Sunday, September 11, 2011
Something I'd like to share today, on the 10th anniversary of something all Americans, and many around the world, will never forget. I don't particularly like the pictures in the video, so I suggest minimizing it and just listening to the sound.
I've had the mp3 of this tribute remix (the song is Revolution Cry by Lifehouse) for the past 10 years and it plays every couple days on my mp3 player while I'm at work (I mostly listen to everything on there on shuffle).
There is no great 'where I was when' story for me for this event. The day before I had travelled a 6+ hour round trip to see Lifehouse in their first show of their first ever headlining tour in Milwaukee. I got home early in the morning and planned to sleep most of the day (I was 20 and not working at the time). About 10 or 11 am CST my mother woke me up by knocking on my door and telling me we've been attacked. I still hate her for doing that because a) I was waking up and had no clue what she was saying and b) who in the heck wakes someone up by saying that unless you're in the line of fire? The way she talked to me that morning (my mother has pretty bad mental health problems) made me feel so guilty that I didn't sleep for the next 2 days as I stayed awake waiting for what else could happen and trying to comfort my friends. One of which was in a high school a few miles from the Pentagon and their school shook when that plane hit, and several of her classmates found out soon after they lost a parent.
10 years tends to last a long time, but the memory shortens it to seem like it was not that long ago. America and the whole world has seen many more horrible tragedies, and many wonderful things as well. Every person has had successes and triumph, heartbreak and failure. Yet time marches on with or without us. We remember - not to relive the pain, but to remember those we lost, the incredible feats of humanity to save as many lives as possible, and that as citizens of the world we must forever be watchful of ourselves and those we love because life changes every moment.
Take time to remember, but do not dwell. Live your life to the fullest while you can. We do not forget, but we must move on. As the song says, "when will this weeping generation dance again?"
Sunday, September 11, 2011
One thing I didn't mention about my last Endo appointment was that he wanted me to take a picture of my distended abdomen. Not sure why, since a picture won't really do it justice. I decided to take it a step further and I've taken multiple pictures all day today to show the progression. Most Saturdays I spend the day laying on the couch and relaxing. Instead, I spent today moving around, doing some cleaning and laundry, and didn't lay down at all. I did this on purpose - my body seems to not be able to digest when I'm standing and moving around or at least sitting up. I also ate foods that my body doesn't really like right now. Throughout today I've been taking 4 pictures in a set about a half hour after each meal. 2 are side views and 2 are front views and each set has one where I'm tensing my abdominal muscles and holding my breath and one where my abdominals are relaxed. The scary thing is you can seriously tell the difference from the first pictures to the last! And today wasn't even one of my worst days!
I'm incredibly exhausted though, after doing an hour of cleaning my bathroom and not laying down all day. I took the meds that knock me out so I should sleep through the night (except on Sundays I have to get up between 6-8 to get my paper before my neighbors steal it, so I'll have to wake up for 5 minutes to do that). Hopefully when I wake up I will have digested everything that's been sitting in my stomach all day.
The homeowners association meeting was completely stupid. Very few people even came and they spent time lying to us about how great they are. Then this afternoon I got pictures of my neighbor once again taking her dog out without a leash, so I emailed that to the association and the city. She should be fined by both. Then at 1130pm that same neighbor's 30 something son (they live together, just the 2 of them... yes those disgusting thoughts you might be having are probably true) was dropped off by a couple buddies, and he and at least the passenger in the car were absolutely beyond trashed. They were yelling and screaming, trying to break into his car, pounding on the garage door, hugging and rubbing each other, and then when the car tried to drive away he jumped on the hood of the car before getting off and spinning in circles and dancing. I called 911 to give the license plate and information because with as trashed as those two were there's a chance the driver was impaired as well. At first I thought they were just breaking into the car, but as I was talking to the dispatcher I relayed all that was happening and when he tried to get into the house (but couldn't figure out how to use the door handle) and had the door opened from inside I realized it was him. Honestly I have the worst neighbors.
Well, I can't handle this stomachache and headache any more. I have to lay down and get this food to start digesting before my belly bursts. Let's hope I can spend most of the day tomorrow laying down!
Friday, September 09, 2011
One huge annoyance: seeing food that makes me want food and knowing I can't have it. There are plenty of times when I say I just want to eat a normal meal no matter how much it hurts me, but I know it's a horrible idea. I was watching the Supernatural episode Swap Meat and Dean orders a bacon cheeseburger "and fry an egg on top of it". I could almost taste the bacon and the cheese and the grease... it totally made me want it! Of course eating it would mean I'd probably not eat anything else for a week because it would be stuck in my stomach and intestines for at least that long. Though sometimes, just for a few minutes, it seems worth it.
Earlier this week when my Mayo appointment got set up, I sat down with my boss and told her a little bit about my condition. Of course, she seemed like she didn't believe me. I got the typical "I've never even heard of that" with the cocked eyebrow. Well today she ordered jimmy johns and had to show me the huge amount of onions they put on there. I don't like onions yet I couldn't stop staring at her sandwich. She even offered me half, but I've been on mostly liquids, smoothies, and yogurt for half of each of the past 3 weeks, so there's no way I could've. I showed her the bottle of Ensure I had had for lunch.
After all of these temptations today, I couldn't help myself and I gave in. My stomach didn't want much for food all day until I saw that freaking bacon cheeseburger in Dean's hands. I ended up having 3 cheesecake middles cookies and a cup of chex mix and a few other things that are okay only when my stomach is at least halfway working. It was too much for my stomach but I'm so sick of feeling empty and knowing I can't get full without making things worse. So now my whole abdomen is cramping in pain, my back and neck are in throbbing pain, and my head feels like there's a campfire in my skull and someone is throwing in full beer cans to explode them. My entire body now hates me and I just want to collapse.
As for my blog yesterday, I know I need to go to Mayo. I really hope they don't throw me out the door or shut me up with psychotropic drugs, though I am really afraid they will. I can't keep going like this, yet if they can't or won't help me I'm out of options. I'm really trying to hold on right now, but honestly it is incredibly difficult being positive or hopeful when you can't eat!
I have a pathetic homeowners association meeting tomorrow morning that I absolutely don't want to go to. Last year I was in the hospital when they held the meeting and now with the way I feel I don't know that I want to go listen to that absolute bullcrap. grrrr
So I'm going to go take the meds that knock me out cold for 12 hours and see if I can be awake in time to get to the meeting. *headdesk*
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Apparently my Endo doesn't want me putting things off any longer. His office called Mayo Clinic and set up an appointment for me. Luckily, I didn't have to reschedule because I'll be able to take off work that day. Here's the plan:
Tues, Oct 18th I'm making the 3 hour round trip to Mayo for a 45-60 min consult with the GI team. I have to gather as many medical records as I can (this is going to be difficult!) and hand-carry them to the appointment. I think I might need to take a shopping cart to carry all that. At that time, they'll decide what tests they would like to run and schedule it over as many days as needed the following week. If they choose only a few, I might be there one day - but if they choose many tests I could be there the whole week. Considering the absolute mess my body is (well beyond just the digestive tract problems), I'm thinking it may be the whole week involving several specialties. The good thing is by doing it this way, I won't have to 'play it by ear' and keep calling into work to tell them if I'll be there the next day or not. I should know after the appointment how many days I'll have to spend there the next week so we can try to plan for it at work.
Last night I had a freaky dream and woke up about 430-445 and absolutely couldn't fall back asleep. I just laid there tossing and turning, barely able to even close my eyes. After about an hour I just gave up and went upstairs to lay on the couch for about 10 minutes before starting to get ready for work. Of course, yet another night with little sleep means today started the 3rd flare in 3 weeks. I am so incredibly sick of this! I guess it's a good thing my Endo is making me go to Mayo, because this needs to figured out.
I'm a little disheartened that I called my sister and she seemed too busy to care much about this and my parents are on vacation so they're not really interested in hearing about it. Of course none of the so called 'friends' on facebook give a rats rear. Yes, there's a reason I hate the question 'what's your support system like?' because I don't have much of one. Pretty much it's all you awesome sparkers that are my support system.
Well, bed time. I've gotta attempt to get some sleep tonight.
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