Sunday, May 15, 2011
Plumber came out very early this morning - he was here at 8am. For me, on a Sat, that's just too stinking early! But whatever, my sink needed to be fixed. It took about an hour and he had to replace several of the pipes under my sink. About $200 later, my sink is fixed. It wasn't a tough job, but I couldn't have done it myself. So I have to accept the $200 and move on. But the fact that I'm a single female who had a plumber come to my house and he didn't try to massively overcharge me or come up with lots of other things to do for me, I think I found a decent company to work with. Yet, forgive me if I'm not in a hurry to see them again soon. It sucks that the previous owner was playing at plumbing, screwed it up seriously, and made me have to shell out money to fix his obvious shortcomings. But again, nothing I can do about it so whatever.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I was washing up some dishes and felt water dripping on my bare toes. Nothing was dripping over the edge of the sink so I opened up the cupboard under the sink to find water pouring out of the pipes under the sink. Whoever installed the garbage disposal was an idiot. They never attached the pipes to the disposal output! They pushed it on and expected it to just stay there! Years of the disposal running cause it to not only come loose, but to weaken the rest of the pvc pipes.
So now I have to get a plumber out here to replace the pipes. I really shouldn't be taking off work (I've been putting in around 2 hours of overtime a week for the last 6 weeks, so how could I have time to take off?) but unless I'm going to pay for an emergency call, what else can I do?
People don't believe that I have an unending string of crappy things happen to me over and over again my entire life. Not until they actually know me and pay attention do they realize I wasn't kidding and if they had to deal with what I do, they would never handle it (especially since I tend to face the world alone because people don't want to be around me for more than a few months or years). My therapist (which people who don't know me keep telling me I should see, as if that would change anything) is at a complete loss as to how to help me, as I can't even handle one thing before two, three, or four more things come along and knock me out. Every time I see her I have some new crappy as heck thing to tell her and she is wearing thin from it. But after seeing her for just a few months she figured out that I was serious about never being able to catch a breath.
So right now I'm strugging to pay medical bills, my car is in desperate need of being replaced, and now I have to pay for a plumber. Forget having any savings, at this point I can barely keep up with the necessary bills! Of course, since I'm single with no kids and a job, no matter how bad my health and no matter how bad my struggles, I have yet to find any help out there. I can't even find a guy to date to even get something as simple as a hug when I need it.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I swear, as more and more days pass the worse and worse I feel. 24 days left until I turn 30 - which feels like utter failure in more ways than I could explain. I'm finding as the it gets closer the emotional pain just keeps growing. Doesn't help that 30 is supposed to be an important birthday and not only do I have no plans, I have no one to even celebrate with. Plus I can't even go out for a nice dinner (gastroparesis strikes again). I haven't had a good birthday ever. Every single year something goes wrong and usually I end up sobbing and just wanting to be alone. One year I locked myself in my room and if anyone said happy birthday I literally cussed them out. At the rate this is going, that might happen again.
In addition, ever since I've been put on a high dose of vitamin D I just feel worse and worse and worse. I can't explain it and neither can my doctor (he thinks it isn't related in any way). But I have no idea what to do about it. It is getting harder and harder to sleep and I wake up feeling worse every morning and I go through the day with a massive headache in addition to the regular stresses of my life and job. I desperately want a vacation, but I don't have the money and considering I'm putting in around 2 hours of overtime a week as it is, I can't take leave from work right now. Besides, I don't know where I'd go and it isn't fun going on vacation alone.
As for the tickets I've been desperate to win... epic fail. Yeah, why did I think I had a chance?
I dvr'd Chaz Bono's interview on Oprah yesterday and just got to watch it. He said that if the soul isn't doing what it should be doing in life, then the person will always have a nagging feeling of things being wrong. When he made his transition he felt right and he feels better within his life. It made me think... I've always felt like I had no right to be alive, or that somehow if I could just remove my emotions I might be able to be comfortable in my life. (No, I'm not hinting that I want to become a man.) Every hope I've had for myself has been destroyed. So if I'm supposed to be alive for some reason, that I have something I need to do here, why do I have absolutely no idea what that is? Why has 30 years been wasted in mediocrity and pain, having no drive or focus towards something worthwhile and achieveable? So if my soul isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing, how in the heck am I supposed to figure out what I should be doing?
Please don't say "God will show you the way." Don't say "God works in mysterious ways" or "Prayer will bring your answer." Every time I have tried to follow the path of religion I feel horrible and dirty and wrong. Because if I have learned anything from organized religion it is that anyone who doesn't completely subscribe to it will be considered evil and thrown out. I have my own beliefs, based upon my experience in the world. My experience is the more I ask for help, the more I ask to get anything, the less I will get and the harder it will be to keep what I have. (Perhaps I need my own Castiel in a trenchcoat.)
Monday, May 09, 2011
Let me explain before you go into shock at the title. There are several reasons that mother's day makes me cringe.
First, I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was probably 5-6 years old, and it is the number 1 goal I've always had. Unfortunately, my life has made it nearly impossible - due to health reasons and an inability to find a guy who will treat me like I'm even a human being, let alone with any form of caring. I turn 30 next month and with the medical problems I have combined with the fact that having your first child after 35 raises risks of birth defects and health problems (the risk raises exponentially after 40) means that at this point, it would probably be irresponsible for me to have a child. Which makes me feel like my life is a complete waste; mother's day just intensifies that feeling.
Second, I am more often than not completely disgusted by my own mother. She has had mental issues her entire life but refuses to get treated. Instead, she is a hypocondriac who brings on health problems partly by sheer will and partly by her apparent complete inability to listen to any sound advice: eat right (she has diabetes and still doesn't follow the proper diet), exercise (she has every excuse in the book and a half dozen more as to why even walking for exercise is too much), get help for her drinking problem (she says that's the only way to live with herself), and stop blaming everyone else for what she does to herself (she blames her family for diabetes and breast cancer, when there is no family history and no genetic link). There is a difference between being stuck in your ways and being so desperate for attention that you will mentally and emotionally harm everyone around you just to get their attention - because no matter how much attention you give her, it is never enough.
Third (in addition to the second), my mother has emotionally, mentally, and physically harmed me every chance she's had since I was an infant. I'm having to attempt to fix how badly I'm screwed up, yet she is now using that against me as well. Now that she's showing the early signs of dimentia (and instead of seeking help, she started screaming that she has brain cancer and no one cares), she tells me I'm a horrible person every time she nags and bugs and presses me for why I dislike her so much until I give in and tell her something she has done to me at some point in my life that seriously harmed me. Yet, since she can't remember it (who wants to remember beating their child or telling them that they're worthless), she then screams and throws a tantrum that I'm a terrible person for saying it, thinking it, and especially for believing that she - the best mother in the world - could have hurt me. It then becomes my fault for saying something like that just to hurt her. Considering when I was in the midst of hell while the doctors were figuring out numerous diganoses (including gastroparesis), whenever she drove me around and I didn't give her directions exactly the way her GPS does, she claimed I was abusing her.
So after a few weeks of her stressing me out to the point where I can't even properly manage my own doctor appointments, diet, and work, I've decided I will not be talking to her for several months. That was a couple weeks ago. I did not call her today, nor did I pick up the phone when she called me. She is probably screaming at my father about it, but I am choosing to put myself before her (one of the rare times I have done that - at about 4 years old I comforted her while she was crying after spanking me until I couldn't sit down - because she was angry not because I did anything wrong). I will not be going to visit them for my birthday next month. Shortly after that my father, sister, brother-in-law, and a few others will be riding their recumbent bikes from WI to WA for 2 months, and I definitely will not be near my mother without my father there.
Call me heartless, call me an ungrateful daughter, call me whatever you will. I am trying to make peace with the fact that no matter how much I try, I can't completely get my mother out of my life - but I can no longer deal with her trying to drag me down to her level or treat me like the only reason I'm alive is for her to take her problems out on me. I have more than enough to deal with within myself.
I have no need for sympathy or pity. The past is what it is, now I have to adjust my future to something I can live with. I just wanted to put this out there as an explanation for why saying or typing "happy mother's day" fills me with anger.
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