Friday, November 25, 2011
So after being up for 39.5 hours straight, I got some sleep by taking meds, felt sick most of the day yesterday, then was hoping to get some sleep and try to go to work today. Instead, I got about 2 hours of fitful sleep and feel horrible again today, so I didn't go to work again.
We did get my car back to the garage again, and they had it all day to find where it is still leaking, and now have it through Monday to tear the engine back out again to fix it. At least they said they wouldn't charge labor, and the parts are only going to be around $40. Hopefully this will fix it this time.
I was looking through the sale ads for black friday and found they had s2 of Vampire Diaries on sale for $13! So after my parents helped me get my car to the garage, we stopped on the way back to see if they still had some in the store (it was about 11 am). Not only did they have it, but they also had s6 of Supernatural on sale for $13. Add to that Ramona and Beezus and Cruel Intentions that were on sale for pretty cheap too, and that's my Xmas present from my parents. They also got me some rice krispie treats (since I can sort of digest them) and hand soap I needed.
I think my scale might be off by about 1-2 lbs, but I'm not certain. Still, as of this morning I was at 117 lbs - that means I just broke the threshold into being underweight. I've lost 40 lbs in two years without trying, wanting, or needing to. Very scary stuff.
Hoping I'll feel better this weekend. Trying to get a little more food into me, anyways.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
So apparently the ER wanted to scare me. They told me I had a blood clot in my liver and sent me to another hospital. After spending the entire night awake (I've been awake for 37 hours straight - and I'm not heading to bed just yet) I finally got an MRI and they saw nothing. I've known since April that I have what amounts to a varicose vein on my liver, and the CT scan at the ER showed what appeared to be a blood clot in that vein. But since the initial reading of the MRI (still has to be 'officially' read) shows nothing, they think it was probably just a spurt of blood in the vein.
Since they didn't see anything on the MRI, they didn't pull GI over to see me. Instead, they're leaving me with the GI appointment on 12/7 and will call me to add an appointment with a liver specialist.
Funny thing - they sent in a nutritionalist to explain the GP diet to me. I'm sure several of you know that I know this info inside and out. Well, I taught the nutritionist several things and directed her to GPACT, in amongst everything I was telling her. Then the doctor was explaining what they didn't find, so I started asking him questions and clearly proving to him I know a lot of info about GP and related issues. He seemed a little taken aback. That was cool. Even in the ER I was showing my knowledge.
I'm not sure what to think. I just spent the last about 24 hours completely out of my mind. When I got into the hospital bed at 6am this morning I wanted to sleep. No matter what I tried, I could NOT fall asleep! I'm home now, but there are things I need/want to do so I'm still not going to be able to sleep right away. My parents came up and are going to be invading my house for several days. And just as I expected, my mother would not SHUT UP and yammered on to the doctor about something ridiculous. I kept telling her to stop but she just kept talking! You could see in the doctor's face he had no idea what the heck she was even saying.
Even with as horrible as I felt, I did have one stupid girlie moment that I have to share so you all can laugh. When I was in the ER I was not moving well at all. I needed the bathroom, so they moved the bed close, then a quite cute orderly helped me get into the bathroom. Well, he turned and bumped into me and I fell backwards so he caught me (eep!), then he turned and bumped me again and I fell again so he put his arm around my back (eep!) while I grabbed his forearm with one hand and his incredibly buff bicep with the other (double eep!). I had to hold on because a) I didn't want to fall yet again and b) didn't want to stop touching his muscles. After a few seconds I let go, but it was probably 3 seconds longer than I needed to. haha Very short lived moment, but for a few seconds I was distracted from everything going on by a very good looking guy (that I will probably never see again).
Not sure what to think about everything that just happened, but I'm extremely exhausted and hoping I have some chance of actually sleeping soon with my parents in my house. In the past once I hit 40 hours I start hallucinating, so hopefully I'll be asleep soon!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I'm sorry to post this blog, because I know my sparkfriends will be very worried. Hopefully i'll be able to update quickly.
For years, especially in the last year and a half (since I was diagnosed with gastroparesis) I get coughing fits that after several violent coughs I start throwing up. This happened earlier tonight, but since I've had mostly liquids today, there was nothing for me to throw up - so I just kept coughing and coughing. After well over a minute of straight coughing, the tinnitis (ringing in the ears) hit hard and I knew I was about to black out. I tried to take a few steps so I would land on the soft carpeting instead of the hard lamenate in my kitchen. I didn't make it. My knees hit the lamenate hard and my arms just barely slowed my fall as my face just made it onto the carpeting. I didn't lose consiousness this time, but it hurt.
This has happened several times in the last few weeks, so I just blew it off. but then I started getting chest pains, followed by continual weakness in my legs and arms. My chest feels like it's being squeezed and my head feels like the pressure will pop it like a bubble. I tried a shower (if my lungs are the problem, warm moist air should help) but it didn't. I am constantly at risk for hyperventillating because for some reason my carbon dioxide levels are always low (hyperventillating is too much oxygen and not enough carbon dioxide in the blood, which is why you breathe into a bag) so I tried holding my breath - that made it worse. If you're having a heart attack, coughing hard is like mini chest compressions so it can help your heart work until help arrives - so I tried coughing hard a couple times, but it made the chest pain MUCH MUCH worse. I've been on the couch about an hour and things just keep getting worse, including my lips tingling, I can't catch my breath, and when I tried to take my pulse, I found the corotid artery on the right side of my neck is pulsing at about half the strength of the left side.
I'm terrifed because I haven't had chest pain like this before. I've had GERD for half my life, I've had eosinophilic esophagitis, I've had bronchitis, I've had asthma, and I've had a cracked rib, but nothing like this! But I'm also terrified because of my track record with doctors refusing to listen and help me. So I called the friend at work who has been trying to look out for me. He lost someone to anorexia, so he knows what goes wrong when the body is underweight and malnourished, thus I wanted to run this past him. He offered to come over and take me to the ER (because I really don't want to pay for an ambulance AND an ER visit, but when I can barely stand without my legs giving out, driving even 10 minutes isn't a good idea). He just got here.
I'll update as soon as I can.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
As I've said before, I'm horrible about asking for help. For me, the fear of what will go wrong outweighs the belief in the benefits the majority of the time. Still, I could really use some help and it won't come if I don't ask for it. Life isn't a movie where a happy ending is guaranteed - no white knight or fairy godmother will ever come along to make all my dreams come true. But maybe if I ask I can get a little help from someone.
I've always had a ridiculously low self-esteem and I seriously doubt I'll ever believe I deserve the help I need, so I don't know that I can convince someone else that I deserve help. Especially lately, as I've been getting worse and worse, as my body has gotten disgustingly, sickly skinny, the depression has been growing worse. When I can't even win the fight against my own body, how can I win the fight to make a doctor help me or convince someone I need a little help to keep my life from crumbling completely?
Sparkfriends, those of you who have gotten to know me and care, those of you who hold me up as I keep going under and won't let me give up, those of you that I've done my best to support and give ideas that (hopefully) have helped you some, I'd appreciate if you could take just a moment to do something for me. It would mean a lot if you could help me by writing a single word or maybe a sentence about me. I don't need more than that. If someone else writes it, then I can't say I'm lying to myself or that I'm making it up to claim I'm important. I only have to try to believe it if someone else is saying I'm worth it.
I know this is a really strange request. You don't have to do it if you don't want to - I won't be offended. I just can't come up with anything that I believe about myself to show why I deserve help.
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