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Bad evening - 4 days til Mayo.

Friday, October 14, 2011

I got a massage tonight. This time it wasn't an attempt to make my digestive system start working again, it was just to try to get some of the poison out of my muscles that's built up from this past week of having my intestines not working (food rotting inside body, intestines absorb the rotting material which acts like poison). When I was standing at the front desk talking to the ladies I could totally feel the poison moving around (you totally don't want to know how that felt!) so I hung around a bit until I felt better. I got home, made my 'I can't eat solid food' smoothie, and couldn't get it all down before my stomach started rejecting it. I held it down as I started craving almost every single food I can no longer have all at the same time. I AM SO HUNGRY! But when I can't even get down the most basic version of my smoothie I'm in desperate trouble. So I'm finishing off the night with several cups of hot chicken broth. I'm seriously freezing cold (yes I have the heat on) and needed the internal warmth, but I won't be able to get down soup, so broth will have to do.

In a way it's a good thing I'm this bad right now, as I only have a few more days until my initial Mayo appointment. Walking in there and saying how bad I am right now should be good for my case, yet if I get worse I'm not sure how I'm going to make the drive. Plus when it gets this bad, the pain throughout my body just gets so difficult to bear.

I am fighting and will continue to fight. I have no choice, right? I will fight this condition and fight to find someone who is willing and able to help me. I just want to be able to eat food again without pain, problems, and malnutrition!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUTHRIESM 10/16/2011 10:14PM

    I hope you can at least plateau so you can safely get to your appointment and future ones! I know what you mean about drinking hot stuff to take the inside chill even with the heat on. Wishing you the best.

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ANDREWS_MOM 10/16/2011 5:23PM

    You're in my thoughts & prayers. I feel so bad because I know what you're going through. It's a terrible way to have to live. I soooo hope that you find someone at Mayo who is able to give you the help you need. You are definateley going to the best place.
Hugs
xxxx

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LIVINHEALTHY9 10/15/2011 9:16PM

    I can't imagine what you go through or how you deal with it, but I am keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you will get some much needed answers soon.

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Jackie

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MOM2ACAT 10/15/2011 4:05PM

    emoticon Keeping you in my prayers that you will be well enough to make the drive, and that they will be able to help you once you get there.

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MANDI99P 10/14/2011 11:55PM

    I'm sorry that you had such a bad night. I wish I could so something for you, but I can't so i will do the only thing that I can do. I will be here for you. You will get through this I know you will. You are a fighter and I am so proud of you for that. I don't know physically what you are going through, but I want to understand. Where can I go to learn more about it? The only thing I can kind of link it to personally is when I had really bad ulcers and there was so much I couldn't eat because it would make me sick. I know its nothing like what you are going through, but I know how horrible that was. Just keep your head up, and keep fighting till those doctors listen. I know you will find one that will.

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Best laid plans planning plan

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Yeah, my freaking out about Mayo and the crap going on at work has me totally stressed out. Thus I'm back to barely eating again. I'm trying to stick to my liquid/easy-to-digest diet but I'm so hungry that I'm eating things that are not digesting well. I knew this was going to be a tough week as I try to get everything together. Still, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until it's time to drive down there.

I have 2 more days of work this week and 1 next week. I still have to work on my symptom list, fill out more paperwork, and figure out how to get there and when I have to be on the road and plan plan plan. So now I'm planning to attempt a little relaxation this weekend. Most Saturdays I spend the day laying on the couch watching movies then spend Sunday couponing and trying to do a few things around the house. I think this weekend I'm going to try to catch a movie or two in the theater. Not ideal for my condition, but I want to catch The Thing - I've been randomly celeb-crushing on Eric Christian Olsen lately.

I'm not sure if I want Tuesday to get here quickly or slowly. I want to get there and know what's going to happen and I never want to go at all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANDI99P 10/13/2011 9:30PM

    Just take a breath and relax. I know that is easier said then done, but you are only going to make yourself worse if you don't. I'm sure everything will be fine, you are going to a great place and someone with be able to help you. I honestly wish that I could go up there and be at your side during this. Just remember that even though i'm not physically there, I'm with you anyway. I will be thinking of you all day. Remember, your the Cass to my Dean. Nothing can keep us down.

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LIVINHEALTHY9 10/13/2011 8:53PM

    It sounds like you should relax and do some enjoyable things this weekend. Stress has a way of doing horrible things to our bodies and with everything else you have going on, you need to take care of yourself.

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Comment edited on: 10/13/2011 8:55:10 PM

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MOM2ACAT 10/13/2011 4:11PM

    emoticon I hope your weekend turns out to be enjoyable and relaxing.

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Less than a week until Mayo

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I posted this to someone on a team, but wanted to blog it too.

Interesting thing today, I was talking to a guy at work who's been really nice to me and he said he can see in my face that I'm losing more weight. My weight is the same, but I think it's because of the distention I have every day and because it seems I can't take up all the nutrients I need through my intestines my body fat is being redistributed again. I knew it was happening - I've worn 4 rings for many years; they used to be so tight on my fingers I could barely get them off and now a few can almost fall right off my fingers. Even in the last few weeks when my weight has been rock steady it's getting harder to keep them on my hands. I can also see the indent in my cheeks lately but I didn't think others would notice. So I definitely need Mayo to figure something out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVINHEALTHY9 10/12/2011 8:45PM

    I am sure you are counting the days till you get there and hopefully get some answers.
I know it's cliche, but Hang in There!



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The crow who flew backwards

Friday, October 07, 2011

It is quite windy in MN today. At some points when I was driving in my car a gust of wind would randomly hit me and I'd have to really fight it. Well, I was driving down the road and hit a huge gust (some gusts are hitting 40-50 mph) and out of the corner of my eye I saw something black in the air. I slowed down and looked over and watched a crow take off moving forward, hit the gust, then fly backwards from the wind, and as the gust calmed the bird was dropped back where it started. It was kinda funny to see a crow flying backwards.

As I was thinking about it I realized a few things:
1) I wonder if the other crows thought he was magic.
2) How frustrating would it be to not be able to move forward at all because of a little wind?
3) Maybe the crow was working out on a bird version of a treadmill!

Sometimes when we try to go forward, the winds of change will throw us back where we started. Should we stop trying? NO! If a bird is willing to have a workout on a wind-treadmill, we can dig in our heels and push forward through the tough times. The wind might win sometimes, but eventually it blows itself out - leaving those who fought it stronger and further ahead than those who sat back and watched.

Will you let the wind win, or will you be a magical crow flying backwards?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVINHEALTHY9 10/8/2011 8:19PM

    Good inspirational blog and I love the analogy!

I am the CROW!



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Perfection isn't perfect.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Okay so I have perfectionist issues. I don't expect others around me to be perfect, but I want it in myself. I not only want to KNOW everything, I want to UNDERSTAND everything and how it all fits together. If something interests me in any way, is intellectually stimulating, or is contrary to popular belief, I want to jam that knowledge into my brain and wrap it up with other things I know. (So many people ask me how I know something, or how I put together long strings of knowlege from different sources through trains of logic.) Sometimes it feels like if I can just know more, I might be able to figure 'it' all out. It's not possible, but still.

I want to look perfect, but I know no such thing is possible. So I hate the imperfections yet don't do much to fix them (not really possible to fix some, others are not possible to be fixed right now). I also have no spare money to be able to replace my outdated wardrobe, but I can't replace it easily considering the drastic size changes I go through daily due to my medical conditions (I have a nearly flat stomach in the morning and appear ~5 months pregnant by evening).

It has been so long since I've had a date and much longer since I've had a boyfriend. My friends are abandoning me because of my conditions. There are serious issues within my family so they're usually more harm than good. Sometimes I want to be perfect in hopes that someone will think I'm 'good enough' to care about. It is impossible to be perfect enough for my family, friends aren't friends if they aren't there when you need them, and guys who want perfection are not guys I want.

So why do I want this perfection? It was put into me throughout my entire childhood and it's hard to give up something that's been a part of you for so long. Now I have to give it up. Attempting perfection will not make me happy - it will make me miserable if I keep putting so much into it. No matter how much I know and understand, I'll never figure it all out. Knowing everything I can about my conditions won't make the doctors care - in fact it tends to make the doctors throw me out without caring whatsoever.

I need to remember that I shouldn't have to prove myself to everyone else, or even to myself. I do my best and if that isn't good enough, then too freaking bad!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TENTACLES 10/5/2011 10:10AM

    Damn right, you can only be yourself and just shake off the stupidity of those around you. If they can't love you for the beautiful soul you are, then what's the use of having them drag you down to their levels of misery. Remember. You. Come. First!

I'll tell you this, my own experiences with doctors taught me this: Doctors are just people, mostly stupid, in debt, ego driven people. Any doctor that gives you lip, look them dead in the eyes and go, 'I"m paying you remember that. Not the insurance companies. ME! I'm paying you to help me figure out why I'm like this. Even if I just want to sit here and chat with you, I'm paying for your time. If my money isn't good enough to pay back your years of debt, then give me a rebate right now and I'll walk out those doors.' Gotta remember, hit them in their wallets. Enough people distrust doctors that one bad complaint about their service, can seriously hurt a private practice. I've walked out my fair share of doctor's offices after ripping them a new hole.

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MANDI99P 10/3/2011 8:40AM

    Doing your best is all you can ever ask of yourself. Remember there is no such thing as perfection. No matter how perfect things seem to be, there will always be something that you will want to change. You are a wonderful loving person that cares so much for people around you. You are a great friend, and that is perfect in my book. Have you ever heard the song "Perfect" by Pink? You should check it out because I will now be thinking of you when I hear it.

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