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Sucky weekend

Monday, March 28, 2011

This weekend sucked. I completely lacked energy (yesterday if I spent 5 minutes off the couch I was close to passing out from exhaustion). Today I was able to finish my state taxes and prepare them to mail in tomorrow, as well as load/run/unload the dishwasher and I just cooked an actual dinner (hamburger helper w/ lean ground chicken is an actual dinner for me right now) for the first time in a week. I am so sick of having to use every ounce of my energy at work then coming home and wanting to just pass out.

Tomorrow night I get a massage to ease the current mild GP flare so I can have a few days of plowing through mountains of food until I have my glucose tolerance test on Saturday. I'm really worried what is going to happen this week, as when my GP is not flaring the hypoglycemia is getting worse almost daily. My mother offered to come up to take me to the appointment (since the test will probably really do me in) - I kinda want her to come up for the week. Unfortunately, my mother only makes things worse - she makes EVERYTHING about her and then stresses me out to the point where I start shutting down completely - physically and mentally. My father can't come up this weekend because he will be fishing, so I really don't know what other choice I have. The worst part about being me and being sick is that friends don't stay in my life and my family isn't too good, so I have no support system.

So I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best this week.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOM2ACAT 3/28/2011 4:39PM

    I know what you mean about the energy! I'm going through some chronic fatigue myself, and I also am having a GP flareup which started yesterday. I hope you are feeling better soon.

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ANDREWS_MOM 3/28/2011 3:03PM

    Your in my thoughts & prayers!
Wish I lived closer to help out.
hoping you have a good week & the dr's are able to start you on some treatments that provide some relief.

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HOLLIE90038 3/28/2011 12:28PM

    Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

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You've got every right to a beautiful life

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the worth of our potential, of ourselves. Every now and again, we come across something that reminds us of this. If you haven't heard this song yet, I hope you give it a listen; if you've heard it but dismissed it because of who sings it, please give it a chance.

Who Says emoticon

I wouldn't want to be anybody else

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It's like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

Who says
Who says you're not start potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test im cool
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

(Written by Emanuel Kiriakou & Priscilla Hamilton)
(Performed by Selena Gomez and The Scene)


Lately I've been feeling like the pack animal who was left behind because it was sick and was threatening the safety of the group. I was also recently reminded of this weird vibe that surrounds me... I can't explain it, but there is something about me that makes many guys think they have a right to physically hurt me or at very least just use me, and makes many women either hate me on sight or be so intimidated by me that they come to despise me and want me out of their territory. I dont understand it and I dont know why, and when I've tried to ask someone why they acted they way they did, or why someone was so intimidated by me, no one has had any form of an answer.

Even with all that, sometimes - just sometimes - I still want to try to be the person I wish I could be. With all the crappy medical stuff going on, it is a serious doubt that I could be who I wish I was, but that doesn't mean I deserve all this, or all the crap that has been thrown at me my entire life. Listening to this song, I'm hearing things I haven't heard from the people in my life that should be saying these things. So it is reminding me that just because some people believe I'm not an actual human being and don't deserve any rights - including the right to live - doesn't mean that I AM any less human than anyone else and that I DO have every right to a beautiful life. I just have to find ways to remind myself of that now and again. I hope all my sparkfriends take some time now and again to remind themselves of how much they are worth.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/28/2011 2:53PM

    You are beautiful & you do deserve a beautiful life!!!
Chin up- you are worth it!
And, despite the crappy medical stuff- our lives will go on & we CAN BE anything we want!!
Don't ever forget that you are extremely special - one of a kind - and don't ever let anyone- anyone at all- take your soul, your spirit away!!
emoticon

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MOM2ACAT 3/26/2011 5:55PM

    Well said! emoticon

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SHARIJERRY 3/25/2011 10:32PM

  I heard this song on the Ellen show - and loved it

You deserve an awesome life - hold your head up high -

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Glucose tolerance appt set up

Thursday, March 24, 2011

New general practioner doctor listened and seemed to follow my logic for what's going on. She said there wasn't any tests she could think of doing that my endocrinologist won't be doing.

Made the appointment for the glucose tolerance test on 4/2. I thought it was going to be this Sat, but oh well. I asked and it sounds like he's planning on running every test he can think of. I hope so - I want to know what the heck is going on!!!

My gastroparesis flared just a little today. Couldn't think of why, until I came home and for the 2nd night in a row had to chop away snow and ice from my driveway. Now I know why. ugh But figured out something interesting: when my GP is flaring, I don't have such major blood glucose crashes; when my GP is not affecting me, I have huge crashes. Makes sense I guess, but seriously, come on! I either can't eat or I crash every single time I eat! grr So I scheduled a massage for Monday night, to hopefully clear up the GP so I can have some really major crashes during the glucose testing. Considering it seems the crashes are getting worse, I'm wondering if I will actually pass out during the test. If it means they get the information they need, and can run all the tests that your glucose has to be under 50 to run, then so be it. But considering I was awake, alert, and driving when it was at 36, I'm wondering how low it would have to get for me to actually pass out.

Glad tomorrow is Friday - though my boss is going to be gone tomorrow and Monday... which means the woman who has taken it upon herself to waste part of her day policing everything I do will be bothering me all day. But if my boss isn't there, then she won't be keeping me late to talk when I'm trying to leave (Mon, Tues, and Weds I stayed late because she was talking to me, today I had to keep reminding her that I had to leave in a few minutes).

G'night!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/28/2011 3:01PM

    Hope your tests goes well & that they can find out what else is going on with you & hopefully get you on the path to health. :)

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Annoyed, but hoping tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

More issues at work... Sorry to all the women out there (especially here at women-dominated SP), but when you work with all women - who all PMS at the same time - it really tests your patience and anger level. Put a bunch of women into the same area and they will be catty, petty, and become tattle-tales. I did nothing wrong but I'm being policed every morning by one woman who has deemed herself the boss for the first 2 hours of the morning before our boss gets there. Glass and stones, woman, glass and stones.

Otherwise, I had a nice lunch today with a guy from work. He sorta seemed to hint that he would date me, but I'm not interested. Though, he could be a cool friend so that's what I'm aiming for.

Some parts of MN got a foot of snow today - about a hour south of that, I got about 3" - on top of 1/4" of ice. So not fun! All winter I've been asking myself why I chose to live here - I have no answer but I can't move for another 1 1/2 - 2 years (first time homebuyer credit).

So in the meantime, I'm off to bed. Let's hope tomorrow will be better!

  


Endocrinologist appointment today

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

After finding out about my hypoglycemia yesterday, I called an endocrinologist office today. I found one in the same building, same floor as my GI doctor, so I thought I'd give them a shot (since they're close to work and home). I got an appointment for 5pm. So just before I left work I ate a gala apple with some reduced fat peanut butter... and just what I was expecting, by the time I was checking in at my appointment an hour later, my blood sugar was crashing. I swear it is getting worse every time. I actually had trouble talking with the nurse it was so bad. Since the doctor was running behind, she said I could lay down on the exam table and if I fell asleep he would wake me up. I didn't fall asleep, but I did close my eyes and focus on my breathing to calm my rapid heartbeat and tremors.

They didn't take any blood or do any tests, but the doctor sat and talked to me for quite awhile. He honestly seemed to care and took interest in everything I said. When I told him what happened with my primary care doctor, he was appalled. He said they try to take a hollistic approach and help the whole person, not just run a few tests and then send you away. Anything I mentioned that could have given him any extra information he asked for more information about. He asked about my parents, my life, traumas in my past, everything. Though what stuck with me most is that he wanted to know my cat's name, how to spell it, and put it in his computer to remember it. That said so much to me. Plus he gave me homework: he said that when so many things go wrong in our lives, we forget that there are a few good things - he wants me to spend some time every night with my cat thinking about those few good things. I already try to do this, but I appreciate him reminding me.

So I have to call in tomorrow (everyone else was gone by the time we finished) and make an appointment for this Sat (I believe it was this Sat - they're open every other Sat) to get a 3 hour glucose reaction test done, then I will see him again at the end of the week. I hope so much that this will give him some much needed information.

Today I had about 7-8 hypoglycemic crashes. Now that I know that it wasn't just me being overtired or low on calories that made me feel like this, now I'm watching for the symptoms. But it is also now scaring me. I had breakfast at 6:20-6:50am, and by the time I got to work at 7:30am I was already crashing the first time. It seems incredibly dangerous to be driving and working through this, but I have no other viable choice. I wish I wasn't this difficult. I wish I had found a doctor willing to help sooner. I wish... but that doesn't make it happen.

Going to bed a little early tonight so I can try to get moving a little earlier in the morning because of the snowstorm going through MN tonight and tomorrow. The morning rush hour will suck horribly.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/23/2011 5:07PM

    Sounds like you found a really great doctor. :)
Hope you're able to get alot of answers and help to get you on the right path to healing & feeling better soon.
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MOM2ACAT 3/23/2011 4:35PM

    I'm glad you found someone caring that listens and sounds like he genuinely wants to help you.

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