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Okay, so I changed my mind

Saturday, July 09, 2011

In yesterday's blog, I talked about not going to an event my company is doing. Well, today the corporate office had our monthly meeting and I realized that there is going to be a lot of people there that I don't really know and haven't talked to. It would be a good chance to talk to those people. But moreso, I've been trying to find a job for a friend of mine to apply for in the company - she applied for one a few weeks back but she hasn't heard anything. So I'm going to take her with me and let her network a bit - talk to people and see what happens. I'm going to plan on only going for an hour or two, depending on how I feel - plus I will eat before I go and have a few snacks in the car so when I leave I can eat something right away. I don't have a great feeling about it, but I want to help my friend. I might regret it though.

I got a phone call out of the blue today from my endocrinologist's office. He wants me to come in for more bloodwork. I can only hope that he came up with an idea about what's going wrong in my body. So in a few minutes I'm going to be fasting until I get my blood drawn at 11:20 am. At least I get to sleep in! Though I'm wondering what he's looking for, or if he's just looking for any significant changes.

Work has been crazy. I have so much work and so not enough time. I keep putting in overtime (especially in the first 2 weeks of the month) yet they keep giving me more work, when I know others could definitely take on more. But I'm not going to complain. I'm not going to say I can't do it. I give it my all, do everything I can, and if that isn't enough, then the boss can tell me. When I was still there an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave tonight, my boss commented about it. (I left with her, after 2 hours of overtime.) So I gave her an update and pointed out how many vendors I'm actually doing, then said it was better that I put in the time this week instead of waiting until next week and pushing to get everything done. It's better because this week I don't get time and a half (due to the 4th of July) and next week I will. She said it wasn't better for me, I said it was better for the company. She didn't really have an answer for that. Well, I'm not staying late to make extra money (though I really could use it to cover medical bills, replace my car, and to rip apart part of my house to bring it to code so I don't get fined by the city - tyvm previous owners! grr). I'm staying late to get the work done... well, closer to done that is.

If it's not one thing it's another, right? I get the feeling that if I had just one week of no stress I'd probably implode.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOM2ACAT 7/9/2011 6:41PM

    I hope the event goes well and that you feel well while you are there.

Hope the blood tests show something helpful!

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To go, or not to go isn't really the question I guess

Thursday, July 07, 2011

My company sponsors a race team (not a Nascar style car, a winged sprint car), and the team is going to be at a nearby race track next Friday. My company is offering a pair of tickets for free for any employee that wants to go. I want to go, but I have no one to go with me, I don't want to go alone (watching a race from the stands isn't much fun by yourself), and it will mess up my eating. The race starts at 7 and I highly doubt the concessions stands will have anything I can actually eat (tyvm GP! grr), so even if I eat early, I would spend several hours not eating, just to come home and shove in more food before going to bed.

That's one of the things I dislike most about gastroparesis - I always feel like it is too hard to go anywhere or do anything, especially when it is going to last all evening and I can't take my own food, so I feel totally isolated. I wish I could go back to eating nachos and hot dogs and burgers and popcorn and all that junk food; or at least that I could 'cheat' for one night. But doing that will cause a GP flare and could prevent me from eating for days after (FYI for those who don't know). So I don't go out with friends (well, if I had any left), I don't date (not like I get asked out though), and I don't travel (not like I have the money anyways).

I'm frustrated right now. I know there should be ways for me to do what I want, BUT when I try, the consequences suck. If I had people to spend time with who actually cared about me and were willing to accept that I need to do things differently, maybe I would do things.

So I'm going to just stay home. I'll spend a relaxing evening in my house, not having to worry about driving, parking, too much walking, not enough eating, and being around a lot of people while I'm alone. I have plenty of movies on my dvr I need to watch, so I'll do that instead.


4th of July

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

How I 'celebrated' the 4th of July:

- Finished the rest of the laundry I didn't get to yesterday.
- That included stripping my bed, washing the sheets, and remaking the bed.
- Went to see Monte Carlo down the street. I wanted to walk the 3 mile round trip, but it was just too dang hot and humid and considering movie theaters are always FREEZING cold, I would've had to carry a change of clothes. So I drove there, wearing jeans and carrying 2 hoodies (and I needed both to keep from shivering!). It's a sweet movie with some fun laughs - a woman of any age should go see it and live vicariously for 2 hours. Katie Cassidy is incredible in her part and Sel Gomez is just amazing, playing 2 different characters (though the annoying one you don't see all that much).
- I also watched a couple movies at home while doing other things. (I'm trying to finish one up right now before heading to bed, since there are 3-4 places nearby that are setting off illegal fireworks at midnight and I can't sleep with loud noises going on.)

Of course, I also did what the day was meant for - I took a minute or two, several times today, to remember why this holiday exists. This is not a day to explode the biggest illegal fireworks in an attempt to prove how great one person is (firework injuries happen - a few years back my uncle had a bottle rocket fly into, and explode inside, his eye). This is not about hot dog eating contests or stuffing yourself full of every comfort food and dessert you can imagine. Instead, this day is about being grateful for the sacrifices our forefathers willingly gave so their descendants could have freedoms they couldn't enjoy. This is about supporting the sacrifices of those currently working to keep our freedoms, as well as their families. This is about not taking our democracy for granted.

I hope everyone had a good day and took a few minutes to be grateful.

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Too much cleaning delayed my dinner

Monday, July 04, 2011

I spent about 4 hours today doing some cleaning. I don't know how it goes on so long without me realizing how much time went by! I do not like cleaning. But once I get started, I just go and go and don't want to stop. Tonight I was extremely late eating dinner (very bad for my GP) - didn't eat from about 530 until 1030. But I wanted to finish what I was doing before 10 pm because when living in a townhouse there are quiet hours. If I had stopped for dinner, I wouldn't finished.

I didn't nearly enough done, so I will be doing more tomorrow. As long as I can get out of bed that is! If the jerks that live around me don't stop shooting off illegal fireworks I might just go crazy! I couldn't fall asleep last night (I was awake at 430 am when my paper was dropped off) and had to sleep in the living room because the longer I was in my bed the more awake I became. Now it is almost midnight and there are loud explosions not far away. Honestly, I have to wonder who ever thought up the phrase 'Minnesota nice', because it is the most ridiculous thing ever. 10% nice, 50% uncaring, and 40% wanting to hurt others is not good. But as SunnyBunny says, I digress.

I hope everyone (in America of course) is enjoying their 3 day weekend for 4th of July. Plan your meals in advance instead of going back to the huge spread multiple times and instead use the day to remember the reasons we have the holiday - celebrate our military, celebrate our freedom, and celebrate our will power to do what needs to be done.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOM2ACAT 7/4/2011 3:34PM

    There were people shooting off illegal fireworks in my neighborhood last night, made it hard for me to fall asleep.

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MADYANKEE 7/4/2011 2:12AM

    I had just pulled up the notification that all fireworks are banned here including sparklers for the Fourth because of the quarter of a million acres that have been burnt recently, when bang wheeeeee. rocket fireworks being set off about 50 feet from my bedroom window.
I probably sound like a bitter person but we couldn't even breathe around here until not quite a week ago. I wish they would use their heads, it is so dangerous.
I clean like you do by the way. This morning I went to clean a 12 inch square tile hotplate and ended up doing the kitchen including floor and cabinets. lol
Well anyhow have a great holiday and hope you do something besides clean. Enjoy yourself a little.

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KAYE454 7/4/2011 1:26AM

  Yes I know what you are talking about you are saying about not being able to sleep because of fireworks Amen for America's freedom

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And I keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Yes, I am a 30yo who listens to Selena Gomez. That is from the 2nd single (coming soon I believe) from her new album (released yesterday); the song is called "I Love You Like a Love Song". The first time I heard it I wasn't sure I liked it, but Oh My Cas (SPN fans are chuckling) that part just keeps going through my brain and out my mouth over and over again!

At the same time, it makes me think of something I don't like about myself. I know a lot of other people have this problem too, so I know I'm not alone - but I can't seem to break myself of the habit. See, I'm far from perfect and anyone who thinks otherwise just has no idea. I screw up plenty often, especially when I'm talking. Somehow I tend to phrase things in ways that others totally misconstrue what I was trying to say. I can restate it over and over to get them to understand, but once they think I'm saying something they don't want to hear, they don't listen when I attempt to clarify. Yet I can't seem to shut my mouth, and if I think first then I don't say anything at all because I go through so many possibilities I run out of time before I decide how to word it. Plus the longer I fumble with how to word it, the more the person thinks I'm stupid and worthless. Thus, when I screw up and can't fix it, make it worse when I try to fix it, or know I just totally ripped my head off and feel the complete idiot, whatever I said (or sometimes did) repeats in my head over and over for years and decades. It feels like utter torture to constantly want to go back and fix it and know I never can, and no matter how hard I try to forget it, I just can't.

Well this flaw in myself has been bugging me more and more lately. I've even been having dreams that wind around this problem, and when I wake up I feel deeply sad. But before anyone goes to the 'see a therapist' statement, I have one and she has run out of ways to help - yet she's done more for me than any other ever has and way more than the doctors who would rather overdose me on meds to shut me up then help me. I'm just putting this out there to see if anyone else who has/had this problem might have any advice they can give me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIDJ1 6/30/2011 11:38AM

    I am much the same way, even with my post, so I at times seem very rude for not responding to things. It just takes so long to form my response that most people have moved on to other things by the time I have it right.

Some things I have learned over the years. Most people aren't as worried about it as I am. They say what they want and if you take it wrong that is your problem not theirs. The people who love and care about me don't automatically take offense, if they don't agree they will let me know and it often opens up a discussion but not with hurt feeling involved. Most everyone sees me as very shy and introverted, but I just don't open up easily if I don't know and trust the person. The two hardest things I struggle with is remembering the ones that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter and what haunts me for years is something that the other person has forgotten in days if not minutes after it happened.

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1STATEOFDENIAL 6/29/2011 9:59PM

    I can try it again. I have in the past and it turned out worse because they mistook the laughter for laughing at them or me thinking what had happened was funny when it wasn't. But that was probably in school when nothing was going to make it better.

Thanks. Next time it isn't a serious error I'll do my best to try to laugh then correct.

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HANKENSTEIN 6/29/2011 9:53PM

    have you considered just learning to laugh at yourself? seriously, if you could laugh when you screw up the syntax and realize it, it suddenly is comical and not an issue at all.

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