Monday, May 09, 2011
Let me explain before you go into shock at the title. There are several reasons that mother's day makes me cringe.
First, I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was probably 5-6 years old, and it is the number 1 goal I've always had. Unfortunately, my life has made it nearly impossible - due to health reasons and an inability to find a guy who will treat me like I'm even a human being, let alone with any form of caring. I turn 30 next month and with the medical problems I have combined with the fact that having your first child after 35 raises risks of birth defects and health problems (the risk raises exponentially after 40) means that at this point, it would probably be irresponsible for me to have a child. Which makes me feel like my life is a complete waste; mother's day just intensifies that feeling.
Second, I am more often than not completely disgusted by my own mother. She has had mental issues her entire life but refuses to get treated. Instead, she is a hypocondriac who brings on health problems partly by sheer will and partly by her apparent complete inability to listen to any sound advice: eat right (she has diabetes and still doesn't follow the proper diet), exercise (she has every excuse in the book and a half dozen more as to why even walking for exercise is too much), get help for her drinking problem (she says that's the only way to live with herself), and stop blaming everyone else for what she does to herself (she blames her family for diabetes and breast cancer, when there is no family history and no genetic link). There is a difference between being stuck in your ways and being so desperate for attention that you will mentally and emotionally harm everyone around you just to get their attention - because no matter how much attention you give her, it is never enough.
Third (in addition to the second), my mother has emotionally, mentally, and physically harmed me every chance she's had since I was an infant. I'm having to attempt to fix how badly I'm screwed up, yet she is now using that against me as well. Now that she's showing the early signs of dimentia (and instead of seeking help, she started screaming that she has brain cancer and no one cares), she tells me I'm a horrible person every time she nags and bugs and presses me for why I dislike her so much until I give in and tell her something she has done to me at some point in my life that seriously harmed me. Yet, since she can't remember it (who wants to remember beating their child or telling them that they're worthless), she then screams and throws a tantrum that I'm a terrible person for saying it, thinking it, and especially for believing that she - the best mother in the world - could have hurt me. It then becomes my fault for saying something like that just to hurt her. Considering when I was in the midst of hell while the doctors were figuring out numerous diganoses (including gastroparesis), whenever she drove me around and I didn't give her directions exactly the way her GPS does, she claimed I was abusing her.
So after a few weeks of her stressing me out to the point where I can't even properly manage my own doctor appointments, diet, and work, I've decided I will not be talking to her for several months. That was a couple weeks ago. I did not call her today, nor did I pick up the phone when she called me. She is probably screaming at my father about it, but I am choosing to put myself before her (one of the rare times I have done that - at about 4 years old I comforted her while she was crying after spanking me until I couldn't sit down - because she was angry not because I did anything wrong). I will not be going to visit them for my birthday next month. Shortly after that my father, sister, brother-in-law, and a few others will be riding their recumbent bikes from WI to WA for 2 months, and I definitely will not be near my mother without my father there.
Call me heartless, call me an ungrateful daughter, call me whatever you will. I am trying to make peace with the fact that no matter how much I try, I can't completely get my mother out of my life - but I can no longer deal with her trying to drag me down to her level or treat me like the only reason I'm alive is for her to take her problems out on me. I have more than enough to deal with within myself.
I have no need for sympathy or pity. The past is what it is, now I have to adjust my future to something I can live with. I just wanted to put this out there as an explanation for why saying or typing "happy mother's day" fills me with anger.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Hundreds of phone calls to the radio station, a tank of gas to events giving away the tickets, and still I can't win. Yeah, winning contests isn't easy. Yeah, just because I really want these tickets since it is my friends who are direct support doesn't mean they should just be handed to me. But when half of the people who won didn't even know what they won or know who the bands are it is a real kick in the teeth. If you don't know what you're going to win, don't freaking sign up and take it away from those who really want it. If you don't know a single song by any of the bands, why are you signing up to go to a concert you might hate?
I've tried every trick I can think of: at the drawings I did weird folds, I've tried different timings for calling in, I've asked for a little divine intervention, I've wished on my necklace clasp, etc. Yet apparently I'm just not meant to be at this show.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
6 more chances down, still no tickets. The last place only had a couple people entered (1st drawing probably 10-15, 2nd probably 15-20) and I still couldn't get it. GAH!
I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not supposed to be there. It's making me sad.
Friday, May 06, 2011
I went out tonight to try to win tickets to see Lifehouse and my friends Quietdrive in concert. The only way in is to win them from the radio station sponsoring it. 6 tries in 4 hours between 3 bars and I didn't win (it is a simple drawing). I need an infusion of luck if I'm gunna make it to this show. I have 6 chances between 3 bars tomorrow, then possibly 4 chances between 2 bars on Saturday (but those two are really far apart so it will be tough).
I'm late getting to bed, so that's all I'm posting for now.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
I saw my endocrinologist again today. He admitted that I have him completely confused so he doesn't know what to do. I seem to have reactive hypoglycemia and type 2 diabetes (which are opposite conditions) but every test he has run to figure out what is causing it or how to correct it has come back normal (I have no risk factors for diabetes by the way). He had diagnosed me with type 2 diabetes 2 weeks ago, but he's now removed that diagnosis because it makes no sense because the only sign of it is my 3 hour glucose tolerance test showed my insulin was through the roof and yet my glucose stayed high for 3 hours, but plummeted to hypoglycemia a few hours later. Yet 2 weeks of testing my blood sugar at random intervals during the day, tracking when I ate and what my numbers were, showed reactive hypoglycemia (my glucose returned to normal within 30-60 minutes and dropped too low several times over the 2 weeks).
I'm staying on the mega dose of vitamin D for a few months then I'll see him again in September to check my blood glucose again and a few other things. In the meantime, he's going to share my case with a few colleagues because he can't figure me out!
So my next step is a neurologist to attempt to figure out why I've had headaches every day for as long as I can remember and why I'm having numbness in my fingers and problems with my legs going numb and lifeless (no, this has nothing to do with diabetes - please reread the first paragraph if you're thinking that). I also am hoping to pick his/her brain about his/her knowledge of the vagus nerve.
I'm working on paying off over $1500 in medical bills from the last 2 months. My insurance will start paying part of the bills now, but I'll still have bills coming in. Once I've got these paid off (hopefully by the end of the month or sometime next month) I really need to go buy a new (used) car. I think I know what I'm going to get, but I definitely can't afford a car payment and medical bills.
Work has me ragged lately - I keep putting in little bits of overtime and the boss is starting to question it. Well, it has to get done and she said I could work some overtime, plus no one realized how much work our new acquisition was going to be. So now I have to figure out how to cut back on the overtime and still get it done. (As much as I'm not liking putting in the extra time at work, the few bucks extra on each paycheck is definitely a good thing!)
I'm debating going out to a couple bars the next few nights in an attempt to win concert tickets. My friends Quietdrive are direct support for Lifehouse at a radio station promotional show, and the only way to get into the show is to win the tickets. I've been trying for 2 months and I've had no luck at all.
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