Tuesday, September 06, 2011
I've been considering what to say in this email to the Ellen show. I just don't even know where to start! I can be such a windbag sometimes, and having a 1500 character limit will make this difficult on me. I've set it aside for the past few days but I'm still thinking about it. Reading my horoscope in the paper yesterday reinforced this though, as it said something along the lines of if you have a big project that's overwhelming to set it aside for a few days and regroup then go back at it.
I've been so set back lately - 2 GP/CIP flares in 2 weeks has had me thinking about heading to the Mayo clinic for a consult for a possible G/J tube. No, I don't really want it, but the more flares I'm having the more I want to make this easier on myself. But once I get those, there's a good chance I'll have to give up working full time and that means giving up my house. I'm so completely torn between making my health easier to handle and continuing to live my life.
Anyways, I spent a large part of the 3 day weekend watching dvds. I did things around the house and even read a book while watching tv (I'm trying to give my brain a workout lately to attempt to get it back into 'shape'). I really want a vacation; no that won't happen.
Ugh I just feel so down lately. I've been asking the 'why' and 'what' questions a lot lately. My body is so drained from everything and I just don't know 'what' to do about the 'why'. I desperately want a break from all this, but now that winter is coming back, things are only going to get worse. Of course it doesn't help that it seems my Tubie Duckies have either been lost or denied up in Vancouver. Since I'm not on twitter, it's not like I can even ask Clif if he's seen them.
Well, off to bed, I need sleep.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
I've been debating something, and I don't know if I should...
My Tubie Duckie project can't move forward until I figure out how to make the ducks safer. I had used pieces of a thin cocktail straw with a piece of a twist tie inside it to hold it up (so it didn't stick straight out) then held in place with super glue inside the straw and around where it goes into the duck. That's not really safe to give to kids, so I need to come up with some way to do it safer. I know the best way is if I can design a duck where the tube is part of the actual mold of the duck. But I have no idea where to find a company that can make the ducks where it won't cost me thousands of dollars.
So I had an idea, but I don't know if I should go with it. Oprah might not be on the air anymore, but Ellen is making her way into the spotlight. I was thinking about sending an email to the Ellen show and asking if she would be able to help me find a company to do this project with me. I just don't know if this would get the attention of her staff.
I know I can't afford even a few hundred dollars to make these ducks. I have a single modest income, a mortgage to pay, several difficult medical conditions, I need to replace my car before winter (it was not running great last winter and didn't heat up enough to battle negative teens temps), my house has several problems that I can't afford to fix, and my paycheck gets me just enough to cover my basic bills, but the several thousand in medical costs so far this year has dwindled my savings (though I do have health insurance from my company or it would be much worse!), so adding anything else would put me in financial trouble. (I don't even know that I can afford to replace my car at this point, but I have to because of my medical conditions.)
Do I dare ask? Do I really think I could show enough need to have her and her staff help? I question it. Yeah, I do what I can to help others, but others do more. I just don't know.
Thoughts? Do you watch the Ellen show - do you think she would help me? The email page on her website only allows 1500 characters for your story, how would I condense the story to that? This blog has 2177 characters.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
If you read my rambling blog from the middle of the night, here's the update.
At midnight I called the plumber and left a voicemail. I was so worked up I couldn't get to sleep so at 2 am I called work and left a voicemail that I wasn't going to make it in. I laid down in front of the tv to try to relax (I fall asleep better in front of the tv but stay asleep better in my bed) but it wasn't until I was halfway through The French Mistake episode of Supernatural that I finally dozed off - about 4 am. Unfortunately, I forgot to turn off all my alarms so at 6 am I was woken up. Plumber called at 715 am to say he'd come about 9-10 am - I asked him to call and wake me up when he was almost here. I finally dozed off again (with bad dreams about all this) about 9 am, then was woken at 930 am that the plumber was almost here. Yes, that means I'm going on only about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Yes, that means my DTP is going to flare.
He spent a couple hours dismantling and tearing apart the machine to get it out of my house, then since I can't afford to replace it, he just looped the pipes so I can replace it later if I choose to, or not. He got out of here about 1215 pm, but the final inspection/approval of the sump pump work from Monday was at 3 pm so if I went to bed I might not have woken up. I did some things online and read a little bit of a book. Once he was done I turned in the paperwork right away so hopefully I can get a refund check back from the city faster (they're paying me back about half of the sump pump work). Now I'm back home trying to have some form of dinner and hoping to be in bed very soon.
Since I know a lack of sleep causes my DTP to flare and eating during a flare will just make everything so much worse, eating solid food is pretty much out of the question today. I've been playing around with tossing stuff into a cheap blender and having smoothies instead, so when I first ate after the plumber left, my lunch was a banana, mango peach frozen yogurt, applesauce, fat free plain yogurt, and french vanilla instant breakfast powder. I'm finishing what will be my dinner now - banana, applesauce, fat free plain yogurt, and chocolate malt instant breakfast powder. I've also found my stomach doesn't really fight rice krispie treats, so I had 2 of those in between as a snack. That's 956 calories and my stomach is hurting, so if I can sleep at least 8 hours tonight I will probably drop 2 lbs by the morning. DTP sucks!
I can say 2 good things here: 1) it is lucky that I decided to put my bedspread back in the dryer for 20 more minutes before going to bed otherwise it could have been days or weeks and a lot more damage before I saw the leak 2) I'm glad I found a decent plumber who is willing to come out quickly and who isn't looking to shaft me on the cost.
Lastly, Clif just posted more pictures of the ducks and I still don't see my Tubie Duckies. The tracking showed it was delivered yesterday late morning... I'm starting to wonder what happened to them.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I was having a really good day today. I was relaxed, I got things done, I was okay with going back to work tomorrow. My bedspread was finishing up in the dryer so I could go to bed. Of course things were going too good to be true.
I go in to grab my bedspread to find water all over the floor (this is in a room the size of a medium bathroom that has all my mechanicals in it). The pipes going into the water softener are leaking like crazy. I turn off the main water supply and try to push the 'push here to bypass' button. As it gives in and moves the pipes exploded! Water went flying everywhere and I can't find all the plastic pieces. I own my house and the softener was installed by the *expletive* previous owners and is owned so it's not like I can just call a company to come fix it.
The plumber was just here on Monday to fix the code violation from when they built the townhomes, cutting a hole through a wall into my closet and another outside to have my sump pump drain outside - $750 I can't afford (the city will refund me $347.50 in a few weeks because they forced me to do the work). The inspector is coming tomorrow to approve the work. So I just left a voicemail for him to ask when he can come back and see if he can help with this problem. Another several hundred bucks I definitely can't afford!
This house is an absolute NIGHTMARE! But more than that, this is just another example of my curse that I can't get one problem handled before several more fall in my lap. This has been going on my entire life - people often think I'm exaggerating... well after just a couple months my therapist realized I was serious and after a year she's so dumbfounded with how it just continues on and on that she can't even keep up with the problems let alone have any advice of how to handle them!
I can't even sleep now because I'm so upset and I have to be up for work in less than 5 hours. I've already taken 2 days off, and I think I'm going to have to call in and not go in because I'm so rattled I'm not going to be able to get to sleep for awhile which means I will end up in yet another GP/CIP flare (I just stopped one this weekend!). Honestly, why in the hell am I cursed like this?!?!
Anyone out there thinking I should trust God or that he won't give me more than I can handle, please save it. I've spent years asking, begging, praying for God or the angels or whoever to help me and all I get is more hell. When I was being killed I asked him to take me - yet I had to live through something you couldn't even handle to hear about that has destroyed so much of who I am and my life. Trusting in God and praying for help only makes things worse. I do many things to help others, I donate time, support others, help my friends as much as I can, but it seems no matter how much I do I get kicked in the teeth. Putting good things out to the universe doesn't bring good things back to me, but I still do it because other people need help.
BTW, my Tubie Duckies arrived in Vancouver this morning... I looked at the picture Clif posted and didn't see my ducks. There is one that might be one of mine, but then where's the other? Why do I get the feeling in a week it will be showing back up at my door having been rejected for some ridiculous reason.
Monday, August 29, 2011
I know some great people here on SP. There are some really wonderful people who show me support in my battles with my health and everything else going on. I absolutely appreciate the wonderful things you say and do for me.
It's sad to think that the so-called friends I know IRL can't be even remotely as supportive as you have been to me. Some of them I've known for years, they didn't care last year when I basically was forced to stop eating for a month because of my DTP. None of them even asked how I was after several days in the hospital. None of them even seem to give a rat's behind to learn about my condition. It's not like I ask for much from them, only to actually care for a few moments every once in awhile. I can go six months or a year before seeing any of them. I'm there to help them whenever they ask, but get nothing in return. Why do I ALWAYS end up with 'friends' like this? I'd throw them all away, but then I would be absolutely and completely alone.
Sorry to my SP friends for so much whining the past two days. I'm just so dumbfounded by the way those people have acted towards me.
Melissa - Thank you again so much for helping spread the information about my Tubie Duckies and DTP. I never could've gotten that much exposure without your help.
Amy - Your kind words are always appreciated. I do wish we were closer so we could spend time together and be there for each other.
To all my friends, known for months or new, I'm glad not everyone is as apathetic and uncaring as the people on facebook who say they're my friends. Supporting others in an unkind world is the best way to prove the goodness of humanity. My thank yous are heartfelt.
Yes, I realize this seems like a goodbye note, but it isn't. Sometimes we need to step up and just say thank you to those we care about and remind them how much they mean to us. I hope all of you who support me realize that you mean more to me than many of the people I come across face-to-face.
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