Tuesday, January 18, 2011
When your GP acts up and you can't seem to get food or drinks in or keep it in, what do you do? How do you make it through the day? Do you call your doctor? Do you go on with your routine (besides meals) like usual?
Right now I'm trying to force some ensure in, but it is not going well. Even drinking water last night had me gagging. My stomach is cramped and my intestines are hurting badly. I'm sure this is mainly due to severe stress right now, but as much as I'm trying to lessen it, it is getting even worse every day. Since I live alone, I have to do everything - from grocery shopping and cooking to shoveling snow every other day. I absolutely cannot take off of work - I've been there just over a month and if I don't go to work I will be instantly let go. It is my only source of income and with a mortgage and bills to cover alone, plus a dying car, I can't be without it as last year ravaged my savings.
Other people think I should call one of the half dozen doctors I saw last year, but even if they can get me an appointment in less than 2 months, I can't take leave from work. So I have to wonder if it is worth it - I doubt there is much they can do besides put me on medication (which I'm severely susceptible to side effects so I don't want meds) or put me in the hospital in a few weeks if I haven't started eating again (which then I lose my job).
I'm falling apart here, as even when I'm eating 1800-2000 cals/day I can't seem to stop losing weight. Now the past few nights I can't sleep either. I'm definitely not thinking straight, so I have no idea what to do at this point.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Today was not great. Even though I slept in a bit, I was just totally exhausted, felt sick, and my GP was acting up. So I spent a lot of the day on the couch. I definitely needed a relax day, but I was hoping to do something at least.
I'm trying to figure out what is going on with my GP - why is it acting up sometimes but not others when I'm eating mostly the same things every day? So I added a new tracker on my weigh/measure log for how good my digestive system is working each day. I already track my weight every day (some days I randomly drop 2-3 lbs and can't figure out why, so I have to watch it), as well as stress level, sleep quality, energy level, and self esteem level. I'm hoping that by adding this new tracker with everything else I might be able to figure out why my GP randomly acts up some days.
WARNING: the following may be TMI for you if you don't want to hear about digestive system problems! If you're grossed out by this stuff, skip the next paragraph please!
I know my GP is affected by stress: when I was a kid if I ate when I was stressed I would throw up. After dealing with some eating disorders in my teens and early 20s it is now rare for me to throw up and if I feel nauseous from being sick I can usually stop myself from involuntarily throwing up. I know a lot of that last sentence affects and/or worsens my GP, but this is the way it is now and I can't go back and change it. But after today, I'm wondering if it is affecting my intestines as well. See, last night my stomach was hurting (hello gastroparesis), then this morning my stomach was only sore but my intestines were hurting. This afternoon my body released some undigested food and my intestines felt better. I have times like this, where my body decides not to digest something that it doesn't have problems with at other times. So if the food isn't causing the problem, is it a sudden jump in stress level doing it? If so, I'm screwed because I can't seem to get the constant stress out of my life! It could also be a lack of sleep, and I'm trying to correct that, but it is proving as hard to do as ever.
So with my GP acting up, my body deciding to be extra cold, and because I felt so tired, I just couldn't justify going anywhere. Bummer, but it's okay because I watched and deleted a couple hours of shows on my DVR (I needed to do that).
I'm going to go to bed in a few minutes (already showered and in my pjs) and try to get some good sleep. Hoping for less GP issues tomorrow so I can go to the grocery store, try to do some laundry, and consider going to get my boots. If I'm up to it, I might even finally get around to taking down the xmas decorations I still have up in my house.
I'm finishing this by giving my positives for today: My GP was acting up but I still got all my food in and spent some time sitting up instead of on the couch the entire day. I cleaned up some of my DVR. And I got my cat to spend some time cuddling with me again today.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I am trying, but unfortunately I'm not feeling quite positive today. Even so, I'm not feeling quite negative either. I'm just exhausted and bummed. Time for a positive-negative-positive sandwich!
P: Got out of work at 12:30 and was able to run some errands before the snow started getting annoying. (And before the roads became full of accidents and parking lots.)
N: When I got gas in my car, I found that the button to switch between trip mileage and odometer is now completely not working. So I went right to the mechanic to tell them that when the ripped apart my dashboard a few weeks back to fix it, they broke more than they fixed (was supposed to fix the dash lights, but now console lights don't work and other things).
P: They are fixing my car for free since it is under their 12 month or 12,000 mile warranty. I also got a free loaner.
N: The brakes on the loaner are crap. You either have to start dragging the brakes a quarter mile before you have to stop, or you stop dead cold (I got a headache from the first 3 stops). They have no idea how long it will take to "fix" my car, which means I will have to take this pos loaner to work on Monday - right in the middle of yet another major snowstorm during morning rush hour.
P: I came home and got to spend most of the day online and on SP. My cat decided to spend some time cuddling with me today which did make me smile and feel slightly better for the moment.
N: I'm exhausted due to not getting enough sleep on any night this week because I've had so much to do. I wanted to take a nap, but it didn't happen. I wanted to shovel the deck before the snow really started flying, but I was so cold by the time I got home that it took over an hour before I could feel my hands, feet, and legs properly - so that wasn't going to happen.
P: Since I shouldn't go to bed extra early, I'm watching the Wild game. This is the first time in like 3+ weeks that it is on the local channel instead of the sports channels that I won't pay for. Glad to get to see the game instead of just reading about it online!
N: Because of the loaner situation, now I'm not sure if I'm going to get my boots tomorrow. It is a very bad idea to drive a car with bad brakes on snowy roads when you don't absolutely have to. So I will have to see how the roads look tomorrow to decide if I will risk it or wait until I have my car back.
P: I can sleep in for a little while tomorrow and don't have much to do, so I will be attempting to take a relaxation day and watch some movies or shows on my dvr to remove from my life for a little while (something I need to do for my mental health).
N: After the stress about my car, I came home and ate simple carbs - hard candy and gelatin candy. Eating a bunch of simple carbs tend to make me tired and sad, even though my sweet tooth loves the sugar. I need to have them in the house though, because when I run out of the fiber, fat, and protein that my GP allows me to have, if I need more calories I have to go with simple carbs.
P: Even though I had too many simple carbs, I'm still within all of my nutrition goals. I don't get to have my usual ice cream or sundae cone for dessert, but it isn't a big deal as I'm too tired to enjoy it anyways.
Biggest positive of the day: Finding out that I inspired Mandi99P to look for the positives in her life. I'm so glad I was able to show her a way to take a step towards better. Good job gal!
Today wasn't what I was hoping for, but I've hung in there without totally losing my positives. Plus today is almost over and I am believing tomorrow will be better!
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