Saturday, July 07, 2012
When chemists die, they barium .
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .
How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
PMS jokes aren't funny, period .
Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .
Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .
I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .
How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?
When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .
What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me !
Broken pencils are pointless .
I tried to catch some fog . I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on .
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .
Velcro - what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .
Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault .
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure .
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
I GOTTA share this with you. My sister sent it to me. BRILLIANT, in more ways than one!!!!!
I have a friend who used her Solar Lights inside the house at night when the electric power went off during a hurricane. She stuck them in jars and bottles and said they gave off plenty of 'free light' in each room. She put them outside in the daytime and brought them back inside at night for several days while the power was off. They are safe to use and cheaper than batteries. She recommended we bring a Solar Light into our own house one night to test it for ourselves.
Due to a thunderstorm, we lost power for about 5 hours one night. We were scrambling around in the darkness, looking for matches, candles, and flashlights. Then we looked outside and noticed our Solar Lights shining brightly all around the patio, stairs & dock. My wife walked outside and brought several of the solar lights inside. We stuck the Solar Light pipes into plastic drink bottles and they made the nicest, brightest, safest, lighting you could imagine. We put one in the bathroom, one in the kitchen and in the living room.
There many types of Solar Lights available. We bought quite a few and put them all around our yard. They look nice and do not attract flying bugs like the outdoor lights around our doorway. The lights we have fit into 20-oz. water bottles and also fit into most larger 2 liter bottles. If you need a weight in the plastic bottle to keep them from tipping over, put in a few of the colorful flat marbles they put in aquariums and vases. You can also use sand, aquarium gravel, or whatever you have available.
The Solar Lights we have are perfect inside our home. They burn all night when needed and next day we take them back outside where they recharge and are ready for use again when needed. Solar Lights are the perfect light solution for power outages. I had never thought of it before seeing what my friend did, and now you know about this idea too.
Friday, July 06, 2012
DHS gives 81% of non-profit grants to Jewish groups
by Joel McDurmon on Jul 6, 2012
It is “no accident,” but rather a direct result of “Jewish organizational and political power.”
The Jewish Daily Forward reports,
Jews face special risks that require vigilance, though there is no “specific, credible threat” against Jewish targets, Janet Napolitano, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, told the Forward during a visit to the newspaper’s New York offices. . . .
A Forward report found that the program for DHS security grants for not-for-profit organizations was tailored to the Jewish community and that almost three-quarters of its funds went to Jewish institutions.
An ealier report from the same source confirmed that in 2011, that percentage had increased to 81%:
There’s good reason for the Jewish community to be proud. A Forward analysis of the 995 grants distributed through the national program from 2007 to 2010 found that 734, or 73.7%, went to Jewish organizations. DHS announced its grants for 2011 in late August, and here, too, Jewish groups were the big winners, with 81% of those awards.
The liberal Jewish paper explains,
This disproportionate distribution is no accident. Examining the grants program provides a window into Jewish organizational and political power. It is this power that allowed a small community to create and maintain a government program tailored specifically for its needs and catering almost exclusively to its members.
The coalition lobbying for the program was led by United Jewish Communities, now known as the Jewish Federations of North America, and by the Orthodox Union and several other Jewish groups.
Napolitano did, however, emphasize that DHS does not engage in racial profiling. Of course not, because that would be against the law!
“It’s against the law here to profile,” Napolitano added.
“Israel has perfected a system that works very well there,” Napolitano said. “They do a terrific job. But it’s not a system we can just transport 100% to the U.S. It won’t fit.”
However, it is an election year, and Obama would love to have the support of those Jewish groups and their lobbies:
“President Obama is very committed to that relationship, and we are looking for ways to express that commitment within the portfolio of tasks that the Department of Homeland Security performs.”
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
A few days ago I sent a funny joke email to a friend.
Today I received his response, telling me that I "should be ashamed for being so racist".
The joke had absolutely NOTHING to do with any thing racial whatsoever.
This gave me some thought.
Has anybody else out there noticed that we can't tell any jokes any more because they are not politically correct?
For example: Blonde jokes are not politically correct because "they abuse women".
Any jokes about St. Peter at the Golden Gates are not politically correct, either, because "they offend people of other religions".
Political jokes are really bad, because they are racist, too.
And don't forget that we can't tell jokes about Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy because we "are misleading the children".
Don't tell a joke about a teacher, either. That insults the Union.
Can't tell any jokes about married people, because then we "are being racist against gay people and their rights".
The list goes on and on. I am sure some of you can add a whole lot of other subjects that can no longer be laughed at.
What really galls me is that, while we cannot laugh at all about anything, it IS okay to make crude remarks and use foul language on television, and no one says a thing.
Bill Maher comes to mind. He is a crude, rude and insensitive bully. Especially pointed at women.
Does the society that is supposed to stand up for women make a peep about Maher? Not a singe peep comes from them.
Do you remember the old days when we could tell jokes and laugh, and share senses of humor? Do you remember the Reader's Digest motto ; "Laughter is the best medicine"?
Now we are silenced and gagged. Nothing can be taken as being funny, because we are all insulting some one, some thing, some place if we laugh at what was said.
Yes, Sir. We need to continue being a dull lot, take life too seriously, and above all, be on guard that we aren't insulting any one over any thought we might have.
We are losing our Personhoods. We are being trained and admonished into becoming robots.
We are a nation that has a government, not the other way around!
Let us stop all this nonsense and learn to laugh again. Let us be free to voice our own opinions. Let us get back our own choices as to how we shall live, and just how we shall act.
None of us wants to deliberately hurt anyone, and honest, clean humor is not a weapon as it is now being represented.
We have gone over the cliff, and need to climb back out of the gully.
Let us sing, dance and laugh, and do so freely.
Tomorrow is Independence Day. Let us become independent, and let us go back to telling jokes without fear of reprisal.
Let us reclaim the laughter.
Let us once again become a great nation, filled with hope, helpfulness, gratitude and hard work. Let's bring back the picnics in the parks and the parades with the bands and flags.
Let us become proud of America again.
Friday, June 29, 2012
A quilting friend passed away, and told her loved ones to "contact Sandy, and she will take care of all the quilting stuff".
I didn't know she did that.
She was a typical quilter, with LOTS of STASH!! Some people might even call us "Hoarders". But we are not. We simply love our STASHES.
And Kitty was a true quilter with STASH.
So, day after day, hour after hour, I have been at her house, organizing her STASH. My friends Irene and Wendy are helping me, because they, being quilters, UNDERSTAND STASH.
We have been putting in minimums of seven hours each day, many times much more.
So here's my query: How come, with all the measuring, labeling, sorting, boxing, stacking, loading, lifting, walking, did I gain a half pound????
It's not like we are eating our ways through the day. Not hardly. We have our coffee and a sandwich for lunch, and the three of us split a brownie. That's it.
So why did I gain a half pound????
I know some people are going to say "muscle weighs more than fat". I figure a pound is a pound.
I can feel the increased muscles, especially in my arms, and perhaps I should have measured my arms before I began this journey. I think they are smaller. I mean I think my bat wings are smaller.
If not, WHY NOT!!??
I will continue with her STASH again today. We aren't too far from a finish line, then my life will become my own again.
I pulled my quilt registration from the quilt show because I simply won't have enough time to finish it without rushing. I don't want to do that, because it is way too special to ruin it now. I must be sensible, and have patience to do it the right way, and not just rush around so I can get it into the show.
Hmmmmmmmm maybe I am getting some wisdom in my old age after all!
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