Tuesday, March 01, 2011
If you're looking for motivation, if you're looking for positive, if you're looking for anything good at all, trust me - stop reading and close this window now.
I hate to have to say this, but the doctors have given up on me. I saw my primary doctor and she said everything that seems wrong with me is just stress. An inability to gain or maintain weight, an inability to eat more than a little food, having a hard time sleeping, losing feeling and control in my extremities, severe pains throughout my body, an irregular heartbeat, forgetting to breathe, blacking out several times a day... none of this worries her in any way. Though she barely listened, she just nodded her head until she looked like a bobble head doll, and had nothing to suggest, try, or test. I printed out a lot of different reports from SP to try to explain to her the trends that are happening and she didn't want to look them. She thinks there is nothing wrong with me at all. She did give me a number to call to try to get an appointment with a neurologist but warned me that a neurologist wouldn't be able to do anything for me.
Oh and even though I triple checked to make sure that the insurance through my new company would be in effect today - it wasn't. And no one in the benefits or payroll section was there when I tried to call at 4:15pm. Since my association manager will not answer her phone or respond to my emails, I can't get a claim number or insurance information for them to pay for it. So they wanted me to pay UPFRONT to see my doctor. I.AM.BROKE! I said that I was just going to leave then, but they - of course - wouldn't let me.
I really do not want to waste any more time or pile more stress on me by dealing with any more doctors. If they aren't going to help me, what is the point? The doctors are giving up on me, so I'm giving up with doctors. I will eat whatever my body will take, and will not eat when it refuses anything. If I blackout because of my irregular heartbeat, so be it. If I keep losing feeling in my extremities, fine. If I hit 100 lbs, whatever. I've already lost another half inch in height in less than 6 months, so losing height and weight at the same time will give me leeway in my BMI. I've lived through things that should have killed me more times than I ever want to try to count, so this won't kill me.
I have to decide if I'm going to stop using SP now that I have no reason to track anything. It seems pointless to spend my time tracking dozens of things when the doctors have no interest in even thinking something could possibly be wrong with my body.