Friday, October 14, 2011
I got a massage tonight. This time it wasn't an attempt to make my digestive system start working again, it was just to try to get some of the poison out of my muscles that's built up from this past week of having my intestines not working (food rotting inside body, intestines absorb the rotting material which acts like poison). When I was standing at the front desk talking to the ladies I could totally feel the poison moving around (you totally don't want to know how that felt!) so I hung around a bit until I felt better. I got home, made my 'I can't eat solid food' smoothie, and couldn't get it all down before my stomach started rejecting it. I held it down as I started craving almost every single food I can no longer have all at the same time. I AM SO HUNGRY! But when I can't even get down the most basic version of my smoothie I'm in desperate trouble. So I'm finishing off the night with several cups of hot chicken broth. I'm seriously freezing cold (yes I have the heat on) and needed the internal warmth, but I won't be able to get down soup, so broth will have to do.
In a way it's a good thing I'm this bad right now, as I only have a few more days until my initial Mayo appointment. Walking in there and saying how bad I am right now should be good for my case, yet if I get worse I'm not sure how I'm going to make the drive. Plus when it gets this bad, the pain throughout my body just gets so difficult to bear.
I am fighting and will continue to fight. I have no choice, right? I will fight this condition and fight to find someone who is willing and able to help me. I just want to be able to eat food again without pain, problems, and malnutrition!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I posted this to someone on a team, but wanted to blog it too.
Interesting thing today, I was talking to a guy at work who's been really nice to me and he said he can see in my face that I'm losing more weight. My weight is the same, but I think it's because of the distention I have every day and because it seems I can't take up all the nutrients I need through my intestines my body fat is being redistributed again. I knew it was happening - I've worn 4 rings for many years; they used to be so tight on my fingers I could barely get them off and now a few can almost fall right off my fingers. Even in the last few weeks when my weight has been rock steady it's getting harder to keep them on my hands. I can also see the indent in my cheeks lately but I didn't think others would notice. So I definitely need Mayo to figure something out.
Friday, October 07, 2011
It is quite windy in MN today. At some points when I was driving in my car a gust of wind would randomly hit me and I'd have to really fight it. Well, I was driving down the road and hit a huge gust (some gusts are hitting 40-50 mph) and out of the corner of my eye I saw something black in the air. I slowed down and looked over and watched a crow take off moving forward, hit the gust, then fly backwards from the wind, and as the gust calmed the bird was dropped back where it started. It was kinda funny to see a crow flying backwards.
As I was thinking about it I realized a few things:
1) I wonder if the other crows thought he was magic.
2) How frustrating would it be to not be able to move forward at all because of a little wind?
3) Maybe the crow was working out on a bird version of a treadmill!
Sometimes when we try to go forward, the winds of change will throw us back where we started. Should we stop trying? NO! If a bird is willing to have a workout on a wind-treadmill, we can dig in our heels and push forward through the tough times. The wind might win sometimes, but eventually it blows itself out - leaving those who fought it stronger and further ahead than those who sat back and watched.
Will you let the wind win, or will you be a magical crow flying backwards?
Monday, October 03, 2011
Okay so I have perfectionist issues. I don't expect others around me to be perfect, but I want it in myself. I not only want to KNOW everything, I want to UNDERSTAND everything and how it all fits together. If something interests me in any way, is intellectually stimulating, or is contrary to popular belief, I want to jam that knowledge into my brain and wrap it up with other things I know. (So many people ask me how I know something, or how I put together long strings of knowlege from different sources through trains of logic.) Sometimes it feels like if I can just know more, I might be able to figure 'it' all out. It's not possible, but still.
I want to look perfect, but I know no such thing is possible. So I hate the imperfections yet don't do much to fix them (not really possible to fix some, others are not possible to be fixed right now). I also have no spare money to be able to replace my outdated wardrobe, but I can't replace it easily considering the drastic size changes I go through daily due to my medical conditions (I have a nearly flat stomach in the morning and appear ~5 months pregnant by evening).
It has been so long since I've had a date and much longer since I've had a boyfriend. My friends are abandoning me because of my conditions. There are serious issues within my family so they're usually more harm than good. Sometimes I want to be perfect in hopes that someone will think I'm 'good enough' to care about. It is impossible to be perfect enough for my family, friends aren't friends if they aren't there when you need them, and guys who want perfection are not guys I want.
So why do I want this perfection? It was put into me throughout my entire childhood and it's hard to give up something that's been a part of you for so long. Now I have to give it up. Attempting perfection will not make me happy - it will make me miserable if I keep putting so much into it. No matter how much I know and understand, I'll never figure it all out. Knowing everything I can about my conditions won't make the doctors care - in fact it tends to make the doctors throw me out without caring whatsoever.
I need to remember that I shouldn't have to prove myself to everyone else, or even to myself. I do my best and if that isn't good enough, then too freaking bad!
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