Thursday, August 11, 2011
I got something in the mail today. There was a tell-tale sign about it that gave away what it was. First, it was from a cousin I haven't seen or talked to in several years. Second, it was addressed to "Ms." plus "and guest". Third, she spelled my city wrong which shows it was done in a rush, not with great care. Of course, it's a wedding invite.
I don't really like my extended family. I'm nothing like them and they totally have no clue about who I am - let alone about my medical conditions. I'd kinda like to see them (I think it's been 5-6 years). But to drive there it will be 6 hours excluding any stops for gas or food, so it will be exhausting and will disrupt my eating schedule. To fly will be a few hundred bucks plus I'd either be at the mercy of someone driving me around or I'd have to pay to rent a car, and I'd either be at the mercy of family for a free bed, or I'd again have to pay for a hotel. Basically, I'm guaranteed to finish the weekend in pain and full of stress - which also means possibly in a GP flare and unable to digest food. Is it worth it? Considering the grief I'll get if I don't go (I was a bridesmaid in her first wedding and for her sister's wedding also) and the fact that I've been looking for a reason to take a few days off of work, I'm thinking I should go. But then I'll also have to be around my mother, who I'm still not speaking to - after I just told my father I wasn't coming down this summer to 'celebrate' (I use the term loosely) my birthday (that was 2 months ago) because it would be bad for my health.
Of course, the fact that she's getting married for the 2nd time, when I haven't even had a boyfriend in 11 years, is really stinging me. I'm going to have everyone asking why I'm not married and how come I don't have a boyfriend - and all that crap. Well, let's see - people like to hate me, I have serious medical issues that my life must revolve around, and it seems the only guys interested are too old for me or really not good guys. Is asking me what's wrong with me supposed to make me feel better?
I have a month to decide (it's going to be a small ceremony at their house, so no huge venue to schedule ahead and all) then it's in early October. *Sigh* I don't want to make this decision.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
There are so many ways people can lose weight (even if only one or two ways work for any one person in a healthy way), but there is no excuse for ignoring pain and suffering because all someone can think about is how skinny the person is. Don't understand what I mean? Read this short article and you might.
A want to be thinner is not a reason to wish for a dibilitating and/or deadly medical condition. There is nothing good about having your own body starve you. There is nothing exciting or glamorous about having to fight your body every day to do even basic tasks that others do without thought. And being jealous of someone who has a severe condition that forces them to be a lower weight is a sign of a severe obsession with outward appearances instead of the more important parts of who a person is - their heart, brain, and soul.
I wanted to share this because I have had to experience prejudice and these jealous people who don't care the pain, utter torture, and complete terror that has come with my conditions, and are only concerned with how 'lucky' I am because I'm not overweight and lose weight very easily when I have to stop eating for a few days. It makes me sad to know that some people would rather risk death than put in time and effort to lose weight in a healthy way. I'm glad that SP gives people tools to change their lives in a healthy way instead of wanting any easier way, no matter what the cost to a person's health.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I'm worried. For weeks I've been having this weird itching pain in my hip; it started out like a tag on my clothes was itching my skin. I didn't think much of it, I'd scratch it and try to ignore it. No big deal, right? Well, it's been getting more frequent and worse, then yesterday the pain changed and today it is much worse. It is no longer an itching pain, but actually a burning pain in my side at the top of my hip bone (not in the joint, in the ilium). I have no bruise, I don't remember hitting it (it would be kind of hard as it is towards the back of my side), and I don't know what's causing it, but now it feels like it is in the bottom layer of my skin or in the bone. When I push on the area, the top of the skin doesn't hurt at all, but the bone seems to light up on fire. The more I sit, stand, or walk, the more it burns. When I bend away (stretching my side) the muscles stretch but the area of the pain is stabbing and burning. Not fun - especially since I work in an office so I do a lot of sitting, standing, bending, and moving around. Also, I don't think it would be in the muscle, as I can't do any real exercise (my medical issues make it very difficult) and spend most of my time at home sitting or laying down. So it's not like I would've pulled the muscle or overused it.
Sure, I have ideas of what it could be (all of which are pretty scary) but I don't want to scare myself by imagining the worst. Yes, I should go to the doctor, but I have no idea what doctor to see. I've found primary doctors are worthless for anything but the most basic medical issues; I have a GI doctor and an Endocrinologist, but neither would do anything about this. I need to see a neurologist, but I don't think they could help, even though it seems the more it hurts the more my leg goes numb. So I just don't know what to do. This pain is bad enough that it is making it hard to walk and when it has random hits of pain my eyes instantly well up so I guess I should get it checked out, but where do I start?
If anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate it.
Monday, August 08, 2011
I have to do some work on my house to bring it up to code - the city is forcing everyone to fix a problem with sump pumps draining into the sewers instead of outside. I've had 2 plumbers come out and give estimates - one I knew was going to be high, but that's because I want the other one to do the job. He's helped me in the past so I wanted to give him the job. Well, he came out again today and we made a plan to get the best work for the cheapest price. The city will reimburse me for half the cost, but it is still a cost I didn't need when I have problems with bills every month and have to replace my car.
Now that I have the estimates, I have to drop them off at city hall to get the okay to use the plumber I want (shouldn't even be an issue), then when I do he will pull the permits and hopefully have it done by the end of the month. Then one less thing to worry about.
There is something strange though, he seems to be trying to ask me out. Before anyone thinks about smiling, I'm not interested. He is one of 2 guys I know who seem to be about 10-15 years older than me who keep hinting at wanting to date me. I'm 30 and look like I'm maybe 21-25. I just don't want to be with someone that much older than me. And, yes this sounds bad but it's true, I'm not attracted to either one of them. I know there is much more than looks - I've never turned anyone away for how they look - but if I can't imagine kissing a guy, I don't think I would handle dating him for long. I've been single for 11 years, if I'm going to completely overhaul my life to bring someone into it, I need to have some kind of attraction to them to give me a kick in the pants to change everything in my life. They also have to fully understand that I have serious health conditions and I can't drop my life in a heap to make them happy. At the same time, I know people will say 'you need to stop being so picky', but I've dated guys in the past that I had absolutely no attraction to and I found myself distracted and sometimes disgusted with them to where I would subconsciously pick fights with them just because I couldn't stand to be around them.
It's just easier to be alone, than to have to give up who I am to be with someone I'm not interested in. But the guys I have been interested in don't seem to return the interest. Still, I have much more important things to do and worry about than to sit here constantly thinking about what I can't have and/or don't want. So, whatever.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
I don't get it. I got 7 hours of sleep last night, but today I've felt terrible all day. There were some strange dreams in my head last night, nothing exceptionally bad, but just kinda disturbing to me. That led to me having a worse than normal headache (since I can't remember a day without a headache in my life) all day. For several hours it was so bad I could barely see, but I have too much to do at work to take the day off. So I just suffered through the day.
I'm home now, had cereal for dinner, took a shower, and took the medication that knocks me out for around 12 hours. I'm going to watch a little more of the news on the couch then go to bed (if I don't totally pass out on the couch). But this headache is so bad that when I was eating 'dinner' I started coughing and nearly passed out from the quick rise in pressure through my entire head and neck. Coughing is dangerous for me because it either leads to me throwing up or blacking out. Yet with all my digestive problems it happens all the time.
Anyways, I need to finally get an appointment with a neurologist. I don't know why I keep putting it off. Probably because I just have so many bills and barely enough income to cover the basics, and now I have to get another car and do some major work on my house so I can't really afford all this.
Woah, the meds are already kicking in, so goodnight.
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