Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I posted this to someone on a team, but wanted to blog it too.
Interesting thing today, I was talking to a guy at work who's been really nice to me and he said he can see in my face that I'm losing more weight. My weight is the same, but I think it's because of the distention I have every day and because it seems I can't take up all the nutrients I need through my intestines my body fat is being redistributed again. I knew it was happening - I've worn 4 rings for many years; they used to be so tight on my fingers I could barely get them off and now a few can almost fall right off my fingers. Even in the last few weeks when my weight has been rock steady it's getting harder to keep them on my hands. I can also see the indent in my cheeks lately but I didn't think others would notice. So I definitely need Mayo to figure something out.
Friday, October 07, 2011
It is quite windy in MN today. At some points when I was driving in my car a gust of wind would randomly hit me and I'd have to really fight it. Well, I was driving down the road and hit a huge gust (some gusts are hitting 40-50 mph) and out of the corner of my eye I saw something black in the air. I slowed down and looked over and watched a crow take off moving forward, hit the gust, then fly backwards from the wind, and as the gust calmed the bird was dropped back where it started. It was kinda funny to see a crow flying backwards.
As I was thinking about it I realized a few things:
1) I wonder if the other crows thought he was magic.
2) How frustrating would it be to not be able to move forward at all because of a little wind?
3) Maybe the crow was working out on a bird version of a treadmill!
Sometimes when we try to go forward, the winds of change will throw us back where we started. Should we stop trying? NO! If a bird is willing to have a workout on a wind-treadmill, we can dig in our heels and push forward through the tough times. The wind might win sometimes, but eventually it blows itself out - leaving those who fought it stronger and further ahead than those who sat back and watched.
Will you let the wind win, or will you be a magical crow flying backwards?
Monday, October 03, 2011
Okay so I have perfectionist issues. I don't expect others around me to be perfect, but I want it in myself. I not only want to KNOW everything, I want to UNDERSTAND everything and how it all fits together. If something interests me in any way, is intellectually stimulating, or is contrary to popular belief, I want to jam that knowledge into my brain and wrap it up with other things I know. (So many people ask me how I know something, or how I put together long strings of knowlege from different sources through trains of logic.) Sometimes it feels like if I can just know more, I might be able to figure 'it' all out. It's not possible, but still.
I want to look perfect, but I know no such thing is possible. So I hate the imperfections yet don't do much to fix them (not really possible to fix some, others are not possible to be fixed right now). I also have no spare money to be able to replace my outdated wardrobe, but I can't replace it easily considering the drastic size changes I go through daily due to my medical conditions (I have a nearly flat stomach in the morning and appear ~5 months pregnant by evening).
It has been so long since I've had a date and much longer since I've had a boyfriend. My friends are abandoning me because of my conditions. There are serious issues within my family so they're usually more harm than good. Sometimes I want to be perfect in hopes that someone will think I'm 'good enough' to care about. It is impossible to be perfect enough for my family, friends aren't friends if they aren't there when you need them, and guys who want perfection are not guys I want.
So why do I want this perfection? It was put into me throughout my entire childhood and it's hard to give up something that's been a part of you for so long. Now I have to give it up. Attempting perfection will not make me happy - it will make me miserable if I keep putting so much into it. No matter how much I know and understand, I'll never figure it all out. Knowing everything I can about my conditions won't make the doctors care - in fact it tends to make the doctors throw me out without caring whatsoever.
I need to remember that I shouldn't have to prove myself to everyone else, or even to myself. I do my best and if that isn't good enough, then too freaking bad!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Today I started writing a list of symptoms to show the docs at mayo. Anything that is clearly not ordinary, has lasted for more than several months, and has been detrimental to my life is going to be written down. I also hope to give a general idea of when each symptom started (if possible - at least what decade of my life they started).
So far, my list is 38 symptoms. At least half I've had for more than 10 years and several for more than 20 years (I'm 30 btw). Yeah, there's no doubt why most doctors have no intention of listening to me give my list of symptoms. They only want to know what's new, but how can you diagnose what's new when the older conditions were never taken care of? What's carry-over or something worsening and what's really new? I don't think it's possible to separate them all at this point.
This again brings me back to wondering if Mayo will help. No doctor wants to deal with 38 (and probably more) symptoms in one person! No human brain is equipped to handle that many issues all at once. No computer program can take that many symptoms and separate what goes with which condition. This is why I've given up getting help for most of these - because doctors stop their patient's story (including symptom list) after an average of only 18 seconds. There's no way to even get through a portion of my list in 18 seconds. But now that I'm making the list, I'm going to have to prioritize it with which symptoms make my life the worst and which I've learned to live with. Numb hands and feet I can live with. Massive heart palpitations I can live with. Random shakes I can live with. Constant headaches since I was a kid I'm sick of. Debilitating fatigue, random blackouts, and fainting spells are dangerous. I'll save you the time and exhaustion from reading all of my symptoms.
38 - I knew the number was high but I didn't realize it was THAT high. And it will go higher once I start ranking and dating them.
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