton in and it doesn't do any good. It makes no sense! It is not logical! I HATE THIS! I hate stuffing so much food into me and I still can't keep weight on. I strugged with eating disorders in HS and was REFUSED any treatment for it, I've been trying to retrain my brain to know that I need to be healthy not the thinnest person I know, and now my body will not allow me to be at a healthy weight. It feels like cruel torture.
Since August I've been hoping every day that things will turn around and I will be able to do what I need to do to be healthy. I can't get more than 2 or 3 days in which I can do even half of what I want to do. I want to start running, but I can't spend much time running or walking because it burns too many calories. I want to strengthen my abs, but I can't get enough food in me to even let me feel awake let alone build muscle.
I'm going to stop this blog here because I need to get to bed and because I'm crying now. Again, for everyone who reads this who is working to lose weight, I'M SORRY. Your journey is incredibly important and I admire all of the work that my sparkfriends have put into their weightloss. In no way is this blog meant to make you feel bad or say that my struggle is worse than yours, because it is not - it is just different. I just needed to put this up because I need to be accountable for lying to myself and because I needed to type out what has been running through my head and making me lash out at every little annoyance all day.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
So the guy is pretty much done. He keeps pushing that he's right about everything and that I have no idea what's going on. According to him: eating 1x/day is healthy, getting drunk all the time isn't a problem, nothing all THAT bad ever happens as long as you tell yourself that it wasn't bad, and that you can make people love you by telling them they hurt your feelings. Plus, I've been telling him what Supernatural is about and he believes that all those monster lores are completely real. Not only that, but that people have tried to curse him by sending ghosts, ghouls (which he didn't even know what they were!), and other creatures after him, but since he's so awesome they just don't mess with him. Also he INSISTS that people should be more afraid of those monsters than of other humans, because you can talk any human out of doing anything bad, but no monster will listen to you.
So yeah, I think I've hit my limit of wrong-ness. The simple fact that I've been studying healthy eating but he tells me that I couldn't possibly have any idea about what is healthy is the most *insert cussing here* thing. Oh and his constant giggling at EVERYTHING I say, especially when I'm being absolutely serious, is pissing me off to high heck. When something is not funny, don't giggle like a 5yo girl then tell me I'm completely wrong.
I'm once again debating the idea of signing up for online dating. I don't want to because I don't want to pay for it and I'm afraid of ending up with someone awful like the last time I did it 11 years ago. Yet I obviously have no luck in finding a guy any 'normal' way.
So yeah, sorry this somewhat venting, but I'm just pissed at the guy, grumpy in general, and pms-ing. I'm gunna go to bed and hope I can actually get some halfway decent sleep tonight.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Just a couple quick notes:
At work today I wore my jeggings and my new boots (I did last Fri also). Well there was some serious temperature issues going on today so I left my desk for awhile to do some stacks of shredding my boss wants me to do. So while I was standing there tossing in paper, I was talking to some people I haven't really met yet. One of the women made a comment about my jeggings saying they looked great and that I "really wear them!" haha I said the boots made the look and she said they were great too. A feel good moment for me there.
I did not eat well today. Yeah, I know better, but I just really wanted to splurge, and Fri nights are the night to do it. I did stay in my nutrition goals, though it wasn't the healthiest choices for me. So my stomach has been a little bit cramped all evening, but not as bad as it could be. So that's a good thing.
I dozed off on the couch while finishing watching the news, but woke up a few minutes later - good thing cuz Supernatural returned from hellatus tonight! Woot! I re-watched Appointment in Samarra before watching Like a Virgin just to remember where it left off. Just in case any of my fellow SPN fans haven't seen the episode and happen to read this I won't spoil, but I will say I think this was Sera making her intentions known for where the show will go for the rest of s6 and into s7 (since I'm assuming that will happen now).
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