Saturday, November 19, 2011
As I've said before, I'm horrible about asking for help. For me, the fear of what will go wrong outweighs the belief in the benefits the majority of the time. Still, I could really use some help and it won't come if I don't ask for it. Life isn't a movie where a happy ending is guaranteed - no white knight or fairy godmother will ever come along to make all my dreams come true. But maybe if I ask I can get a little help from someone.
I've always had a ridiculously low self-esteem and I seriously doubt I'll ever believe I deserve the help I need, so I don't know that I can convince someone else that I deserve help. Especially lately, as I've been getting worse and worse, as my body has gotten disgustingly, sickly skinny, the depression has been growing worse. When I can't even win the fight against my own body, how can I win the fight to make a doctor help me or convince someone I need a little help to keep my life from crumbling completely?
Sparkfriends, those of you who have gotten to know me and care, those of you who hold me up as I keep going under and won't let me give up, those of you that I've done my best to support and give ideas that (hopefully) have helped you some, I'd appreciate if you could take just a moment to do something for me. It would mean a lot if you could help me by writing a single word or maybe a sentence about me. I don't need more than that. If someone else writes it, then I can't say I'm lying to myself or that I'm making it up to claim I'm important. I only have to try to believe it if someone else is saying I'm worth it.
I know this is a really strange request. You don't have to do it if you don't want to - I won't be offended. I just can't come up with anything that I believe about myself to show why I deserve help.
Friday, November 18, 2011
My car has still been leaking since I got it back. I took it back after work today and the mechanic put in some major pressure but couldn't find a leak. He tightened some loose clamps and we'll see if that helps.
Got the blood tests results back. Nothing was outside of the ranges (I hope you know that every doctor you go to, every different computer system, and every specialty uses different ranges for what is a 'normal' reading) but comparing the results to those I got back in early April, there are some pretty big changes. So I'm going to have to review them closely and show those to the doctor next month.
Work handed out our Thanksgiving 'bonus' today. I've been there just shy of a year so this is the first time I've gotten it. My boss told me in the past they gave everyone a turkey then if someone didn't want it, they could donate it. Well, with the cost of food rising (the news said tonight that the price of turkeys is up 13%) and based on the fact that a lot of turkeys were donated instead of being taken home last year, this year they gave everyone a $15 gift card to Target. Personally, I like that better. I'm a single woman with a serious digestive condition - giving me a turkey isn't going to do me a bit of good, but a gift card can be used for anything.
I'm totally exhausted (as usual) so I'm going to stop here. (I've stopped several times while writing this to walk away from my computer and lay down in a chair for a few minutes to rest.)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The last few nights after I've had dinner I get really tired and cold. I take a shower to get ready for bed (and to warm up) but after I get out and go upstairs to lay down while my hair dries, my body temperature plummets to about 96.6*. This worries me. Especially since when it happens I have on fleece pj pants, a pj t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a hoodie, and thick slipper socks then I'm curled up on the couch with a fleece blanket and an afghan over me... with the temperature in my house at 73*... and I'm still shivering! It is not normal!
I had 5 tubes of blood taken today. At work I felt wrong all day - dizzy, nauseous, headache, etc so I knew having 5 tubes drawn was going to be bad. In March I had 6 tubes drawn and ended up on the floor - I didn't faint, it was more like seizure. Basically all of my senses turned off but I was still awake, and my hands cramped into a weird shape and I couldn't move them or any part of my body. I didn't want to risk not being caught before hitting the ground if this happened again, so I asked to be laid down. Very glad I did because even thought I stayed laying for about two minutes after she was done drawing I nearly fell back over when I sat up. I laid there for probably 5 minutes before I got up and left. Not sure how long until I get the results, but I'm assuming a few days. I also brought home stuff to get a stool sample that I'll have to bring back to them. I'm planning on doing that on Saturday (just for my own ease and comfort).
Another interesting thing came from Mayo today. They sent me a letter saying I was randomly chosen to receive a phone survey about my experience at Mayo. Is it possible for me to not laugh about this? I honestly don't think anyone at Mayo actually talks to anyone else! I hope they call soon because I really want to tell someone else there how incompetent they are.
On a sad note, sometimes life gets too difficult for people to handle it and they decide they will force the end to come early. Many people have considered this option and we can only hope more people choose to not take this path. Unfortunately, this morning in Minneapolis a woman chose not only to take this path, but to hurt others in the process. She walked out onto a busy interstate during morning rush hour, stood in the middle of the road looking at traffic, then laid down across two lanes (3 lane road). Several cars couldn't see her in time to avoid her. There is traffic cam video of the event, but the news had enough tact to stop the video before the first hit. Still, not only is it sad that a woman felt so destroyed by her life that she would bring the end early, but that she did it in a way that she hurt so many others in the process. It would be devastating to be driving down the road in the dark and hit someone - even if it isn't your fault in any way.
Once again, I'm dozing off so I'm going to go lay on the couch to watch Beneath The Blue w/ Paul Wesley.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Well, it figures. Turns out my car was still dripping overnight. It is either: A) still drying all the liquids that sprayed/leaked everywhere or B) there was more going on than just the water pump. I called to ask and agreed to give it another day or two to see if it continues.
We finally did my review today - took about 15 minutes. There wasn't much she had to say and she gave me a 3, 4, or 5 (on a scale of 1-5) on everything. I'm getting a 3% raise starting with the pay period that just ended. That means about an extra $30 after taxes per check. Not much, but anything helps, right?
I felt semi-okay (well, in comparison to the horrible-ness since the Mayo fiasco) when I got home from work. I had a very early dinner and as I ate I just kept getting more and more tired. By 6 I was already dozing off. It's not even 7 yet and I just want to fall asleep. I still have to shower (and try to stay away for Criminal Minds) but I think I might skip watching the news tonight and go to bed early. I've been realizing lately that eating is making me extremly tired - this even includes the 50/50 mix of ensure and water that I slowly sip all day while at work. (When even drinking water causes pain, the last thing I want to do is actually eat food while at work.)
A while ago I talked about writing the Ellen show to ask for help. I haven't done it yet, even though I keep thinking about it. I'm having a problem answering the fundamental question: why do I deserve her help? What makes my story interesting and what have I done in my life that stands out as something special? I haven't been able to answer those questions. I see the people she helps and I know I pale in comparison to them.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I honestly don't know how I pulled it off. The doctor ordered all the tests and I'm going in Thursday right after work for a blood draw. The scary part - every time someone agrees with me (especially people like doctors) then I instantly doubt myself. When I saw the appointment was set up the doubt slammed into me and I had to remind myself that I know how I feel and I know there's something wrong and I have no reason to doubt what I have already proven to myself.
My car is fixed and I have it back - after just shy of $1000 in repairs. I work for a company that sells aftermarket auto parts and the garage I've recently been going to is literally 100 steps from one of our warehouses, which is a huge supplier for the parts the garage needs. The last thing they're going to want to do is screw me badly. In fact, I set it up that they go to the warehouse to get the parts I need, the warehouse charges my credit card, and I pay less without having to totally go out of my way. It's awesome. I even talked to the guy in the warehouse and he told me his opinion on my car and my engine and yeah, it's understandable why the job takes about 9 hours (over $750 of the bill was just labor). Still, after this I'm keeping my car for another year (unless I can get a new one for free, of course) and maybe I can try again next year. But when I got her back I made a deal with her that she has to take care of me through the winter because I put the money into getting her taken care of.
Yesterday as I was about to leave work my boss brought up my annual review. She said it was supposed to be done the week I was gone and she just hasn't been able to get to it since I got back. Whatever. She said it should only take 10 minutes, but there hasn't been 10 minutes free in the past 2 weeks? So we were going to do it today, but again it didn't happen. At least I know I'm not getting fired - they wouldn't keep pushing that back. If by some random chance I'm getting a raise (as in a cost of living type raise) it should be back-dated. Whatever she has to say, I just want to do it and get it done.
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