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When Telling Someone They Look Great Becomes an Insult

Friday, January 18, 2013

Take just a moment to read this short blog/article. Really consider the implications of what the author says.

voices.yahoo.com/when-telling-someon
e-they-look-great-becomes-insult-11971
343.html?cat=70


I've been using the same imagery of linking the flu to what it feels like to have Gastroparesis, for nearly 2 years. It knocks people off their feet for a moment while the consider the implications. When you have the flu do you feel like doing normal activities? Do you want to take out the garbage, vacuum, cook or even smell food, go to work, play with your kids, or even stand upright? Usually that's a resounding NO. I've had a pretty bad case of Gastroparesis since July 2010, but I've had mild symptoms of it since I was an infant - over 31 YEARS of not being able to eat like everyone else around me. I was yelled at as a kid for not finishing food, for not eating fast enough, or because a single taste of some foods made me sick to my stomach. It has gotten worse over time, but the last few years the condition has become downright dangerous. Even so, I am still berated and harassed by a few people because I don't eat like others. Some people refuse to believe there is anything wrong with me because I 'look fit and healthy'... because having 11 medical conditions that are invisible illnesses isn't enough to make them see and believe how impossible it is for me to even stand some days. Yet many times I have gone out of my way and even risked my safety for someone else.

The words you choose to say might have one meaning in your mind, but mean something entirely different to someone else. Be careful of what you choose to say, and if you don't know what to say then be willing to admit it. It is better to admit ignorance than to pretend to understand. I am so sick of people saying I look perfectly healthy when every part of my body is screaming in pain, I can barely eat, and I know that most of my conditions are incurable, untreatable, or have failed to respond to treatments. I am not healthy and if they really looked in my eyes for a moment they might realize how much those words just hurt me, but instead I feign positivity and acceptance of their ignorance because I don't want them to feel hurt. I deal with hurt every day of my life, so I can take a little more, right?

Take note of what people say to you when you feel sick, depressed, hurt, or let down. What makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse? What do you want to say in response when you appreciate or hate what they said? If you have a friend with a medical condition, take a moment to really think before you speak. Sometimes just giving someone a hug and saying you're there for whatever they need means more than any other pseudo-supportive comment you can come up with. And please do not try to commiserate with them, because support doesn't mean one-upping someone, it means allowing them a chance to explain their pain. If they need to talk about what's bothering them, don't say how you've felt the same before because (this) happened to you. If they understand the same, when you need the support they'll sit back and listen to you.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSCUS 1/21/2013 4:02PM

    Some people will never "get it". Many of my patients when I worked as RN did not look sick. But they were REALLY sick. It used to irk me when a family member said that "they look good today, they must be getting better". It's really hard sometimes to not say anything to them.
I keep you in my prayers.
Phyllis


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MANDIETERRIER1 1/18/2013 4:02PM

    I can totally relate. I used to have a Choledochal Cyst. It is a cyst that is growing on your gal bladder and common bile duct. So mine was so large that it encompassed the common bile duct. Making an organ that is supposed to be pencil sized, hot dog bun sized. And many times it would leave me with flu like symptoms.
So anyways this woman at church said I just needed to eat healthier. Mind you this woman fed her infant and young children, hot dogs, McDonald's french fries and soda. Among other things.
I also heard that I didn't look sick. I knew the fear of having an attack strike out of no where.
I hope that they find a cure for this disease. Mine was removed with surgery

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MOM2ACAT 1/18/2013 3:40PM

    I can totally relate to that, especially with living with cancer. I have not lost my hair with this chemo, but it makes me awfully tired because of the low blood counts, and you know about my pain issues also; in some ways, my cancer is like an "invisible" illness.

Sometimes when we hear, "but you don't look sick", or "you look so good", sometimes it feels like it implies (it does to me anyway) that I should be working instead of being on disability. People don't realize sometimes what it takes when I am having a bad day just to make myself presentable to leave the house, or that I only look wide awake because I have concealer hiding the dark circles under my eyes.

Also, when I hear comments like that, it kind of feels like they are not taking my illness seriously. It's not that I am looking for sympathy, but I feel like they forget I am living with a condition for which there is no cure.

Comment edited on: 1/18/2013 3:43:55 PM

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SHERRYGAYL 1/18/2013 9:23AM

    I know a little about intended compliments that are insulting and some about invisible conditions but nothing I've experienced prepares me to come close to understanding what you go through. But you're a wonderful person and a great friend and I'm so happy SP allowed us to connect! Anytime you need to vent you can send a letter to my inbox. I may be slow about responding but I always read and appreciate what you have to say. emoticon

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Anorexic models banned overseas in 2013

Thursday, January 03, 2013

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-225
6025/Underweight-models-BANNED-Israel-
fight-anorexia-New-law-forces-women-ad
s-stay-healthy-faked-images-identified-too.html


I think this is incredible and awesome. As someone with a partially paralyzed digestive system, I spent part of 2012 underweight due to an inability to digest food and was put on IV nutrition to be able to gain back some of the weight I lost. When I was underweight I felt absolutely horrible; while most of it was from my other medical conditions, I had no energy from lack of food and the shape of my body was not much fun to look at.

There is more to beauty than being skinny from malnutrition. Being healthy is beautiful. Living a healthy life is far more important than being able to count bones through skin. Children and young adults should not be comparing themselves to an unrealistic standard to determine their worth.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSCUS 1/4/2013 5:29PM

    Happy New Year Scheri, good article, enjoyed your blog. Healthy is better. Too skinny and they look sickly! A ban is good.

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IUHRYTR 1/3/2013 11:29PM

    So true. I don't enjoy looking at skeleton models and feel sad for them that the industry pushes them into an unrealistic view of beauty. -- Lou

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RISINGBLUESTAR 1/3/2013 2:27PM

    emoticon

I hope the models who are ill or anyone who is battling anorexia or something similar can seek the help that they need.

I think healthy looks amazing.

It doesn't sit well with me when I see people saying they don't want to be skinny, just normal sized or healthy. Normal sized or healthy is fit/thin just not sickly so!

I don't like being on the heavy side of things but I sure wouldn't want to be on the anorexic side either. Neither is a picnic!

Thanks for sharing!



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In 2013 no more...

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Right now there's a trending topic on twitter: #In2013NoMore
Some of the responses are jokes (#In2013NoMore 2012). Others are totally not unique or thoughtful (#In2013NoMore BS/laziness/excuses/dealing with XXX/end of the world predictions). Most of these are really stupid and have no meaning beyond reading the last word. Still, it got me thinking. What do I want to put a stop to in 2013 that I can make happen?

#In2013NoMore letting others' negativity, hate, and insecurities dictate my goals and dreams. To never try is to guarantee failure.

That's what I wrote. But that's only a small part to what I want to be different next year. I don't want others' problems to determine how I feel about myself. I'm so done with people telling me what I can and can't do because of the fake rules they've created about what are the acceptable and unacceptable ways for a person to behave. So what if I enjoy a tv show someone else thinks is stupid or if I abhor what they choose to watch? If I know I'm unable to do something because of my disability no one has the right to tell me to 'suck it up' and 'you're not allowed to complain.' I choose to stand up for my rights to be treated with respect.

I also am making the choice that while I am a giving person who enjoys helping others when and how I can, I will stop selling my own fragile self-esteem to anyone who chooses to complain about everything while never doing anything to change what they don't like. Every person chooses how they act or react to the events in their lives; allowing others to dictate our emotions and our actions is selling ourselves to the loudest bidder. I will always emotionally support those who strive to emotionally support themselves. It's my choice that in 2013 I will let go of those who are using emotional blackmail to force me to give them the negative attention they desperately crave. I will fight the urge to feel that I am a bad person if I can't help someone to change their lives when they are so entrenched in their unhappiness that they refuse to move beyond it. I can't help someone who refuses to help him/herself.

I noticed recently that there are some people in my life who do everything they can to suck every bit of happiness from my life (several of them are family members). As I reflected on it more, I realized they are unable to feel joy because they only feel alive when they are miserable. By emotionally destroying me and pulling me back to their level, they feel content because there is no reason for them to move beyond their misery. Because my deep empathy causes me to take others' emotions into myself, then try to haul them out of the misery with me, I'm drowning. So I believe the next stage in my recovery from my life-long battle with depression is to stop trying to make others follow me out of the misery. It is not my fault they are there and it is not my job to make their problems my own in order to fix them. I am but a single person, thus I have but a single person to fix. I must be okay with that. I will still help and support others, but when I am expected to feel guilt over someone else's choices it will be the sign that it is time for me to move on.

Here's to 2013 and a better me.

Sparkfriends, finish the phrase for yourself: In 2013 no more...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 1/2/2013 7:25PM

    This is so true. We have to stop selling our emotions and allowing others to dictate how we feel! Feeling confident and happy aren't always easy when you battle depression but letting go of things that are out of control is definitely a start.

In 2013, no more doubting myself!!

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SHERRYGAYL 12/27/2012 11:38PM

    It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself and what you need and that you are ready to start standing up for yourself! Good for you! Your SparkFriends will be here to remind you how amazing you are when you start to forget again emoticon emoticon

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IUHRYTR 12/27/2012 11:24PM

    Interesting ideas to ponder. -- Lou

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MOM2ACAT 12/27/2012 3:48PM

    You have given me a lot to think about, great blog!

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MRE1956 12/27/2012 6:58AM

    Here's a good one....

In 2013 no more $#Q#@! UNEMPLOYMENT!

Grrrrrrr!
<
BR> emoticon

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It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Friday, December 21, 2012

I know it's been thrown around that today, 12/21/12 is the end of the world. It's doubtful. At most, I believe it's the start of an incredible change. What the change is, how it starts, and the exact moment it starts probably won't be known until the change has affected us and we look back to find where it started. But that doesn't mean you can't make today the day that you decide to change your life and the lives of those around you. Think about this:

What do you wish for? What changes can you make and what plans can you put into action to make those wishes come true?

What do you need? What can you do to meet your needs (not your wants)? If there is a significant barrier, who can you ask for help?

Who around you needs your help to get what they need? There are people everywhere in this world who need help. Have you opened your eyes and really looked around you to find someone that can be helped with a small - or large - gesture of goodwill?

How can you make the world a healthier and happier place? Even a small act can make a difference. Can you spare a moment, a dollar, or a word to support positive changes?

Is there a reason you haven't done something you want to or need to do? Examine the reason(s) and debunk them. Is there really any reason big enough to completely derail a hope for the future?

By searching within yourself you will find answers for so many of the questions you have. You are the #1 person affecting your life and the #1 person who can change EVERYTHING for you. You are the only person who chooses how you feel, how you act/react to outside forces, and whether you are making a positive or negative impact on those around you. No one can do this for you and no one can force you to be someone you're not. It is completely up to you to decide how you will project yourself to the world.

If you knew for certain fact that the world was ending today or that you alone would die today, what would you do differently? Would you treat others better or worse? Would you give up or would you try to fight it in any way possible? Would you beg forgiveness from everyone you've ever hurt or would you tell off every person who has ever hurt you? How people act in times of crisis often shows who they really are as a person. What if you made your choices about how to spend the last day on earth, but then the sun came up on a new day and you had to explain why you did what you did? Would others understand and respect your choices or would they feel betrayed and hurt? How would you react if your choices caused you to get every hope, wish, and dream you've ever had, or if your choices destroyed everything good you've ever had?

No one ever knows for certain how much time they have left before tragedy strikes. Any bad event can happen unexpectedly and no one knows what day is their last day to prove to the world who they are. We must make every day be a reflection of the person we want to be, because last words and last moments can last forever in those around us.

Make today a day of great change for you. Choose what kind of person you want to be and work to be that kind of person. I guarantee people will take note and choose for themselves if you will be a help or a hinderance to them being the person they want to be.

Forgive yesterday, hope for tomorrow, do better today - because every day is a chance to do a little better.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CTUPTON 1/2/2013 10:02PM

    emoticon chris

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RISINGBLUESTAR 12/26/2012 6:44AM

    That is a lot to think about. Questions I think we want to answer but always put off because they aren't as simple as we'd like them to be. Still, good things to think about.

:)

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IUHRYTR 12/22/2012 7:43PM

    A wise message. -- Lou

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SHERRYGAYL 12/21/2012 3:55PM

    Very beautifully written! Well done! I, too, hope for an era of peace, love, acceptance, etc., to come over our entire world. I kind of suspect that is why there's been so much hatred the last few years. People are recognizing the bigotry and bullying and other malicious behaviors are being rooted out and killed like a cancer so the people who live by these behaviors are having to fight harder to hang on. The treatment may be painful but when it's done and all we are left with is a peaceful, loving, healing world it'll be worth it!

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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 12/21/2012 12:15PM

    Actually, how a person acts in a crisis has a lot to do with how they were treated as a child. If you had a good childhood you are much more apt to react better - handle things better, than if you grew up horribly abused and barely surviving your childhood. Or perhaps they have gone through some horrific experience as adults that you or I might not be doing as well after if we went through it.

So, when we make a judgement on a how a person handles something, keep in mind you don't have a clue of what that person has experienced as a child, or what they are going through in the current day. Maybe it's something you wouldn't be handling even as well as they, even if you don't think they are handling something well...

Sometimes tortured souls are that way because they have been tortured by life or war, and are really tough, brave people if you suspend judgement and look below the surface.

Comment edited on: 12/21/2012 12:17:05 PM

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CRAZY_KAT_1984 12/21/2012 7:23AM

    What an inspirational blog! emoticon Lots of food for thought & it really struck a chord with me.

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SHANNISHELL 12/21/2012 7:06AM

    I wouldn't change a thing. I would make sure to tell everyone how much I loved and cared for them though. Sometimes we tend to take people's presence in our lives for granted until it is too late.

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MinneSNOWta - I can't handle cold and can't be in the snow.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I used to love living in MN and didn't totally hate the snow. I've disliked it more and more as I've gotten sicker and less mobile. I already have a hard time walking and am a fall risk, so adding in snow and ice makes it really bad for me. I walk with a walker, but it's still not safe. Plus the cold makes the metal of the old walker (it's a hand-me-down from my grandma) hurt my hands, even through gloves (thanks chilblains!).

Well, today was the first big snow event in the Twin Cities metro. The official amount at the airport was a little over 10", but I think my area was pushing 11" at least. When I woke up at 3 pm (I didn't fall asleep until 7 am) the snow was so deep on my satellite dish and in the air that I couldn't get a signal. I opened up my patio door to my deck and spent about 15 minutes throwing snowballs at the dish to clean it off. I couldn't get outside my house safely and there's definitely no way I could get a broom or something to the dish to clean it off without seriously hurting myself. Just throwing snowballs was bad enough on me! I totally throw like a girl, so it took a few dozen snowballs to clean it off somewhat. Then it took another hour or two (I was watching something from the DVR so I don't know for sure) for the storm to clear enough to get signal. Well, my shoulder is hurting from throwing (thanks Ehlers Danlos) and my thighs are burning because I was basically doing squats to keep picking up more snow. I've had problems walking all day from it.

A little after that a guy came to shovel my walkway, which is the only way in and out of my house (without jumping off the deck that is). I poked my head out to ask him to make sure he clears enough space for my walker, and we talked for a few minutes. Whenever someone is working on my house I offer for them to let me know if they need anything, like water. He asked to use my bathroom, and I sent him downstairs so he didn't have to take off his boots (I don't go downstairs often, so it would have time to dry). I let him get back to his work then, being sure to thank him for taking the time to clean off my sidewalk well for me.

It sucks to be 31 and so sick I'm disabled. I'm so afraid to leave my house not only because of snow and ice, but because of the cold. I'm trying to enjoy the fact that I don't have to go to work every day in the snow, but I still have doctor appointments and errands I need to run. Oh how I wish I wasn't like this, or at least had someont to help take care of me!

Also, because of the cold (my thermosat is at 60* and I usually have about 8 layers on between clothes and blankets, because I have no money left, so I keep the heat down and use as little light as possible) and extreme stress, my stomach isn't working well again. I'm back to more liquids and less solid food because my abdomen is cramping and so painful when I eat solids. I'm drinking hot chocolate, gatorade (room temp), and ensure (room temp) to get calories, but it's not enough. I've gotta start figuring out how to get food into me again. If I lose more than 15 lbs then the doctors will put me on a feeding tube into my small intestine.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 12/20/2012 5:32AM

    I hope things start improving for you asap. Stress can do so much damage but it's difficult to just relax when there are situations that are far from ideal to deal with!
I do hope you can get it under control so you can feel better & avoid losing weight.

Sorry about the snow. As a Californian, I have never had to deal with that issue. It snows in the mountains & certain places but is has never snowed where I live. I guess I am lucky. When it gets cold here, I get sinus headaches & it's terrible. I don't think I could live somewhere where there are freezing temperatures! I have always wondered what it would be like to have a white Christmas but I guess it's not all it's cracked up to be. Then again, neither is California. emoticon

emoticon emoticon


Comment edited on: 12/20/2012 5:33:28 AM

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ANDREWS_MOM 12/16/2012 4:49PM

    emoticon
I'm so sorry you're still having it so tough. Did you experiment w/ other foods? The gp diet did not work for me at all- it fact, it made things a whole lot worse (although it's complicated by the fact that nothing in my digestive system works properly/colon/intestines/ etc). After about 18 months of experimenting I found what helps the most and keeps symptoms much more manageable is eating mainly whole foods (I found I have senstivites to yeast and most additives and perservites). I have to stay away from bread as much as possible- that's one of my main triggers, along with rice and any processed foods. I try (but don't always do a very good job) to stick with high protein, moderate fat and low carbs (opposite of what we're told to do). I eat lots of avacado, tuna, shrimp,fish, tomatoes, eggs, cheese, black olives, onions, corn & corn products, spinach, greek yogurt,strawberries (in the summer because they're now $5 a container and are tasteless here)& veggies (although I have to try to stay far away from most lettuces, broccoli, cabbage, most beans, celery, green beans, etc).

Do you have any plans for Christmas and the holidays? It's crazy busy here getting ready for Santa with my little guy. :) So much to do and waaay too little time and definateley not enough money..lol. Christmas eve we have mass then this year we're having dinner at my mil's house (it's her 1st year in her house) My mil and step father in law & brian's brother come over for dinner Christmas Day.

I hope things start to improve for you during this new year!
xxxx

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IUHRYTR 12/14/2012 8:29PM

    emoticon Hoping things improve. -- Lou

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MOM2ACAT 12/10/2012 5:19PM

    emoticon

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PAMNANGEL 12/10/2012 4:26AM

    emoticon

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