Monday, January 03, 2011
One thing that annoys me is how easily misperceptions happen. Some people believe they know me and know what I'm about. Their perceptions are so misconstrued that even if I tell them the truth, they refuse to believe me.
For instance, some people want to believe that I'm this crazy health nut - they refuse to believe that if I don't follow a low fiber and low fat diet, it can kill me. They hear I've lost over 25lbs in the past year and refuse to believe that it happened without me wanting to and without trying... my digestive system shut down and I was unable to even swallow water some days. When I try to explain my diagnoses (gastroparesis, GERD, and eosinophilic esophagitis) they tend to tune out because they see it as unbelievable or too much to take in... try having to live through it. Having health problems starve you, desperately wanting to eat anything, everything, something, can destroy everything you believe in.
Then there are plenty of guys who can't see the real me. Some think I'm easy then get mad when they find themselves to be wrong. Some think I'm a prude then are pissed if they see me talking to another guy. Then there is the one who seemed to believe I was happy being completely independent since I've done it so long. Also too many figure if I can be completely independent, then they may as well live off me and make me support them.
So when did I lose the ability to show who I am? Or did I ever have the ability in the first place? Then again, do I even know who I am?
I am forced to be independent because no one has been willing to step into my life to be there when I really need it. No one has loved me the way I need to be loved. And I can't hibernate in my life waiting for someone else to move my life forward - so I must move myself forward. But I hate being forced to be independent. I want someone to lean on. I want someone to count on. I want someone else who will clean the massive amounts of snow off the sidewalk so I don't have to.
I am as healthy as I can be at this moment. GP is difficult to figure out, and sometimes it seems to act up for no reason. I am better than I have been in a long time, possibly ever. I am doing my best to figure this out and work with my body, not against it. I want someone who will support my GP diet and life, knowing this is what I must do to live. I want to be around others who choose to be healthy... or at least won't try to force bad choices on me.
I am doing what I can to make my life better, and to attempt to have the things I want most out of life: a loving family and a nice home. I can't force it to happen, but I can try for it and hope it will happen. I want to find a guy to share these hopes and wishes with.
So I have an idea of who I am and what I want, but using who I am to find what I want isn't working well. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what else to do.