Thursday, July 14, 2011
In order to attempt to meet the work project deadline that I've been putting a ton of overtime in to try to get done, I ended up not stopping to take a break or lunch until 3:20 today at work (I'm supposed to be done at 4). By the time I finished and went to eat, I nearly blacked out. I am supposed to eat 6-10x/day so because my eating schedule was so messed up, I'm several hundred calories under my usual ~2000 a day. But I got the project done - only 3 hours late. But considering I've put in over 10 hours of overtime between last week and this week (4 hours yesterday alow, which also messed up my eating schedule), if they say anything about it being late, they had better first dicipline everyone else who took vacation over the past 2 weeks and didn't finish on time. Seriously, they really have got to stop piling so much extra work on me when I already can't do everything they've given me. Others have less work than I do and can get it done while taking days off for vacations, fake 'sick' days, and waste so much time while I'm working overtime every week just to attempt to be close to being caught up.
I'm sorry for complaining so much lately in my blogs, but considering I don't have friends, I don't have family I can (or will) talk to, and complaining at work is not going to help me at all. So I just need to blow this crap off. Plus this stress is messing with my gastroparesis, so my stomach has been hurting lately... which also means I might not be taking up the nutrients from what I'm eating. Lack of nutrients means my mind, attitude, and everything else is all over the place.
So I don't know if I'm going to the races tomorrow. People are saying I should go to hang out with coworkers, but I've already had my meal schedule screwed up every day this week, I'm totally exhausted, and tomorrow is going to be the start of a heat wave with major humidity. Being outside at a racetrack with coworkers when I can't eat anything they offer is a bad idea. Thus, if I go, it will be for only an hour or so. If I don't, oh freaking well.
Lastly, I had a reminder why it really is so bad to make your bed as soon as you get up. Everybody sweats and releases oils during the night while they're asleep. If you make the bed, then that doesn't dry out and it breeds bacteria like crazy. Well, last night I woke up around 4am completely drenched in sweat. When I stood up it was actually dripping off of me. I changed my pajamas, tossed the soaked ones at the end of the bed, and went back to sleep. At 830pm when I went to grab them to put on after I got out of the shower, they were still wet! Obviously I grabbed a different pair and tossed those in the washer. But this just goes to show why it is important to let your bed air dry and wash your sheets often!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Yesterday sucked bad (I could give a few more colorful words, but if you read last night's blog, you'll understand). Today wasn't all that much better. 7.5 hours of sleep, but I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get. One of these days I'm going to throw up from stress at work. Every day there are new problems, new issues, and more work that I just can't get done, even when I put in several hours of overtime a week. No one expected the workload I was going to have, and some people don't seem to believe it. I'm trying not to complain, but when I try to tell the boss how bad it is, she doesn't seem to understand. Whatever. I'm the only person in the team that doesn't have kids and/or a significant other to go home to, so I guess if someone has to put in a ton of overtime I'm probably the logical choice. So what if the stress can flare my gastroparesis, which flares my GERD, which flares my eosinophilic esophagitis, and all of which doesn't help my reactive hypoglycemia or type 2 diabetes.
In other news, I posted last week about the race my company's sponsored winged sprint car will be in on Fri. I wasn't going to go, but then I was going to take a friend so she can network to try to get a job in the company. Well, as I should've expected because I don't have any friends I can count on for anything, when I texted her today to say I needed to talk to her about it, she said she forgot to tell me she's not coming anymore. She's going to paint her grandma's house instead. Seriously?!?! In a few days you were told you have to do this for your grandma, you can't take a few hours to do this to try to get a job, and you just 'forgot' to tell me? So now either I go alone (yeah right) or I don't go.
(Disclaimer: the following is about people physically near me, and excludes my fellow sparkers.)
I don't get it - why is it impossible for me to find any friends I can actually count on?!?! When I was seriously ill and probably should've died from not being able to eat or drink more than the tiniest bit for a month and lost 15 lbs before my body just stopped losing weight where were all the people who said they were my friend - I don't know but none of them wanted anything to do with me. I guess me almost losing my life was too much stress for them. When I try to help someone out, I get shafted. When I ask for help, they say they will then conveniently have anything else to do, or just don't want to. And people wonder why I haven't had a best friend in over 10 years, haven't had a boyfriend in 11 years, haven't had a date in 6 years, and don't trust people... because apparently I'm not good enough for these people to care whatsoever about me. (Sarcasm - just in case you didn't catch that.) Of course, my family isn't any better.
This is also why I'd rather spend my nights at home by myself than being out with fake friends or trying to find new friends just to be burned all over again. At least I won't let myself down or use myself. And I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to spend time with myself.
Bed time. I might get 6 hours tonight so I can attempt to not fall apart under the major stress coming through the rest of the week.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Today has been TERRIBLE. There were severe storms in the area last night, so I couldn't even get to bed until 1am. After laying in bed for an hour not being able to fall asleep, I went upstairs to sleep on the couch. 4 hours later and I had to get up for work. So I turn on the tv and my dish isn't working. I call in and after 10 minutes on hold their phone system hangs up on me! I get online and attempt to chat but the chat is down! I call back and still no one will answer the phone! Apparently dish network's customer service didn't feel the need to actually serve any customers this morning. About a half hour later it suddenly starts working again (after I've sent a scathing email giving them the reasons they're about to lose me as a customer). Then I go downstairs to put on my makeup to leave for work and my bathroom lights aren't working again. There's some grounding issue in the electrical fixtures in the bathroom and the main light switch will randomly stop working - usually for just a few flips of the switch, but today it completely stopped working. So I had to make do with minimal light (and since I do the same thing every day I didn't end up looking like a clown). I get to work only a few minutes late, but within the first hour I've come across the first major issue of the day - IT hasn't been doing their job and a database I must have updated to do my job hasn't been updated at all in July, and I later found out they skipped several days in June also. The entire day was problem after problem, delay after delay, due to other people I count on not doing their job properly. I am under strict deadlines (that's what accounts payable is all about after all!) and I've been putting in a lot of overtime, but I still can't keep up. Yet several coworkers have been taking vacation time (I haven't had a full day off besides holidays since I started 7 months ago). One even had the gall to spend 10 minutes complaining about her vacation! I'm sorry that you got to take time off and had to spend it with your family at your own choice while I sat at work putting in overtime and I'm still farther behind than you! But I bit my tongue instead of saying something. I am not going to complain and have her act like I'm just trying to one-up her. She's not worth it.
Then, at the end of the day I got a text from someone I really want to punch. Last spring a friend asked to borrow money to pay rent for his family so they wouldn't get kicked out of their apartment. I had him sign loan papers but shortly after they filed for bankruptcy and said they weren't going to pay me back. But in the meantime they lied to my face saying they cared, I was going to be their new baby's godmother ("we don't know how we will afford another baby, but we figure we'll have it then figure it out."), and that they would help me while I was sick. LIES ALL LIES! A few months later they unfriended me on facebook (that wasn't the issue, it was just the final straw proving they were using me) and I texted him and they lied again, including that they didn't have the keyfob I gave them for my house (that thing costs $15, but at least I could reprogram the lock so it doesn't work anymore). Well, they've apparently had their baby and must be in trouble again, as he texted me: "I need to sit down with you and talk to you. Let me know what will work for you." With as exhausted, stressed, and frustrated as I am today I had to fight the urge to text back some choice words and say that the only thing I will talk to him about is when and where he will be handing me the money - in cash - that he owes me for the unpaid loan and a years worth of interest. But I shouldn't be arguing or talking about anything serious when I just want to curl up in a corner and cry.
So then after work I went to my endocrinologist's office. I got a call on Fri to come in for a blood draw after fasting, so I fasted Fri night and Sat late morning I went in for the draw. They didn't have orders from the doctor! I was supposed to make an appt to get the results, but since by then I wasn't sure they did anything right I went in today to find out if it was correct and set up the follow up. I get there and just get told he wanted to check my fasting blood sugar and it was fine. I could've told him that! When I don't eat, my blood sugars are fine. When you give me pure glucose I show type 2 diabetes. When I eat normal food I have reactive hypoglycemia. Hello, my name is Zebra, not Horse. Well, whatever. At least I won't have to pay for a follow up appt.
I had an appt with my therapist after that and once again, she's seriously dumbfounded with everything I go through. She's never met anyone who has as many things go wrong all at once like I do. She was overwhelmed just hearing it! Of course, it doesn't help that with the lack of sleep my mind and talking is a little on the wild side.
So then I stop at Arby's for a cheap dinner that's easy to eat. And before anyone tells me how bad fast food is, I spent a half hour staring at their nutritional info a few months ago to find what my body would accept (due to my gastroparesis) and as long as that's pretty much the last thing I eat for the day, I can deal with it. But if I came home and tried to make something I probably would've fallen asleep without eating anything at all. After I ate I laid down on the couch for a quick doze (though I was half awake still). I went downstairs to get in the shower just to be reminded that the bathroom lights don't work! I can barely stand, but what else am I going to do - I have to fix it. So out to the garage to start popping breakers, take apart the switch, move the wires around, reattach the wires and put it back in the wall, flip the breakers back, and it works again. Well, for now anyways. Got my shower in and back upstairs to finish off my night on SP while watching the news. I'll be in bed in a few minutes (or asleep on the living room floor if I can't make it down the stairs).
Yes, I realize that is one helluva rambling monologue. If you've made it this far, wow and thank you. And if anyone thinks getting enough sleep isn't important, reread all that again and know that a lack of sleep and extreme stress tends to make you ramble somewhat incoherently.
I wish I had the time, money, patience, and someone to go on vacation with me. But since I don't... good night.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I just finished reading the book How Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman, M.D. I suggest everyone read it, as it takes a layman's approach to how modern medicine is approached by the gatekeepers. It explains how easy it is for doctors to make errors, and how patients can ask questions that will help avoid these errors. There are also plenty of examples of doctors getting things right and those who got it wrong.
Considering I've been having weird symptoms my whole life and could never seem to find a doctor to take me serious or do anything but attempt to drug me to shut me up, this really showed me why so many doctors didn't seem to care or listen to me. The more problems you have, the harder it is to find a doctor who will put in the time and effort you need. Also, once one doctor has made a diagnosis, no matter how wrong it might be, many other doctors will not question it or take the time to keep looking. Therefore, as your records travel from doctor to doctor to doctor they all read them and can either choose the easy way (assume the diagnosis is correct) or they can choose the harder way (start over and see if they have the same conclusion). Since health insurance companies drive our healthcare and tell doctors they only get to spend so much time with each patient to maximize profits, they probably will go the easy route. Which leaves it up to us patients to ask questions, research what we are told and decide if it fits or not, and find ways to help doctors slow down long enough to really THINK, not act on pure instant instinct.
I spent 29 years not knowing I had gastroparesis. It wasn't until I lost the ability to eat more than the tiniest bit of food or drink only sips of water for a month that I found a doctor to take me serious (even though they wouldn't put me in the hospital as I lost 15 lbs that month). Since then I've been seeing more specialists who are also taking me seriously (as opposed to primary care doctors who hear me walk in and only see a horse, refusing to realize that I'm a zebra). Now my diagnoses are racking up quickly. If this had been caught when I was younger, I might not have the problems I have now. Knowing what I know now, I have always had suspicious symptoms that match gastroparesis.
I'm thinking about buying a copy of this book and taking it with me to see certain doctors, specifically my primary. I want them to know that I'm not some idiot looking for attention or a hypochondriac who will take up their time for nothing. I'm smarter than they give me credit for and obviously I'm not a 'typical' case, so to figure out what's going on we must work as a team.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
In yesterday's blog, I talked about not going to an event my company is doing. Well, today the corporate office had our monthly meeting and I realized that there is going to be a lot of people there that I don't really know and haven't talked to. It would be a good chance to talk to those people. But moreso, I've been trying to find a job for a friend of mine to apply for in the company - she applied for one a few weeks back but she hasn't heard anything. So I'm going to take her with me and let her network a bit - talk to people and see what happens. I'm going to plan on only going for an hour or two, depending on how I feel - plus I will eat before I go and have a few snacks in the car so when I leave I can eat something right away. I don't have a great feeling about it, but I want to help my friend. I might regret it though.
I got a phone call out of the blue today from my endocrinologist's office. He wants me to come in for more bloodwork. I can only hope that he came up with an idea about what's going wrong in my body. So in a few minutes I'm going to be fasting until I get my blood drawn at 11:20 am. At least I get to sleep in! Though I'm wondering what he's looking for, or if he's just looking for any significant changes.
Work has been crazy. I have so much work and so not enough time. I keep putting in overtime (especially in the first 2 weeks of the month) yet they keep giving me more work, when I know others could definitely take on more. But I'm not going to complain. I'm not going to say I can't do it. I give it my all, do everything I can, and if that isn't enough, then the boss can tell me. When I was still there an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave tonight, my boss commented about it. (I left with her, after 2 hours of overtime.) So I gave her an update and pointed out how many vendors I'm actually doing, then said it was better that I put in the time this week instead of waiting until next week and pushing to get everything done. It's better because this week I don't get time and a half (due to the 4th of July) and next week I will. She said it wasn't better for me, I said it was better for the company. She didn't really have an answer for that. Well, I'm not staying late to make extra money (though I really could use it to cover medical bills, replace my car, and to rip apart part of my house to bring it to code so I don't get fined by the city - tyvm previous owners! grr). I'm staying late to get the work done... well, closer to done that is.
If it's not one thing it's another, right? I get the feeling that if I had just one week of no stress I'd probably implode.
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