Saturday, November 02, 2013
No, I did not misspell "glo". I'm trying out Fitness Glo, a website with tons of workouts for all levels from some of my favorite fitness experts. I am already hooked!
My favorite expert, Michelle Dozois, kept posting photos on FB from some of the people that come to follow the routines live, so I checked out the website. It's fantastic! I'll probably continue with it after my 15 day period is over since it is $12 a month. There's also training plans that you can make for your level and you can log your workouts. I'll be checking that out more.
Just wanted to throw that out there. hope everyone has a good day!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
My knee still hurts. I have a head cold. I am finally on my monster period after Aunt Flo gave me the cold shoulder for a year and a half. Thanks, lady.
Amongst other things (such as death in the family, life changes, other upheaval), I have been unable to exercise, which has been my main anti-depressant and the crux of the schedule that helps me keep from chaos and manic episodes. At least I gave my husband my credit card. No manic spending for me!!
I feel stressed and a little sad. Ok, a lot sad. I don't like feeling bad when I know that there are a ton of people out there with much worse going on in their lives. Unfortunately, exercise has been a huge part of my life lately and having to sit out my first half-marathon, well, it gets me down. And manic. And depressive. See a pattern?
I feel weak and my waist is growing, quite significantly. My flat tire (the ol' pregnancy stretched belly) is slowly inflating. =( I've got a sweet case of muffin top, and I do not mean that in good way. Pulling on my pants, seeing it all hang out and knowing that my main tool for weight loss is still out of my reach is quite crushing.
On the flip side, I am very determined to heal up and get back in shape. I have also learned several new healthy recipes and even created a few of my own. I really do believe that a fitness and food blog is in my future. =D Does anyone have any fitness ideas that I could employ while my knee heals? I would love to lose some of this weight, but most of all, I would love to at least STOP gaining weight. It kind of stinks. =S
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Oi. I am not sure if today was good or not. A friend and fellow designer left today for California and the opportunity to do package designs for a wine company, which has me feeling sad. She was a real sweetheart and great to work with. We had a food day in her honor, but being a gluten-free vegan, I was able to mostly avoid that trap.
We have a program going at work where you sign up and are given a pretty neat pedometer with the daily goal of getting 10,000 steps per day. Every week you get to enter your name in for a drawing if you met your weekly goal. I have been doing great getting my 10,000+ steps on top of my workouts and even has some friends to speed walk with on our breaks for a total of 2 or more miles on our breaks. That's actually been a lot more motivating than I expected.
Unfortunately, I ate too much for dinner and I feel too full. I had to work almost an extra 2 hours today, so I did not get to go for my Wednesday group jog. It is at this point where a binge and purge would start, but I am on here talking about it because for some reason, that really helps. I have been doing just fine for almost 2 weeks, and I am determined to be strong for the rest of time, though I will always be taking it one day at a time. I also have 2 doctor appointments tomorrow as a followup to last week's doctor visit. The stress of figuring out what is going on with me is kind of weighing me down. Thankfully, I have God to lend me strength and an awesome sister and friend who give me great support. Whatever happens, I will face it.
Looking forward to tomorrow's weight training... sort of. My booty shall be kicked! In good way, that is. =)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I just wanted to write a little update about my recovery. Since that blog, a weight has lifted and I have been able to continue avoiding my triggers and dealing with temptation, which has reared its ugly head more than once.
I have been continuing with my plans to run my first half-marathon in 4 weeks, and I am positive that I will be doing it with a fresh and clear vision and much better mental health. I have had to go to the doctor to address some ongoing health issues, but I am not going to let that stress me out. God has it in hand and so long as I lean on Him, I can face whatever the doctors figure out (after 7 vials of blood drawn and an ultrasound, I hope they figure it out). I hope to know something this Thursday, which admittedly feels very far away. I won't let dread weigh me down, though.
I made collages last night to put up around the house to remind me to be strong, what my ultimate goals are and to help me take a moment when bad urges rise up and squash them down. Writing things out is actually an amazing aid and so is exercising. Even if it is just busting out some jumping jacks, it gets me refocused and feeling stronger mentally.
I have to say thank to everyone that has offered support and comfort. It was a surprise and really touched my heart. I thank God for this unexpected support and especially for my sister, who keeps me inspired and has been there through it all. Thank you so much!!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I have to get something off of my chest: for the last year, I have struggled with bulimia.
It shocks me to think that I could ever experience anything like that, especially since I made it through my entire life without ever even feeling tempted to try and lose weight in an unhealthy way. I have suffered from poor eating and exercise habits and emotional eating, but never something like this. I lost about 75 pounds in a slow but healthy way, but about 2 months into maintenance, something broke.
I was under a tremendous amount of physical and mental stress and had started taking a hormonal medicine for my PCOS that was making me sicker and sicker everyday as well as craving things like mad. I would eat things that I normally wouldn't only to get so nauseous that I had to run to the bathroom and get sick. At some point, I felt like I was in some kind of control and would eat and eat until my stomach was hard as a rock and immediately have to go throw up. Every time I did this I felt worse and worse, but I would eat and eat in what felt like a panic, as if I absolutely HAD to eat. Then the shock of what I just did would set in and a new panic kind of panic would start. I HAD to get this out of me! On top of all of my emotional issues (thank you, bipolar), I just felt like everything was spiraling out of control.
I am so scared.
It seems as though I can go a couple of weeks without getting sick, I'll start to feel strong, then something sets me off in the evening once I am home. Is this something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life? Does this make me a horrible person? I really don't know. I want to be the healthy and vibrant person that I felt that I was.
I am focused. I want to get there again. I have my resolve, but I also have the love and support of my sister, who has given more help than she may ever know. I also have the Lord to be my rock, which I have been letting my illness sit as a barrier between us, letting guilt push Him away whenever I fail. I need to remember, though, that He loves no matter if I am failing or succeeding. He is always there if I only choose to let Him in.
Why am I writing this? Because we always have this face that we show everyone, the person that others think they know. I am not always happy. I am often lonely. I love my family, but we are often never there for each other. I am letting people see a part of me that I have kept hidden and tried to struggle with alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I need support and letting this out into the open is somehow freeing.
Most people will probably not understand. Some people may even be disgusted and push me aside. That's alright. I cannot let my world stop for anyone, though I do understand. This is something pretty heavy and hard to identify with.
I am scared, but I am trying. I am seeking hope and figuring out what my triggers are, how I can avoid them and deal with them. I feel freer just writing this out, though hitting "Post" is already starting to terrify me. Tomorrow I will likely struggle, but I intend to conquer the day. If you will, please say a prayer for me. I both need and appreciate it. I thank the Lord for my loved ones and every "second" chance that I have been given.
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