1STATEOFDENIAL   128,287
SparkPoints
100,000 or more SparkPoints
 
 
1STATEOFDENIAL's Recent Blog Entries

You've got every right to a beautiful life

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the worth of our potential, of ourselves. Every now and again, we come across something that reminds us of this. If you haven't heard this song yet, I hope you give it a listen; if you've heard it but dismissed it because of who sings it, please give it a chance.

Who Says emoticon

I wouldn't want to be anybody else

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It's like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

Who says
Who says you're not start potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test im cool
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

(Written by Emanuel Kiriakou & Priscilla Hamilton)
(Performed by Selena Gomez and The Scene)


Lately I've been feeling like the pack animal who was left behind because it was sick and was threatening the safety of the group. I was also recently reminded of this weird vibe that surrounds me... I can't explain it, but there is something about me that makes many guys think they have a right to physically hurt me or at very least just use me, and makes many women either hate me on sight or be so intimidated by me that they come to despise me and want me out of their territory. I dont understand it and I dont know why, and when I've tried to ask someone why they acted they way they did, or why someone was so intimidated by me, no one has had any form of an answer.

Even with all that, sometimes - just sometimes - I still want to try to be the person I wish I could be. With all the crappy medical stuff going on, it is a serious doubt that I could be who I wish I was, but that doesn't mean I deserve all this, or all the crap that has been thrown at me my entire life. Listening to this song, I'm hearing things I haven't heard from the people in my life that should be saying these things. So it is reminding me that just because some people believe I'm not an actual human being and don't deserve any rights - including the right to live - doesn't mean that I AM any less human than anyone else and that I DO have every right to a beautiful life. I just have to find ways to remind myself of that now and again. I hope all my sparkfriends take some time now and again to remind themselves of how much they are worth.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/28/2011 2:53PM

    You are beautiful & you do deserve a beautiful life!!!
Chin up- you are worth it!
And, despite the crappy medical stuff- our lives will go on & we CAN BE anything we want!!
Don't ever forget that you are extremely special - one of a kind - and don't ever let anyone- anyone at all- take your soul, your spirit away!!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOM2ACAT 3/26/2011 5:55PM

    Well said! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHARIJERRY 3/25/2011 10:32PM

  I heard this song on the Ellen show - and loved it

You deserve an awesome life - hold your head up high -

Report Inappropriate Comment


Glucose tolerance appt set up

Thursday, March 24, 2011

New general practioner doctor listened and seemed to follow my logic for what's going on. She said there wasn't any tests she could think of doing that my endocrinologist won't be doing.

Made the appointment for the glucose tolerance test on 4/2. I thought it was going to be this Sat, but oh well. I asked and it sounds like he's planning on running every test he can think of. I hope so - I want to know what the heck is going on!!!

My gastroparesis flared just a little today. Couldn't think of why, until I came home and for the 2nd night in a row had to chop away snow and ice from my driveway. Now I know why. ugh But figured out something interesting: when my GP is flaring, I don't have such major blood glucose crashes; when my GP is not affecting me, I have huge crashes. Makes sense I guess, but seriously, come on! I either can't eat or I crash every single time I eat! grr So I scheduled a massage for Monday night, to hopefully clear up the GP so I can have some really major crashes during the glucose testing. Considering it seems the crashes are getting worse, I'm wondering if I will actually pass out during the test. If it means they get the information they need, and can run all the tests that your glucose has to be under 50 to run, then so be it. But considering I was awake, alert, and driving when it was at 36, I'm wondering how low it would have to get for me to actually pass out.

Glad tomorrow is Friday - though my boss is going to be gone tomorrow and Monday... which means the woman who has taken it upon herself to waste part of her day policing everything I do will be bothering me all day. But if my boss isn't there, then she won't be keeping me late to talk when I'm trying to leave (Mon, Tues, and Weds I stayed late because she was talking to me, today I had to keep reminding her that I had to leave in a few minutes).

G'night!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/28/2011 3:01PM

    Hope your tests goes well & that they can find out what else is going on with you & hopefully get you on the path to health. :)

Report Inappropriate Comment


Annoyed, but hoping tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

More issues at work... Sorry to all the women out there (especially here at women-dominated SP), but when you work with all women - who all PMS at the same time - it really tests your patience and anger level. Put a bunch of women into the same area and they will be catty, petty, and become tattle-tales. I did nothing wrong but I'm being policed every morning by one woman who has deemed herself the boss for the first 2 hours of the morning before our boss gets there. Glass and stones, woman, glass and stones.

Otherwise, I had a nice lunch today with a guy from work. He sorta seemed to hint that he would date me, but I'm not interested. Though, he could be a cool friend so that's what I'm aiming for.

Some parts of MN got a foot of snow today - about a hour south of that, I got about 3" - on top of 1/4" of ice. So not fun! All winter I've been asking myself why I chose to live here - I have no answer but I can't move for another 1 1/2 - 2 years (first time homebuyer credit).

So in the meantime, I'm off to bed. Let's hope tomorrow will be better!

  


Endocrinologist appointment today

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

After finding out about my hypoglycemia yesterday, I called an endocrinologist office today. I found one in the same building, same floor as my GI doctor, so I thought I'd give them a shot (since they're close to work and home). I got an appointment for 5pm. So just before I left work I ate a gala apple with some reduced fat peanut butter... and just what I was expecting, by the time I was checking in at my appointment an hour later, my blood sugar was crashing. I swear it is getting worse every time. I actually had trouble talking with the nurse it was so bad. Since the doctor was running behind, she said I could lay down on the exam table and if I fell asleep he would wake me up. I didn't fall asleep, but I did close my eyes and focus on my breathing to calm my rapid heartbeat and tremors.

They didn't take any blood or do any tests, but the doctor sat and talked to me for quite awhile. He honestly seemed to care and took interest in everything I said. When I told him what happened with my primary care doctor, he was appalled. He said they try to take a hollistic approach and help the whole person, not just run a few tests and then send you away. Anything I mentioned that could have given him any extra information he asked for more information about. He asked about my parents, my life, traumas in my past, everything. Though what stuck with me most is that he wanted to know my cat's name, how to spell it, and put it in his computer to remember it. That said so much to me. Plus he gave me homework: he said that when so many things go wrong in our lives, we forget that there are a few good things - he wants me to spend some time every night with my cat thinking about those few good things. I already try to do this, but I appreciate him reminding me.

So I have to call in tomorrow (everyone else was gone by the time we finished) and make an appointment for this Sat (I believe it was this Sat - they're open every other Sat) to get a 3 hour glucose reaction test done, then I will see him again at the end of the week. I hope so much that this will give him some much needed information.

Today I had about 7-8 hypoglycemic crashes. Now that I know that it wasn't just me being overtired or low on calories that made me feel like this, now I'm watching for the symptoms. But it is also now scaring me. I had breakfast at 6:20-6:50am, and by the time I got to work at 7:30am I was already crashing the first time. It seems incredibly dangerous to be driving and working through this, but I have no other viable choice. I wish I wasn't this difficult. I wish I had found a doctor willing to help sooner. I wish... but that doesn't make it happen.

Going to bed a little early tonight so I can try to get moving a little earlier in the morning because of the snowstorm going through MN tonight and tomorrow. The morning rush hour will suck horribly.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/23/2011 5:07PM

    Sounds like you found a really great doctor. :)
Hope you're able to get alot of answers and help to get you on the right path to healing & feeling better soon.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOM2ACAT 3/23/2011 4:35PM

    I'm glad you found someone caring that listens and sounds like he genuinely wants to help you.

Report Inappropriate Comment


News from last week's tests

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Once again I ran out of time in my day to type out a decent blog. So I will be trying to make this quick.

My GI doctor did some simple blood tests on Thursday and I called today to find out that I am hypoglycemic - about 2 hours after eating an apple, my blood sugar was 36 (should be 65-99). Of course, this was too much work for so many other doctors to do in the last few weeks to find this out. ugh Apparently needing 2500 calories a day to maintain a weight not much above underweight is normal!

Not sure what this means, but it is a step in the right direction - the primary doctor can eat it because this is obviously not just stress. This is me being maltreated by yet another doctor. Why can't I find a doctor with a heart and who abides by the oath to first do no harm?

So I'm seeing a new general practice doctor this Thursday to see if there are any other tests to be run before heading to an endocrinologist and a neurologist. Considering the primary care doctor is the one who is supposed to be running blood tests and other diagnostic screenings before resorting to a specialist, this is just ridiculous. What is the point of having a primary doctor when they don't do anything but throw medication at you and tell you you're stressed?

Other quick notes, my washer died just over a week ago - luckily it was during the last load (I only do laundry about 1x/1-2 months). My father came up for all of last week and my parents helped out by giving me a 3 month early birthday gift to help me buy a new washer, which was delivered on Saturday. While my father was here, we went looking at cars, since mine needs to be replaced. Still working on narrowing the field, but once I choose a make/model and a few other things, my bank (credit union) offers a free service of having a personal car buyer who will track down what you want, negotiate the price, find the best trade-in deal, get it into town to check it out and purchase it. That will be a HUGE help once I can choose what car to get.

Spring is coming, though both too soon and not soon enough. Minnesota is about to become a huge flood zone, and we have more rain and snow coming this week. I might have to have my father come back up with his boat so I can get to work. ugh

  


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 Last Page